Oh dear god mah hart, it has fallen and can't get up, and not in the good way, jfc it buurrnnss, send halp
I'm flat out exhausted, I'm sured I failed that exam today too.
I feel burnt out, if I'm honest. I'm trying so hard to do this thing and understand this stuff but I really just don't get any of it at all. Some things here and there make sense but really not enough to make it through the TSSA exams.... I'm not cut out for this... I'm not just saying it to say it but then again you never listen or hear me. Sorry you spent so much and all of it is for failure, I'm trying but I'm just..... not getting it... I'm asking for help too but still. It's all just a waste of both of our time.
[center [size11 maybe this is partly my fault. i shouldn't have stuck my nose in, i shouldn't have tried so hard to keep you two together. it wasn't my place...]][center [size11 maybe i was being selfish... i just wanted you happy so bad, i didn't see how painful it was..]] [center [size11 i'm an idiot.]] [center [size11 i don't want to end up losing both of you]][center [size11 you're two of my dearest friends, i love you, you mean everything to me, i'd kill AND die for you if i had to]][center [size11 just.. do what you have to to feel okay again. i'll be here with open arms to listen and give you my advice. i'm sorry it's been painful.]] [center [size11 i'm sorry you've been hurting. i wish i could heal you both.]]
[center [size10 I just tried the Unicorn drink from Starbucks and it was fucking delicious.. and pretty af. I want another but I'm sure I won't be able to get my hands on another. Starbucks needs to make it a permanent drink, I love sour things and it wasn't overwhelmingly sweet. This has been a review from yours truly, Sakura aka bad and boujee.]]
[center [size10 Sharing this pic because it's aesthetically pleasing.]]
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/49b4fbe581c774c5886deaaaa499b834/tumblr_ooqb1julU71s3vhwko1_500.png]]
[center [size11 i'm dizzy, my head's throbbing, i'm nauseous, i'm tired, my eyes hurt]]
[center [size11 can this... stop? i have enough to be upset about]]
[center [size11 i honestly didn't need this on top of it..]]
[center [pic http://38.media.tumblr.com/6bbb918193a53161a646dd8c8b212fb9/tumblr_mi1gjlbdsS1qj6xtzo1_500.gif]] [right [size9 I refuse to keep losing to myself. I am my worst enemy but I know it... doesnt have to be so hard, I know I can overcome it if I just calm down and stop over analyzing things and making things worse. Minds are weird, especially with anxiety.
But I don't have to keep panicking.. I'm going to be okay...
I'm never alone
My condolences for those I do not let help me, I just want to be able to help myself... maybe I'm prideful, maybe I worry about burdening, who knows.
All I do know? I'm grateful for those in my life, and I'm happy. Damaged, but still happy.
[center [size10 You ever just feel used? Like.. I don't want to assume things but..]
[center [size10 I feel like people sometimes only come to me to vent and that's all. I don't mind helping others vent but....]]
[center [size10 It becomes obvious that all you are is a pillow to cry on. Through out the day and everything else, you don't matter anymore. That's what I feel like sometimes. It's angering.. and it makes me want to just close off myself and put my middle fingers up in the air. It's just so unfair, I'm your friend too. Not just someone you need when no one else will listen. Over and over again..]]
[center [size10 Why do people suck..]]
[size12 [font "MS Gothic" It's so hard to watch someone, that you care for, spiral down.. It makes it harder when there is no way to save them, because they won't let you save them...
Sometimes.. I wonder why I ever tried to save myself, just to have my heart broken every day by every cut, every scratch, every scrape, every drink, every tear, every self-deprecating thought that comes out of their mouth, and every moment that they say that they can't...
There is hope.. But you have to believe, and you have to take steps to make it happen.
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/0aca5044d6e11ba8e00970baa45c5ed3/tumblr_ny731nStfI1uq9c80o1_500.gif]] [right [size9 all I want is DEATH]]
[center [size11 I can't even suffer through the flu with out breaking out in hives. Also I almost fell the fuck over just standing still by the bed and yet can't pass tf out. I fucking hate my life. I'm on fire, my stomach acid is fucking up, my breathing is a piece of shit, and now I'm all fucking itchy. Like fuck the right outta my body I felt so shitty i couldn't even enjoy my game. Which is saying a lot cause I'm Fucking obsessed. I'm so close to the scene that breaks my fucking heart and makes it so worth snapping that hick's neck. Granted I did have help with one of the fights but otherwise most of the progress has been me.]]
[center i won't be playing these games anymore. if you wanted me, liked me, or even cared about me, you would've done [i something]. in the end, [i you] wasted [i my] time.]
[center so whatever.]
[paprika [center [#a47f82 Don't you love when people get angry at you because you don't have any romantic feelings for them? Then say you led them on, you're a slut, and you flirted with them? Some men are a real fucking charm. No, almost everyone is. They feel butterflies in their stomachs and suddenly they've got it in their heads they're what you need. They suddenly think they've got the papers to tell people what to do and not to do with you. Like you're property. It's disgusting. I'm repeating myself, but honestly, I'm so fucking sick of living through this. People slightly enjoy my company and then when I show my sweet side to only one person they flip shit. I started a world war - committed the worst sin. You're real idiots if you think my jokes were in any sort of actual romantic affection for you. I can't believe I let people like them in. Revealed my thoughts and my tears to them. Yeah, I cry a lot, but you'll never fucking know why ever again. You'll never inflict any more pain on me. I've been gone from your life for only a few days anf I remember things you say that anger me. That hurt me. My tears might seem pathetic and fake to you but I'm not the idiot who falls in love with anyone who acknowledges my existence and remotely resembles a girl. I can't let your words affect me. I have to keep trying to open up. I have to keep telling myself I'm better and I can do this. I can. I have to. I want to. Sometimes my grip of reality slips and everything goes into a blur... but I live another day... and I love with all I've got. What the fuck do you have? Bitter feelings that some fucked up chick didn't even consider dating you. Of course not. Why would I date an asshole like you? I left one, which kind of makes me not want to run towards another. You're so delusional. Priceless.
On a productive and uplifting note, I'm going to try and doodle my OC. Put her on my profile. Maybe actually write out information on her. Instead of keeping it jambled in my head. Maybe I do have Manic depression. It's been on my mind for awhile, but, I don't know. Probably won't do much about it. I just have to try and be positive I guess. I have an amazing supporter. And he absolutely is one of the best things I've got going. I won't fuck this up for myself.
[center [size10 when i was small, my grandfather use to say people who claim what they are, are not what they are at all, it's a sad excuse of what they want to become with a hopeful glimpse of staging it in front of others.]]
[center [size10 when i was a teenage my grandmother said people are what they claim. ]]
[center [size10 I'm a dumbass]]
[center [b [size10 Yes you are]]]
[center [size10 I'm alone and no one loves you]]
[center [b [size10 Yes you are]]]
[center [size10 I'm a nobody and deserve nothing]]
[center [b [size10 Of Course.]]
[center [size10 Honestly I don't know who was right, I agre both ways, people can claim what they are but not be it, it may be a coping mechanism or something. And there are the people who tear themselves down, I agree with my grandmother and say fuck it "you are what you swallow" and most of the time it's pity and self depreciation. I've watched many people come in my life and gone, whether it's by force or willingly. I got no regrets meeting those people, they did what they wanted,chose what they wanted and got what they wanted. the world ain't getting any simpler.]]
[center [size10 When you're in a quick play match as Mercy and the enemy Mercy decides to come for me, tries to kill me but fails 0: so they get mad and switch to Zenyatta, kill you once successfully. Big mistake on their end because they don't know that my best fucking medic is Zenyatta, like o, [b how cute], you wanna come at me with him because you couldn't kill my Mercy? I got you, boi.]]
[center [size10 So you switch to Zenyatta too :)))) and shit on their entire Overwatch existence because they're just finding out that my Zen a litle [i too] fucking savage. Oh, your team was putting up a good fight? not anymore :) game won because you had to make me pull out one of my best, my main fucking medic dedicated to comp only because I'm too fucking savage as Zenyatta. Don't get me wrong, I love Mercy and I play her lots but [b bitch don't you ever make me pull out my Zenyatta]. I play Mercy to go easy on these bitches. ]]
[center [size10 #whenyouplaytoomuchOVERWATCH]]
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