[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/WwodPSQ.jpg]][center [size10 when it's pretty much decided you're sick and so you decide to let yourself get drugged so you can sleep but now it's almost 1 am and sleep is eluding you and you feel and look like crud and you have work in the morning and you're pretty sure you gonna get told not to go in and you gonna complain even tho they completely right to tell you not to do it. But bitch you stubborn af. Also my insides are making noises but as least my head doesn't feel like it's gonna explode as much anymore oh wait I coughed and now it's angry scratch that. Fuck illness man I need money and shit I ain't got time for this.]]
[center [size10 I just wanna be violently knocked TF out my head gonna hurt either way like Jesus fuck.]]
Someone tried to get into my house last night. But, once they figured out the porch was locked and had a loud metal latch on it, they ran. There was no car in the driveway, but I did hear a car drive by serval times...
[center [size11 I fucking hate everything right now, mostly myself because what I look like. Self-esteem problems right? So I didn't call Rix last night because I don't have power for two days and she's been worried and worrying everyone else because she thought I was dead. She had a reason to think that though as I've been starving myself and not getting any sleep to write lyrics.
I'm literally starving the creativity out of me as if I had a stomach bug.
Cheers to you all loves.
"Give me one more song, one more song to give me content above!"
Letters left under the bed.
I’m always sad. Sounds stupid. Sounds angsty. But I like being sad? It makes me feel real. It’s comforting. It’s like the only feeling I can ever feel safe in. I’m sad I can’t speak to my friends anymore. They’ve all got journeys and struggles and I miss them. It’s not their faults they can’t talk. I haven’t been exactly spectacular about that either. I’ve just been hella distancing myself because I’m so drained from being the pillar of my work shift and the pillar of my relationship. Then people wonder why I’m so mean and cranky. I can’t constantly be support and not even be shielded from all the bullshit. Y’know? I wish you did. Because you don’t understand that I’m tired of catching him fall. It’s my job, it’s not longer something I do out of love. And boy doesn’t love get you anywhere but far. It keeps you silent because there’s nothing you can do. It makes you restless because you feel the need to be there. I’m a thinker. I question everything in my life. Is this right? Is this what I want for me? I don’t know. Who am I supposed to be? It just doesn’t add up. Something is wrong. But I’m too distracted with adult life to find the problem. And you can never tell if there’s a problem.
Have you ever watched someone be somewhat happy and just [i cringe]? Because lately I see everyone else happy and it makes me grit my teeth. What has karma got coming around for them? Or are they playing this façade better than they should? Fuck them. I made it this far with out an f bomb. But fuck you. The only joy in the world I get from your existence is your self inflicted misery and watching you rot from all the despair.
When you’ve watched your friends turn into strangers I come up with reasons to distance myself. And for everyone it makes sense. But not for you. For you it just doesn’t fit right. It’s like I’ve never known you from the start. Which doesn’t make sense.... correct? It’s like I don’t know anyone I’ve grown to love and cherish. Because how could you just suddenly be so corrupt and stubborn to stay so fucking.... low vibed. I didn’t notice the sneak things you did before but I see it now that I’m not longer with you. You pick battles you don’t continue to fight for. You wanted someone who wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. I couldn’t keep up with all of the things you were putting yourself through. So why is it I keep missing you? So why is it I miss the people who’ve left me in the dark? I miss you and it scares me. I continue distancing myself from you because something in me tells me to fucking run. If I want to be pain free I should run. I always run. So don’t follow me. I still cry knowing we’re done. But I keep telling myself we have to walk away no matter how we feel. It’s so hard. And complex. Knowing that I’ll never feel like that again. I’m addicted to being close to people. And the closest I’ve ever been to someone was with you. I’m the fire sign but I guess I got burned. I’ll say goodbye a thousand times but it’ll never be enough to let this go. Apparently.
I miss you most of all. It’s not like we are super close or anything. I’m sure you’ve got and met more important people. You’re wonderful. Beautiful. And so addicting to be around. You’re so close but too far. It’s stupid to suggest it’s star crossed. I hate cliches. I hate gushy shit. But god I don’t mind when it comes to you. When I think of you, still, I feel so much better. I get myself amped up even imagining a second with you. That’s fair, right? It’s okay as long as I’m not impulsively acting upon it. I want to, but what’s the point? We’re so tangled up in our own lives we can’t weave through the things we got ourselves into. It makes me feel so selfish wanting more of you. It makes me so frustrated needing more doses of you. These cold sweats and shivering bones plead on for so much longer with you. I’m so disgusted with myself that I’m infatuated with you. It doesn’t disgust you? Doesn’t frighten you? Does it make your skin crawl knowing I think of you so much it’s creepily obsessive? Because it scares me sometimes. It makes me want to writhe in my skin and shrivel up and into concentrated filth. To be picked up in tweezers and thrown into a sealed tube hidden from the world. But this is how it goes when I think of you. I feel warm, I feel hope, and then I just freak myself out with my own thoughts. I’m sorry. I’m glad you don’t have to deal with me often.
I’m so tired. I should sleep. But so much is running through my mind... but my brain keeps saying, “we are running out of letters to spell our thoughts with.” So here I go. Slumped with my bad thoughts I always push to the back of my mind.
[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/Smh7kxM.jpg]][center [size10 this lemonade is fucking with my virgo aspects like crazy, I feel like mostly my Mars though, haven't really noticed anything from my Venus placement but we still got like a week left. Speaking of I'll probably wind up killing someone before this is over with. Mars in Virgo placements are overly nitpicky and have a gazillion pet peeves and I'm no less guilty than any one else sharing the placement but this fucking Kool aid is making it so much worse. People testing my patience and that shit is fucking with my energy. It's not necessarily bad energy it's almost like I'm going through a maniac episode, which might be the case but that's the same energy I'm putting off I feel like. It's not angry but it's not a positive energy either. What's soaked into me is just there. It's dense and weighted and I don't even know if it's going out towards anyone else at this rate. I'm trying to do like she says we should and give out to the world light and love but holy fuck have you met people??? Do you know how hard that is? I work with two that make it extremely hard to spread anything but hate and murder.]]
Another vet bill coming soon... My 14 year old cat was attacked by a feral cat and now her leg is bleeding..
[center [size10 never wanted to murder someone more than now. "She's been beating me up all day" no one told you to run into that door tho. No told you to get right behind me for me to step on you either. "I feel like I ran a mile I need to go sit in my car" with how much you were asking people to do shit I think your mouth prolly ran a mile but you sure didn't. Like my hip hates me and I still run around and shit and look at you working front counter leaving all those trays for that poor woman to clean and barely finishing the trash for her. "you should probably take the trash out for her before she gets here" "I know I was going to" "okay just reminding you" "I was going to" no you weren't don't lie to me to my face you damn lawn gnome I'll take a shovel to you]][center [size10 also inhaling those two cups of coffee wasn't enough I wanted more. But I stopped myself. Also no one told me when I work on days off I get a free meal. Y'all should told me that'll entice me to give up my rest days just to get more money and not have to pay for my one meal of the day. Saves me money while making me money. Also James is my favorite I don't even care that he's a Scorpio 10/10 right there. So many people I work with that I'd kill for. Also lawn gnome made James do his job this morning 10/10 you wanna die don't you]][center [size10 also might get to see suga tomorrow prolly will do it so I don't have to be home when the water person is here. But also my TV stand comes tomorrow bless.]]
[center [s [size10 also should prolly study my dragon deck myself but oops I haven't had the right energy to wanna touch my cards.]]]
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b When you clock in with neon and he LITERALLY FUCKING TAKES A BREATH OF COFFEE WHAT ARE YOU DOING BOY
ALSO in the bathroom rn because coffee kills. Listening to neon get fucked in drive. :( sorry my son. My guts hate me.
Also ALSO ALSO I am loving life I was sick for like 0.2 seconds and now I’m better sweated that shit off but my throat still hurts
Need to study my blood borne deck tho
Well I’m fucking glad you were so eager to spend some fucking time with me.
Fuck this noise I’m working on my song now.
I don’t know how many people knew but in November I had jaw surgery where they broke my jaw in two different places and screwed plates in to correct my overbite. Well, two months after that I developed a bump on the right side of my jaw. I saw my surgeon who told me everything was fine and that it was either a hematoma or a bone callous from the surgery. I took his word for it and continued to monitor it, two months later with several emails to him where he continued to say I’m fine and not to worry about it. The small bump slowly developed into a large swell that became so painful almost my entire face felt like one giant bruise because of the amount of pressure this swell created. Yesterday, March 13th I went in to see a resident at the oral and maxillofacial department to get a second opinion. Not only did he actually show concern but he ran several tests and asked many questions about the pain it was causing, etc. Only to confirm my fears, it was an infection. So, he said I needed surgery as soon as possible and that’s exactly what happened. I took a cat scan with iv to light up my veins and skin tissue, and then an hour later I was put under anesthesia to cut open the swell and remove what puss was inside. They took an entire syringe of puss out, and placed a drain tube inside to remove anything else that will develop and also put me on antibiotics to help fight the infection. The weird part is that the person who did my surgery said there was no reason for me to develop such a large abscess under the scar tissue and the only way it could’ve happened was via spider bite, which I wouldn’t be surprised about because I recently discovered I have a small black widow infestation in my room that I’ve been working on removing. So for those who are wondering, yes the swelling is going down and the pain is starting to fade more, and I’m beginning to feel better. I am however still working the anesthesia through my system so I am heavily exhausted and walking like I’m drunk. Just wanted to update everyone and let people know I’m okay.
I still believe in you and love you
You got this..
Gnats. Gnats everywhere. Living in the South, it gets warmer and warmer and the gnats come in swarms. They come through sink, shower, and bath drains and they're hard to kill. They bite too and it's annoying.
Also, Ebay owes me cute little devil horn clips. Dx I wanted them for a lewk I wanted to try.
Oh, and I hope that this all works out how I hope it does and I'm able to go to meet several Instagram friends and Justin Briner, Clifford Chapin, and J Michael Tatum in August.
[center [size11 It's funny how people tend to mention me as 'Mr. Sinister' just because of something I did in one class period. Like how does that fucking work? One class period and now the whole school refers to me as the name? Honestly, some kids are really shitty and I'm gonna give them no respect at all if they call me that. I don't even like the name, I'm not sinister or am I?
At this point, people are also trying to pull me into a religion by telling me what I personally believe doesn't exist. It's not my fault I believe in karma cos it's gonna give you what you get and we're all gonna get a death we deserve. Now that sounds bad, right? Nah, you just gotta do good in my opinion to get good karma.
Anyways, fucking EP's huh? I've been recording with a chorus and it's honestly been so frustrating when the tenors kept singing F sharps instead of naturals like guh bro, this is my EP and I need you to sound better so I can get signed into a record label.
Anyways life is being frustrating as usual, I'm being torn away from my mate and it feels really bad because I won't be able to call her as much as I used to and I don't get to hear her laugh at all either which is KILLING ME. But I wrote a song for her named 'Prey' and she did the instrumental with me despite me living halfway across the country for her.
What love would do to make music huh?
Honestly, big mood.
[pic http://orig01.deviantart.net/9538/f/2015/261/7/e/ruefeather_by_mothbone-d9a0xkb.gif ]
[center [size11 The throbbing of the bass guitars reach the back of my ears as I think of you, love. You know I'd kill for you in the name of love and sticks and stones will break my bones but bulletholes won't hurt me. Invincible, unbreakable, unstoppable, I'll show you who's worthy.
You grab the wheel, I'll take the gun and fuck this world, my love is real. Fuck the world, our love is real and they can't take it anymore can they? In the name of love I'll follow you, and if your body is cold and dead, I'd die for you.
I hope you know you are worth it and everything you stand for.
It's you who showed me what true music was with that voice of yours and you still complete me and help me grow to who I am. Even though the cuts that adorn our bodies, we will get through this together as you always say.
Though it doesn't sound like it sometimes with my bouts of depression, I put full faith in you when you tell me it's gonna be okay. And by fucking God's name, you're right.
Cheers love, your name Rix means a lot to me.
[pic http://orig01.deviantart.net/9538/f/2015/261/7/e/ruefeather_by_mothbone-d9a0xkb.gif ]
[center [size10 Y'know, I get petty remarks, I get not being in a mood to take shit, but how fucking long have I been wanting to get everyone together to just play this damn game. I know I know, "I really like the game" or whatever bullshit comes out of everyone's mouths, but y'know, there comes a time when not feeling like it or the complete lack of being able to pull it off except like once or twice a month really shows me how much everyone really "enjoys" the game.
Let me just for a moment put into perspective what's going on here. Because as you few remember, I wasn't as into the thought of DnD as all of you were. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it at [i all]. But everyone was so fucking excited to do it that I joined along anyway. And now when we can't even get along enough to run a few simple old content raids in WoW? Why the fuck should I bother?
So when Wednesday rolls around, you all can control my character and play without me. That seem fair in the giving what I'm getting? Cause it sure as hell seems fair to me.
I'm fucking balls deep in needing to move and not sure where all my money is going to be able to stretch out to do so as well as paying Caleb back for the computer and neck deep in the annoying fucking stress of it all. Yet you two can't seem to figure out how to get along for two fucking seconds.
I get it, you've both got your stress too. But here's the thing. I'm still fucking me. And if hanging out with the two of you and us all [i pretending] to be friends is supposed to make all our lives a little more fun and a little less stressful, and all it manages to do is make the stress worse.. then I have no fucking issue with cutting you both off.
The joy of being close to someone like me, I know. So enjoy DnD, enjoy your few days, week, few weeks, till I get back home or however long of a break I fucking need without the children fucking bickering and unable to be civil long enough to give me finally just ONE fucking night in forever that we can actually all play WoW. Thanks mates. Real swell of ya. Take care.]]
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