[Center [size10 Fuck, 2 Grandmaster solitaire matches won almost back to back, one flub game between them. Feels fucking great especially when at times I go like over 10 matches that turn out unsolvable.
Also musing to myself about how infrequently I've been posting in here lately. Honestly been way too distracted with Caleb to bother with es shit as much. If I'm remembering correctly, I dont think there's been a single day we haven't talked since we started being this close. And I'm still not tired of him. Which is great cause usually always get tired of people if I spend too much time with them. But he's just too chill to get fed up with. It feels odd for me to form this kind of bond as I'm not used to having a reciprocating obsession. Much less an obsession that I don't have the urge to kill in the most loving of ways. With him it's just- nah he keeps me too chill to want that. He has this sort of calming effect on me. I'm usually the type to always have my claws out ready to attack, but with him I've been able to retract them enough to enjoy shit I couldn't before. The claws are still there for sure, he hasn't all out tamed me. Just helped me have something else to focus on so I'm not always ready to pounce on the nearest thing that moves. It's different from how I'd normally do things and when I'm outside of what's normal for me I usually have the flight response. But not this time. Feels fucking great.
I guess the only thing left to say is, don't get me and Caleb's relationship wrong. He 100% is mine now. Like in the most legit of ways. Setka's been amazing enough to condone this weird thing Caleb and I have. Thank fuck cause I'm not the monogamous type, I've just never been in a situation where I've been fully committed before Setka so I've never had to have more partners. Too non committal. But now that I'm stuck with Setka my urge to not be tied down is sorta fixed with Caleb. Of course that's only tying me down more but- honestly? Caleb and Setka both blend so fucking well with me and they both do so well together. So it doesn't really matter to me.
So yeah, what it looks like between Caleb and I? It absolutely is. He is mine. Get fucked Colleen.]]
[center [size10 if I could stop losing shit that would be great. Also like I guess I'm not dying so that cool but I do have a vitamin b deficiency so lol rad. Slight anemia and high platelet count. Bunch of other bullshit. He covered another shift of mine again I honestly don't deserve him if I'm being honest. I hugged him at least like 3 times and kept thanking him. He kept saying it was fine and at one point papped me on the head and said to not worry and just rest and feel better. Something as simple as that made me wander into my little drive thru corner and cry because Jesus fucking everything screams to stay away from what everyone keeps saying about him but despite his "asshole" tendencies he has his moments and its the small shit that no one would think anything of. Basic human kindness of guess. He's literally the only person that I can 100% do give and take with work wise because I know it'll be evened out basically. Everyone else kind of just wants to me cover their shifts and I get nothing in return but he covers my shifts and gets my hours and then I help him with his closing stuff when he's cook and bring him energy drinks. Covering my shifts isn't thankless for him at all.]][center [size10 long story short please put me out of this misery I hate him but can't stay away from him no matter how hard I try. I just gravitate to him and its not just because we work together because I don't even talk to anyone else as much as I talk to him.]]
[size12 I'm not the greatest at expressing my emotions when they count. Never have been. I equally spend too much time chasing my own tail. Thus my relationships fall towards the wayside. However, and somehow, I'm feelings rather decent today. So I was wondering if I could be brass for once, and say something that's beyond me.]
[size12 I miss you.]
[size7 You probably know who you are.]
I am through the roof happy right now! I'm done with everything and can finally get my diploma. ♥♥♥ If I knew how to backflips I'd be doing them lol but I'll settle on dancing. I'm also really happy I ended up with a 94/1oo on my last course! Which means I ended up raising my GPA higher! ^.^
Even though I'm happy I do also have butterflies in my stomach but the good kind. ^.^
[center [size10 I no longer feel guilty after today. Seeing a man who is usually smart ass remarks and jokes get livid over shit that should have already been worked on is one thing. It's another seeing him try not to cry when he talks about personal shit. Like his voice was legit cracking and everything. His one ex warned me not to get too close to him because he's trouble. Like no shit but maybe have warned me when me and him first started talking not when me and him are legit hanging out before and after work every chance we get??? Also it might be a little too late when he's officially offered to let me move with him to get a job on a dairy farm with him so I don't have to stay at this place with out him around. Yeah sorry you're a little too late to be warning me away. Emotionally invested in his company and too worried about his well-being to just walk away now.]]
[center [size10 I may be doing questionable shit but like tbh at least I still do my job right and don't ask for help even if I don't really wanna be here anymore.]]
[+gray [size10 What a depressing day today seem to be. Even the colors have seem to faded to a dull grey...
I just heard my Aunt has to put her dog down. Her dog is up there in age but I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I still miss my cat. It's been quiet some time now. I'd do anything if I could just hold my cat again or hear him meowing at me. I know my aunt probably feelings or is thinking the same. I know how much her dogs mean to her. As they all say things will get better with time...Everything will once again be full of color...]
[center [size10 I'm doing the presumptuous thing of assuming a certain post is about me, but again, it's only cause the shoe fits. So under the assumption that the post [u was] about me, here we go. Yes I could come to you directly to ask about the thing I saw, but see civil or not, I have no desire to talk to you. I can be civil. But if I don't want to talk to you, I wont. Simple as that. So if I already occasionally chat with your friend and they'd probably know the answer to my question, then I have no reason to go through someone I don't want to talk to.
Sad thing is, it was a simple question, wasn't like I came at her aggressively, ready to fight you over it all. My only interest went as far as a very mild curiosity and ended just as fast. I asked a question pretty relaxed like and then she gave me an answer and I moved on to something else. It wasn't her having to deal with your problems or issues it was literally a tiny back and forth conversation about it before I moved on about something else. It really isn't as big of a thing as that.
But I mean, to each their own. If something is bigger to you than it was to me then that's your problem. If she didn't want me coming to her about your stuff then she can tell me, and she DID suggest I ask you. But aside from the initial curiosity that had me ask her the once, I didn't much care about any of it enough after that to ask you cause I had already gotten my answer. She's a grown up, she can handle me on her own.
In fact, that's why I give her the time of day during the occasional times we message each other. Cause she CAN handle me. So I respect that. She doesn't need protecting or rerouting for a simple question and if she doesn't want it. She can tell me. End of story. Take it or leave it, I guess.]]
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/NXOpcs5.jpg]][center [size10 Contrary to what anyone says I am NOT sucking anyone's dick [s [size10 yet]]]][center [size10 No but seriously I need to fucking chill. Like I know better than fucking with this shit, I can't have him and I shouldn't want him. I know I haven't known him that long and most of this is prolly lust but still it fucks with me cause like in most cases when other people would do this kind of shit I would prolly judge tf out of them cause it's fucked up? Do I try to justify it? Sure. "If something happens it's not like it's his first time or like his marriage isn't already rocky" like anything like that with him would bring A LOT of baggage including two kids, and other shit. And like yeah, Kamile's right if he's cheated already twice, and if some shit happened between us then yeah he could do the same to me, but hey I'm a pro at 100% ignoring all red flags, especially the biggest one flashing in front of my face since he talks about his wife a lot. Even today when we were hanging out before work just fucking with each other he mentioned her and was talking about when they first met face to face, and like tbh I like when he talks about his wife like that and not when he's talking about the bad shit they've gone through.]]
[center [size10 Fuck I love when he talks about his kids too, and how he reacts when he sees kids in general, and yet here we fucking are, trying to fuck shit up for him more than it already is, but hey, what's the chances anything would actually happen??? Just set me and him on fire please and thank. I need to not be around him but it's hard when you work with him and also just gravitate to his dumb ass. Why is he like this? Why am I like this?]][center [size10 Dumb ass won't even put me out of my fucking misery smh]]
[center [size14 [font "Courier New" [#696969 •☆•]]]] [i [size8 [font "Courier New" [#696969
"I miss home bubba, and I miss our family.. But I know we can't glue it back together."
"I honestly get this feeling once in awhile, where I don't feel like I belong, I've felt this multiple times in my life. But, this one hits me hard, I can't get the thought of that house ever being temporary.. It once was a safe haven, but it was tainted with childish actions in the air, the crying and screaming got louder, my brain couldn't register that house being my home anymore. But I need to think of the good times? I learned in that house, I learned that I didn't need a mom to be loved. I need to thank my grandmother for that.. I'm not ready for this October.. I can't believe, I can't even fathom the fact that she is gone and for good.."
"Are you watching me? I haven't broken yet, and I got a job and I'm on my way of getting a car and working hard to be like you.. I'm okay-ish for now nana.. I'm so sorry for crying, I can't help it. I just miss all of it, but I know it's to late to turn the lights back on.. They probably already painted over my five-year-old graffiti. Already ripped up of the carpet & boards.. Put in new furniture and new pictures. The memories are there, but the people who live there now don't even know the story of the holes in the walls.."
"People tell me, home is where your heart is, but I still feel alone.."
"I've been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of months. I never really liked the saying: "if you don't love yourself, you can't love somebody else". I think it's bullshit. You can definitely love people with all your heart and soul, without loving yorself. I have loved people so much it hurt and I never even liked myself. The problem lies somewhere else. YOU CAN'T LET SOMEONE ELSE LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF. What do I mean? I mean you put yourself down so much, that the single thought of somebody truly liking you seems impossible. Every flirt seems like a joke. You push people you love away, because you think they can't possibly really like you. If they knew the real you, they would never love you. You sabotage your relationships and end up alone again and again. Some people are able to make it though and I envy those people, they're the ones that are lucky.."
"I'm not fighting any mental illness, I'm fighting myself for myself to return.. You just can't be happy all the time, you got to cope with and I know it hurts realy bad, but it's gonna be okay.. Somewhat."
[Center [youtube https://youtu.be/eweGO-8OCHo]]
My mind is always so heavy; thank you for being there to shoulder my burdens.
I'm heartbroken. Devastated... There was nothing they could do for her. We had to put her down. I didn't get to have a last day with her... Rest in peace Bama Baby... May the Rainbow bridge treat you kind and may you have all the treats you could ever ask for. It was a good life you lived. I first got to become your friend when I was eighth grade until today. I love you. I will miss you much. You were the best dog I've ever met and got to know.
[center [size10 fun fact I have told people irl that I'm trans simply by saying "I identify as male and this is the name I prefer to go by" And it doesn't complicate things as much as me just saying I'm trans does because then you have to explain "are you a male or female then? Do you wanna be a dude or a chick???" It honestly saves me from all the annoying shit that I ain't got time for. Cut out the middle man, kids, just tell people what you identify as.]]
[center [size10 on another note lately it has come to my attention from different sources that I may not eat as often or as well as I should. It's also come to my attention that my reaction to a normal bodily function, in this case eating, isn't normal. When I get hungry I kind of just get annoyed and tell my stomach to fuck off cause we "just ate" 5 hours prior and it's just being a brat. Then I wonder why tf I have almost passed out at work at least 2-3 times now. Oops my bad. I swear that's not sarcasm I just know how to properly human and feed myself more than once a day 95% of the time. I need an adultier adult.]]
[center [size10 I'm just- what is happening to the world that now transgender is it's own gender? I get it, you can be proud to be trans. But typically someone trans wants people to see them as the gender they're wanting to be instead of ONLY being seen as a transgender person. They want to be seen as what they are now, not a constant state of in between one and another. I mean really, setting your gender as transgender instead of even FtM or MtF?? Transgenders WANT to be called the pronouns that they feel so why would someone ACTUALLY transgender not just PUT the gender they want to be called as. Saying your gender is trans gives NO fucking clue to people what you want to be seen as gender wise. Especially considering how much some males can act and appear feminine and some women can act and appear masculine. But I'm sure these people would be the type to jump down your throat if you tried to guess their gender based on appearance/the way they sound/the way they act and got it wrong even DESPITE leaving out the one thing that would leave no doubt to what you would be called. ACTUALLY PUTTING THE FUCKING GENDER YOU WANNA BE.
Fucking bitches and their fucking badge of honor trying to be special snowflakes making god damn sure everyone knows they're transgender. Fuck. Most trans people don't have to fucking put it out there for everyone to know cause they want to be seen as the gender they aren't. Just seen as a normal fucking person, not a god damn special snowflake ass spectacle.
Okay I'm good now, Imma go play league with the peeps now that they've dealt with hearing my angry typing enough kek]]
My boy robbie always singing my sole. Even before I knew it. Pls release more albums. I just feel on the brink of it all. Staring down at the street lights and traffic. But instead I'm in a small village in the woods. With the fireflies pleading for summer to never end. I feel something has died this summer. I can't pin point it.
Well, that's sad... I hope Miss K is okay. Her restaurant was marked as permanently closed and its always melancholic to see a local business shutdown. Her food was always hot and fresh and I've grown up eating her Vietnamese dishes... I wish Miss K the best in life.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.