[i All of my days off have at least one trip to the hospital plugged in somewhere.]
I thought this was all to make me better but it seems... counterproductive? Bloodwork and referrals for WEEKS, what if I just want the surgery NOW? Please. I can't take much more.
On a better note, I'm on the hunt for ferrets in need of good homes. My ferret needs a snuggle fuzz for when I'm working. I'll check the local pet stores but I'm sure I'll have better luck on Craigslist, people are always trying to chuck their poor fur babies at strangers there.
Then make some better fucking friends.
[#ffffff I swear. Bitches nowdays. Shieeeet.]
[size10 friends are never there when you actually need them.]
[size10 - Nin.]
[center [size10 Ya boy over here gonna try and change his life. And by that I mean I'm moving by the end of this month. I'll be free of this state. Wait have I posted about this yet? idk man. I'm just like hella stoked but also hella nervous. I also plan on working on some shit down like the creative avenue as well. I also plan on having a job up there, and try and gain an income and save up money. Get shit I need and get some shit I want and just try and all around get my life in order. Get my health in order too, see if all these creative outlets help me some and some of the other outlets I plan to try and get myself involved in. Honestly I know working is going to kill me but at the same time all I can do is preserve. This gonna be a new start, I ain't gonna let it go to waste, I'm leaving all these negative memories and this negativity in this state if I can fucking help it. Once that bus crosses that state line so much will be lifted off my shoulders it's not even funny. Best of all on the other end of that route is gonna be xephy. Also like to anyone who wanna talk shit about my mama y'all can fucking fight me, she's prolly done more for me than I can imagine, if it weren't for her I wouldn't be making it up there. Also like guys, Caleb is a beautiful meme soul, y'all should appreciate his presence i would fight all of you just to defend his honor.]][center [size10 also it gonna be sad when i leave cause r.i.p flary you best not fucking cry and bro better not either i'll fight both of y'all i aint ready for no sad ass shit I got shit to do. i'll take like 50 pictures and just send them to you whenever i got wifi. like i will spam anyone who is willing to take that abuse with my travel pictures if i got any yo. 100% play by play action shit maaaan]][center [size10 please shoot me i have not slept this is just incoherent ramblings prolly gonna wake up later judging myself]]
"Two days ago it was my birthday. I'm eighteen now, a young adult.. And how much I've changed, physical and mentally. Two months of working at my first job, and I got the piecings I've mostly wanted a couple years now, and I got my haircut. Plus new cloths and a book on wicca. I'm just going to say.. I feel better, now I'm not saying I'm cured from my depression and whatnot just saying that at this moment, I feel happy and confident in myself.. I haven't felt the urge to cry or to hide in my self-pity. And I can just say that I can state why I'm feeling."
"I didn't think I make this far.. I'm happy.."
Note to self [size7 ]
Making music if you aren't a musician is really fucking hard.
No amount of fancy software or online tutorials will show me how to suddenly make music that sounds anywhere close to decent.
I've got the tools, but no clue how to use them.
Let's see what I can do with FL Studio, time, some old FF music, and maybe a little bit help.
[size10 thanks for the reminder of how gross you are. and how much I dislike you.
you're barely worth these words I'm typing. But, me being me, I'm dumb and still care more than I should.
I'll do my damn best to change that though. Because you aren't someone that deserves my thoughts, whether they're based on likes or dislikes.
I'm salty af. I need angry music but blackpink has my heart right now.
ick. Probs just going to continue to be angry and play XIV.
I wish the rest of darlifra was on Funimation , but. Not yet.
Debating about just watching the sub. I mean, I don't mind, but the boyfriend is the picky one. Otherwise I would've finished the damn series by now.
[center [Pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/79082bd6852ae6e8bc61e7417b8d930e/tumblr_o772d7kDvb1snbyiqo1_r1_500.gif]]
[Center I have decided to let go.]
[Center For being with Greg for over a year now and trying to figure out why it isn’t the same. I’ve realized it’s cause I never let go of my past relationships or crushes. Yes I have gotten over them, but never let go. Due to the amount of closure I got from them all. But you know. I’ve decided I don’t care anymore. One said I didn’t tell them I wanted to be with them. Other one ditched me for an ex. The other just a massive womanizer. and.. with Greg. He is different from all of them. I don’t care what Baka, Prince or Wolfy are doing now. I will consider them as friends. But all the good lovey feels that gave me will die now. so that I may move on with Greg and make this work. Their claws will no longer be in me now. I finally found whom I have been waiting for. I will not let my past feelings pull me back down.]
[Center I deserve to be happy. And I won’t let my past bring me down.]
[size10 my girl made it into Dissidia. I'm happy, haha.
Now, just to wait and see if they put in Yuna or Tifa --
Wish I could have both. ;o
I need all my girls to be in Dissidia.
Got further in XIV. Still sad about Minfilia.
Wondering if I should play, or continue reading.
I kind of want to pull an all nighter , but that isn't good of me to do.
I don't have to justify my depression. I know why I'm sad, I don't have to share the dozens of reasons with you just to hear you cut me down at the knee. I'm hurting. I'm tired. All you do is make me cry on my very few days off work. It is a never ending cycle. The three of you need to run off together and leave me alone, because if you're not supporting me, then you're not my family. If you're not my family, I've got no other reason to speak to you. Please. I just want some time to myself.
[size10 not to be a piece of shit. but my IRL mate always cries about how lonely he feels - and i just don't give a shit.]
[size10 i guess i'm fortunate enough to not relate to the feeling - but i also don't know how to support.]
[size10 i just often end up seeming insincere or vague.]
[size10 idk, i'm just incredibly tired of his constant status of "Having a Pity Party" - i know it's hard to get out of slumps of depression, i've been there. i just don't get why i'm being such an apathetic piece of shit.]
[size10 - Nin.]
[size10 just popping in here to spread some more positivity from my day, I've had a smile on my face for most of today and it's honestly cause I've just been having fun talking to all my friends. like, haven't touched any games, paused this youtube video hours ago and just having fun talking. I'm so happy I didn't shy away from this discord server idea and I just have so much love and appreciation for these people that brighten my day.]
[size8 edit: caleb is a nerd pass it on]
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/cHplwI4.gif]]
[center [size10 this might just be some minor dramatics but maybe when I get my cake I'll just smash my face into it and attempt to smother myself in it until I die. 100/10 best birthday gift. Don't age past 21, kids.]]
your arms were so warm . your lips were so mind melting . but worst of all you made me feel so . . . good ? it made me feel so guilty , to enjoy it so much . that ' s how intoxicated you made me . probably what made it feel so great too . because i shouldn ' t have wanted it .
in the end it was just a fabrication . just like everything else in my love life . ha . . fabricated . you think someone loves you and they harm you .
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/F2gqnLz.gif]][center [size10 Okay so like today started like shit tbh. I went and bought the wrong fucking ticket to get out of this state, and then when i tried to refund it they wouldn't allow it. When I went to get my card to cancel the payment they said they needed an email saying the company would cancel the payment and not keep it, but the company said nah. I should still be able to get out of here long before THEY return, prolly leaving on my birthday, actually. I pretty much had a mental breakdown over this shit, but hopefully everything will turn out okay in the end.]][center [size10 In other news i didn't realized how late it was and how late i played eso with waifu but it was hella fun and i was able to level up my calico khajiit pretty damn well. Even got myself certified in Blacksmithing, clothing stuff, and woodmaking or whatever it's called. Gonna make Rinadindin some furniture over time for her house because honestly I am gonna try working on leveling up the trade since I've got writs and stuff I gotta do and shit so why not like go ahead and utilize it.]][center [size10 Also mom said she's down to take me to go see my father's grave prolly sometime next week so I can see him before I leave. I feel like it's something I need to do otherwise I'll kick myself.]]
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