I’m so happy.
Well, I’m not, but I am. It’s complicated, but I’ll do my best to explain it.
First, I truly am happy that Neon is FINALLY starting to feel like he’s getting somewhere with his life. I mean, I knew that he was capable of doing this from the start, but he needed to experience it for himself, and I knew he did. So, through the ups and the downs, I committed to helping him through in the only ways I knew how, just to make sure he’d be okay. I was kind of upset when I found out he’d relapsed and didn’t tell me, but not personally so. I’ve relapsed recently, too. I know how hard it is to tell someone. But even through all of that, he finally found a healthy coping mechanism. I know it won’t work all the time, but it’ll help, and I’m grateful he found it again. I’m grateful to my neighbors for being able to offer him a bed and a room of his own so he no longer has to waste his life living in my living room on the floor because I’m too broke to actually fucking afford a couch or an air mattress. I’m grateful for the small financial contributions he made while he was here; he paid my electric bill lmao. But I’m glad I was able to help him get here; I’m glad to know that he’ll be okay now. Even through the bad times. My best friend of nearly 11 years now is finally moving up with his life. I’m happy for you, Neon. [s even if I made the realization the other day that I’ve never addressed you by name before lmao.]
I’m also extremely grateful for Elena. That girl has been my rock for the past 2.5 years, and I’m so happy she wants to continue to be my friend. She was genuine from the start; she never said anything that I didn’t need to hear. Elena’s never lied to me. When I was getting fucked over by Crabtree [s oh, I’m sorry, she married her cheater of a boyfriend on the 3rd anniversary of my best friend’s death], she told me to buck up and face it. It wasn’t easy, but she helped me create a game plan to get my life back in order. She gave me a fucking $25 gift card so I could buy food because Crabtree and her friends would eat all of it without contributing to the expenses at all. When my rent was $1100 a month, food was $300 a month, and electric/internet ended up at $150 a month, and all I made was $1700 at the time, it was easy to lose track of funds and not be able to feed myself. I made sure the pets were fed. And when I finally got out of that situation, life became so much easier for me. Elena was the one to thank for that. And even today, when I ran out of money and had little to no food in the house, she brought me over some sweet potato soup and lasagna she’d made. She’s fucking fantastic; I don’t know what I’d do without her. Elena, thank you so fucking much. You’ve made my miserable existence less miserable just by being my friend.
But even with all of this, I still feel incomplete. I still just… don’t want to exist. Why? Why does it have to be like this? It’s just… I have these good things; a decent job, great friends, a cat who loves me no matter what… But every time I try to smile, to be happy, I just end up remembering that I’m worth nothing. That I’m just here to exist. I don’t deserve happiness, so why should I accept it? Why does Elena do what she does for me, when I can hardly do anything in return? Why did Neon put up with a shitty living situation for so long? Why does Binx love me so much? I deserved to have my heart broken, I deserve every scar I have on my skin. I deserve to feel pain and suffering…
I don’t want to think like this anymore, but it’s so hard. It’s so fucking hard.
I just hope I can bring myself out of it.
I can remember sneaking into my older brother's room to read the Marvel comics he had and when I had trouble with some words, my brother would help me read them.
I remember having a Marvel movie marathon while I was in the hospital for two days and the nurses would stay and watch them with for a minute or two so I wouldn't be so alone when my mom went home to shower or eat.
Rest in peace Stanlee and godspeed. You're with the other legends. May you live on through your work and may Marvel reach the hearts of many other generations to come.
[Center Mother fucking Stan Lee died today.
Life wont be the same without you,
Ya white fucking game changer.
You beautiful spirit you.
We all knew you weren't doing good,
We just didn't wanna believe it.
You created something amazing.
I'm glad you got to see it come this far.
Rest in peace, homie.
I’m 24 and legitimately excited for a live action Pokemon movie.
N U L L I
[Size10 [center Good luck on your first day, baby. Papa's proud of you. Knock their socks off.]]
My sister had surgery today. She's okay. I'm just worried about her recovery and she's so loopy right now and getting mad because she can't eat Mexican food right now.
[Center [size12 "Conversational Narcissism" ]
[size7 This actually isn't about it, it just sounds cool. ]
[size11 Today is heavier than I imagined.
My demons are really throttling me full speed
With the lies and the faking.
How do I tell if my life's worth saving? ]
I was able to talk my boy's family into good terms.
I'm so happy. It only took two drinks from me.
And my gott bloody Mary's at this joint is the f u c k i n g shit sticks.
Didnt even taste the vodka. Which is DANGEROUS.
Delicious. Just wish they'd thrown in a sausage. Ugh
Makes my mouth water.
The discord server I set up is doing pretty well. With or without me.
Which is great! Because I don't have the tools to run this by myself.
I just have to learn to let things go.
Which I can do when it comes to stupid things here.
I just need to learn when it comes to stupid people...
I have to work with lmao.
Carrying other people's weight is frustrating but hey.
I'll just let em sink. I'm in drive anyways.
I'm excited about this tattoo! It's good late birthday treat to myself .
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktpr-HxGJ0E ]
[Kodchasan [Center I want to say thank you for the venom.
At this point, I'm immune to people.
[center [size10 When someone made a huge deal to your general manager about how they [i [size10 needed]] to switch shifts with you because they didn't have a babysitter for a shift and he agreed and you agreed and you worked your end of the trade only for that person to call in on the day of the shift they were supposed to work because they "didn't have a babysitter" and they wind up fired. She's lucky they found someone to cover my shift because if I had been called in on my day off that was spent buying stuff and then doing laundry during the time I was supposed to work that day I would have been pissed. Though to be honest I'm still irked by it because I had the fucking feeling that she would do some shit like this. She messaged me that day on facebook and I was so glad to see it just said "hey" but now thinking about it I think she messaged me just to see if I would come in on that day. Jokes on you, girly, I ain't going to work your day and my day. Yeah the extra hours would have been nice considering I'm only scheduled for 31 hours this week, but I trusted you to hold up your end and look where it got us, me still having my job and you fired and a risk of being homeless. The best part? She said while the gm is away on vacation to assistant manager is going to be cleaning house. She told me the list she heard and two of them I can buy into, the third? Nope, sorry I know you wanna spread some rumors and shit but matt has already been told by the assistant manager himself that if he was going to be fired they would warn him. But the best part is that I've heard her boyfriend is at risk of being fired as well.]][center [size10 Also love how I'm being told that I'm not allowed to hook up with someone just because they're her supposed ex. Like honey who I hook up with is none of your business and on top of that I could give a shit less if it would be crossing a boundary to you, not like there is any chance me and him will ever hook up considering he's not even interested in that shit to begin with, nor would I believe he'd be interested in that with me. Bad enough there's a rumor going around work that me and him are dating and shit. How long will that rumor last before it turns into him dating someone else? Who fucking knows but god damn man, you need to chill the fuck out and stop being jealous over someone when you already have a boyfriend and a kid with him with another on the way.]]
[center [size10 In less "dramatic" news I have a new "home" and it's pretty nice not going to lie, definitely will say I miss Xephy and that I did enjoy the time that I stayed there because they're one of my favorite people on this earth and I hope that they do okay because I will damn sure try to do my best so they don't have to worry about me. I've found a new outlet for coping with certain shit that is way healthier than what I was doing before. Matt is happy as well, and that makes me feel better about my choices. To be honest shit is good right now outside of the petty drama and shit at work, which honestly is a huge mess, we have a new girl who is taking offense to a lot of shit that I pretty much just brush off because I'm used to the kind of people there, yeah I still want to find a different job or even like a part time one especially if they do wind up cutting my hours on me as winter comes along, having below 30 hours would suck especially with me paying $250 a month, though the rent could be worse considering I've looked around and seen how high rent for one bedrooms alone can actually be. Yeah the new roommates can be chaotic and yes I did stay up until god knows when last night talking to Kenny when I most definitely should have went to bed early but I still managed to wake up and go to work and make it through my 8 and a half hour shift. Was I high during like 90% of that shift? Yes. Did I still manage to get all my shit done? Hell fucking yes. Was I acting like I was on some form of speed? Yep. But regardless, it doesn't seem like shit is that bad right now. Hopefully it gets even better and hopefully I can get some shit set aside along with rent since we have Kenny who helps buy food so that I have maybe get tabitha up here as well as upgrade to a newer laptop since Inertia is honestly on his last leg right now despite how sad that is. You were good while you lasted my boy, and I appreciate the time I've had with him. I'll miss him when I do upgrade but what can ya do.]]
[center [size10 Also I just wanna give a big i love you to Suga and Xephy. With out them I wouldn't be where I am and I would prolly be in florida still worrying about where I'd be winding up. So like thank you guys, you mean a lot to me and I appreciate y'all even if I don't say much. Xephy let me stay with them even if I could only manage to give them $50 a week, but I know it helped at least. I'm only across the hall though so if they ever need me or want to make sure I'm doing okay they know exactly where I am unless I'm at work or running around town or some shit. Xephy didn't have to take me in, Xephy could have been upset when it took a while to find a job and when I got fired from mcdicks, but they didn't, they believed in me even when I was getting frustrated and upset, and now I have a job and it's not perfect, but some of the people make it worthwhile, and honestly it's so nice that they're attempting to cross train me now so I won't just be stuck on front counter. They put me on presenter for drive thru today and I was all up in the chaos with Carrie and Destinee and it was nice. I was trying to help as much as possible since currently I only really know the kfc side. I know how to make like two things on the taco bell side but I'm sure as time goes on I'll learn more. Also on one note, I adore Carrie, I couldn't make it through the week if I didn't get my weekends closing with her. I love it. I never have to do 50 million things or ask her if she needs me to do something else because I already know things I can do that she'll appreciate me doing after we've closed and I've finished my lobby. I didn't even have to ask her tonight if she needed me for anything else, she basically just told me at one point I could leave whenever I was ready. Honestly I'm so thankful to be out of that state, since I've been up here it's been a lot of positives. Yes I've recently had some really bad lows, and have went back to some bad habits but I know that happens, relapses definitely are something you can't escape, and it doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you've failed it happens to the best of us and all we can do is try and dig ourselves out of them.]]
Y’all have no idea how much I envy the people who only have seasonal depression.
Not in a weird way. All depression sucks and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, but I’d love to only have the thoughts and feelings I have during a set time of the year.
It’s so hard to remain active and upright when everything in my head tells me to slow down and quit. It’s so hard to pretend I’m positive and outgoing when all I am is small, fragile, and introverted. I hide when things get too tough. I cry when I’ve had enough, even when it wouldn’t be a big deal to someone else. I scream when I have no more strings to pull, because I just don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s all so hard. So hard.
It’s stupid. My life, from an outsider’s view, isn’t even that fucking bad. I have a full-time job, I just quit the job that was haunting my soul, and I have a few very good friends who I wouldn’t trade for the world. I rescued Neon from the pits of hell that is Florida and have given him a place to stay, and even guided him into having a room and a home of his very own. I help my best friend keep her inner peace every day. I have another best friend who puts up with all the bullshit I throw her way, and she just helps me through it.
What is so fucking bad that I cannot be happy, no matter how hard I try? Why is it never good enough?
Why am I never good enough?
[Center [size10 Getting tired of seeing peoples usernames being zodiacs that aren't their zodiacs or mental issues that aren't their issues. Spoken from a man who is actually a psychopathic end of the antisocial personality disorder and who also probably has narcissistic personality disorder to boot, real fucking sad to see edgy teens acting like they even begin to know what that shit is even about. Pathetic really. Oh well. Some people should go back to tumblr.
Hello ES, I'm back~]]
[center [size14 [font "Courier New" [#696969 •☆•]]]] [i [size8 [font "Courier New" [#696969 "I have someone I love? What??? I have a guy whom actually wants to be with me, and I want to be with him. We're in a relationship, and he makes my heart forget the heart ache. Okay maybe I'm being to direct or anti-climatic about this scenario. But I don't know what he does to me. He is very respectful about my boundaries, and the same goes for me on his part. He finally asked me out on October 28th, he took me to lunch and then took me to a book store and then we just sat in his car talking. We love to talk, and I think that's wonderful in a relationship. Communication is the key. Granted, he's not the type of person to open up very easily, but he said in time he will. And I can't wait for that moment, because I will be there with open arms like he has been multiple times throughout most of my panic attacks."
"There was one night he didn't want to leave me alone, because I just started crying and I couldn't stop. He made slight jokes and cuddled me through the night before he had to go home. Two years and I found someone who actually makes me feel like a person not an object. Did I also mentioned, but he's also respectful about my gender dysphoria. He said if we're still together when I start doing testosterone, he would still love me. I couldnt believe the words that came out of his mouth, I miss him right now. But we can only call each other at the moment. But that's enough. I just want to hold him, and kiss him. He wants to teach me to make-out, and I'm a little to shy for that but I guess I'll learn.."
"He is so sweet, caring, thoughtful, romantic, sweet, and not to mention he is a big cheese ball. He's interested in going into the Air Force, I am very respectful of his wants of being part of that. His answer for the reason he wanted to go was adorable, "I just feel like I need to give something back to this country." Ugh, DeAndre you do not know what you do to me, you make me feel loved. And ugh, I'm getting teary. That's all I wanted to say. I'm happy."
[Center [youtube https://youtu.be/AqqyENqRY-4]]
Why am I just learning Grandpa was sick too?
Had they tried to tell me? Am I that busy lately?
He's going to see his family. His side I hope I can tell him bye like I got for grandma at least.
He's sad losing her too so he hasnt taken care of himself.
Poor mom too.
Mid 60s everyone tells me that is too young too go.
It is.. I hope my mom lives past 70.
Aunt lovey is in her 80s she lost her little sister so much sooner than she expected.
It feels so unfair they go so soon so fast. So much faster than we all expected.
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