[Center It's not a façade that you'll get burned by me.
It's not just me pushing people away.
It's me trying to explain to the public I'm not well, I'm not together.
And when you try to understand who I am you'll find I'm so cruel and selfish.
I don't passively love, no. I'm stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.
I can't explain it. But I know with all of my being that it's because I'm unwell.
I'm so unhappy with no reason to be, I was born with a defect.
My family all thought if they shamed me it would guilt me into realizing what I have is amazing.
I see it, it is truly amazing.
But it didn't make this feeling go. I never knew all my life I was struggling with this.
And I see now that their "tough love" is just so toxic. It's so harmful.
And I grew up breathing it, thinking it was normal.
Hurting myself over the sharp words they drew.
As I grew, I realized I wasn't as okay as I thought I was.
There was so much fuckery going on in this noggin,
It couldn't even realize what was happening.
I was always a dark person, and I never thought much on it.
The gloomy subjects lured me in.
I thought I was just different.
That's not true at all either.
There are so many people who struggle like me,
So many people who cope better.
So when I say, "stay behind the yellow lines" please abide.
Because my snarls are something I haven't tamed.
Like a virus, I poke and prode at the weakest points.
It curls inside and boils until you've had enough.
A feverish anger and it's what I wanted, you to know how I feel.
I feel suffocated by all life. I feel caged in company.
As a child it's all I ever wanted, but I realize now I like my affection on terms.
Before I bathed in it. Learning to be content with my own solitude,
I can't stand the arms that cling tightly to me.
I'm dangerous because I hate people. I'm dangerous because I love people.
My emotions are immense and quick, they're energized-they're frantic.
I'm not cute, no, I'm not a pet you can keep and show to the world.
I'm a person who is just hard to comprehend.
Oh, and people aren't charity cases. I "tolerated" you because that's what adults do. They bite their tongue and they smile. I shower my friends with help because I know they need help. And I will in any way possible. What you were given? It was not kindness. It was me filtering my toxic thoughts and traits. Which is so very hard to do. But I did it for me. Because being near you, my, it repulses me.
This letter isn't a sweet whisper to you, it's to remind everyone who thinks they can befriend someone who says they don't want your company that it's in your own best interest to move along. It's not playing hard-to-get. It's me telling you I'm very disinterested in investing energy on someone who I more than likely will loathe. And to heal I need to learn to love and let go. I dont need more reasons to become toxic.
[center [size10 I want to just point out that there is a lot of suicide talk and mental instability talk lately and I understand venting dear God do i but after a while it goes from good intended venting for your own benefit to something that could actually trigger someone. I just attempted suicide a week ago and the first couple things I see after I leave the hospital when I go to check on others is stuff about hurting others or themselves or using song lyrics to convey how someone feels that basically talks about suicide being used in petty means. I'm not meaning to come off as a dick or insensitive or overly sensitive or to say that you can't vent that stuff it's just when is it venting and then when is it just making it into your "thing" I know being a teenager is hard I know its normal to have a tendency to want to just go full ham with the dark thoughts but sometimes you have to realize just how bad you're doing and deal with it and stop making it all you are. I don't want to see someone who might actually hurt themselves just talking on a role play site about it instead of actually going to the hospital. I have been in and out of them since I was 13. I haven't been okay in fucking years. So if you sincerely think you need help please get it otherwise please stop making such a fuss over it. I don't like saying that about anyone with mental illness but when you're starting to talk about harming others or harming yourself that's when you need to start looking at some serious help. If shit is really THAT bad don't just make it some aesthetic on the internet please. That shit isn't a joke and coming from someone who knows what is going on in your head there's nothing bad about getting the help you need and there's nothing wrong with you that you can't work through if you're willing to. It takes a lot of trust in yourself and the healthcare professionals.]]
[center [size10 also fun fact talk of drugs can horribly trigger someone who has dealt with substance abuse for at least 10 years. One mention of smoking a certain drug from a co-worker tonight can make me crave it so horribly and he had the same problem. As soon as he mentioned it he suddenly wanted to smoke some too. Drugs aren't a joke kids and to be honest the amount of people I've met up here since I moved who have dealt with it and the people who were in the hospital and the types of drugs they'd abused didn't make me feel so strange. Mentioning drugs I'd abused and them actually knowing them was strange and finding out about drugs I didn't know about was an educational experience as well. What else was nice though was knowing that addiction is a slippery slope for anyone with substance abuse issues. All it takes is one time or doctors fucking up and giving you a medication that is flagged on your shit as a known addiction. Knowing that most people who deal with it are actually beautiful people who just let there addictions beat them down into something else. There was always some kind of stigma to it and I used to hate admit even comte playing going to AA or NA meetings but at this point I refuse to let myself feel ashamed for my addictions because fighting this many years even with recent relapses I'm fucking trying and fighting to make myself be whole and stable the proper and healthy way. I hate that I can't even chance smoking weed right now due to my medications or chance even one drink with out the possibility of relapsing but if I have to cope with out self medication to stay alive I'll fucking do it. I got shit to do no one overdoses as many times as I have and survived without there being a purpose.]]
[https://youtu.be/-dQnXExTp2w Who gives a fuck about my nightmares...yeah..]
[center [size10 if my mental health would stop sending me to the ER to get needles shoved into my arms that would be a beautiful thing. At least I know what I dealt with tonight was a legit panic attack and will soon have emergency medication to take for it. I used to be on the kind of stuff back when I went to the doctors enough and had insurance but I kind of just figured it was my caffeine intake. Turns out I was incorrect. No wonder I felt so all over the fucking place. All my disorders were prolly setting of chain reactions with each other.]]
Deleted that post.
I just needed to get that off of my shoulders.
[Center [size10 "It's me and Juko. Ride or die. Nothing will separate us."
Cut to the separation and now we can't stop hearing about it. Youch.]]
[Center [size10 This is why I never believe in the children who say "It'll never end." Or use the word "Forever."]]
[Center [size9 Of course, you say some shit like that.
"Ask no questions and you'll get no lies."
But why don't you turn your cheek and blind your eye?
Let it fucking go.
Bend my knee to give away my life.
Bite my tongue and close my eye.
I won't take it cause you've got Hell to pay.
But your words don't make any goddamn sense anymore.
What would your mother say?
Your faith you have immured.
So don't try to tell me what you fucking believe.
Because you're hypnotized, can't see the signs.
I'd like to help you but I don't wanna get hurt.
Oh wait, you just want a pity party.
So pity me you fucking bastard, I don't want to feel bad for you.
Just to get with you again.
And do a complete cycle.
Made up your mind and now your fucking blind.
I guess it's easier than making mistakes.
Don't ask me why when I roll my eyes at the answer.
Don't come crawling back to me when you break down Juko.
"Cause you dug yourself into this hole by yourself."
You make me wanna slit my own wrists and play in my own fucking blood.
You make me wanna kill myself just for the fucking fun of it.
[center [size10 Getting stoned was the best decision of my life.]]
[center [size9 I got a feeling in my stomach and it just won't quit.
The roof is crashing in and the truth is spilling out.
Oh shit, I've done it again.
Went way too far in all my years.
My alligator blood is starting to show.
It's so much worse on the way back down.
I'm so fucked up.
All I see is the ground.
[center [size10 I always wonder why the fuck I come back here.]]
[Center [size10 If I sing along, a little fucking louder to a happy song, I'll be alright.
'Cause every now and again we get that feeling.
When the big hole inside us opens up.
[center [size10 neon back at it again with a psychotic break. Kind of took a bunch of pills. Screamed at a wall or two. Found out it's mostly my bipolar and that while unmedicated I'm horribly unstable and an extreme risk to my own safety and life. I'm on my medication and have to work towards getting health insurance and then next step is going to be seeing a therapist because after tonight I've learned I'm still unstable mood wise and I know that it isn't my bipolar it's my borderline personality disorder. That irritates me though because it makes me feel like I'm still unstable and shouldn't be allowed to be out in general population.]]
[center [size10 alas I am already scheduled to work tomorrow after just getting out of the hospital about 12 hours ago but I'm happy about that because it means just going back to my usual routine and hoping everything works out better for me mentally because if I keep having these psychotic breaks I will wind up killing myself.]]
[size10 little fucked up right now. emotionally.
Found out this psycho bitch was planning on killing one of my close friends, and a few of my bf's friends.
I'd love to believe that humans aren't cruel but well. This proves that they are. not all humans, blah blah blah. Still fucked up that someone would actually plan on killing someone that was their friend. Or at least someone that y'know. hung out with them and shit.
I dunno. not much else to say , just kinda. upset lol.
at least widowmaker finally getting a christmas skin. only bright point to this week.]
[center [size11 The world is a small place.
Because I know there is someone, somewhere
Praying for me to come home,
Whether it's even someone online
Or if it's one of my friends.
Or if it's my crush.
There is someone, somewhere praying for you to come home too.
[Center [size10 Nobody cares anymore about you.
Ain't you nothing but a liar?
A filthy, low-lying, motherfucking liar?
All you want is attention,
You are the boy who cried wolf,
When you really actually need help,
Nobody shows up.
I left you because you can't just sit there.
I might've cheated but what's the point of love?
It's just to use people because why in the fuck have I ever, [b ever ] loved you.
Yeah, Sheffield, England.
That's where we met, I remember that disabled kid who was murdered by John, Peter, and Rebecca.
You don't remember because you never cared about me at that point.
That kid... He was Terry, my best friend.
Ain't ever remember you crying for him.
Because ain't you just a narcissist?
You don't feel [i [b fucking ]] anything.
Because you are a fucking whore for attention.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.