[center [#84bae1 [font "Handlee"
Ah. The tools on here. I forget how entertaining they can be.
In other news, my stomach is always like this. Bro. Why?
I should get some more sleep in 'fore work today.
I hate Facebook. I hate seeing all those posts that remind me of you. I hate trying to be strong and forget, but I still dream about you. I still yell at you in them for all the shit you put me through because that's the only satisfaction that I'll ever get. The only time I ever have the courage to say all the things I bottled up for 4 years. 4 fucking years.
You say you're a nice guy, and you didn't want to hurt me, but nice guys don't encourage their girlfriends to starve themselves to lose weight. Nice guys don't do whatever they can to not be seen with you as a couple in public. Nice guys don't manipulate you into feeling like you're the one with all the problems, and then turn around and act like they never did that.
I loved you so goddamn much, and wasted 4 fucking years on you. Only for you to drop me. 32 year old manchild with a God complex.
I HATE you. But silently I thank you. Because I'm grateful for the guy that's speaking to me now. He treats me better than you ever have, and EVER would have.
I know my worth, and I feel sorry for the next girl who'll be subjected to your bullshit. Hope she see's through it quickly.
"You don't miss me. You missed the person who loved you so much, you didn't have to love them back." I'm going to say that to you if you try again. Throw that Rick and Morty shit in your face.
I'm growing my hair out to donate it. I've been donating a lot lately, from clothes, shoes, school supplies, and blood. I don't know... I have at least 18 inches I can donate now, but I wanna give it a few months and see how long I can grow it then. Make someone happy to have a wig.
Also, in October, I get to see my friend. He's graduating from college and wanted me to be there for him. I missed being to talk face to face and not over messenger.
Day 49 of being back at my mothers. It is so obvious I'm not wanted. I didn't want to come back either, but my now ex of almost 3 years wouldn't let me work and stay for a month to get my own place. My friends don't talk to me anymore now that I'm back. The past two or three days I've been more depressed and crying. I lost over 40-50 lbs. I barely sleep and eat. At times I'm strong and don't miss him. But then I get all of these memories popping up out of nowhere and god I miss him and still love him. I want him to miss me and want me and love me. We don't talk anymore, but he said he wants to be friends... I can't help think that this is what he wanted. He told me at times when he's out he get hit on by girls and they tell him what they would do it him and he would want that... then this bitch Christina got in the picture. I never approved of them swapping numbers. They talk all the fucking time and it made my anxiety horrible. They have so much in common... he's probably out fucking her as we speak. I went back to NJ and his spiderman blanket was in the fucking car... my mind runs wild. I hate not knowing how he's doing. I expect him to call me every sunday because he works a double and drives home tired and late so he calls me so doesn't fall asleep behind the wheel... I hate that I still love him. I miss him and his family and being in NJ.
[Center [pic https://78.media.tumblr.com/1fde9dbaa8583db257f30c812f0d67db/tumblr_p4cw0bw1df1usc9y9o1_r1_540.gif]]
[Center I've been trying stay positive, but I'm at my limits. These migraines have been getting worse and my anxiety has my stomach in knots. I haven't been able to eat right. I get angry for no reason and I feel it's better that I stop talking to people around me for a while. I get snappy and I don't like doing that...]
[Center [size10 Agh can people stop trying to appeal to my sensibilities or some shit? I don't understand why they don't get that I don't have em. Instead I get sob stories and apologies that I don't really even bat an eye at and some half baked understanding of how I am. Some "I understand you're blunt" before a little "but thats just cold as fuck" or "how can anyone find that fun?" And before anyone comes in here like "you said take it to pms and you'd leave it our of journals". But I'm not naming names and honest to god I just need to vent about this where people can see this so maybe I'll stop having people misunderstand me and my fucking intentions or having people get all upset when I don't side with them and thinking "Well I thought we were friends cause we talked once but I guess I was wrong."
I say this shit flat out so many times and yet still people get fucking shocked or confused about my actions and I can't help but wonder if you people are just stupid for not listening to me or if it's the sad state of es where when someone ACTUALLY like me comes along, everyones so used to hardasses on es claiming to be psycho to seem edgy that no one can believe it from experience.
But let me break this down for everyone. Antisocial personality disorder. Boom. Disreguard for other people/their feelings/their well being. Make sense why I make jabs and don't care? Of course before anyone tries to be slick and call "probably self diagnosed". Yeah you're damn right. Cause when you're one amongst many in the body, when you have shit going on with you, we can't really go into a therapist and be like "hey I'm not the name you have me as on file I'm just someone here help me figure out whats wrong." So when you're in the body of many, you just have to see the signs and what may or may not fit. And antisocial personality disorder hits the nail on the head for me. So nope, not diagnosed but if my lack of empathy has anything to say about it, then I'm pretty sure that's what it is.
So what does that mean? Well psychopathy and sociopathy aren't medical terms but the closest medical term for those two things is Antisocial personality disorder. But since most edgelords know more about psycopaths and sociopaths, that should tell you something about why I can just fucking jab at people and not give a shit or why I find it fun and interesting. I TRULY do not understand how people can be hurt by words online because I lack the ability to be able to be hurt by that stuff myself. And my lack of empathy makes me unable to understand why others get hurt by it. So I find it interesting and fun to see others go through it and gague their reactions to try to understand it. Is it cruel? Yep probably. But I don't have a filter that tells me to stop at decisions that may hurt people. I know what will hurt people yes, but I've never had the normal feeling of not wanting to hurt others or seeing the reasoning for not hurting others like most people have. Because I have no empathy for them.
Thats why I say I could lose people and be fine. Even the closest people to me, my mate and Rami included, I've disowned at the drop of the hat when my instincts kick in that they're hindering my way of life. Because quite honestly when you have no empathy your number one priority is survival. For me anyway. So if they are becoming alot to handle and are hindering me enough, my mind kicks in with "if it's hindering me, why keep it around?" It's an extreme case of self preservation. If you don't like the taste of orange juice don't drink it. If a person becomes too problematic, don't keep em around. End of story for me. So when I think that way and people expect that they're something special. Nope. They're immediately not even someone I want to put anything positive into for pleasanries sake.
So from now on, if I get messages being like "how could you be so cruel" or whatever, I'm not gunna try to explain further. I do have likes and dislikes and I really dislike being represented wrongly or someone having the wrong idea about why I say or do what I do. So, I just wont get into it after this. If after this anyone still questions my motivations, they really aren't worth having a conversation with.
Funny I didn't have to go into all this so deeply with my peeps but they understood all this from the get go and still hang around me but even explaining it point blank to some people and they still can't soak this shit in. Oh well.
Also anyone can feel free to just think Im an edgelord as well and that all this is bs, doesn't hinder me in any way. But my disliking for people misunderstanding my intentions is a minor thought and an annoyance that lasts a few moments at best. Honestly didnt care anymore about all this a few paragraphs in but figured I'd continue to hopefully not have to shorthand go through this 500 more times with people.
Anywho, part two of war of thorns is out on WoW so Imma go hit that shit up. Cya es, stay nasty.]]
[Size10 [center Edit: Also after reading my post, my mate jokingly said this in a way I figured I'd add for the stupids that still wont get it. So this was him saying this about my pov. "Sorry if you're used to people who are like "you c-cant hurt me b-baka" and don't actually mean it but IIII really don't give a damn. Like I actually can't get hurt by it. Soz"
Just thought that was cute so I figured I'd add it.]]
These are the days when I miss you the most. The days when I hate myself for hurting you and pushing you away. These are the days when I wish we still talked when we still laughed and loved and all I cared about was you. I miss your smile. I miss your face. I miss the idea of being with you someday. It’s days like these when I feel the most alone when everyone is living there lives and I smile, happy for them while inside I’m falling deeper and deeper into the black hole where my soul should be. These are the days when I don’t want to wake up. The days when I feel more alone surrounded by all the people than when I’m alone in my bed. These are the days when I question everything. These are the days that I needed you the most...that I still need you the most.
But these are the days you are never here... the days you have something better to do. These are the days you play your games and “don’t see” my msgs asking for help. These are the days that hurt me the most....
These are the days I miss you the most...
[#F0FFFF [size7 Idk the last time I posted in here. Betting most of you don't know me but oh well, is cool.]]
Why do I even bother trying to talk to you when he is the party, it just goes in one ear and out the other, but I'm meant to be important to you. HA! you make me laugh. If I was important to you, you wouldn't be doing have the shit that pisses me off, nor would you conplain to me that you want to do things with me, but then proceed to spend money on the car. So why complain?? I seriously don't understand. Not to mention that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but have second thoughts about moving in with me?? What the fuck! Yes I understand that you have it easy as your parent's place, where I'm living I have it pretty easy as well, but that will doesn't beat the fact that I can wake up next to you everyday. I'd be able to not have to worry about when I see you next, but you already know all of this. It doesn't bother you though, otherwise you would try and do something about it. However if I want to spend the rest of my life you. I guess I have to deal with it.
So in the five years I’ve been on this website I’ve seen many things, made so many friends, dealt with so much bullshit, drama and whiny ass exes
[i cough] Blake [i cough]
But history seriously repeats itself every month or so. It’s acutally rather beautiful. The first time I came across this, it was like watching it over again like I was back In the stay away chat. Damn.
It’s been years.
IM SO OLD NOW
[center [youtube https://youtu.be/A_gPdu0_bgY]]
[center [size7 I'd rather be dead than awake right now but at least Leo and SF9 released some stuff today]]
Dear Journal, things went terribly and everyone lived horribly ever after.
ES is still a shitshow tho
[Center [size10 And after that, things went surprisingly well and they all lived happily ever after, realizing that es is indeed a shitshow.]]
WHat be uppin's tonite, journal??? I've had a heckin blast to the borkin past. so to put it out there for 'ya, was not enjoyable. my chest is KillLIng and all that's tinking about in my head is, "hey maybe you should be nice. talk to theeeem" like... hey dumbo wumbo... no. you tried that last time and he told you to stay the pucc away. you really can't take a hint?? wowzers. You got this weird habit of checking on people who have ducckkked you over and being like, "maybe things are gucci now" WAKE UP AND SMELL THE WARNING FLARES YOU'RE GOING TO GET BUTT PUNCHED AGAIN. but nawww that not be it this time right???? anyway i might just have a cry sesh and call it a night. hmu PULL UP
[Center [size10 Again, my last post of the night that I was gunna make was over an hour ago until someone else brought it all back up. Anything past here between me and them tho I'll take to pms since its more of an actual conversation now.]]
Yes all and powerful omio. I will do as thy requested.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.