[#ffffff "AW GAMBIT, FUCKERMOTHER CAN'T DO 50 WORDS MY ASS. SON OF BITCH, LOVE OYU JMMY BUT WE GONNA SQUARE UP.]
[https://youtu.be/vuCyrtGQhAk Brand name] I got all this money now but what do I even need it for? To buy random shit? To buy meaningless objects that I will try to use to fill the void inside of me? I dunno...defiantly feels like that's what I'm trying todo, make myself happy, but that doesn't work.
This kitten has officially started ruling our lives, she’s currently sleeping in our bed and has successfully managed to nearly push my boyfriend off the edge, pretty sure if I so much as tap him he’ll fall off lol
She’s also the fattest kitten I’ve ever had and a little thief cause she always steals food, but I love her cause she’s also the best kitten I’ve ever had. She has more personality than I know how to deal with but I wouldn’t change anything about her, she went from a feral kitten to a spoiled rotten one..kinda like how Annie was :)
Also I didn’t realize how much I missed my Xbox friends, I should really get on more often because our conversations lately are just great lmao
I can't understand why after all this time, my heart still races when I message you or even when I invite you do to something, I learnt now that spending the rest of my life with you isn't going to happen, but if being friends with you is an option then I will take it, but there is no need for my heart to race everytime it happens.Don't get me wrong its a good feeling, but at the same time it's a feeling I don't miss, because things go down hill when that happens.
Myabe inviting you to the beach was my way of showing you that I've changed or something I don't know, but I would really like to know why I'm still trying.
[center [pic http://img003.picture2life.net/27235070/Aesthetic_original_medium.gif]][hr ][google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Permanent+Marker:400] [div today... i was told that i am not masculine enough to use male pronouns, and that it didn't seem like i was even trying to be masculine. and it hurt. so. fucking. bad.
in life.. you get this self-image in your head that you want to live up to. when it gets shattered- you don't know who you are for a minute, and it hurts like hell. honestly, i don't know how to feel right now. i keep jumping between wanting to take a scorching hot shower, feeling numb, and sobbing uncontrollably.
you keep saying that you want me to meet "real" transgender people, as though, your forty-something year old friend knows more than my friends. it pisses me off. i don't think you know what you are talking about, at all. some of the things that you say, make it seem like you're wanting to go out of your way to stop me from being me. well- i'm not taking any lgbt advice from a fucking trump supporter.
but i still can't get your words out of my head.
"you don't act like a boy, at all. you don't even seem like you're trying."
"your hair isn't even a boy-cut, you'd have to go shorter / bald."
"technically- you're not a man, if you don't want bottom surgery."
i don't want to act like your average boy. i'm not for that life about acting like a fucking neanderthal. i don't want your ugly ass haircuts. i fucking see plenty of boys with haircuts like mine.
but it keeps echoing in the back of my fucking head, and i hate it so much. you wanted to fucking help me with my depression so much, and yet you're very un-fucking-supportive about the fucking things that make me happy. this whole "reeducation because i'm fucking sheltered" shit. that doesn't make me fucking happy. unless i'm about to drink draino, because i think it's koolaid, then you can fucking shove it.
i'm done. i don't want your fucking advice anymore.
you've fucking crossed the line.
I'm so pissed I missed Canada Vs Korea. I mean obviously Korea was gonna win but I wanted to see it. UHG why did I have to do things.
Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show, I'm Bojack the horseman, don't try an act like you don't know I'm trying, to hold onto my past, it's been so long I don't think I'm going last..I'm just trying..to make you understand...that I'm more horse then a man or more man then a horse, Bojack.
I need you to tell me I'm a good person.
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/m13a8O1.gif]][center Why can't they just let me file this shit online? Why do I have to call in to do it. I fucking hate this I just want to get it over with and call the lawyer, but nah let's just prove why I need this shit and put me on hold for over and hour and let my anxiety eat away at me so by the time someone does pick up I've already bawled or on the verge of it. Is that why you're making me do it since you don't think stress a legit reason someone shouldn't work, or is it just cause I mentioned my memory is shit. I don't fucking know it's bad enough I can't remember what I wrote in last time so this time around it'll prolly be different shit. I don't want to do this myself anymore. I wish I had someone who could help me but I don't have anyone, yes Suga would help if she could but I know better. And morte can't do it for me because he can't fucking talk so i guess fml I gotta just try and suck it up or just cry over the phone maybe it'll get my point across.]
[center about to have a fucking panic attack while on hold wtf is wrong with me besides every fucking thing lol]
[center [size15 [font "didot" •[u D E P R E S S I O N] •]]][center [size8 [font "didot" [i /listening to "No angels"/
[center [size10 [font "didot" [i "Well today was fun, went to Incredible Pizza with my Special Olympics and Alex got a one thousand tickets and spent it on me! I got a stuffed giraffe, stuffed dolphin, new headphones and a crap ton of candy! I had a lot of fun this afternoon and then at six? I think, it's going to be senior night~ I'm so happy this is my last year, I made it nana! I'm not a failure like all those kids called me, I showed them huh? I'm so happy! Life is going so well! Alex is the best thing that has ever happen to me in this life I've lived, He is my treasure! Best parent I swear!"
Ugh, paying for lay away for my niece’s first Christmas with us. I’m excited for this. She’s making me a better person because realizing I’m helping raise her, I’m changing my ways. I’m biting my tongue and thinking about others before I think about myself. My little Sea Turtle makes me happy. What makes my my heart swell is being her godmom. I’d take a bullet for this baby...
[size09 I have such a hard time getting rid of negative people in my life, and I don't know why. My ex -- is still around. Barely but ... She still messages me for some reason. She doesn't even care about me. Barely asks me how I'm doing. All she wants to do is talk about herself. But she also sucks at holding a conversation so I dip out 99% of the time.
Majority of my offline friends turned out to be assholes. I had a friend that tried to take credit for who I am, and another friend that did nothing but talk shit about me and make my life hell after we had a falling out. She also tried to give me advice about money after she lost her job and didn't bother with getting another. Hypocrite...
I'll never understand why I attract people that just aren't good for me. Granted, I have much better friends than those three mentioned but still ... I dunno . I just wish the people near me didn't suck so much I guess. With the exception of a few, most of my "friends" don't care about me. ;; I need to work on making better irl friends. Even if I can't hang out with them much.
Speaking of ! I really wanna befriend someone in my photography class. She's adorable and interesting to me. I think / hope we can get along.
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b I'm connnnn fuuused. You're asking for "mature" and some how remain immature.
Also thought haters were irrelevant? Thought you got too much going to care? Mm? No? Zayum. Must be nice with all that time to be bothered. Must be mother fucking nice to have all the time like some yall do.
I don't even got a family to support sure fucking feels like I'm working for a family. Some ungrateful kids who argue with me and a s/o who us clearly falling out of love with me.
I mean I don't as a matter of fact am wonDERFULLY child free and have a extremely wonderful s/o who treats everyone like garbage and me like Im fragile. But the bitch didn't cuddle me at all last night. Shjwocub. Anyways picking up them hours, man, fucking hurrrtss. Question: how many esians know the feeling of working full-time hours? Hm. Dunno.
On another note really upset that my son can't get that good shit because he obvi isn't mentally able to work hence why he applied but that's okay because lawyer coming to the rescue-also some money from me if needed because that's bullshit and I want him to get the fuck out.
They say you can't heal in the environment you got "hurt" or "sick" in. My god. Was that so true. It's been 7 months away from you and my god, fuck my ass and call me Carol, my depression is a lot better. There are its moments OBVIously but I'm even off meds and a shit ton better. I've brought the topic up before but I think after I got my huuge medical bill paid off, I'm going to being it up again that I want to get back on lexapro. I know I need something to correct my irrational emotion change. Even my doctor in the shit town told me I probably need to double up doses. Or maybe that's just her wanting to drain me of money idk. But my anger issues are really unexplainable and as much as I'd like to control them it's very difficult. I haven't blown up in awhile though so that's pretty great.
All in all? Life is 8/10. Thanks to my bae who kisses me everyday and my wonderful job helping me pay bills. Only 8 because I don't have time to spend with my friends. Or to keep je updated on my boring life now that I'm kind of a normal person!
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/yFmgb2g.gif]][center [size10 Bro is cool, and I appreciate he looks out for me and shit and doesn't want me to get cabin fever and shit, but I still feel off regardless of how much I go over there. Almost every time I do I break down and cry. That's not normal and he says that's good but... Its not because usually when I'm over there I'm happy and content I have no reason to cry. But I've cried over the stupidest shit.]][center [size10 Also it's funny how remembering shit people can Fuck you up. I did what I did and still feel like shit over it even tho i did what I needed. It doesn't make sense but I guess shit some people say to me just gets to me more than I realize. Prolly cause of how I was raised and the shit step father and all that other shit I've ignored for so long. There's a reason why I refuse to tolerate shit people. I've done it before and it's fucked me up. Granted those shit people didn't come off openly as shit people at first cause they good at manipulating and all that fun shit. It's not that I'm blind to it per say it's more that it's considered normal to me cause I grew up around it. Its also why even when I was in an obviously abusive relationship I didn't really admit it cause who's that was normal someone being cruel and mean and beating you down with awful words? No my parents did that that's just tough love. Whatever I guess. It is normal my mom says so cause why tf would I ever have disorders caused by trauma nothing fucking traumatic ever happened to me. I'm perfectly fine and mentally stable.]]
[center [size10 In all honesty I wish my kidneys would officially fail and the rest of my body followed shit. I'm not worth shit why do people even like me. My own mother doesn't want me anymore and the only father figure I had disowned me and my father could have loved me but I wasn't allowed that cause God forbid I have anything good in my life. I fuckin adore bro but he's got his moments too and given past shit I dont even know if I should get attached. I just want someone to fuckin protect me irl and be like a big brother but I prolly don't even deserve that. I dont deserve anyone in my life right now I'm supposed to be getting better but all I'm doing is falling apart all over again.]]
[size09 double post bc I haven't been here in a while .
I'm just -- stressed . and depressed, lol . it's impossible for me not to be around this time of year . so many bad things have happened around this time of year . I'm trying to make good memories but it's been hard. my mood just plummets so much around this time of year. I'm honestly glad that no one has been mad at me , for not really talking or leaving my void . I appreciate it a lot , honestly .
I hate being the way that I am , but all I can do is take it one step at a time .
Nothing can ever get better if I don't keep moving forward.
So -- that's what I'll do.
[center [size10 Some people just need to stop. You know who you are lol]]
[center [size10 on the subject of people who need to just stop I kind of wish that Andre would just get fired at this point. Its not just bias at this point but it's apparently his attitude is like this to a lot of people who work with him. It kind of sucks since Bro has had two nose bleeds due to having to hold in his anger from him going off on him. Tonight he yelled at him and he had to hold back a part of him that wanted to murder Andre. Oh well, I hope he can get a job else where because obviously they aren't going to drop Andre anytime soon and this stress isn't good for anyone.]]
[center [size10 also you'd assume someone who been here THAT long they'd know how to code but I guess not]]
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