[Center [youtube https://youtu.be/-kv10eAxJiM]][center [size14 [font "Courier New" [#696969 ~ ]]]] [i [size8 [font "Courier New" [#696969 “Just because the scars have healed, doesn’t mean the pain has."
[center [size14 [font "Courier New" [#696969 ~ ]]]]
I've been so unwell I had to see a doctor today. They gave me a shot and suggested I have a day off since the side effects include drowsiness. I was supposed to cover Keefer's shift because he wanted to have a nice romantic dinner. I feel terrible about it. But that place does so much to me mentally and it physically got me here anyways. And well his girlfriend is a garbage person to have taken him for granted.
Lynn has been overloading me with "what if" this and what not. He doesn't even like me.
I've got to go eat. But.
I guess I've got to focus on fighting this chest pains. Minnesota is coming up so soon.
[Size10 [center ESians should also remember that past behavior can permanently damage how everyone sees you for quite some time and when you emotionally abuse and manipulate your "friends" or even just let your friends see you doing it to other people, then when someone starts coming in saying you've done some really bad shit.. well the people that have seen what you're capable of don't hold those things as impossible cause they already know you're like that. Too bad years of the same behavior aren't so easily washed away.]]
[Size10 [center In other news, I enjoyed holding Setka in person more than I thought I would. I wouldn't peg myself a very affectionate or touchy man in person but it was actually pretty nice being able to hold him. And points for being able to keep myself from trying to strangle him. I was even a big boy and held a knife without stabbing him. I actually have some control in person that's good. Living here is pretty awesome so far, if it weren't for Alana being made late today due to the alarm saying some door or window is open so we have to figure that out so we can turn the alarm on. But she likes her privacy and peace and I'm more than happy to stay out of her hair and live with someone who doesn't bug me every 5 seconds. This move was a good thing. And everyone being able to see eachother did alot of good. Also what I gotta do to get me a Luke and a Caleb, man, for real.]]
With the recent influx of ES refugees invading my Messenger, you all are great, by the way, thank you so much, I have more of less been told about the majority of the things people have said about me.
I only wanna say to you all to be careful, I'm keeping these people from saying anything themselves because I don't want them to get alienated now that I'm kinda okay over all that happened, but you all really should be careful who you all listen to, some of the crazy stories I was told that people talked about me should leave things like physical scars in a number of areas that I don't even have, I even showed them pictures of the spots they mentioned.
Also ended up showing them a number of documents from our own side after they shower me the screenshots and print-outs they had, with things that other people falsified and deleted.
Them: Are you fucking serious, we never saw any of the rest of this when we were listening to them?!
All I can do is shrug.. I know my old friends already have their trust issues, but I don't want you guys to lose each other the same way I ended up going.. I loved my friends, still do, honestly, so please, please.. If someone else comes to you about terrible things someone else has done, go talk to other people about it, like the one it concerns and find out what happened from them, get real proof from both sides and it can save you all so much freaking pain and heartache..
Honestly.. I found out almost everything that had been said was mostly made up over jealousy, and I'm sorry I made people think things about me the way they did but it was never my intention, and I never made it easy on people to come talk to me about much of anything until last year so I completely get it, I was angry that my friends just left without a word, but it didn't even last more than an hour simply because I knew the years of how my mannerisms were and general outlook on life greatly affected the friends that I loved.
Couldn't ever show it, too afraid usually, and I'm really sorry about that, I'm pretty sure I apologised before, or tried but maybe it wasn't seen, either way I am sorry, I especially never wanted you all to hurt because of me, despite my general abrasiveness and lack of emotions, I cared for you all so very much, and I still do like I said above.
To sum it up.. I just wanted to tell you guys to be careful, I know how badly ESians can - Oh.. I just know kinda wondered if ESians is slightly racist because of all the Anime..
Oh well, it's been being said for years, anyways, I know how easily people can fly off the handle over assumptions or even the slightest hint of someone messing with them..
So.. Just be careful.. Don't lose each other over things that could very well be made up or a simple misunderstanding.
I hope you all have a good day, I've missed many of you so much and it's made me so happy I even started crying over it.. I'm a mess.. But thanks so much, it really really helps me..
Stay safe, everyone!!~
I had a really big scare today. Don't know why I doubted but Lol.
I've been weirdly sick all day? I've had a hard time holding things down . I decided to just bear with it and work tomorrow since it's a 4 hour shift. I've been vague to the public about what's been bugging me and I guess if it's important then I'll be vague as usual. Lol.
It's hard loving when all your jagged edges ache. And your softness manages to make it all the more painful. Your insecurities fed mine and now I over read everything you do. When we're away it seems like the world wants me to move along with it. Tugged by the undertow, but i always break free. Or where you the gaping sea, waiting to swallow me hole?
It hurts so much to love. I keep myself busy in hopes I can bury it and let it die in the dirt.
[size10 I've been feeling a little conflicted lately, but. I think it's starting to go away some.
more than anything, I'm sick of my place of work. sick of being treated like shit.
I need to get working on finding a new job. like asap. because I'm sick of this place and I don't want to stay here much longer. it's bad for me.
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/nNA65IH.gif]][center [size9 When some people talk on here it's kind of funny tbh. Like when they assume shit. Or short change themselves. You know my reaction to people showing on sliver of old behavior despite "changing" might be extreme but I guess abuse gives you those kinds of trust issues. Granted I still have parts of my that come out, old behaviors I prolly would try to deny to just a pure stranger but that most people who talk to me on a daily basis know are true and know I 100% own up to. If I say or do things I won't deny to them, I won't act like they aren't still relevant. Yeah, my bitch ass has calmed down a lot since years past but bitch I'm still one annoying ass mother fucker.]][center [size9 I have done things I would judge others for harshly but at that's all due to having done said things. I've been the "other person" in a relationship and honestly that shit is a bit "exciting" at first but it's kind of degrading and honestly at the time I completely thought the guy was worth it. Hell I thought he was worth all the shit he did to me, but now I know he wasn't. It was time wasted but also taught me an important lesson that not every guy you think is worth it truly is until you can see things from a different perspective.]]
[center [size10 In other news time to go dive into a new kpop group with Flary cause mmmyes. I'm already too biases deep.]]
[center [size10 I don’t care who reads this or if anyone says anything. I’m writing this to get out my feelings and just to get it out. I keep things bottled up for so long. It’s not healthy for anyone involved.
Where to start though? Obviously, you’ve figured out this isn’t the person who owns this account. Because I share the account with them. Yup, that’s right. I figured four years of being together, even if I was a side girlfriend for the majority of it, I still wanted something together.
Second, yes, I said four years. Four wonderful years together. Four years of being lucky in love with my best friend. I’m aware that whoever shall read this will most definitely say something to him or I. Because, yes, I was a side girlfriend. I was a mistress of sorts for the majority of our relationship. Not sure how I feel about it though. I love him, even now, as I write this. You can’t help who you fall in love with. You just can’t.
I know that he might retract all of this, but as long as I get it all out, I’m good. I am in love with this amazing boy. He’s going through some stuff, but I’ll always love him no matter what. Which I’m unsure if that’s good or bad. Literally, unconditional love. Real too. I’m not just saying this crap for sympathy or anyone to berate anyone. I’m just getting my feelings out there.
I find him to be perfect in all senses. He literally makes me want to be a better person. He’s supportive. Forgiving. Generous. He’s smart. He’s sweet. He’s kind. He’s just perfect. I couldn’t think of a better guy to want to be with. At least for me. He’s perfect for me.
Do I like being the side girlfriend? Honestly, no, but I’d take him anyway I could have him. I messed up a lot in my relationship with him. I was really terrible and he kept me grounded. He stood by me no matter what. He’s my best friend. My true love. My soulmate. You can hate all you want, but I know my feelings. My feelings are real and true. So say what you will. Your opinion doesn’t matter when it comes to my heart. I’m glad I got that all out. I feel better.]]
[Center It doesn't phase me anynore when people I'd give my life for fuck me over.
But I guess my heart is still catching up and I'm sick to my stomach.
Everyone I've loved that I rely on has let me down when I needed them the most.
But it's not a big deal I guess. Who could ever truly love someone like me?
I really need some help... I can't continue on feeling this way.
I don't know that it will ever get better
[Center Sorry you have to peel off the anger to see what's inside.
Honestly, idk what is wrong with my mom... She brought in the one man I fucking hate the most in this world back to live with us. I even begged for her not to bring him back but she did anyways. He is the man who has abused my mom, yelled/got in my face for no reason, and tried to fucking KILL my fiancee. Oh no but that's not enough for her. I feel like all my mom cares about is money and not the well being of others. All I can think about is how he came at my fiancee with a pair of sissors and tried to MURDER him. If my fiancee didn't push him about he'd probably not be here today and my mom doesn't care.... Instead she believes his side of the story over 3 fucking people who have seen/heard what actually happened and instead of believing us she believes a fucking drunk/drug addict. I wanna laugh at how stupid all this really is, I really do. I'm so stressed out rn tbh, now that he's back all I wanna do is crawl in a corner in my room and never leave but I can't do that. Only way out I can see is getting done with my school work and getting out of this piece of shit state.
-sigh- Idk what to do anymore tbh. I thought I knew my mom better than this but I guess not. Seems as she gets older she's becoming more and more bitter and money hungry. I'm starting to see what my dad has been saying about my mom is true. I love my mom but I can't trust her.
[center [size10 I get told often enough that I don't sleep enough or a lot but honestly I have days where I sleep over 12 hours and the people I love with come in to make sure I'm still breathing and honestly I can do really well with sleeping just enough but when I go do shit for whatever reason it takes a lot out of me socially and emotionally and I just wind up sleeping too much after. Its like a recharge or some shit. I dont even know anymore I just know it's frustrating. I noticed it when I lived in that house because I would go down to Ali's so much and just some days didn't leave the house to go see her. Now I notice it here cause living alone you never notice how much you sleep until you have people mention it to you and how others living with you were actually concerned for you since you were so legitimately dead to the world. The fact that they mention the stood outside your door until they heard you make a noise and were all "yep they're still alive" even then it's not like I think it's some huge concern or something I should be worried about, I know part of why it happens and that can be chalked up to my fucking depression. I'm not really worried I've dealt with this shit for years now and tbh it's just annoying af. I wish I had the energy to do shit for numerous days at a time but instead I have the energy to do shit one day at a time and thats it. Some days I have more energy than others and then other days I dont want to function or even exist. Its okay tho I won't always be like this. I can get this shit balanced out. It'll take time but of it's the last thing I do I'll do it.]][center [size10 on another note I'm making beef stroganoff tomorrow/today and if it ain't delicious my Russian ancestors are more than welcome to rise from their graves and beat the shit out of me.]]
I have to go to my favorite aunt's funeral Monday. She was a beautiful soul that did everything she could for anyone in need. She was involved with the schools here. She was selfless and she was a damn good mom. She helped my mom out a lot.
My mom is broken over this loss because this was the closest she had to a sister than her own siblings. Her actual sisters put her through hell and one even targeted my sister because she was envious that my sister isn't fucking stupid like my cousins are. My sister and I may not get along and I may not talk to her, but I love her and wish her more in life than a jealous aunt that made her feel like she was stupid, useless, and nothing more than a punching bag...
This aunt though... She will be missed and it just mystifies the whole family because her passing was just so sudden and no one knew anything was wrong with her. I don't thing she knew she had anything wrong with her.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.