First entry, don’t really know how to write these, I’m pretty shitty at expressing myself.
Here goes nothin’
I just feel kinda empty. Not like, hungry or upset or anything. Just that [i EMPTY] feeling inside me where I’ve no purpose and I’ve no sense of where I’m going in life. I mean, shits going really well, I have a decent job, a nice car, a nice apartment with little bills to pay, what’s up with me?
I know what’s up but I just can’t snap out of it and focus on bettering myself. I want someone in my life that’s significant to me.
Things are so great right now, I'm just wondering how long it's going to last.
Not that I'm complaining. <3
Neon's a lil bitch.
But Binx is too. Bwahahah.
I'm a terrible person, that's just it. All I do is make it look bad for myself. I'm always playing "victim" and I'm a "fucking liar." Welp..
i guess what i really wanted was to be anyone but me . i love you but goddammit i ' m so tired . i hope you are not disappointed with me .
i can ' t love myself . but i hope with every passing day you see why i care about you .
i should stop rambling . i ' m so dumb when it comes to my feelings . work has me so drained . so for the lack of brain and better words , i ' m sorry .
[size10 well . I start Tuesday lol. Guess there's no point win wondering if I got the job. ;o definitely have it. It'll be fun. I'm nervous, because it's a new job and I'm not familiar with anyone. nerves nerves nerves. I'm happy about it though. I get to make money again !
I'm not sure what I'm getting paid , but honestly? Even if I was being paid minimum wage, it'd be ok. Because I'm just excited to work again.]
[center [size10 [+white ...]]] [center [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lii3OEDCirQ]] [center [size10 ✧･ﾟ:+ ≺ no tears left to cry ≻*✧･ﾟ｡ ]][center [size7 [+white ...]]]
Leave it to me to fuck everything up for everyone. I'll do what's best and remove myself from the situation.
[center [size10 [+mediumaquamarine What can I truly say?
Well, life has spun itself around for me.
I’ve started, now almost finished, [i Once Upon A Time].
I’m terribly obsessed with it now.
Not sure if that is good or bad, but it has brought a lot of light into my life.
Made me see my mistakes more clearly.
Changing me into a better person.
Into the person I used to be before all the drama in my life occurred.
Becoming a true Disney Princess at heart like I always thought I was.
Learning more and more about myself every day.
It feels liberating, to say the least.
I felt constrained before and now I feel free.
It makes me feel euphoric, in a sense.
I don’t feel like death is an option anymore.
Like that’s not the solution to my problems.
I’m becoming more optimistic is my desires.
That even if things don’t go my way, I can solve it in a more optimistic way than in a negative manner.
And that’s probably a lot healthier than what I was doing.
I can’t change my past and I’m not sure if I should say I would want to.
Changing my past could make things worse.
Everything has an outcome, good or bad.
It is what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference.
I still have depression, it’s not something that just goes away, but I am happier.
I’m in a really good place in my life.
Like a really good place and I’m not going to go back to where I was before.
I was unstable in my mind and that was terrible.
I hurt people I said I cared for.
I do still care for these people but I didn’t show it very well before.
I don’t hate anyone anymore because hate is just unnecessary.
If I don’t like someone, I’ll move on from them.
I’ll be the bigger person finally.
Not letting things get the best of me.
Living my best life.
Watching anime and live activity shows.
Listening to Emo and pop music.
Wearing what I like.
Exercising every chance I can.
Finishing school finally.
Learning how to do make up or make cosplay outfits, because I want to.
Doing the things I want.
And if I find love in the process of all of this, then I need to remember the most important factor of everything.
Recently, she got hurt, hurt bad.
I should say she’s had quite an experience at her summer day camp.
Last week she got stung by, not one, but two bees, right next to each other.
It was the first time that ever happened to her and I was terrified because they said she might be having an allergic reaction.
Thank goodness she didn’t.
I literally cried at work because I was scared she did.
It runs in my family and on her donors side too.
So it was a possibility.
But thankfully, she was okay.
Secondly, just this week, she fell at her summer day camp.
That worried me too.
She fell and hit her face in a chair because she was running and tripped.
There was a lot of blood coming from her mouth.
I had to leave work and take her to th hospital.
I was lucky that nothing worse happened to her.
So very thankful for that.
I’m not sure what I would do if something much more terrible happened to her.
She’s a tough six year old, but she’s still my baby.
Like really my baby.
But she’s okay.
I thank God for that too.
Stuff like that wakes me up and makes me realize that I need to do better.
For her sake.
So anyone I end up with in the future had no choice.
I’m a package deal.
And we’re a pretty good package.
I know a lot of people on hear know what I did a few months back.
But I don’t regret doing it.
Because I realized something.
I made the first mistake long ago, in the beginning by having her call this person her dad.
When it was something I should have honestly waited until I knew it was truly a serious thing.
That is my fault for doing that.
I regret hurting though.
But I had to do what I thought was right.
At the time, what I thought was right.
I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life, but I’m not perfect, nor claim to be.
I’m merely human.
I make mistakes.
To err is human, they say.
So I make mistakes and I learn from them.
I move on and live with those mistakes, but I take something from them.
In this case, I take the lesson of making sure the next man I let my daughter call father, that he is committed to me and her.
Not looking for a fling.
That I wait for a long while until, she calls him her dad.
I’m not trying to hurt her again.
I probably hurt the other party in it to, but I shouldn’t have put a heavy burden on you when you were not ready.
For that I am sorry.
I believe I am done ranting.
Getting things off my chest.
Thank you to any who read this.
Remember you are beautiful and loved.
And deserve a happy ending.
[center [size10 I feel like the past couple days we're hectic cause of the bus trip but at the end of the day it was worth it. I feel whole oddly. I don't feel weighed down anymore I feel only free. It's nice here, calming. I don't miss anything. A few people? Duh. But I can still talk to them so it's not a loss.]][center [size10 moral of the story, sometimes doing something scary is worthwhile in the end.]]
[center [size8 This is the first time I'll be going up to my family cottage ever since I was there 2 and a half years ago.. before I up and left to go to rehab. I'm so nervous. I don't know what the weekend will hold. My dad is an alcoholic, my sister smokes weed , her boyfriend and my boyfriend are all going up and I'm scared to see what's going to happen. My father can get pretty mean, but he's told me he's going to be on his best behaviour. I don't know know what my sister is going to do, but I think if I need to, I'll just use my vape and try and deal with my cravings as much as possible. I'm bringing lots to do so I can keep myself busy. I hope this weekend is a good weekend and doesn't go south the last minute. I'm looking forward to driving the boat and riding on the ATV my dad has. I can't wait to see my family as well. They haven't seen much of me because I've been trying to focus on myself. Well here's to a great weekend. I hope everyone is able to be safe and have a great weekend! <3]]
Yeah, I really don't care. You rubbed your pregnancy in my face. I don't care. You sat and poked fun at my ED. I don't care. Tried to fit in with my family by spilling shit about my sister. Shit that we have already sorted out. By we I mean my grandpa, me and my mom. Yeah, no, that isn't cool, especially after all the crap you told me and my mom. Like, how you hhoped the baby was a boy so your dad forgets all about my actual cousin's, as you called them "stupid little Mexican", babies. That you hoped your dad would spoil your baby and leave those two behind. Should I tell them that? No, and I won't tell that either. So when someone told you went into labour yesterday. I didn't and still do not care. You're only in this family by marriage and you're on the side of the family no one really gives a fuck about anymore. I'm just done with you and I have been since last year.
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkttNgJn430]]
[center [i Big Fanboy rant coming in.]]
[center [i I'm probably going to put this in my journal. So I'm a big Tales of fan I admit I haven't played as many as I'd like.]]
[center [b Tales of Vesperia
[center [b Tales of Xillia]]
[center [b Tales of Xillia 2]]
[center [b Tales of Beseria]]
[center [b Seen tons of stuff with Symphonia and Abyss and Graces oh god I wanna play Graces. I watched the openings the Symphonia Anime and Zeteria's movie and it's anime soon.]]
[center [i So Beseria and Zeteria share a world I played Beseria first but watched the Zeteria movie. I loved Alishia she drew me into this world the earnest and hard working Alishia.]]
[center [i The game sells you on humans and spirits being able to do this cool badass fusion call armataization. However her story? She has low Resonance she can't even really percieve these spirits or Seraphim or whatever. Zesteria is a super upbeat happy justice light kinda game. While Beseria it's prequeal was the darkest in the series and sheds some harsh truths of the world where we were shown to be a "happy one"]]
[center [i I'm word vomiting and butchering it here cause Beseria does have light moments and Zesteria does have hard moments. Alishia tries so hard to change the world she was a figure head at first a princess with no power. She became a knight to change the world with her own two hands despite being told only a hero with strong resonance could do so. Like the hero the Shepard.]]
[center [i She trained and studied and gave it her best and despite her low resonance and lack of using magic she became a powerful fighter in her own right. She can't ever fuse but her playstyle in the game? Has so much heart she fights hard with quick and heavy attacks. I love her character design she drew me into this world more than Sorey or any other character anymore.]]
[center [i Her playstyle with the spear? Looks fun as fuck! Her design whether she is being strong or when she lets her guard down? The frailty of her face when she lets her hair down. When she was afraid to give Sorey her real name despite the honor and respect she was taught to give other people? She's so strong and yet filled with so many inner contradictions. She was really advertised as the heroine of this game and she seemed like a great choice for this game. Her and Sorey propped each other up and the movie shows him meeting her. She was the first other human he met as Spirits raised him. ]]
[center [i Sounds cool right?!]]
[center [h3 Meltdown Motherfuckers]]
[center [i Well fuckkkk noooo you have her in the party and she's tough and tanky and yet? The hardest fucker to play that sounds cool right? NOPE TEN HOURS IN THE GAME. You get to know her from the movie and the opening.]]
[center [i She]]
[center [i Leaves]]
[center [i The]]
[center [i Party]]
[center [i I mean for fucking good not for a little bit. Why advertise her as the heroine?! I'm not the only upset here! In Beseria they added Eleaner to replace Alishia and I like Elanear but oh fuck no. Elenear is just a little more... Upfront about her personal weakness she's crying about the hardship of the world when you first meet her. The main character Velvet belittles her calling her crybaby exorcist I like Elenear but her conviction seemed a little weaker.]]
[center [i Don't get me wrong I loved Alishia's weakness's I loved you'd never guess she was so vulnerable and afraid. Alishia was subtle like a Radiant Whisper it's hard to explain. ]]
[center [i My grammar and spelling is shit here and Idc I'm just nonstop typing oh fuck.]]
[center [i Alishia comes back for thirty minutes in the game fun. They fucked her so hard they tried to fix her! In the Anime and the Manga.]]
[center [i In the Anime they made Soreys resonance connect with hers. She in the game had to count on him to be the ultimate hero to fuck shit up. I mean not entirely true she does her own thing in the side to help the kingdom but in the Anime? They buff her resonance... Her flaw why she couldn't become the shepherd herself. They gave her fusion and her resonance gets on his par. Even give the two some weird ass sacred connection. Her character arc doesn't make sense like that though!]]
[center [i I like more screentime with her but they make her more badass to fix her what?! They even change a scene where she faced her problems foolishly head on with her spear. With her having troops on the side she had to learn these things through loss and hardship... She wasn't a tactical badass who was on par with the shepard on resonance AND gets all the physical strengh from her "hardship" what hardship did she go through to get that strong if she's a tactical genius and has fusion seriously? She wouldn't be that strong if life was that easy for her.]]
[center [i I shipped her and Sorey together to thus the video its from the anime. It's animated by the same studio that did Fate Zero so if you enjoyed that pretty Anime you may like it. You don't need to play the game to watch it.]]
[center [i The Anime does it's own adaptation honestly and I like the Anime, to be honest but... Rip my Alishia this is where I leave your grave my sweet.]]
[size10 I keep pushing myself to be creative. I have to in order to not be so slothful. My only wish is to have the materials I need.
Alas, I'll stick to writing stories.
I hope all of my friends are having good days. You all deserve it. ♡
[Center [size10 I'm glad everyone had a good laugh knowing what they know. And my my, how much they underestimate me. Still, at the very least it's good to see how sick with fear Sage was. I'm no less confused than I was at the start but if all that is just fun and games for everyone else, then I [i will] force myself to fucking shut it down. One person I couldn't handle losing, my ass. I will not let one person have so much control over me. But y'know.. Rami's offer was rather tempting. Being without three troublesome people and being on my own again? It's a very persuasive thought.]]
AWA may be possible. Ugh, I'm not getting my hopes up. Though, SPYAIR is going to be there. My friend said I may be able to share a room with her. Fingers crossed.
Edit: I'm so shakey from lack of medication.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.