Unless your name is BloodShed-Chimera, This is not for you. No you cannot post and no I dont care about your opinions of me.
You don't have permission to post in this thread.
I hate you.
And your smile
And your soft skin
And your eyes
And your and your lips
And your cute laugh
And your muscular legs
And your large hands
And your gentle touch
The truth is...
[center ...I feel so alone...]
[right ...and I wonder]
I'm ashamed of who I am. I'm ashamed of my dreams, fantasies, aspirations. I am ashamed of my past. Of all I've done and all that has been done to me. I'm ashamed of my wants and needs. I'm ashamed of my denial and acceptance. I'm ashamed of my family and where I come from. I'm ashamed of my relationships and lack there of. I'm ashamed of my abilities and instabilities.
I'm in a constant state of shame for everything I am, everything I've built myself to be.
I am ashamed of the failure I've allowed myself to grow into.
Instead of budding like a beautiful, sweet smelling flower, the stench of corpse rot escapes my petals, wrinkling the noses of passers by.
Why can't my stem extend the reaches of garbage and blossom in the sunlight? Why can't cleansing water cascade through the treetops down to my perigone?
Sleep. I need sleep. Eternally.
If you're going to be nosy...
If you don't plan on giving me my space then expect to get locked out of everything.
I don't want to talk to you about it. I want to be left alone. If I wanted to talk about it then I would. Instead I'm trying to work through it the way I need to.
Please. For. The. Love. Of. All. STOP BEING INVASIVE!
You make me uncomfortable when you do this. I don't feel like I can have even the smallest space to breathe and when I finally find SOMETHING you ruin it.
Don't touch my stuff. I'm not a child. I want a bit of privacy.
I am constantly corrected about everything I do. Raising my kids. Raising your kids. My cleaning. My job. My education. My body. My lifestyle. My pets. My home. My family. My everything.
You correct me too... and that hurts more, I think. You tell me what to do and how to do it but don't help me achieve. You complain but don't give me a chance.
As I wrote and have said many times before. I need to do this alone.
You can let me do this and work on your own stuff. Your kids. Your job. Just, you. I'm so tired of being nagged or told exactly what to do. Leave me be or do it yourself.
Small want over. Have a nice day.
It's been so long since I've been here. My not-so-secret-secret place. My hideaway in the open. I'm glad to be back. Maybe I can learn to move past what happened thise years ago. Unload my baggage instead of holding it in... if that's what you can call this... all this time.
When I was a child I went through so much. I was physically abused by my father and sexually abused by one of his friends before I even knew what sex was. My father went in and out of prison majority of my life, missed birthdays and school event, whatever. It was for the best.
I made an amazing friend. I fell in love with him but didnt realize it at the time. He was years older than me but still the best friend I could ask for. We lost touch and haven't spoken in years. I am grateful to him, not that I'll ever have the chance to tell him.
Later I met my BFFLAA. She was and still is one of the best things to ever happen to me. She held me together when all was lost and I am eternally grateful. She's been with me for so long, even when we go years without talking. We have one conversation and it's like no time has passed. She's the best human-thing ever.
Throughout school I thought so much to be normal, just by what I saw at home or through various observations of thise around me. I had my skirt flipped, I'd been groped by boys and girls of all ages, and as a freshman in high school, thought it was totally okay to show my bra to other females and to grope one another in the public of our schools courtyard.
I met a woman I will forever be confused about. I fell in love with her. She was an amazing person with beautiful eyes. I still remember the little freckle in one of them... Clearly it ended badly for me or I wouldn't be writing about her. My heart was broken for years and I still think about her sometimes. Not romantically but more wondering if she is alright. If she's healthy and happy. Funny how that is, isn't it?
Anyway, we had a mutual Male friend. I became close with him and he hurt me. I recieved a concussion, a night I don't remember, bloodied panties, and some extreme migraines to this day. He told one story and I told none.
Everyone, including the woman I spoke of, thought I had given it freely. Thought I had betrayed her... thought I had gotten over her.
Then came the threats. I ran and he threatened to hurt my family. He showed up at their home, threatened to hurt my sister. Threatened to find and hurt me and my friend. I hid. Hid, in tears, at my Best Friend's house, terrified. She held me together. I again thank her but I don't think I ever told her what happened. Eventually he got the hint and left me alone. I think the legal threats made him open his eyes. Either way, I could finally breathe.
I Gave my actual consensual virginity to a friend and immediately regretted it. I wasn't over what had happened to me and sleeping with him put me in a state of unease and panic which made me push him and most of my friends away. I caused a lot of fighting and drama between my friend's family and their friend's families. I ended up running away from that too. Oh, and had a miscarriage that left me feeling shattered. It's funny how you never want to have a child but when you are finally at that stage where it's happening it seems like the most amazing thing... and then when it's suddenly taken it seems like the only thing you've ever wanted.
Needless to say, I was battling a lot.
A few years later I "met" him. We'll call him.... Adam. Adam... played a good game. He was a military man, said the right things, had the right moves, and my dumbass was his. He promised me the stars and the oceans and I believed him. He promised me picket fences and puppies and a family and I went along with it.
In the middle of all of this, my father took me for a car ride which turned into a drug deal, which turned into my father trying to sell sexual favors from me to his dealer. I was in the backseat of my mother's car with my puppy while some creep repeatedly touched my thighs, trying to get higher on my legs, while my father drove the car, knowing what was happening. I called Adam.
We knew eachother less than a year and we got married. I had thought his mother was dying and all he wanted was for his mother to make it to his wedding. I moved away from everyone I knew and loved for him.
I found out his mother wasn't dying, that he was sleeping with his 16-year-old cousin with whom he had pornographic photos of on his phone. He was in the military, incest is illegal, and so is child porn so I had to report it. I was told to delete everything and fix my marriage. I was told that I needed to make sure he was happy and he wouldn't need to do these things.
I was crushed.
I left home. I married a stranger. Why am I surprised that I was alone in a new place and the person that was supposed to love me had done these things and I was the only one having to live with it. No one else cared... except Wolf.
Wolf was Adam's friend who helped us out a lot. He had a horrible wife who abused him and his three children but played innocent around everyone so no one believe him. I had seen it first hand so I understood.
Anyway, I set up my new house waiting for Adam to come home from his deployment. I found out that Adam had been sleeping with a lot of people during his deployment. I continued to act like the loving wife setting up her husband's home for him but I had told him he and I would have no intimacy, physical or otherwise.
He arrived home early. Months early. I was not mentally ready for him. I was kind and set boundaries. I didn't want to fail at my marriage as I had with everything else in my life. We could share our home but nothing more and I was content. He was not. I said no, told him stop. He didn't. But to many, it isn't rape if you're married so I kept my mouth shut, cried, and went to sleep in the middle of the day.
I went to Wolf's house. I tried to tell him, tried to get help... but I was scared no one would believe me so I went back home with Adam. This time he was more aggressive. I screamed and cried but no one heard me.
It happened again in the morning. I woke up in pain. I made him breakfast with a fake smile on my face and cried into my cup of coffee. This was my life.
And another part of me broke. Shattered to never be repaired.
I ended up getting help. I went through a long court process only for it to end in nothing. No one believed me. Not many believe me to this day. I'm lucky Wolf did.
So Wolf and I ended up together. We suffered a miscarriage a few months later I was pregnant with our son. I visited my family and almost got in a car wreck due to my father's drunken anger issues. I returned to Wolf, had our son, and got a job at my favorite place for some extra money on weekends until I was pregnant with our daughter. So now I have five kids to care for, to homeschool, to protect. Just me and Wolf.
Once upon a time I wanted to be a daycare instructor or a kindergarten teacher... now I sympathize with anyone who works in child education.
Oh, I made another friend. We were pregnant with our first children at the same time and bonded over new mom similarities, the constant hatred of other humans, and videogames. Our son's became best friends shortly after birth... and then she had to move away for her husband's job... so that blows.
I'm writing this Because I'm an adult now and I understand what happened to me... what has happened to me my entire life.
I know none of it was okay. I know I am to blame for a majority of it. I know I have caused a lot of issues for many people... but the point of all this is for me to accept what happened and move on.
I thought I already had. I thought I had gotten over it all long ago... but it appears I'm not.
Last night I relived what Adam did to me and cried, hyperventilate, and almost threw up over it. I know I'm to blame. I put myself in that situation... so why am I not over it? I know it happened and I cannot change it so why dwell? Why am I dwelling on something so insignificant?
Why am I writing apologies to people in my past?
Why have I written a confession of my past feelings and an apology to my first love?
Why am I searching social media for the woman who left me so I can apologize and make sure she's safe?
Why am I having breakdowns in the aisles of Walmart because someone wore the same cologne as Adam?
Why can't i bring myself to do my GAL training when I know it'll make life better for everyone?
I'm searching for answers but I know I won't find them anywhere but within myself.
I know there will be no hand to hold on this path.
I'm alone in a house of seven.
I am alone in a city of thousands.
I am alone in a world of billions.
This is my journey to acceptance.
And I'm sorry.
I am pissed. So fucking pissed. You know how I feel put yourself in a questionable situation and leave me here alone thinking of the possibilities. Fuck her okay? Just do it again, I know you want to. I don't care anyway. Whatever.
I need five minutes to breathe. I hope this vacation will help me. I'm glad I'm not currently working.. I'd blow up on a customer and get fired... I need to find my chill but it sucks when I have none. No opportunity for one either. Nothing to be had but tears and anger.
I'm glad I cleaned up this shit house just for you to ruin again. I'm glad I did that dishes so that you could let them pile up the next day with the expectation that I'd do it again. I'm glad I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor just for you to throw shit on it. I appreciate how considerate you were when you told me what you did but it doesn't help when most of it is a lie.
I'm tired of people who lie. Own up to what you did and chill the fuck out. AND STOP GOING THROUGH MY STUFF.
I think I'm sick, like, really sick. My body is hurting pretty bad but I can get over it. I have to do my job, I have to find a second job, I have to help out around the house, I have to.... I have to...
And my email was hacked again, sweet. Cool. whatever you're getting from that, I hope you enjoy it.
I don't like yelling. I don't like arguing. I don't like crying. Please don't tell around me, please don't argue around me, I'll cry. I'll cry... Please don't tell around me. I hate hearing arguing.... Please don't, I'll cry...
I know it's about me, I know it's my fault. I'm sorry.
I'm going to throw up... I think I'm going to vomit... Please stop... Please... Please. .
Why is all of this happening? Why can't all this hell calm itself? All I want to do is have a calm life. I just want to breath and live happily, at least somewhat.. Is that not allowed? I pursue happiness and this happens... I'm such a bother to everyone. I just want this whole situation resolved, I'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of people taking what I say for granted because 'I don't know what I'm talking about' or whatever. Excuse me but I read up on things when they have something to do with me and hun, the UCMJ has to do with me now so guess who's reading it. I know telling everyone what you do for work can get you in a lot of trouble. Seriously, you put a lot of people in danger for putting what you do out there.
On another note, guess who Owns Halo 5 and has Fallout 4 preordered as well as Black Ops 3? Me! I'm excited.
I'm so tired of sitting alone, crying my eyes out... I'm so tired of not getting to rely on the ONLY friend I have here. I'm so tired of people not believing me... Are my tears not enough? I'm so scared... I want to disappear...
I'm not who I once was.
I flinch when people try to touch me... I break easily... I'm afraid to go to certain places.... When I smell his cologne I panic... Why can't I stop this? I'm fine one minute and the next I'm trying to remember how to breath..
I'm so scared... I'm so scared...
Make it stop...
I know he feels like he didn't do anything wrong... I know he doesn't care, he never did... I know he regrets marrying me... I know it was a mistake to him... I know I was a mistake... And that's okay... I know now.
I'm not worth it, worth anyone's love, worth anyone's time. That's fine, I know now. I gave myself to him, changed myself for him, allowed myself to be what he wanted me to be. That's fine, I know now.
I cried for him, I nearly died for him, I gave up everything... just for him...
That's fine, I know now.
I'm not supposed to say anything about what happened... It sucks... I can't vent to anyone how I feel... I'm terrified to go out the the store because I don't want to see him... Why do I have to sit in fear and he gets to play the victim? I was the one hurt... I want to leave... I don't want people to look at me the way it seems they are... They don't know everything...
Why can't I just leave? Go home? I don't want any of this anymore.... I never wanted any of this. Its great when unicorns and rainbows turn to Shit... I hate this.... I actually think I hate him more than anything... I went to an event last night and I literally stood there shivering because I was terrified.... What would he do if he saw me? My friend told me to just stand there, confidently, and smile.... But it's hard when your heart is jumping through your chest...
Hey you! Guess what!?! Your a huge dick. You blame me for everything? Act like it's MY fault you fucked around on me?!? You just wanted to find something to jack off to. you're sick. I sort of wish I'd have seen all the messages between the two of you before I told you but fuck, at least I was honest. I couldn't stand not telling you but you looked me dead in the eyes and acted innocent this whole time. You begged me to stay, you held on to me. You cried. You made yourself look pathetic.... And for what? Just for me to find out it was all fake? I'm the one who "makes you happy" without me you "have nothing"? No, no. Without me you have Shelby, Cheyenne, Lindy, Heather. Seriously, think about that. I was sitting here feeling guilty, feeling sick because what I did. Because I felt like property, like I didn't have a RIGHT to push you away And you still did things after I told you I didn't want to do them... but all along you were fucking around on me. That's great. And it's true. You see me as something you can use when you want but when I'm no longer of any convenience you find someone else.
Keep telling everyone how I played sweet and innocent and broke your heart because in the long run, this is just a lesson. This isn't the first or second or even third time I've seen this from you... I should have ended us before we started.
I made a fool of myself and probably ruined everything but whatever, I can't always be awesome But I'm really glad I'm catching up with friends <3
Planning a wedding literally ALL BY YOURSELF is difficult when your dude person won't give input other then the fact he wants to wear his uniform and the location for the wedding... Dude, it takes more then that to plan a wedding...
Having him on deployment sucks... I miss that stupid dork. He owes me Halo time and cuddles when he gets home.
Anyway, being somewhere else entirely isn't too bad until you get the "I miss literally EVERYONE" feelings... I miss my family and they went to a concert together Anyway...
Comics, Gaming, War Hammer 40K, and Cosplay... Life is okay right now :)
Trying to have a conversation with someone who just yells at you the whole time is ridiculous and pointless so pardon me if I say "no, just stop, I don't want to talk about it" because my opinion isn't taken into consideration, especially when it's two against one and I don't get to speak. Regardless, I don't want to hold a conversation on equal rights if one of the people I'm talking to says, and I quote, "Lesbians don't have sex." and "Gays are disgusting" Seriously, if you're going to call me a man hating bitch when I am engaged to a man, where is your point? Just because I say "You don't turn gay." Doesn't mean I hate men.
Look, if you have an opinion and wish to share it then fine, but not if you're just going to shout it at people when they try to voice theirs, okay?
Also, don't tell me that I'm pissing you off if you're the one who keeps yelling at me and I say that I don't want to talk. Don't tell me that if I don't want to talk about it, I can just leave. And DO NOT put words in my mouth, seriously.
You're one of those people who hate gays and don't allow homosexuals to have equal rights, unless they're lesbian. Because lesbians are hot and entitled to more in life then gay men do. totally, your point is so valid.
Dude, just stop.
I hate feeling like an inconsiderate brat. He's going through a lot, give him a break... [#990000 He doesn't understand our view and won't unless we tell him] [#16166B Yeah but why can't he just notice that it hurts?] That would be too easy. [#990000 Too easy for everything, you know nothing comes simply.] [#16166B we're being irrational?] But he doesn't know. He doesn't know that it's hurting us.
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