[center [size10 As always, I'm left with a "don't do anything for anyone else" mentality. Idk why I try and try and try some more. This stupid human curse of insanity. You keep thinking hey, something's gunna change, and then you're left peeved when it doesn't. Oh well. There goes another 92 bucks so a man I don't even know can get a bday gift in time for his bday and another 30 or so to buy the paint for them to paint my room before I move back to GA, even though his mom already owes me 35. But y'know, it's not like I was already putting off going to the doctor even though I shouldn't be just to conserve money. Not like we were supposed to go to Memphis this month and go to the mall and the zoo to chill in a cool place before having to move away in April. Guess we'll have to be even more careful with how we spend our money now. Thanks people that screw me over. Just a big thanks for reminding me why I always favor doing things for only myself and don't like helping others. Remember, the more you screw me over, the more you push me to the line of "Fuck it, that's the last time you'll get a dime out of my pocket." So you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting me. once I get to that line, you're on your own. Peace bitch.]]
[center [size10 me and Shibar will be here for emotional support during all that mess def gonna do a sleep over and I'll get face masks and chocolate and another 5 Shibar to go along with the first and they will cradle her and support her since mercury wanna fuck about and go into Gatorade again already. Like wtf. And then there's me over who is prolly gonna be decently okay but doesn't remember the last mercury retrograde and that doesn't mean much cause my brain just likes to block everything out at this point so oops. Found out some shit about my asteroids tho. Also mister basement ghost is named George. He seems pretty chill. He was watching me sleep the other night tho so I told him to stop cause he's not my dad. I still don't know what he wants. At least I made progress and he spoke enough to me to tell me his name. Like hey sir you realize you are dead and that I only know what you tell me right so please why are you here are you lost do you need to tell me or someone else something? Are you just chilling near the closest person who can pick you up? Were you and Matt chill buds too? I mean come on man I need more than just your name and idk the next time I'mma get to talk to Amanda to ask her if the name George means anything to her. Don't be a twit okay? Okay.]]
Positive vibes sent.
I got the cleaning job, finally. I start working with my aunt at first, then I'm by myself. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. She called me today to tell me the good news. I know this is a once in while job, but it's making me a little money no less and I can't complain.
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Well everyone, Mecury is gonna go into Retrograde so pretty soon here I will be off my goddamn rocker. And it's in fucking pisces season of ALL SEASONS. Your virgos and gemini signs gonna get fucked too. My romantic and work life is gonna get hella rekt. Neon gonna have to watch me break down 728196 times this season lolololol.
Send me positive vibes thansks
[Center [size10 That feeling when you realize today was actually Monday and Caleb was fucking off todaaay. Fuck. Damn. All this day wasted without talkin to my boo.]]
[Center [size10 When everyone is pretty sure [i he] is back and even just the profile makes everyone cringe. Kek yeah ES may still be toxic but I mean- atleast we don't talk like we just stepped out of a fuckin medieval anime. Do you- do you think that makes you sound cool or- yknow- nevermind mate, you do you and we'll just keep cringing ourselves to death.]]
I don't know how, but I hurt my back and the pain is literally spreading to my shoulders. I'm going to be out of commission for a few days and if it starts getting worse, I'll finally swallow my pride and go see a doctor.
[center [size10 how dare you steal from me. Wasn't the things I left behind enough money for you? I don't owe you anything anymore. You took $100 while using a card you knew wasn't yours. I wasn't even in the state anymore. What sucks for you is that I'm not going to just let karma handle this and leave it be. I didn't report it lost or damaged, I reported it stolen. The company my card is under doesn't fuck around. They themselves can prosecute. They're sending me a new card and fraud paperwork to fill out. You thought you had it bad when I left? Guess again, I don't know how much time someone gets for credit card fraud but have fun with whatever comes of it. You should have never touched that card. You should have just ignored it or given it to xephy but instead you decided to be greedy. I was going to send you money once I got on my feet and could afford it but since you wanna steal from me you can forget it. Have fun with whatever comes of your life. I'm not apart of it anymore.]]
[center [size10 in other news I moved into the basement yesterday. Everything is good so far and I got to make up some sleep before going back to work tomorrow. This place is a nice little set up and it's nice to have a place all to myself that I can easily relax in. Definitely need to acquire some more small furniture but outside of that I don't need anything too crazy. I do think I might get some night lights though. I'll prolly Beed a fan or two for when it get close to summer. There are vents down here but none in the bedroom.]]
Something about animu girls with pastel hair and boys with white hair that fucking get to me.
The day has been long and I miss my boy.
My "gift" may have just been a kid thing. After all, kids are gifted with "sight" until they mature... it's a common concept amongst different cultures.
Oh well. Faith sees something in me I obviously cannot.
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b I could write a poem about how you've left me,
But we know that's not the truth.
It is so obvious, when I plea,
Who was the one who left as a dead beat.
"I'll be home tomorrow"
Something that sounds reassuring but turns hollowing.
It was I who got up and shut the tele off.
After months of static, pretending a show was on.
Or that's what I wanted to see.
I wanted to play, in my safe space, with you,
Some people out grow their clothes,
You just outgrew me.
You didnt toss me aside, no.
You simply just let it all go.
I should have seen it coming. It happened once,
No question it should again.
But I saw what I needed.
And I needed my friend.
I cry over the past of something that only existed
Like a spark of fire
A budding of a seed
The crack of a robin's egg
For a moment life seemed to take place.
But the burning dies
The sprout grows too thirsty
And the chick grows weak
Then life takes what it gives.
Without all the fancy words, I guess,
All I have to say is I must reap what I sow.
And what's gone is something I can't get back.
But it was for the best.
For I am just the Five Of Cups.
DP, but I couldn't care less.
I'm genuinely excited about starting my herb and aromatherapy garden! I just started my germinatination process and I'm experimenting with three different germinating techniques. One takes thirty to forty days, but hopefully it works. Lavenders are one of the hardest plants to grow from seeds, but damnit, I'm determined to grow something. I'm trying to grow three types of lavenders and sage.
Why is that I let you vent, but when I need time to mourn, you call me childish for not wanting to be a part of your drama and pick your, you leave? You even tried to manipulate the situation and make it seem like I did something wrong. You seemed very offended when I said I'm going to see an actual therapist and a grief counselor. Sorry, but I need help. I need help to move on and grow as person. I don't need someone who blames other people for their problems. I was once that person, I don't want be her again. She's was gross human being and an e-ho. I don't want that type of negative attitude and attention again. You're doing nothing but blaming me, Justin, and everyone else who actually cared about you hell for not wanting to pick sides. Grow up. A neutral side exists and I'm staying on it. I'm done with the negativity and being positive to combat it is helping.
[center [size10 I think I've finally realized why it's been so impossible to get to sleep at night. Why despite my best efforts, despite being genuinely tired, I'm only able to sleep once my body shuts down and I feel too physically run down to stay awake any further.
I don't want to leave without them.
Sure, I'm well put together and I handle change better than anyone else here. Stress, change, hardships are all handled so much easier by me, usually I get upset for a minute or two and then move on like nothing happened.
But this.. this isn't like those times. People talk about having these walls that they wait for someone that can break them down. I don't do that. My walls always remain, just sometimes.. only sometimes I'll toss over a rope for someone to climb the wall and join me on the other side. My walls remain and I have no reason to take them down.
Yet soon, a hand will come crashing through and ripping them away from my security, my reach, and a gaping hole will be left in it's wake. I'd like to say with some bricks and cement, I could patch it together. But I'm unsure of whether I'll be able to or not.
No one is surprised when I say I don't care. But what about when I do?
What about when I care so god damn much for the person that first climbed that wall like it was nothing? He invaded my space and ripped the feelings and emotions I didn't know I could feel right out of my chest.
While I could distance myself emotionally when we were long distance.. keep myself at arms length so I didn't let myself swept away by him too terribly.. but in person.. for the first time I fell victim to [i him] and that was it. Opening me up to a world so new, so terrible. I fucking hate being like everyone else. I was so much more content, so comfortable being the guy that couldn't feel. Emotions, feelings, attachments.. it's all so shitty and yet love, relationships.. they're held on such a pedestal. I couldn't and still don't understand the appeal.
My life was so much better when it was just me, no attachment for others. There was no happiness, no joy, no excitement really, but there was also no hurt, no pain, no disappointment, no anger, no sadness, no fucking hopelessness. It was so fucking nice. I have experienced both, and while I would rationally say that living life feeling nothing was so much better, this stupid heart in this stupid body that isn't even mine paints a different picture. I despise that picture more than anything. I want to go back to being unfeeling so badly..
Yet the desire is there.. To protect, to possess, to keep, to maintain what I somehow have with this person. I don't want it. Any of it.. And yet I do.. Because I'm here now, I do.
I'm burdened with this continuous struggle every day. Keeping hold of enough of myself to remain as unfeeling as possible while still trying to care for people that I care for. How the hell have I kept it all together for so long? To keep them close and not lose myself? Well, I've struggled enough to nearly lose it all many times. I can't count the amount of times I've been a single step away from either walking away from them to maintain who I am, what I am. And also from stepping away from who I am, who I enjoy being, to maintain what I have with them.
I always end up somehow holding it all together by the skin of my teeth. But what do I do with this? This isn't my choice to stay or walk.. My hand is being forced to part from them. From the life I've grown used to living for a year now. I just started learning how to coexist with how I was and how I am now. To coexist with feeling nothing, but under it all, choosing a few in which I can yet feel [i something].
When I'm taken from them, when our eyes meet for the last time in person, will I break? Will I snap fully back into what I was? Unable to feel for anyone, even them? Will the desires of this body finally be too weak to fight against who I really am?
I just started enjoying life being how we wanted it to be. And because of someone that cares more for herself than her own child, our whole worlds, our contentment, our happiness.. is going to fizzle out into nothingness.
I want to bring him with me, into our future, into what we've been planning for years. These sides have been through so much hell to get to this place. Because of that woman. And now that we thought we had it all figured out, she's here again to make sure we don't.
The start of our future may have just been the beginning of our fall. If I feel myself begin to break, I can't stop myself from going back. For once, I am truly and genuinely sorry. I've fought off every desire to let go of you.. But if I were to break from this, I wouldn't be able to fight it back again.
What a dream, to be able to pack our things together with smiles on our faces, knowing we finally made it. But dreams like those are useless. In a month it will be back to how it was before. Wanting to think one day we'd be together living life in person again.. but having less than hopeful expectations. Wondering what will break first, this connection or his mother's will to keep you miserable. Unfortunately though.. I've always been amazed that you and Caleb are somehow still with me after all this time. And this time, I'm not sure how far my faith in a fantasy will carry my end of our connections
I just want to not feel again, if just for a moment.
I just want to sleep.]]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.