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[b [center I want to know if you'll *mumbles*.]]
[center [size11 I want to know if I can get closure - if I can finally put you behind me. Like, in a forever sense. I know we cannot be friends nor lovers - not in this lifetime. Yet I want to know, to see, to touch, to feel - to know the one question that's been on my mind since the very beginning: Are you real?
Were [b we] real?]]
Nothing from you, dearie. Hue.
Well, unless you count your wellbeing, happiness and peace. Or at the very least, good food. Happy new year, puppy.
[size8 Besides, there is hardly anything concrete that I can ask of you that you would be willing to consider. I tried, remember?]
As I'm getting flabbier, I sing Kelly Clarkson's [i I'm a Whole Lotta Woman]. Gotta feel badass while I gain them tyres round my belly .
I blame this ever cloudy and rainy British weather. Yes, it's true. It's always raining. Except for a brief dream in summer where we complain about the heat and humidity, cuz its never hot enough in Britain to even consider installing ceiling fans.
My mother-in-law said she likes girls with a bit of meat (compliment?). Well honey, when you got genes like mine - you need constant heat to keep a girl like me looking flawlessly thin. Ahem ahem. Forever will I be green with envy at Western women's legs - tall, thin, glossy, flawless . Ah, just listen to me get superficial and giving a shit about appearances.
I mean, you could be anything and everything. Catfish. Fear of commitment. [i Strong] fear of commitment. Trauma from past relationships. Self-hate, depression. Lack of self-worth. It's not that you lack self-esteem, but you just don't see yourself worthy of love - and I've had a hard time being in a relationship with a guy like that. Sucked the soul out of me - and after a while I got tired too. I mean, I will often and probably always think of you. Whatever the image of 'you' I imagine you to be.
I want a life lived, life worth living, life in pursuit of happiness.
Not once in all the times we've spoken, have you expressed such a desire.
Or perhaps I've forgotten. But how can I forget.
Speaking of memory - I have a thing where I forget things..I'm bad at remembering shit. People show me photos and I don't remember being 'there'. People tell me things that happen and I don't remember experiencing them. People tell me things I've said or things they've said to me, and I don't fucking remember any of it. I don't know what it is. I'm afraid. Is it my brain shrinking due to stress, depression and all this cocktail of fucked-up feelings inside me?
There isn't a particular part of my life specifically that I'm forgetting. It's spread sporadically across my history - from childhood to teens to adulthood. Maybe it has something to do with the lack of Vitamin D - less sun, less exercise, less brain flexing its muscles?
"Will you still love me when I forget everything?" I said to him.
Will there come a time when I cannot differentiate between what's real and what's not? At least I haven't started 'remembering' things that aren't real. I just forget things. Like how much you hurt me. But not how I've let go. And not how I still wish for your happiness. Even if you catfished me. Heh.
[i [size10 You're not the only one who's tired, love.]]
Or maybe it's just that I was always meant to end up alone.
[i I've been hoping]
[i Someone will love you]
[i Let me go.]
Last night he asked me if I really loved him. He said he would let me go if I didn't, that he loved me too much to deny me happiness.
But I'm happy with him, truly. It's just that our love is not one that burns intensely.
I refuse to acknowledge...that.
I am afraid of being alone. That I will acknowledge.
I just want a life stable, a life on the right track, a life settled.
How long have I waited to become an adult?
[i What do you wish for, really, my dear?]
[size9 Wish I could dance like Lorde.]
I heard that my ex got engaged. I wish him nothing but happiness.
Obviously she's not as fly as me tho. *flips hair*
Have to say I feel absolutely nothing for him now - which is odd considering the significance of our relationship - and I have no interest in going to look see.
Unlike you. Always.
[i [size10 Gawd I'm like an unwanted stalker.]]
[i [size10 Fuck it. Not like I can help it.]]
[i [size10 At least I don't do it that often right..]]
Someday in the future, when this site finally closes down
Will be the day the story of you and me turns its last page
The day the leaves fall and all becomes quiet.
Are you alive, are you okay - or at least, carrying on?
I hope so.
I know now that looking won't give me answers.
I don't have enough words.
You'll always have a part of me.
Bit like a phantom limb. I reach for this every now and then.
ES, you've seen and heard so much.
Avoidant and Anxious personalities. Mix these two together and you have a recipe for disaster. That's what we were, really.
I'm still anxious but I've become more secure over the years. I've fallen in love over and over again. There was too much dark in my reality growing up - I had my head in the clouds at times looking for an escape. Then reality would bring me down, and I wanted to die. I wanted to be free. I wanted to live. I have bad days and good days. I wonder if it's my short temper, all this balled up anger - that's saved me. That's pushed me to move.
I am not content. No one knows for sure how long we've got, whether we'll come back again. Most likely we've all just got one shot at life - one lifespan to experience the entire world. And I don't want to waste it. So I'm moving forward, inhaling it all when I can. Sometimes I still get depressed, huddle in my bed, cry and cry and want to die, feeling like I've lost all hope. These moods come and go. Today I want to run, a ball of restless energy sits in my belly. I want to spread my wings and I want to move, I want to dance and awe people. Our bodies are so amazing.
But I wonder if you're still running away. If you're still uprooting yourself whenever someone gets too close, if you're still pulling yourself away and shutting down communication. I wonder if you still exist, and I wonder if you'll ever let yourself love.
You ever feel like you don't know how to grieve for people who aren't family? People you aren't close to but whom you've interacted with, laughed with, who helped you and you helped them, who have been your friends or just slightly more than acquaintances, people you've wished happy birthday, people you've been happy for.
When I was 15, a boy in school had a crush on me. He hung around me a lot and I got annoyed, I wanted to stay friends. He died in a road accident that year. I didn't go to the funeral because I didn't know whether I'd be allowed - plus I didn't know his family and I wasn't of his religion. His closer friends went. I've always felt guilty somehow, because I rejected his advances. I wasn't very nice when I got annoyed. I wish I had treated him with more kindness. I'm still very awkward with the being nice thing.
Wei Teen, who I met while working at Starbucks. We hit it off immediately - she was bubbly, vibrant, very lovely person. She gave me a picture on my birthday - of me in my Starbucks uniform, smiling at the camera like a child. I was in the UK when I heard of her death. We hadn't spoken in a while - both pursuing our degrees, in different countries. She had just graduated, and also just celebrated her 23rd birthday a few days before her death. At the time, I was in shock, I just couldn't believe it. How could someone as bright as her die? I didn't know how to grieve, how to reach out to her family so that I could pay my respects when I went home to visit. Sometimes I think I'm over it, and then days like these come along and I find myself crying in the office. And I feel silly for feeling so much emotion.
This year - my kind neighbours from back home died in a fire. I was in the country when it happened, mum and I heard the news from my sister. I had only just seen Uncle a few days earlier - but didn't stop to say hi. They were very nice people. Survived by a daughter who is still in college. Again, I was in shock - but I didn't cry. Today I am crying a little, because somehow it's decided to hit me in the gut at this moment. I don't know how to deal with it - I don't know if I am supposed to feel so strongly, but I do and I can't do anything about it.
So I write it all down in remembrance and some sort of grieving process. I don't want to talk to people about this because I fear they will find it awkward and not know what to say. I also don't want to worry or sadden others.
Think of you.
But not in that way.
Or only in that way.
An imprint you can't erase.
I think of how we met - that offhand moment - and I laugh.
Did you imagine..?
I want to remember you in happiness.
I won't forget the pain, but I have somehow - along the way - learnt to forgive. Learnt to let go.
And I refrain from reaching out - because I know that's what you want.
I am happy now - imagine. Five years ago, and I wanted to die. Well, even more recently I'd still have thoughts of dying - I felt so trapped, so unhappy and I had to take drastic measures to get out...heh. I am still kind of in shock - like wow, I've actually found happiness. I've ticked a lot of things on the 'I Wish' list. It's a bit like climbing halfway up a mountain and taking in the view before you - just having a moment to enjoy your progress so far.
I reflect a lot on the past still though - I can't help it, it's how I am. I still think of you, and I still wish for your happiness every time I do.
I can't help but feel a little conceited whenever this happens though - thoughts of [i Does it matter what you think? What, you think your wishes matter to him? You think he cares?] crop up. Honestly it doesn't matter, I just want you to be happy.
[b [size11 Things a father said to his daughter:]]
[size11 "You know, sometimes I really hate you." - age 15]
[size11 "Yes, she's my favourite daughter, not you. You're the demon child." - age 17, [i followed by unwarranted beatings]]
[size11 "I don't expect [i you] or your siblings to take care of me when I'm old. I expect it from my first wife's children, but not you three." - age 20]
[size11 "I love all of you equally." - age 5, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 19. [i Also known as the biggest lie I've ever heard.]]
[size11 "As long as you study, I will support you." - since age 12]
[size11 "Do your best. Study hard. Work hard." - since age 8]
[size11 "You're not allowed to have a boyfriend until age 25." - age 16]
[size11 "Your job is to study. Nothing else. No distractions. Just study, get good grades, get a good job. You can enjoy life after that." - since age 13]
[size11 "Are you hard up for that boy? Are you that desperate? A boyfriend?! How dare you." - age 12, [i following a landline phone call from a boy from school. I had no idea what 'hard up' meant, I had no idea what I was being scolded for. I didn't know where babies came from - I had a sheltered childhood. I didn't even have feelings for the boy. Beatings followed.]
[size11 "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE A GOD. TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES. STOP BEGGING ME. TAKE. THEM. OFF." - age 13. [i The last time he tried to beat me naked.]]
[size11 "I'm running out of money. I can only support you until September. Please find a job by then." - age 23]
[size11 "Take care of yourself, okay. Don't be shy to ask me for help or money. You know daddy loves you." - age 24]
[center [size12 [i It's complicated, isn't it?]]]
[size10 [b One thing you probably don't know about me:] I like fluffy things. I have a growing collection of stuffed plushies. I got a very fluffy rug for my room this year. I have 2 very, very fluffy hoodies. Like, hoodies with white fluffy fleecy insides. I have been held back - by that I mean physically dragged away by my very strong husband [i *tears of unfulfilled hopes and dreams*] - from buying giant fluffy things that were deemed unnecessary. I like curling up in bed under the covers with said hoodies - making a nest, with books, snacks and something to drink nearby. I think that 'fluffy' is a feeling - or that it should be. 'I feel fluffy' is something I say often - but silently - in my head or when I'm on my own. Yea, I'm weird. I'm fucking fluffy.]
[size10 I suppose I have taken one step forward. I mean, you can see it in these posts. The famous Kübler-Ross model of 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I've come to the acceptance part, slowly in the past couple years. Today it feels like we've come to the end of the last stage. It's funny, because there's not much empirical evidence given for this model, but it's a very popular theory that's somehow become just about accepted in the world as fact. My experiences of grief are mostly similar - sometimes I skip the bargaining part and just head straight to depression. Well, when it comes to something irreversible - like death. I wonder if you could include nostalgia and slight relapses of depression after acceptance.]
[size10 In other stuff - what a beautiful spring it is. Feels like I'm finally coming out of hibernation. Cherry blossom trees bursting into bloom - without leaves - are my favourite. They're the only pink things I like in this world.]
[size10 He is the sweetest man. I wouldn't have thought that I could be happy.]
[size10 He surprises me almost every day. I'm grateful for his existence in my life. There is a huge difference between someone saying 'as long as you are happy' and 'I want to make you happy'. To have someone share my troubles in life. It's so sappy, I know. I realise that I'm very bad at expressing myself - well, not expressing myself, but at expressing affection. My family didn't grow up with that habit. I'm scared sometimes - scared that I won't ever know how to give him the same kind of little happiness that he gives me. Scared that one day he'll tell me that I'm too selfish and that I only care about myself, and that I'm not making him happy. I am trying not to ruin it by worrying too much - but at the same time I want to be proactive and start doing things to make him happy.]
[size10 He has said though, that I make him happy. I honestly don't know how. By being cute? By being me? Whatever those things are, I hope I continue doing them. I definitely want to do more for him though. Not like in a practical sense, but like in a spiritually fulfilling sense. Those are feelings and moments you cannot buy.]
[size10 My biggest obstacle - the Gutter of Procrastination. It feels like a wall stretching to the sky, an unsurpassable omnipotent presence in my way. Beyond sublime - striking fear in me every time I face significant changes or steps. Steps I need to take to better myself. Leaps, not steps. I am very afraid of leaps. Currently facing one, which my peers have told me is just one small step forward. [i We're not even at the hardest part, you know.] I know...I know and yet it all seems overwhelming.]
[center [size10 I want to be fearless.]]
[center [size8 I'll do it tomorrow.]]
[center [size10 Feeling melancholy and nostalgic today. I'd blame it on PMS but I'm on the pill, so can't use that excuse. Also I've never had PMS, even while I was on my natural cycle. I don't do 'crazy just before her period'. I'm crazy all the time. I have to remind myself that the worst deaths have yet to come to pass. Is that what life is about? Learning about love, the existence of amazing things and experiences - and then finding out that it all has to come to an end some day? To know that the people I've coming to love and cherish over time, might be gone someday - ahead of me? To know that beloved items can go missing or get stolen, to know that I won't be able to do everything I want to do before I go - to not know [i when] I'm going to go...to have my brain fucked up and worrying about just about everything under the sun.]]
[center [size10 You can tell I'm on a youtube rampage with the Sara Bareilles songs.]]
[center [size10 The sun's out now. I'm going to go get lunch and enjoy the beautiful view of cherry blossoms blooming in spring. I'm sure if ghosts existed - they'd be telling me to live to the max, to experience everything that I am able to. What else can I do?]]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.