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I wonder why we can never be friends. But I suppose the answer is simple - it takes two to tango, for an relationship. Be it professional or personal.
I find myself having less and less energy for people who don't make the effort. You have shit in your life? I have shit in my life too. But I pull myself together and make the effort to reach out. I've set limits to the amount of times I'll put myself out there, the amount of times I'll wait for a response - some reply to my messages. I conserve my energy for my own life now - one that is brimming with love and heading in the right direction.
I am fully committed to getting 'there', to making 'it', to being successful. Life's short and you must experience all decadence and luxury before you die.
Tempted to change my username today.
People change names for one reason: to start over with a clean slate.
Sometimes that's how I feel in life. I can admit it here.
I'm always in two minds - like I have two spirits living inside of me, wanting entirely different things.
Security. [i Freedom.]
Love. [i Independence.]
Stable life. [i Adventure].
Material things. Job. Friends. [i Escape. Dreams. Peace.]
[size9 I cannot leave the life I have willingly shackled myself to. I've thrown the key away after all. [i You [b did] pick the castle and happily ever after, my dear.]]
[size9 Chin up. Life isn't too bad.]
[size8 Can I just say though, I'm in denial.]
Got in touch with my school friend whom I had left on bad terms. We made up. Truly happy I got the chance to mend the bridge.
Life goes on. I feel happy - got good friends, great husband, loving cat, budding career path. I am very lucky and blessed to have made it here.
I never thought I'd say that I love my life.
How did I come to this mindset? It's a mix of 'death can happen anytime, to anyone, at any age', and 'what have you got to lose?', and 'what if this is the only life you have, what if there is no after, shouldn't you be living your best life?'.
All of these things motivate me. I don't want a life filled with regrets, anger, pointless drama and arguments. I can't say that we can exclude sadness, because sadness comes with happiness/joy - nothing is permanent, our attachment to things/people brings sadness when we lose them. I'm working on that attachment thing.
Reading old blog posts.
Looking at old pictures.
Bringing 2010 to the present with me.
Knowing I made several mistakes. Understanding that falling in love wasn't one of them. Hoping that she is okay, somewhere out there, that she has gotten stronger and lives a better life - despite me.
Here's to living another year. Carpe diem.
I don't fear death, but I am always - have always been - aware of its presence in the air around me. That is why I wish to live before I die. We never know what the future holds. We can't sit back and let misdirected content wrap us in its sleepy comfort.
[center Live. Now.]
My imagination running rampant - my hands itch to write again. To carve stories out of my mind. But I don’t know if I have the time. I know that I am well out of practice.
Is it odd that your song gave me hope?
That it gave me the courage to carry on living, that in my deeply lonely moment in that time - it made me feel that there could be someone out there, someday, who would care about me?
Who would like me, and accept me as I am, and possibly love me?
I wonder if you know of this life you've saved.
Thank you, Kelly.
My one passion is travel.
To know the world is so huge - to be one dot amongst billions, trillions. There is a comfort in this cradling.
It is because nature doesn't care, it doesn't feel, doesn't complicate-
It just is.
It exists in all its wonders with no apologies - fierce, sublime, breath-taking in all its glory.
It would not speak to me in a language that I would understand, it would not judge me, it would not spite me, it would not single me out to hurt me. It doesn't care if I'm ugly, awkward, unsuccessful, depressed - it doesn't give two shits and that's what I love about being surrounded by it.
A warm summer afternoon - spent inside.
Thinking - no, reminiscing.
Send in the clowns.
An endless, immobile, still warmth coming from my windows. My cat, silently wandering, inquisitive mind - no worries come to her.
How can one feel heavy and weighted down in this beautiful summer afternoon?
And yet I do.
Feel like I'm slowly turning to stone, concrete statue - soon, I will lose all feeling.
One pod through space, endless space. Silent space.
No more searching, just drifting.
Just like a bittersweet romance manga - not real, yet I felt every squeeze of my heart.
It's time to let it go. I don't even think about you anymore.
[b [center I want to know if you'll *mumbles*.]]
[center [size11 I want to know if I can get closure - if I can finally put you behind me. Like, in a forever sense. I know we cannot be friends nor lovers - not in this lifetime. Yet I want to know, to see, to touch, to feel - to know the one question that's been on my mind since the very beginning: Are you real?
Were [b we] real?]]
As I'm getting flabbier, I sing Kelly Clarkson's [i I'm a Whole Lotta Woman]. Gotta feel badass while I gain them tyres round my belly .
I blame this ever cloudy and rainy British weather. Yes, it's true. It's always raining. Except for a brief dream in summer where we complain about the heat and humidity, cuz its never hot enough in Britain to even consider installing ceiling fans.
My mother-in-law said she likes girls with a bit of meat (compliment?). Well honey, when you got genes like mine - you need constant heat to keep a girl like me looking flawlessly thin. Ahem ahem. Forever will I be green with envy at Western women's legs - tall, thin, glossy, flawless . Ah, just listen to me get superficial and giving a shit about appearances.
I mean, you could be anything and everything. Catfish. Fear of commitment. [i Strong] fear of commitment. Trauma from past relationships. Self-hate, depression. Lack of self-worth. It's not that you lack self-esteem, but you just don't see yourself worthy of love - and I've had a hard time being in a relationship with a guy like that. Sucked the soul out of me - and after a while I got tired too. I mean, I will often and probably always think of you. Whatever the image of 'you' I imagine you to be.
I want a life lived, life worth living, life in pursuit of happiness.
Not once in all the times we've spoken, have you expressed such a desire.
Or perhaps I've forgotten. But how can I forget.
Speaking of memory - I have a thing where I forget things..I'm bad at remembering shit. People show me photos and I don't remember being 'there'. People tell me things that happen and I don't remember experiencing them. People tell me things I've said or things they've said to me, and I don't fucking remember any of it. I don't know what it is. I'm afraid. Is it my brain shrinking due to stress, depression and all this cocktail of fucked-up feelings inside me?
There isn't a particular part of my life specifically that I'm forgetting. It's spread sporadically across my history - from childhood to teens to adulthood. Maybe it has something to do with the lack of Vitamin D - less sun, less exercise, less brain flexing its muscles?
"Will you still love me when I forget everything?" I said to him.
Will there come a time when I cannot differentiate between what's real and what's not? At least I haven't started 'remembering' things that aren't real. I just forget things. Like how much you hurt me. But not how I've let go. And not how I still wish for your happiness. Even if you catfished me. Heh.
[i [size10 You're not the only one who's tired, love.]]
Or maybe it's just that I was always meant to end up alone.
[i I've been hoping]
[i Someone will love you]
[i Let me go.]
Last night he asked me if I really loved him. He said he would let me go if I didn't, that he loved me too much to deny me happiness.
But I'm happy with him, truly. It's just that our love is not one that burns intensely.
I refuse to acknowledge...that.
I am afraid of being alone. That I will acknowledge.
I just want a life stable, a life on the right track, a life settled.
How long have I waited to become an adult?
[i What do you wish for, really, my dear?]
[size9 Wish I could dance like Lorde.]
I heard that my ex got engaged. I wish him nothing but happiness.
Obviously she's not as fly as me tho. *flips hair*
Have to say I feel absolutely nothing for him now - which is odd considering the significance of our relationship - and I have no interest in going to look see.
Unlike you. Always.
[i [size10 Gawd I'm like an unwanted stalker.]]
[i [size10 Fuck it. Not like I can help it.]]
[i [size10 At least I don't do it that often right..]]
Someday in the future, when this site finally closes down
Will be the day the story of you and me turns its last page
The day the leaves fall and all becomes quiet.
Are you alive, are you okay - or at least, carrying on?
I hope so.
I know now that looking won't give me answers.
I don't have enough words.
You'll always have a part of me.
Bit like a phantom limb. I reach for this every now and then.
ES, you've seen and heard so much.
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