Today... was a day.
I tried to play Bloodborne but PSN was all... "aye, homie..... no."
But when I went to play Don't Starve Together people could play all willy nilly. Like.... bro. I could chat with other people and everything.
I bought a wig and a shirt for my cute Ghoul oc. She has really fucking pricey and picky tastes. But I'll have to settle with my white lace dress. And my "holy shit its a triangle omg so hipster cant breathe ahhhh fucking triangle" shirt that is totally casual wear for my cute model. I have a flatter face than she does and I'm not AS chubbs as she is, but my online model bone, chewing, ghoul babu is coming to life. And I'm so excited.
I love you. I don't know how else to put it. And I don't want to freak you out, so I am hesitant to even say it, but that's how it is. I can only ever think about you, and worry about how you are doing. And want to talk to you all the time. Or see you. or whatever. I don't even know. It's frustrating. It's deep. It's real. And I don't know what to do about it.
I know you can't love me. That's fine. Everyone around here is in love with you and I hate all of them for it. But you would probably be better off with one of them anyway. I know you hate me and I only cause you pain and I am sorry. I know you would prefer it if I would disappear forever but... the only thing keeping me from fucking doing that is, I have to be around in case something happens. In case I need to swing in and help or save you, because I will always be there, lingering in the background, not interfering so I don't make your life any worse but always around in case you need someone.
I would do anything for you. I'd do anything to make you happy. I don't even care about my own happiness as long as you feel happy or satisfied or whatever. And I am broken, you know I am. So this is hard for me to admit, and I know it just seems like a word dump, but... I have been thinking about what to say for ages. I don't know. I want to be protected by you, and I want to protect you. I understand you, and you know I do, and it freaks you out. And you understand me, and that scares me more than anything. I don't deserve to be understood, or loved. But you do. You deserve everything in the world that is good. I can't say that enough.
And it hurts. And it is wonderful. And it is you. And you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, or talked too. You are lovely inside and out. And you deserve to be loved. And I get that you are never going to want me to be the person you fight for or who fights for you. I lost my chance a long time ago and I will never forgive myself.
I will just say it now so you don't have to wonder or hear any stupid ass gossip from anyone else. I don't care about anyone but you. They can all rot. I hate myself and I hate the whole world. But I love you. I love you. I love you. And that is all I know, probably all I will ever know.
.•° ☆ °•.
It seems like I say this too often but it feels so real. It feels like I sincerely am incapable of loving someone. I mean. I [i feel] love but I can't show it. Instead it's like something possesses me and anger takes over. How could anyone ever love me..?
I guess since today is my day off, I'll just.. avoid thinking about it and binge play games lol
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnrGMHhnqrw]
[size12 I can't escape the ghost of you]]
[size10 [center [+lightpink ❤❤❤]]
black cat d.va is new babe , and you can fight me if you gonna try and discredit my love of d.va
I'm gonna love tf outta her and no one gonna stop me .
[center [+lightpink ❤]]
in other news, [+lightpink you're] on my mind, and you probably shouldn't be. idk.
I've just been unhappy lately. Work has me both angry, and tired as hell.
I'm just so tired of being treated like hell at work. I'm in uni, and my manager still has me working 10 more hours than anyone else that is in uni. It's obnoxious, and I don't want to work 30+ hours a week. Schooling is more important than my work, at this moment. I'm so sick of being burned out because of work. It isn't even school at this point. It's work.
I'm also sick of breaking out and having to go to the doctor because of something at work. I'm just downright sick of work, haha. New job hunting needs to happen soon, because I can't handle staying at this job for much longer. I'm tired of the disrespect and being treated like shit. The owners give no shits, about the store, or its workers. They manage it so poorly, break so many rules, and are just cheap as fuck. I've never hated a workplace as much as I do this one.
anyways, time to go be angry elsewhere, lol. maybe on overwatch, idk. I'm just feeling gaming tonight.
. •° ☆ °• .
You fucking manipulative cunt. You self loathing, despicable, worthless piece of shit.
Goddamn manga always fucking stirs me the fuck up lol.
If this girl don't hop off my girl Kirana I'm gonna fuck a bitch up.
[center [youtube https://youtu.be/SCvTC3hasdU]]
Ohoho!!~ There's gonna be several changes, best of luck during the balance shifting!!~
[center When you watch supernatural with the fam and have a real good cry cause blood family ain't shit. Kind of wanna punch so many people but also cry cause fuck life is stupid I hate it.][center not to mention I gotta stop drinking dark sodas now cause mmmm it fuels that good ol kidney pain. Gotta stick to light sodas, tea, and water. No more come for me fml]
Mania is a fucking bussy bop.
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH4dSwoZ-D0]]
[size10 [i [u "I wish you were here to see me now.. And how I've grown.."]]]
[size10 [i "This makes me think of my nana all the time.. I still miss her.. I loved her so much, I had a dream today of when Bryan, her and I when bowling, she didn't want to play until the end, she was trying to show me how to get a strike and I had to hold her hand down the lane because she wasn't wearing bowling shoes. I still laugh about it until this day. Shedding one tear. I love you nana, and I hope you're happy in heaven.. There isn't a day I don't think about you.. I still have that video on my phone! We were laughing about you pretending to be an old woman, while you were in an wheelchair asking for a cane~ It was super funny, I watch it when I feel like I need to hear your voice to get me through most days. I still have old messages on my phone and I just read them to make me smile to know you worried about me and loved me.. "
"I loved you.. I should of showed it.. I should of.. I'm sorry for being such a pain in the neck, but I want you to know, I never meant it... You know the old saying, you never truly love someone until their gone.. I believe it, one-hundred percent. Because I still cry about how I want to feel your warm hugs and sweet kisses, and how I missed when you would sing happy birthday to me.. I missed it when you would cut my hair and dye it for me. I missed how you would smile and take pictures of my biggest successes in life. How you would cheer me on.. You were always rooting for me to be a bigger person in life, and I look up to that.."
"I use to blame myself, all the time, and a dark place in my mind still does.. But I know it's not true, I treated you right the last seconds of me ever seeing you again.. I helped you get changed, I even called the ambulance when you told me you were going to be fine, I didn't believe you were.. And I was right, I didn't believe you because I loved you and I was scared of losing you, and in the end.. I still did.. But it's okay, your not in pain anymore.. Your in heaven with god checking out Conway Twitty, and having a chit chat with Elvis. But you're also looking after your babies, even mom."
"I may speak from all of our family. We miss you, and we loved you so very much, and it's not fair you were taken so soon.. But we understand, we just wanted you to know we cared, we cried, and we miss you still. I love you so very much, and Bryan and I understand you couldn't make it until we graduated, and we forgive you. Because you have business in heaven, but you didn't miss it. Your watching over us.. In may nana, I have a seat saved for you. I love you. ❤❤❤❤"
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NR7-n-D2HhA]]
[center [size10 Okay, so whatever is on the other side of that fence on that old man's property needs to fucking chill. I know you don't like me walking on the driveway, I can feel that shit 100% that's why I try to speed walk past as fast as possible. Idk what tf you are or what you want but I just want to take the kitten out or smoke a cigarette with out having to be on high alert. If there's one thing I hate about having moved it's that I've started noticing more shit like this and I don't like the feelings or the even seeing the partial shit I do.]]
[center [size10 Oh well the life I lead is one where I'mma just see and feel this shit since my great grandmother had to mess with shit she shoulda left well enough alone.]]
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