Well, i feel like a bitch.. my boyfriend's grandfather just died and all I could say was ''im sorry..'' I didn't know what else to say but sorry... I feel like the worst girlfriend ever.. I can't be there to comfort him and the only way I can be there for him is through texting because I have to hide us together from my parents because i just went through a breakup about 6 or 7 months ago... I just want to tell them about it but I'm scared.
[size09 the truth is, I’ll always miss you. I still think about you daily. I still cry. my mom asks about you at times. about how I feel. the answer is still the same; I’m sad. I know it’s my fault, that things are as they are, for not being more open and honest, but I’m not mad at myself either. I miss you, but I know I need to get me to a place where I genuinely like myself. I hope you’re doing well, I really do. I don’t let myself check on you because it isn’t my place anymore. I somewhat doubt you’ll read this but well. I just wanted you to know, on the off chance you do. It doesn’t mean much and that’s ok. I’m just tired of pretending like I don’t miss you at all. I’m tired of pretending like I’m ok when really, I end up crying if I dwell on it too long. I’m just so very tired.]
I care even though twitch is the most toxic site for content creators.
Don't know if anyone gives a shit or not, but my friend is trying to become a twitch streamer. It'd be dope if you guys could check him out, not gonna force anyone of course.
-Sigh- Well here I am again.. Last night I found out that everyone at school is against me. I don't get it I tried so hard to make you happy last year. I don't know why I even tried with you when I knew I had someone better in the corner the whole time I had been with you should have been with him. Oh but then you have the nerve to tell me off and accuse me of spreading rumors? Oh sweetie no I don't play that game. I am old enough to understand stuping to that level doesn't help any it just makes you feel like trash. It breaks my heart to know that you still don't give a shit about what m and you had. It meant nothing to you. Well just know now I'm in a happy relationship with someone who always takes my side no matter what is happing. You lost the best thing that happened to you. I hope you and your new chick do well because you'll never get to break my heart again.
I wanna kick over my goddamn desk in my room. Like I'm so pissed off someone didn't even give Call of Duty Black Ops: Cold War a Fucking chance to breathe. They and their virgin loser friends spent the first 2 hours of release immediately beating the Die Maschine Zombies Easter egg. THEN HAD THE NERVE TO HAVE THE IDEA OF STREAMING THEM BEATING IT, THEN FUCKING UPLOAD IT TO YOUTUBE WITH NO FUCKING THOUGHT IN THEIR VIRGIN BITCH BOY MINDS THAT SAID "Hey, Maybe we shouldn't be a beta cuck and upload this. After all it is new and even though we beat the easter egg we should wait until tomorrow." BUT NO THEY DIDNT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK! Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LITERAL LOSERS.
I fucking hate people that do this bullshit, they get soo fucking doucebag like and do bullshit like this. And listen...I couldn't give a possible,single ounce of fucking care on who completed the easter egg first....But what I care about is having the audacity to upload gameplay of you beating it within the first 2 hours. Like I fucking hate this bullshit. I feel bad for those who cant buy it right away because as soon as they buy the game to beat it themselves Guess what? Someone else already beat it in world record time with 2 fucking hours.
Like bro the last easter egg in Call of Duty:Black Ops 4 Zombies took 8 hours to beat on release! And that was the fastest time over fucking all in Zombies history. ALL OF ZOMBIES HISTORY. ALL OF IT. I'm literally pissed...I want these people to actually suffer, I want their game to crash and their ps5 to fuck up so that their console gets a virus and not fucking work at all. I hope Playstation Network bans their ip. I HOPE AS THEY DRINK JUGGERNOG THEY GET DOWNED. LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT KID, YOU MUST HAVE NO LIFE IF YOU WOKE UP THAT MORNING AND THOUGHT TO YOURSELF. "HeY ImMA Be A TotAL FUCkING ASSHOle AND BEat THe DIE MASCHINE EASTER EGG AND UPLOAD IT AFTER ITS BEEN OUT FOR ONLY 2 HOURS! I'LL BE SURE TO GET FANS!" Like holy shit dude....apparently they did this the day of the release which was last friday or something...but goddamn dude. I just found out about it today...I even have the Playstation 5 and Xbox series X now I also didn't even attempt to go for the easter egg first time around, all I did was play zombies a couple times to get a hang of the new playing style, dead ops arcade 3 because I love my dead ops arcade, and that is all. But hey other people were doing something better....right?
[center [#a80c00 ⌜ F U C K ⌟ ]]
Can I say I'm still fucking shaking because of this? Like I'm so angry! So let me get this straight from a dumb young mom seeing eyes. So it's chill to drink, smoke, dying her hair, buy makeup, and not give that money to your baby who isn't even a year old??? I made a post about this like a month ago on my Instagram but I haven't fully vented about this. An old friend of mine I guess? Is buying like make-up, alcohol, drugs, and like I'm hardly seeing anything about her baby.
It's really funny because she still trying to call me bro and stuff like that and act like nothing ever happened when she blocked me on Facebook and unfriended me on Snapchat. I didn't @ her by the way, like tagged in the story on Instagram. She just took it upon herself to think that my comment that I made was about her, which in all honesty it was this time. But I didn't name any names, and she completely did a 180 when she tagged me for the first time, and then she made videos explaining all this stuff and not mentioning my name. And goddamn did she keep reusing the phrase "hop of my dick." It was just so funny, because I sent her this long paragraph, and she might be getting mind fuck right now cuz her little brain is so small to even comprehend what I just fucking said to her. I stated that I did not tag her in any of my posts, that I could have been talking about anyone, it doesn't really matter in the first place because she blocked me on other platforms of social media, she came at me aggressively first, and in all honesty, I don't care.
To come at me like that with me not tagging her in my post means that she's extremely self-conscious of what she's doing meaning of probably what she's doing. Which is spending all her money on makeup and getting her hair done and not taking care of her baby, also she tries to throw a big bunch of big numbers in my face to make me look stupider, but she really hasn't shown me any receipts of anything so yeah. Still waiting for that. Unless she blocks me there too because she can't kind of handle the drip.
Like I wasted four years of my life trying to make this one-sided friendship work because I was still trying to be a good person and me and her use to have beef which I said I wouldn't bring that shit up anymore but Nah, she would tell people: "Yeah, he and I use to hate each other. He even used to call me schizophrenic and shit." like damn bitch no one needs to know that shit that because we talked our problems out? Like so much for pushing things under the rug. ANYWAYS: She said the reasons why she blocked me if because I was depressed? I would understand if she was depressed herself and shit like that and not wanting to see that, I really get that but like she wasn't? she said to my face that it was "annoying" to see that on her Snapchat all the time. Which she was talking about around the time my really serious boyfriend and I broke things off. Like me and him were going to move out together and shit, and he lied about not cheating on me and stuff like that. But like I was there for her???? And when I'm upset about that same thing but I'm not allowed to vent about it because it's annoying?
Talk about a bitch who only cares about herself.
Like she started saying things that my ex told me and I just got shot down about all my work with therapy and start getting super self-conscience on what I posted on my own social media platforms again. Like that, I'm toxic and negative and that I make everything depressing and sad setting, but like I don't trust a lot of people, so telling people this stuff means that I do trust those people... Like you physically cannot understand how much this has affected my ego, and how many times I cried to my friends about not being good enough anymore and that I'm a Debbie Downer and I can't do anything right. Like this extremely shotgunned any progress I had about anything because it was just a flashback of what my ex-boyfriend had told me, the day he broke up with me, me I mind you. Like no joke, I had called my therapist saying that I wanted to run away from it all while I was locked in my own bathroom for two hours. I was put on suicidal watch the first time over a boy which I thought, I was better than that.
But nope, anyways, she started talking to me like nothing like that fight ever happen because she knew she was at fault but still damn, I don't want to be friends with her so I'm not going to even try anymore. Fuck people.
- ａｓｈｔｏｎ ♡
I wish the world would just leave me alone sometimes and let me be. I mean, what's the matter if I like someone that's not the same race as me? I didn't know you had control over my love life. I didn't know you controlled my feelings or got a say in how I felt about someone. I don't give a damn how you were raised, and I don't care if you would prefer the person I have an interest in to be white. It's not gonna stop me, so who the fuck cares?
This is to all those I've ignored recently....I apologize I haven't been online as frequent as I normally am. I've just been feeling like a huge fucking piece of shit recently. Being constantly lied to by my ex....saying "I want you back" "I miss you" "Im sorry" Was all lies to hide her true intentions...What was her true intentions? To hurt me....both emotionally and physically. She called me over to her home as of last week on Friday and we were just normally talking....I asked to use the bathroom and she was gone when I came back. And this next part isn't fake in any way but before I could call out to her she had snuck up behind me with a knife in hand and cut me across my right arm and right side. It hurt like hell. I knew this bitch was crazy and even my friends warned me not to go back to her....but I should've listened. She tried to pin me down to finish the job but I had the upper hand....I kicked her off and bolted out of her house. I never looked back and ran straight home...the time was 6:00pm when this happened and during that time everyone is in their rooms doing their bullshit...I ran inside and ran straight to my room....I locked myself inside and passed out before gaining consciousness and going to my bathroom to take a shower. I took off the bloody shirt and used some gauze rolls to patch up my wounds...It wasn't fatal so I was fine. But I am sorry I haven't been online...everything hasn't been going my way recently. And I would rather figure out my own emotions before trying to be social y'know?
[left [pic https://i.ibb.co/qF1GBD0/250-BEBB2-03-F2-4-FA6-BCD9-C8376-D7-BBE33.gif]][center [size10 it’s been 5 days and my voice is still pretty fucking broken. Josh won’t let me talk over a whisper until it’s fully back. It’s not like he’d really do much about it if I did try to talk normally, he would just be upset and honestly I ain’t about that life. I honestly can’t wait for it to come back, having to just constantly whisper and the chances anyone will hear me at work being like 20% is pretty annoying and frustrating. I can’t work the window though and that’s a pretty nice thing. I’ve got to work full shifts on grill officially and managed to prove I can handle it even on our busier nights.]]
[center [size10 tbh outside of me having been sick for over a week and losing my voice lives been pretty okay I guess. My rent and bills are paid, me and Josh haven’t killed each other yet, and he actually finally got to cook for me since I know he’s been wanting to for a while now and since he lives with me now it’ll be much easier for him to do so. Heck the dude’s even said if at any point I need to take time off of work cause I’m sick he’d be okay with paying the full rent so I can. Will I ever actually take him up on it? Prolly not tbh, but it’s nice to have as an option.]]
[center [size10 also Halloween gonna be lit. It’s supposed to be me, valen, faith, and Kelly and some spooky movies together. I can’t wait to spend some time with them on the day of my most favoritest holidays.]]
insert a grimacing face here lmao
[center [pic https://imgur.com/LSrcBsT.jpg]]
These moments are the worst.
The silence of night as the dark surrounds this side of the hemisphere, the quiet when all my friends go to sleep yet I remain awake. Always awake... Watching the shadows grow deeper, more persistent, hungrier; carrying with them that which I dread the inevitability that I am once again [b alone]. With no one to talk to, to keep entertained, I find myself waning like the last rays of sunlight on the horizon, the last glimmer of light amidst the cold embrace of night. Dying out, dying endlessly where there's not a sound-save for me.
When I have no one left to talk to my mind becomes hateful and cruel, once a fountain of imagination, a flood of creative ideas now becomes taunting, spiteful, vengeful cascade of insults, anxieties and doubts. In the dark I am alone with thoughts that [i wound] me, gouging and ripping at my psyche, tearing down all that I had built up during the day. That makes it almost easier to return to harming, so well I have tried to put that part behind me, covered with the scars of my attempts and yet... Yet these thoughts are so convincing, conniving and cunning-it makes it so much easier to give in.
[i [b When there is no one left-but me-I feel like dying; would I then be at peace, at last...?]]
These moments... are the worst...
it's funny to think that you loved me but you didn't care. You wanted to use and abuse me. But you know what I have someone better in my life now and he will always be here for me no matter what. He waited a year to get me back yet you took my love for granted that long. You jumped to the next ''best'' thing after you left me alone. And its funny hoe the girl you moved on to was the one person who I thought was my best friend. Hahaha boy was I wrong. I hope you know Karma will come for you both also you never did deserve me and I know that know though I wish you left me sooner I would have been better off if you had.
[size10 genuinely, i'm at a loss. i feel like i'm not allowed to be myself around you, and like it's all i ever seem to get into trouble with you for.
we've talked for so long, and i don't want to let you go, but it's nearly every day now. it's a case of me existing as me, and then you being upsetted by it. i don't know what i'm doing wrong.
i just hope it resolves soon. i don't have the energy to be humoring this much longer..]
Haven't been able to stop thinking about you. You'd be telling me to go to sleep right now if I told I haven't been sleeping much for a while now. Funny, huh?
Anyway... I popped on here to vent. I haven't been doing so good. Extremely high levels of stress and chronic illnesses are a gross mix. I can't sleep. Eating makes me sick. My immune system is fucked up and confused. I lost another friend. Suicide is always fun to wake up to, isn't it? Everyone is trying to act normal, but everyone is pissed off at the guy who drove her to that point. My family is in distress after my aunt had a near fatal stroke. Hurricane Sally fucked my house up. Bills are a bitch to keep up with.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.