[center [size10 in about 5-6 hours I'll be in Boston. In about 35 hours I'll he close to my new home. After that it'll be one small bus trip before I am where I've been trying to get to for about the last week. I'm so glad I decided to say fuck it and just do it today instead of trying to continue putting it off. I might have stumbled hella down but bitttccchhhh I'mma try my best to glow tf up and be the best me and make suga hella proud af. I told myself I'd never do a bus ride like this ever again but ya know I need to stop saying "never again" cause sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do even if it isn't what you originally planned.]]
[center [size10 I got this. I won't be alone. I got someone there who's got my back and only wants the best for me. Even when I wanna put myself down she's built me up even if I don't feel deserving. So bless her, and fuck anyone who thinks anything less of her. It's sad I couldn't stay with xephy in Maine but it's okay. It was nice while it lasted and I enjoyed my time there. One day I'll visit again and not just to see xephy. I want Wendi and Carrie and miles to see me at my best one day so they can be extremely proud that I took care of myself like I've neglected to do recently. I did have a small little family there. I'll miss the shit out them, but sometimes it's not meant to stay.]]
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b dbl post idgag but look at all them fucking typos my phone really gonna fucking break LMAO I need a new one soon ngl
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b WHATS!!! UP !!! BITCHEZ !!?!?!?
NEON GONNA MOVE IN THE SAME STATE AS ME CAN I GET AFUCKING WOOP???? BROKE MY DAMN PHONE CANT EVEN TYPE RIGHT IN SO HYPE!!?!?! MY BABY BOY GONNA FUCKING DROWN FROM MY LOVE HE IS GONNA GROW AND ALLYOU HOES GONNA WATCH HIM SUCCEED!!! VALENTINES DAY???? IDK HER BECAUSE TODAY IS THE START OF THE BEST JOURNEY EVVEEERRRR!! omgomgomg bless this life. I dreamt of ththe day I'd meet my beautiful son and it cannot come any fucking faster???? Hurry the FUCK up, time. Got shit I wanna tell neon face to face. Got love to fucking give. Got to make up for all the disassociation I've been doing. If any of you hoes wanna come visit us I'll even help you aaaaah. I'm so giddy!!! My son brings me so much joy I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN how crazy I have been this past week WAITING for him to come and shaking my coworkers telling them they're all gonna love him and I love him !!!! THIS !! IS !! AMAZING !!! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY !!! Because pretty soon here neneoneneon gonna fucking control his own life and once he do its fucking it for depression you fucking hating bitchhhh. WISH MY SON SAFE TRAVELS AND TAHNK YOU FOR READING AND FOR EVERYONE who has lead us up to this moment. All the mothers and all the fuckers, the more you tried to make us miserable anand angry the closer you brought us, and now he really is gonna get betterfor himself so THANKS YOU MOLDY PANCAKE ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Well, I'm getting back into singing to distract me from everything. I just hope this job works out this time so I can help my grandfather and also save up for a mic and editing software. Then I can get my YouTube channel going and post covers of songs and commentary reviews of different cartoons and anime.
[center [size10 it's sad when you've gotten to a point to accept when you have to part with items even when they meant so much to you. The only childhood belonging I had and I fucking misplaced it to the point even I don't know where it went. What could have been done to return it was done. No point crying over it but here we are. It was just a stupid hat I got when I was a kid. I knew there might be a chance I'd lose it but god knows I didn't think it would be this soon or my own doing. I could care less about my autographs or my 3ds at this point. I just hope that where ever it is or winds up it gets taken care of. It deserves that much because if I lost it at this point it's my own fault. Never should have taken it out of that god damn bag on that night. I should have left it be. At least I have my clothes and two of my hats. That's better than nothing. I could have lost everything but I didn't. And I do mean everything. I was fucking stupid and almost lost my job over that shit. Shit might be tough and stressful right now but I'll manage. I seem to always manage despite everything. It's fucking exhausting.]]
Her ashes are ready. Now, I wait for her thumb prints on paper for my tattoo and my cremains necklace. I keep watching videos that have of you talking to my niece... I listen to them so I don't forget what your voice sounds like.
I've been keeping an eye out for my grandfather, he can say he's okay all he wants too, but losing the love of his life of forty-five years is hurting him. I've been making sure he stays on track. I'm helping him with paying bills on line and helping him do things around the house. At least he's taking a break and going to camp with my sister. He needs a getaway and so does my baby sister.
Emotions have been high and low this week and creating a new "normal" is going to be salo hard...
[center [size11 If there's a black hole headin' for Hell then baby count me in.
I sold my soul so long ago, a bullet in the chamber with nowhere to go.
[center [pic http://orig01.deviantart.net/9538/f/2015/261/7/e/ruefeather_by_mothbone-d9a0xkb.gif ]
[center [i alone, I'm worthless.]]
[center [size11 Oh look, once again words cannot display what I feel inside because what in the living fuck am I feeling-? It's like every heartbeat, it's there but it's not exactly anxiety is it because I'm not anxious about anything because all that's ahead is bleak. And I know I've said this too many times because I think my situations can't get any worse but they don't. And then the next time I have a situation, it gets worse than the first time and I keep stupidly thinking that it's the worse thing ever.
Tears don't mean anything at this point, they are just body fluids that are wasted to me. Then I ruin people's days over stupid shit I say and I've had enough of it. It makes me want to get a needle and thread and sow my lips shut so I don't bother anybody with my squeaky voice or whatnot. And I'm not begging for attention, I just need to get this shitty fucking emotion off my chest and this is how it's spilling out.
I keep hoping to be alive until several albums come out but that's postponed until fucking how many years it takes for me to gain inspiration from this depression and to get good recording devices to get where I want to start. And I'm so young and so immature and I don't know what to do with my situation because I don't know how to confide in anybody and I'm terrified they'll stab me in the back with the knife I hand them.
It's like I was expecting them to make a cake with that knife, not shove it into my spine. And over my ears who has heard the thunderous rifts, the emotional cries and the scribbling of a lead pencil against paper, I don't know what to do anymore. But I'm not saying that will be the end of my story.
Because every '90's movie that my mother shows me is more to draw from in my pool of inspiration and wisdom. Every song and it's riff or sound will affect everything I do with my passion for music. And I keep telling the people who harmed me or who's legendary to me will get a spot in my albums as inspiration towards true friends and what they do to protect you.
Phoenix was trashed, it's a fucking soft ass song. Need more riffs and something inspired from Asking Alexandria or Bring Me The Horizon, those dudes are cool and trying to do something to change the whole vision of rock music and what they stand for.
Oliver is right, there hasn't been a rock idol in 40 years, he's the new Ozzy Osborne.
[pic http://orig01.deviantart.net/9538/f/2015/261/7/e/ruefeather_by_mothbone-d9a0xkb.gif ]
[center [size10 Rami's sides bday was on the 27th and their gift comes in tomorrow. Did we expect they'd be so excited for another snake? No way. Did we think if they got a ball python they'd get a baby? Yes. But, we were pleasantly surprised that they're super excited to get this adult ball python instead of a baby.
For one, he's from a breeder which is always better than a chain petstore. And the breeder said he's eating really good every week, so he's less likely to do the typical "I'm a ball python so I'mma suddenly try to starve myself" thing. He eats frozen and live but I was told that he should easily stay on a frozen diet and if he did happen to go on an eating strike, he's had live before so he'd know what to do with a live rat. Also him being on frozen is great because if he stops eating, you can always coax him into eating easier by giving him something interesting and fun, like live. If he stops eating and hes on live already, it's kinda hard to make a meal more tempting than live.
Was also told that he's a real sweetie but the only problem is I'm a bit confused about how big he's gunna be. I was told how big he was but it's hard to imagine exactly how big that's gunna be in hand when all I have are pics and whatnot. So we ended up buying a few different sized black rubber tubs that can have a hole cut in the size for hides to last him until we can get some accurately sized hides for him. I don't want to spend 20 bucks or more per hide when I have no idea what hides are going to suit the guy. But he needs something to use for the time being and the tubs are actually really fucking nice quality so I'm pretty stoked for his whole set up.
Also fun fact, we'll be putting his heat lamp on ONE side of the tank and his water bowl on the OTHER side of the tank. Not both in the fucking middle like some people do. Will update with pics of him and his setup tomorrow when he gets here.]]
I guess seeing a grief counselor would help... My body is reaching its limit and my stomach aches and burns. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I feel weak. Her celebration of life is going to wear me out even more. My aunts and my grandfather said I didn't have to talk to anyone. They really don't want to talk much either. It's been a painful and heartbreaking week. Tomorrow is going to be a test of patience and my mental health.
[center [size9 Sometimes, you hear the wrong things from people and then you attack people over the wrong things and then you get fucked over. I didn't want to piss her off even more but I managed to do so and now she's got these bodyguards looming over her like she's the fucking queen. ]
Jesus fufucfufuck. Fuckity fuck fuck..... my stomach is turning my heart is heavy over some bullshit that happened a year ago. Break my fucking heart a million times fuck me. Fuck this bullshit. I'm killing myself slowly oh my God help me. My heart is clenching.
[center [size9 Sometimes your own darkness is too much for others to handle. It's not that I have darkness, it's just words I say is what disturbs people so much. I feel so heavy sometimes and when I tell people, it does nothing but upset them and then I feel guilty and then it gets worse and worse.
On top of that, my computer keys are sticky from soda. Nice going me.
[pic http://orig01.deviantart.net/9538/f/2015/261/7/e/ruefeather_by_mothbone-d9a0xkb.gif ]
[Center Oʜʜʜ ᴍʏʏʏʏ ɢᴏᴅᴅᴅᴅ ᴛʜɪs ᴏʟᴅ ᴀss ᴡᴏᴍᴀɴ sᴀɪᴅ sʜᴇ ᴀɪɴᴛ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ɢᴏᴛ ᴀ sʜᴏᴛ ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴇ ɪs sᴛʀᴏɴɢᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴏғғ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴀʏ.. ʏᴀ ɢɪʀʟ ɢᴏɴɴᴀ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ᴅɪᴇ ᴏғ ᴀ ᴄᴜʀᴀʙʟᴇ ɪʟʟɴᴇss ʙʏᴇ...
Sʜᴇ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ sᴀɪᴅ, "I'ᴠᴇ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙʀᴏɴᴄʜɪᴛɪs ʙᴇғᴏʀᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ғᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴏғғ ɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴀʟʟʏ" ʟᴏʀᴅ ʜᴇʟᴘ ᴍᴇ.
Aʟsᴏ ᴛʜɪs ʙᴜs ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʜᴜʀʀʏ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴜᴄᴋ ᴜᴘ, I ɢᴏᴛ ᴀ ʜᴏʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴘᴀɴᴛs ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴛ ɪs ᴅɪɢɢɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴍᴇ.
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