Okay so my best friends mom personally donated 300$ to me for our puppy when she was sick.
I only got 91$ sent to me. (Ripoff)
And so I cashed it and got Lucy shit
And now suddenly it's bounced back
Please check your emails and fix that, kid.
It was a gofundme through your facebook.
I'm between jobs and trying to push my Oklahoma license into texas.
I don't have the 100$ they are trying to charge me. So please look into that shit.
Sorry just... stressed not trying to bother anyone.
Just trying to mention an issue that could be fixed maybe
Unless you don't want to
In which case my bank will just keep charging and I'll never get out of debt and it will suck so... please do
._. I'm trying
I didn't even think I would make it this far.
Cant believe this is what our relationship is made of now. You're too scared to even say anything to me. I don't even know how to say... well just about anything. I'm really frustrated and about done with trying to justify my feelings to other people. I've only told a handful of people what had happened. Something tells me you deserve that much. But I don't care about what you deserve anymore. I've gone 100 for you-I've done it all for you. I ignored my feelings for other people because I've treasured what we had. I'm not saying that because I want you to be proud of me, I'm saying that because there are people out there that give me something you can't. And I sit and wonder, "why I'm still here when that's the case?" I never would pursue them, but God, these are some pretty amazing people. Okay. One person in particular. She's honestly the best. Supportive. Kind. Selfless. She goes so far for anyone emotionally and won't even do it for herself. I don't like that myself, because that's unhealtht. But I love that she always thinks of others before hersel. It makes me want to show her it's okay to love yourself. I care for her and I just want her to be happy. It's not like we could anyways. You always seem to care for yourself. Or what I could do for you. It hurts. That's how I feel on the daily. I never figured out how to show someone I love them-fuck. Who am I kidding? Yes, I do. I spoiled you with things I wanted myself. When you hurt I rubbed you to sleep. When you were sad I tickled you and kissed you until you smiled. When we were arguing, and you curled up on your side I held you throughout the night. I apologized nearly every time, I told you I loved you, and I'm sorry. I push people away. But I tried too damn hard for you. I tried too hard to make myself vulnerable with you. I thought after every thing, of course you're different. I thought after all the love you showered me with when I thought you'd turn your back on me; after every time I fucked up and you kissed my head and said you loved me; after any time I tested your patience and we said hurtful things only to make up; I thought, out of everyone I had met and known, you were different. That was and always will be, my biggest fault. I used my heart. Not my head. My head knows better. It's seen people before. People will never change. It's why I'm here after all these years. I've really been depressed and this time I'm gonna voice it, maybe it's because I feed off of what you give me. I'm not dumb. I can fucking read the air with you. You give me uncertain vibes, and it makes me uncertain. Just can't wait til you meet me as an alcoholic. Haha. You'll smell it off my breath and hate me.
[size10 Lightning is scary but beautiful. I'm mesmerized by it, at least tonight. The thunder that accompanies it seems equally as beautiful to me.
It surprises me how much I realized I missed storms like these. Lightning is just so bright and beautiful and [i danngerous]. I'm not scared of it like I used to be.
I'm just -- so in awe of nature right now.
I've been crying these past two nights because of how much I miss you. I know I have your jacket, and it smells just like you.. but it kinda makes it worse, especially at night. The fact I almost never have cell service in this fucking state makes it harder on me because I can't talk to you as much as I'm used to.
Love sucks ass.
But I'm not gonna tell you I love you for the first time until I see you in person, because then I'll know that I'm being honest. Plus it's super tacky to say it over the phone.
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/0wWI3qh.gif]][center [size10 There's an hour left to today for me so I might as well do this before it gets too late and I miss the chance]][center [size10 Happy mother's day to my amazingly talented and beautiful mama who deserves all the happiness in the world and I wish could relax and rest and just be happy more often. I ain't about that mushy shit but I adore the shit outta you and hopefully one of these days I'll be able to see you and thank you and one day I can back you back for everything.]]
[center [size10 Seriously tho, idk what else to say beside the fact that idk where I'd be at this point if I hadn't had you around, and tbh idc you know who but thank god for him cause he introduced us when you get down to him, cause he may have fucked a lot of shit up but he did one thing right.]][center [s [size10 if you ever need me to kill someone just ask]]]
[size10 I think, I've finally put the pieces together.
I see my place in your life -- there isn't one for me.
I'm nothing more than a bird passing by. Perhaps admired for mere seconds, then forgotten.
It isn't poetic. It's just sad.
My distance when all I want is to get close is sad.
These thoughts are sad.
My life is sad.
All I want to do is yell at you.
Because I love and care about you.
But I'll just stay silent, because
There's no chance of you hearing me.
Or understanding me.
Or even noticing me at this point.
I'm forgotten and practically invisible to begin with.
As I've always been.
What's the point in fighting it anymore?
It's just miserable.
I hurt so much and I don't know what for. I want to break down but what good would it do? My soul is sad. I wish somebody would understand me when I say I can't figure I it how to be happy. I was so close to it. I've been thinking so goddamn much lately, but this has especially been on my mind. Aside from the feelings I have for her, aside the love that still flickers here, the homesickness, the loneliness, the yearning to change myself and everything around me.... I've been reminded of the day I declared my last. It wasn't a lonely one. No. But I regret ever saying anything. I was so drugged up, I don't even know why I explained. Death is and never was beautiful. That's what terrifies me. Life will never be beautiful for me. I can't bring myself to let it. But the end of everything shakes the primitive instinct to survive. I don't want to. I'm so tired, everyone.
I'm just being dramatic. That's what they always written me off as. Dramatic. I'd just better get to bed and ready for work tomorrow. That's all this pointless life seems good for anyways.
My insomnia has gotten worse. Really haven't slept for the past few days and last night I finally got to sleep. No luck on the job front though, not yet anyway. The haunted hotel here is hiring, they need a new night auditor. A job here could be cool. The history of this historic hotel is amazing too.
The trip was a success. I got to do almost everything I've been wanting to do with him, granted we were in his best friend's house along with the rest of his group. They're the type of people to apparently throw condoms at you and then burst into the room 5mins later yelling it's the thot patrol. It was fun, I'm glad his friends really like me. Saying goodbye was the hardest shit I've ever had to do.. fuck it was so difficult I missed my original flight and he had to pay for a new plane ticket. I feel like shit because I know for a fact he couldn't really afford it. He says it's fine but I feel like I need to make it up to him somehow. At least I have his jacket.. that'll keep me happy for a while.
[center [size12 Been a long time. Been facing a lot of hard realities, made it kinda hard to stomach being social in any form. But here I am again. Six years later, still haven't managed to shake off the draw to this place. Oh well.
I have to figure out someplace to move to soon. Tickets for three people and a place to go to is going to be expensive. Lots of doubt that I can even pull it off. But I guess at this point, it's not much of an option. Whether I think I can or not, nor whether I want to or not, doesn't really matter. Michigan is where Michael and the others are, and it'd be nice to have some friendly faces to ease the anxiety.
It's going to be hard to be away from him. You spend every day for years with someone, and this sense of familiarity and comfort sets in. It's not really that they're your whole world, it's just like they've always been there, experiencing life right by your side. Then suddenly they aren't there and it feels rather empty with a constant nagging that something is either wrong or not there. I'm not really upset with his decision though. He's making the financially smart choice. Why move out when you have family to help you on your way with a house they may very well pass down to you? He said he might tag along, but I already know that won't be the case.
Freya has been nothing but an irritation... but I love her nonetheless. Since we've been able to move her back outside, the fur factory has been less irritating. Still unsure who she will stay with. Ma said if we bring her with us she can register her as her Emotional Therapy Dog, which would mean even places that wouldn't normally allow pets will let us keep her. She's not much of a barker so I can't imagine her ever giving others any problems. Just when she's left alone - which would almost never happen, considering Ma wouldn't be able to leave much.
Well... off to Ark for the day.
Just finished a 6 hour drive to visit my boyfriend via his friends picking me up. It was supposed to be a surprise, and yet when we surprised him he looked so dead because of how early it was. Managed to somehow give one of his friends a boner by telling him about my kink, and now we're in a joking three way relationship which is honestly amusing to an extent. I have more to say, but no time sadly.
You ever have to get use to something even if it's unfair. I'm use to being treated unfairly, used to being overlooked, use to being belittled. These are things I'm aware I shouldn't use to but I am. I'm use to coming second or third when I should always first in the eyes of the one who loves me.
Sometimes they daunting thoughts make it hard to go on. They weigh heavy on me and I drag my feet through out the day, tears on the edge waiting for the right moment to spill but they wet missile have no effect on the ally turned traitor, they are immuned and I am now numb.
Like a loving wife who adores her husband too much to see the affair. Like a loyal dog too hungry to bite the hand that beats. I trod on even as holes are formed in my soles, even the rentless sand burns my feet because I hope one day we may stumble across a Oasis and forget our troubles.
This is what I dream of as I lay in bed alone when you are no where to be found.
[center [i I posted this once but I suppose I'll do it again. ]]
[center [i I got my own account. Tried saving everything to a new one. and even with her doing honestly the heavy lifting we could only save so much. I saved the RPG stuff or the window shopping post for Grimgar. And honestly, tons of work on those pen and paper RPG's like things went down. Not to mention my stories and etc deleted without a trace. The stories are gone and so was my coding for Arthur but again the babe found that and my storage pictures somehow she's an actual goddess.]]
[center [i Not what I was here to really post about. Still, things turned out fairly well actually honestly? For AWHILE now things have been easy and peaceful minus that account being destroyed. It wasn't as bad as it coulda been and the important thing is going well.]]
[center [i Real life and speaking of which I love seeing you as often as we do. So soon too I can't believe it. You just take me my flaws my strength's my weaknesses all of it.]]
[center [i I remember when we held hands I remember you writing about how it felt in your journal. Small and rough I kinda felt bad haha. I know you told me you loved it but your hands despite your sassy strong nature. Were so gentle and delicate.]]
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/8xQT8iI.jpg]]
[center [i I got scars on mine busted up nails and boxers fractures mixed with microfracture conditioning. It just made me feel we were from worlds apart. That I grew up in trashy places and it was proof I had to fight to stay above water. It sounds like something to proud of right? When your holding someone's hand who feels like silk? It feels... I felt kinda bad I tried my best to lotion my hands and stuff too haha. Their rough little bastards but you love me all the same. You aren't afraid of me you feel safe around me.]]
[center [i You remind me of the man I used to be. Before a lot of this stress and anger in my life. Someone I forgot about a... Complete and stupid class clown but I don't mind fitting that criteria. I love you Monique Sashin so much and I'm sure I'll write even more about you. I'm just eager to talk to you before you go to school so I'll cut this short.]]
[center [i I love you with all of my heart and soul. <3]]
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/vxEtgTz.gif]][center [size10 Look I get it, my mug is really cool, it's why I bought it, but like you don't go taking someone else's things and hide them away in your room so no one else but you can use them. Like I get it you prolly didn't realize it was mine, but don't just assume cause it's being stored in the kitchen where normal people store dishes that it is free game. There's a reason why it's legit the only mug I use, and that's cause it's mine.]]
[center [size10 It didn't even cost that much so it's not even like that's the point tbh, the point is however that I'm picky enough about who uses stuff of mine and like it's one thing if Flary used it, it's a completely other if you use it. At least I know I'll get it back from her.]]
[center [size10 Also I get to go out in the sun tomorrow, bless. Hopefully Flary finds her bathing suit soon if she hasn't already cause ngl I really just wanna go swimming at the pool and chill and forget about shit. Therapeutic weightless floating and all that shit.]]
[size10 [+lightpink ❥] I always wonder if your words are about me. I know I shouldn't, but I always hope they are. It's dumb. Of me. I need to keep my distance, but it's hard and it hurts.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.