[center [size10 Kek. Such a simple happening and yet I have such an overwhelming feeling of "I've won." With a 2k hospital bill that popped up and a few other things we need to get done before we moved, I just didn't see how if we got a place first, we'd be able to get those things done. Surely, moving back home for a few months and not having to pay for rent or all of my own food due to living with family was the only way we'd be able to pour enough of my money into those things to get it all done. Of course I didn't want to leave Setka's side, but rather than "giving up" I saw it merely as a tactical move. Move back for about 6 months and get all that important shit done then come back and live more comfortably in our own place or move soon and be living paycheck to paycheck? Well, I'd rather get that shit done first. Hahaha.. yet lo and behold.. what do I see when I get a text from you?? "Please stay for the years time." Ooooh you have no [i idea] how that spread a shit eating grin across my face. I feel so much fucking adrenaline at the thought of what hell you've been to live with. How shitty you let the state of your house get if it weren't for me. How you say one thing and then turn and do the opposite. Give us space to put our stuff then slowly over time push our stuff out to replace it with more of the junk you don't fucking use.
And now. No I get a [i "Please"] from your dirty ass huh? You like how I take better care of your house than you, cunt? How I bite my tongue and pick up after you. Let you get more and more lazy and yet say nothing, still picking up after you.
Everyone always said the same thing. "Tell her off" "Don't stand for that." But I did things my way. Smile to her face and curse her behind her back. I know, I'm such a bully. I'm so mean. And yet there's a method to my madness. It gets me fucking results. I say whatever on the internet cause people can close their tab if they don't want to hear what I have to say, but in person I'm much more calculating and conniving. I think things out way far in advance and plan [i everything.]
Should I have told her off? Maybe. Did the time I spent picking up after her nonsense make me feel grotesquely hateful towards her? Absolutely. But I stuck to my guns and wore a deceitful smile on my face. Being her fucking maid for a few months. And now she's begging me not to go. "I want to go on vacation in February. If you aren't here I'd have no one to watch the dogs." Kek... and best of all. "I'm okay with money, you can go rent free the last few months."
No way in hell would I have had her begging and letting me go rent free for these last few months if I had told her off.
I'm narcissistic and see myself way higher than I probably should. But I don't expect shit to come to me without fucking working for it. If I hadn't kept my mouth in check.. let her think I needed her, let her think she was in control.. she would have never gotten reliant on everything I do to keep her rat's nest clean. Now I'm the one looking down on you bitch. Rent free and holding onto that "Please" like it was the god damn lottery. God, I never imagined it would get this fucking good in this shit hole. But fuck if this isn't the best power high I've had in a while.
It pays to stop and think. To plan. To bide your anger and play it nice even when you hate someone. And this is why I do it. You never know what glorious things could come of it. And this is why they were so offended at the use of "Reckless" to define me. Man, what a fucking turn today ended up being.]]
[center [size9 Ever hit that high point in life?
It's like a rollercoaster and I'm afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of the drop.
I'm afraid of hitting rock bottom.
[center [size10 how dare you tell me on the night I got out straight to my face that you felt guilty because the day it all happened you noticed I seemed off but apparently one of your first thoughts when you found out where I was involved if I stayed in there a long time and couldn't pay rent. How dare you turn out the night I get out and tell Shannon she should kick me out. I asked you nicely to try not to go into Shannons room unless you needed to and what did you do while I was at work? You have the fucking audacity to blame my psychotic break on her? I don't know being in the apartment alone with her was okay. I'm on edge when I'm alone with it in you. I don't know how you're going to react to stuff. So at the end of the day I don't believe if we blamed someone it would be Shannon I believe it would be you. It sucks when you want to trust someone you know you shouldn't anymore. It sucks when all I want to do is work but I have to worry in the back of my head about what someone is doing back home. Pathetic, you're 10 years younger than me, fucking grow up and act like it.]]
[Center ᴀʟʟᴇʀɢʏ ʀᴀsʜ: sᴛɪʟʟ ʜᴇʀᴇ.
ʜᴇᴀᴅᴀᴄʜᴇ: sᴛɪʟʟ ʜᴇʀᴇ.
ғᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ɢᴀᴍᴇ: ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ.
ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ: ᴠᴇʀʏ ᴍᴇᴍᴇɪɴɢғᴜʟ ʀɴ.
ɪᴛ ʜᴜʀᴛs ᴛᴏ ᴡᴀʟᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ'ᴍ sᴛɪʟʟ ᴄʀᴀᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴜᴘ ᴊᴏᴋᴇs. sᴇɴᴅ ᴀ ᴍᴇʀᴄʏ ᴋɪʟʟᴇʀ ᴘʟᴢ.
[center [size11 I've been dreaming of us leaving everything and everyone we've ever known.
I've been thinking all these visions must be a sign, so hold on and don't let go.
I couldn't see a thing 'til I shut my eyes.
I never knew a thing until I lost my mind.
I would sell my soul to know it all but...
I held the keys,
All this time.
Well, my world was flipped upside-down yesterday... I had to visit you in the hospital... You looked pitiful... You really are an idiot...
[Center ᴍʏ ᴛʜʀᴏᴀᴛ ʜᴀsɴ'ᴛ ɢᴏᴛᴛᴇɴ ᴀɴʏ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ. ᴏʀ sᴏ ɪᴛ ғᴇᴇʟs. ᴍʏ ᴠᴏɪᴄᴇ ɢᴀᴠᴇ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ. ɪᴛ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ғᴇᴇʟ sᴏ ɢʀᴇᴀᴀᴀᴀᴀᴛ. ᴀʟsᴏ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ғɪᴠᴇ ʀᴇᴀsᴏɴs ᴡʜʏ ɪ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛʜɪs ɢᴏᴏᴅ ʙᴏɪ ᴛᴀᴛᴛᴏᴏᴇᴅ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴛʜɪɢʜ. ɪ ᴀᴅᴏʀᴇ ʜɪᴍ sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ. ɪ'ᴠᴇ ɢᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴛʏ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ʙᴜᴢᴢ ɢᴏɪɴɢ... ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟ ʜᴇᴀʟᴛʜ ʜᴀs ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴍᴇʜ. ɪ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴜɴᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢᴇᴛ ᴍʏsᴇʟғ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜɪɴɢs sᴜᴄʜ ᴀs ᴛᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅs. ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʜᴀs ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀ ᴄʜᴏʀᴇ. ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴀɴᴅ. ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴇʀɢʏ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴛʜᴇᴍ. ɪᴛ ғᴇᴇʟs ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴍʏ ᴇғғᴏʀᴛs ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴠᴇʀsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ ᴊᴜsᴛ ɢᴏᴇs ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ sʜɪᴛᴇ ʙᴏx. ᴍʏ ᴍᴇᴅs ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴄʜᴀɴɢɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴄʜᴇᴍɪᴄᴀʟs sᴏ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪғ ɪ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛᴇᴅ ᴀɴʏ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ.. ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ʜᴀʀᴅ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴋᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜɪɴɢs ᴀʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏᴜsᴇ. ɴᴏᴛ sᴜʀᴇ ɪғ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ ʜᴀs ɴᴏᴛɪᴄᴇᴅ. ɪ'ᴍ ᴛᴏᴏ sᴄᴀʀᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴅᴍɪᴛ ɪᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴏɴᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪᴛ's ᴍʏ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ. ɪ ғᴇᴇʟ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ᴄᴏɴsɪᴅᴇʀɪɴɢ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛʀɪʙᴜᴛᴇ ᴍᴜᴄʜ. ɪᴛ sᴜᴄᴋs.
ᴀɴʏᴡᴀʏ, ɪ ɢᴜᴇss ᴛʜᴀᴛ's ᴀʟʟ.]
[center [size7 Ever get that feeling of desperation and hopelessness around your neck?
Might be a noose after all.
But I'm too much of a pussy to do it.
Fuck all yall don't touch me
My Boah is fucking [i d e a d].
My baby. My...
Who's gonna tell me "atta guurrrl"
What the hell is the point. Over and over and over again, let idiots get close to me. Let them say stupid gross garbage like they “love” or “care”. Yeah well, where the hell are you? Yeah I’m strong, I’m mostly emotionless, I don’t give a damn about much of anyone. But when I protect you, when I waste my time giving you attention, when it’s hard for a jerk like me. affection is annoying and useless, but I forced myself. You ever think about why? Dammit. You’re dense but...grrr changing these parts of me, even if it’s slowly..the hell do you think that means. It ain’t rocket science. But it ain’t enough, tch
Another person tossin away any efforts I make. Another person screaming they care and then bouncing the second I couldn’t be exactly what they want. Whatever, it’s not like I give a crap anyway. So damn numb to it. Not a damn person that said they cared meant it, because being strong for me too wasn’t an interest for them. Being supportive wasn’t a damn role they wanted to play. Helping me work through my damage wasn’t somethin on their list of things they wanted to do. I ain’t expecti to be fixed dammit. But...I needed an idiot to support to push me through. Yeah, I’m your prince...and yeah I take on a lot. I can take on all your garbage plus my garbage and keep it together.
*grits teeth* yeah...yeah I can do that. And push my crap under the rug again and just stay broken like I did with everyone else that demanded I tend to them first. But when I ain’t gettin fixed, you wonder why and bounce. Just like everyone else. This is why I never bother giving a crap, why things like love are stupid waste of time. You don’t care, never did, bc you ain’t anywhere to be found when I deal with crap. Whatever, guess I don’t either
A kid at work today asked me for a cigarette.
I told him no.
End of story.
Don’t smoke kids.
Drama llamas. But isn't that well of chaotic emotions where your deepest inspirations come from?
And possibly your greatest works?
Oh Byron. To think your namesake has been reduced to a burger place.
[center [size10 So I think by now that anyone -except maybe people new to es- knows if they "don't want to start anything" with me, to just not say anything. But see opinions and venting goes both ways. So my opinion was that children using the word "forever" amuses me. So I made a post that had to do with you because you seem very eager to open up the world of the internet to your personal life.
But if you're going to do that instead of making a private journal, if you're going to be so forward about your issues, then you have to learn to take the comments, opinions and criticism of others. Or atleast if you can't handle them, atleast don't be so naive to think that you're the only one that can have such things be out in the open.
As far as me spreading my opinions about you, spreading my opinions are what I do because I don't see the point in smiling to your face if I don't like you. Perhaps for some people I see as worth it, I'll hold back my overly judgmental mouth for some time to try to preserve what bit of our interactions I can, but I have made it very clear from the beginning that I'm not overly fond of you.
Still, I'd answer most of your PMs and help with advice or what not. But I've never said I liked you or saw you as a friend. My only "friends" outside of my mate and the people on his side are Caleb and Victor. Everyone else is more like a high tier acquaintance and most everyone knows that.
That being said, if you'll notice, I have no gun in my hand. I don't threaten people into thinking either way about you. If someone thinks something about my opinion that you're an edgy tumblr teen that fades in and out of labels and fads faster than a speeding bullet and agrees with me, then it's likely because they already felt that way but just agreed with me because I actually come out and say this shit. So if people other than me think anything negative about you, sweetie look in a mirror and ask yourself what [i you've] done to get that reaction.
I have been [i outstandingly] more absent from ES compared to what I used to be. I live with my mate now, I'm constantly talking to Caleb whenever he's not working and I'm working on finding and getting into our own house, so I haven't had the time or to be frank, the energy to come back on es to "spread" my opinions lately.
But here's the thing, you had me linked to your profile for whatever god awful reason. And the funny thing is, the most I did was mention it to Caleb and Setka and laughed about it cause... why? I found it humorous but funnily enough, believe me or not, that's pretty much as far as my "spreading my opinions" went. It was Setka and Caleb that were mostly ticked off and offended that you had me labeled "Reckless" on your profile because they both know how calculating I am. How [i not] reckless I am. I was mostly brushing it off cause I cared enough to mention it and have a chuckle about it but I didn't quite care enough about it cause.. well it was you.
The sweet thing is, I for once didn't have anything to do with Caleb sending you the PM that he did. I know! [i Amazing] isn't it? He was the one that was irked the most by me being on your profile. Probably because he knew I wasn't close or anything with you and he felt protective. Either way though, if you are under the assumption that I pushed him into doing it with my opinions of you, unfortunately no, that wasn't the case. Though I won't lie and say that I wasn't absolutely giddy when said he'd sent you something. Usually my mate and friends leave me to do my thing and it's rare that someone joins in or stands up for me cause I don't really need the backup. But having him care that much was a nice change.
So here's my suggestion. Get used to people being able to talk about whatever they want in journal. Accept that if you make your life public, people can and sometimes will respond. And maybe it'd be best for you to ignore my posts and comments in the future. Because whether I'm mostly inactive here or not, if I have an urge to say something, it's gunna happen. That's about it.
Now to more important things since I know I've been silent for a while and some people on here may still care to know how things have been.
We've been having issues with the room mate lately and despite me paying rent for December she wanted me to go back to Georgia for a week so she could have some time alone to socially recharge. And the funny thing about that is I never fucking talk to her or am around her unless it's her complaining to me about everything I'm apparently doing "wrong". Kek. It's disgustingly funny when I take care of the house better than she does, i.e. pick up after my animals, don't leave the bathroom a mess and take out the trash, but she does none of that and never has, but wants to nitpick about every little thing.
She not only wants us out for a week but told us to basically not talk to her unless someones dying or the house is on fire. We have to live the two weeks before she wanted us gone like we don't exist. Don't be out of the room if she's out there, keep quiet, I have to take the dogs with us everywhere we go when she's off on the weekend. So like hell I'm going out of my way to get out for a week. All my money is gone cause if you didn't notice, its almost [i Christmas] AND any extra money I have isn't going to be leaving when I've already paid rent, it's going to be saving so we can have extra for one of our housing options. So her and her sad little ass can indeed wither borrow a camper from her grandfather or spend a shit ton of money to fly to Colorado to "socially recharge".
By the way, not even a week into our "Don't talk to me unless someone's dying or the house is on fire" and shes sent me messages herself like two or three times. Kek, sure. If you want that time alone, maybe YOU leave me the hell alone, cause believe me, babe I'm 100% gucci with not talking to your filthy ass.
As far as the house search goes, we have a guy that has apartments and is much more personable than going through real-estate and doesn't mind all the pets and reptiles. And we have someone the family knows that has a 3 bed 2 bath mobile home that the current tenant is an issue and so she may be kicking them out. If so, it's further away from Setka's job than the apartment is but its a house instead of an apartment so the dogs barking wouldn't be an issue and Davey's brother living with us, he could scream and kackle as loud as he wants when he's gaming with his friends. So while none of us would prefer a mobile home 20 mins away, we'd prefer that over an apartment 10 mins away.
Sides, it's only for a year till Davey's mom lets them move out of this jank ass town and go wherever we want.
Hopefully one of the two options work out, but if not, I'm not super worried about moving back to Georgia. While the family is fucking nuts, living there without having to pay much - if any - rent would let me save a hell of a lot more money, and maybe then I could get me that Mustang that I want.
So overall, things are well I suppose. But just hitting that crunch time. Not the least stressful situation I've been in, but not the worst if people will just continue to work with us.
That's about it for now. I'm gunna go back to my lurking and hope that if anyone has anything else to say about all of that first part, they PM me instead of bringing it in Journal.
Oh and since I forgot to say it before, feel free to spread your opinions about me to others, cause my life doesn't revolve around what your or anyone elses opinions of me are.
Thanks for a brief callback to my days of wall posting in Journal]]
PUT CONTENT OR TRIGGER WARNINGS!
It's not hard to do especially when you seem to post in here every hour or two.
My body hates me right now. These weird bone pains are getting worse and it makes it hard to sleep. I cried so much last night because my legs hurt so bad. My overall health is good, I'm not sick and the last time I actually went to the doctor for my health was in September. It just kinda sucks because every doctor I went to as a child with every move I've had, they ignored me when I said my legs were hurting.
[Center [size9 So I went to my psychiatrist in Keystone and they decided to give me some anti-depressants and some behavioral shit to straighten me out more. But on the bright side, Juko ended up wasted and he got arrested last night for 1. Stealing most of my shit from my apartment. 2. Drunk driving.
I got all of my shit back and I'm happy, this ended out well.
I really hope these meds get me back on track.
[size7 Also Mun, I'm not trying to start [i anything ] with you. I may post here a lot and I know I'm not as fucked up as other people but sometimes I have a lot going on. I know that all this shit happened before I ever started posting here but just because I have a history of it doesn't mean I'll do it again. And It'll Never End is just something that I felt like, it's the only reasonable thing to say to fucking describe how I felt.
[i And all I ask of you is to not spread your own opinions about me. It's just not nice and am I spreading opinions about you? No. So please fucking stop. ]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.