[size10 Hard work pays off but honey, I got ways to go.
Not too long though, almost.
Just a little longer...
Just gotta get past that gate.
Dreams are right behind them.
All this damn noise about es shutting down waiting for someone with some knowledge to say one way or another
Why I do this to myself is a mystery. You didn't tell me so I could go and read all the things that would wound me. You told me because you wanted to vent and here I go crushing my own heart after you trusted me to not do this. Maybe she's right and I'm just as bad as he is. I ragged on him so bad for what he did to everyone I didn't realize I'm no better. I'm just an abusive piece of shit who walks all over you. To be fair I never intended to walk all over you. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be a healthy significant other. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. How could I? I'm inexperienced and I'm a hazard and a half. And in no way is that an excuse its just the facts. If anything it makes me even shittier to say that. You deserve better but I'm too selfish to let you go. So for now I must try to suppress these dumb emotions that I shouldn't have and hope it corrects itself. I will improve myself for you. I promise. I'll try to stick to abusing just myself rather than you. I prefer it that way.
[size10 I'm starting to crave freedom, I've never been committed for so long to a singular [i thing]. Honestly it's terrifying. Some days [i it] makes me hurt, while other days [i it] can be the best thing in my life. I don't like being pinned down, the high expectations shoving me into a corner where some days I can't even decide if I want to pretend to not exist or just put on a smile and play.]
[size10 I want to leave, and yet my dependence on [i it] forbids me without severe consequences to my emotional state. I want to breathe, to not be afraid of my desires to be a social being. I'm sorry, that's what I should say, right? I should be sorry for even having these thoughts, sorry for even thinking this thing was a bad idea. I'm tired of lying, tired of having to hide things that would set [i it] off. I never know how [i it]'ll react to the truth, to my emotions.]
[size10 [i It] has done so much for me though, put so much effort into my well being, yet I still don't want [i it]. I don't want to remove myself from [i it], nor do I wish to devote myself to some[i thing] else. Especially when that [i thing] doesn't make me as happy as [i it] does. I'm tired of being trapped,]
[right [size10 yet I crave the sensation.]]
[center [size7 [i It] is not a drug, [i it] is a human being, as well as [i thing].]]
[Center [size10 Holy shit. If anyone is ever interested in carpet pythons I highly suggest Constrictors Northwest. This guy is not as known about as he should be. His snakes are a bit pricey due to their excellent bloodlines but if you need to pay in payments, so long as he can tell how much you love snakes and care for em, he's super willing to work with you. If this wasn't the last snake I need to get for my forseeable future, I definitely wouldn't want to buy from anyone else. He loves the snakes and is the most "in it for the love of snakes not for the money" guy I've talked to. Just damn. THAT'S how you fucking run a business. Respect.]]
Is it normal for me to hate such a small thing so damn much when before it made me happy? It was so awesome to see you happy and now its just so annoying. I hate it and it makes me feel so guilty. I wish this feeling of jealousy would go away. I see her with you and I get so angry. That's my best friend. Mine not hers. She had no right to be in your life and it really pisses me off to see her. She needs to go. Just leave and never return.
[size10 I could probably spend most of my life being forgotten by people. Actually, I probably will. I'm just not very memorable.
exhausted. worked too much. haven't slept well.
stressing over class assignments. gonna crash tonight and work on shit tomorrow. I'm fucking exhausted and maybe I want attention from friends and stuff but I ain't gonna bother them.
Back to the void, as I tend to say.]
Walking in and out of my life claiming to love me when the person you really want is too busy for you ain't love. Quit annoying me and get lost for good already. Never thought you were any different then the others anyway. That's why I never bothered to care, so shove off
[center [h3 Warning Random Rant]]
[center [i So this is rant is going to be random and pretty unrelated to anything in my life or even how I feel at the moment. Maybe it's a way to distract myself? Doesn't that sorta lose it's charm when I realize it is? I found it kinda silly you were afraid you were a distraction in my life. You're one of the main courses and my best friend through and through.]]
[center [i Now to the most random rant I was watching OW videos and one video was a guy talking about cutest Overwatch girl players or some shiz. I clicked and laughed I honestly just expected cute girls playing in whatever. NOPE one was a clip of a girl grabbing her boobs and all these overly sexual girls. Is that what's considered cute? It's kinda disappointing I'm not saying having a sexual drive is wrong. My grandma tried to instill that into me and maybe that's why growing up I was scared of it all. That changed after meeting a special person and showed me how sweet it can all be. Not to say I haven't met others who've shown me it isn't wrong. Not all girlfriends even some male friends telling me it's not wrong if you don't make it so. That aside! What the fuck? When I think of cute I don't know I think of cute? Like a laid back girl wearing normal girls making jokes and just.. Cute? I know people tell me I like plain girls but I think it's really "Cute" when they are more real. I don't think I'm this deep guy with fine taste for that I think most guys want that right? A girl you'd feel you could hold a conversation with and ect. Nope click "cute" girls and you get girls bending over showing tits,ass,ect acting so fake. Like I'm not even getting on to horny girls,guys,other but like this is just so fake I can't even. It's probably just a problem with girls streaming or something ya know what I notice? I don't see a lot of guys getting ripped and playing video games shirtless. Is it because people would tell him he's being a slut? Strange double standard hell it probably happens I just don't see it? It's not just streaming is it? You go to the store and you see a magazine with a girl barely dressed with huge tits a lot huh? Like I suppose it happens with guys but it doesn't feel nearly as much. I know when I bring this point up I have friends go. "Ha gay you wanna see that?" it's not about what I want to see it's just a sense of like same thing applies to both ends. This is such a worn out subject and tbh I'm not that triggered over it. It's super easy to get over for both guys and girls just don't think about it or get involved. Boom no need to be upset and I'm not really just pondering on why it's like that?]]
[center [i That we have this standard that girls are beautiful and guys are tough. I mean that isn't to say we don't have pretty boys in media and strong girls too. It just feels less mainstream ya know? I wonder if that's why I make my charmer characters in video games/roleplays that suck at fighting guys? To break a standard? Why I'll make tanky looking girls but not "manly" looking tough tank girls. I remember my girl in FF14 looked very strong but very pretty. I am getting so random XD]]
[center [i I'll probably be less sleepy tomorrow and read back here and cringe at what I wrote here. I just get depressed at night I guess so I just wanted something to type about for a minute or two I guess.]]
Kids these days concern me sometimes.
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/50e7acfa08c7f5337df47da3c131f378/tumblr_n3xppniHML1tsirm1o1_400.gif]]
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/1ce3cbd0264c7441568122324b5b3283/tumblr_n3xppniHML1tsirm1o2_r1_400.gif]]
[center [pic https://68.media.tumblr.com/b6eebe2be2949eb0e4a8f0597cc927ef/tumblr_n3xppniHML1tsirm1o3_r1_400.gif]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=166&v=35A8HFLUETg]]
[center [i Just gonna leave this here.]]
[center [size10 [#7B77A5 It isn't unsurprising, this attitude and behaviour. When all the facts would speak to the contrary shall we resort to abusing one another? As difficult as it has been to just carry on, shoulder my rifle and take every day as it comes your abuse and the abuse of your peers is surreal. It's a drowning feeling, overwhelming hatred bombarding me. Yet I've continued. In an effort to fight on.
[center [size10 [#7B77A5 I wonder how much what people say is truth anymore. Your hatred of my own father, the man you don't even know, you can't speak of. "You're smart, Claire", "Keep at it, Clogs", "That's actually kind of cute." People I trust and had trusted have said these things and now I question it.
[center [size10 [#7B77A5 I am my own woman, nothing you or anyone else say will make that not so. I have a soul. My heart is good. My intent has always been for good, even when I fall.
[center [size10 [#7B77A5 I will never surrender.
Time for another night of accepting truths.
Accept that you'll never be particularly good looking.
Accept that you'll always have this lingering illness and no one will ever want to put up with it.
Accept that you'll be a bad person no matter how many people you try to convince you are good, because deep down you know your soul is black. Or maybe you don't have one. Or maybe the concept of a soul is a fabrication of the collective human psyche.
Time to accept that those who you want to care more than anything never will give you a passing thought.
Time to stick to writing poetry and drinking my thoughts away.
[size12 No sweetened words. Nor follies of any kind, I assure you. Just something simple. Honest. Believe or not, I truly miss you, and everything that made our friendship crisp.]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.