When your anxiety tells you that they don't really want you around. That your fiance is better off without you, you've only made things worse for them.
That maybe your grandmother was right....but you arent pretty anymore. That you look ridiculous.
"I don't regret you. You mean the world to me."
Hearing you say that eased all of my worries. But my anxiety is still eating at the back of my mind.
[Center [I You're not worth it. You're not worth anything.]]
I adore you all so much and I'm selfishly clinging to the hope that I'm wrong.
[center [size10 is it true that life boils down to living out of spite eventually?]]
[center [size10 i've thought about mom a lot today. it's not healthy for me to be thinking of her this much. and i bet i know why she's on my mind so much lately.]]
[center [size10 i don't miss home. i never did, not since the moment i started running away. since the beginning of this mess.]]
[center [size10 and a part of me feels guilty for it. but the truth is, no matter how much i wish that it were the case, she never truly loved me. i need to keep it in mind.]]
[center [size10 keep in mind that she viewed me as a tool and as something disposable. from the moment i was born i was seen as nothing more than a mistake.]]
[center [size10 "i will prove her wrong."]]
[center [size10 there's nothing to prove. no matter what i do, to her, it's a failure. i don't have to prove myself to anyone, especially her or dad.]] [center [size10 my family is more than "dysfunctional," it's not cute or silly like a sitcom. it was my personal hell living with them. my brother, my sisters, my mother and father. i have night terrors about them.]]
[center [size10 i need to let go of my fear. but it's hard when they're the cause of my worst mental illness.. but i'm confident in my abilities.]]
[center [size10 i've survived until today, after all.]]
[center [b [#F291CF ♡]]]
[Center [pic http://68.media.tumblr.com/51f333bd7925047bda5cb7b389be2d83/tumblr_omws4klR2i1rxe51eo2_540.gif]]
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b Shit has been good.
Honestly. So. Good.
Granted, Ryan [u fucked] me over more ways than I thought he did, and it has come to bite me in the ass, but it is solved. And I got to aggressively tell him he's shit. And my wonderful boyfriend got to put him in his place too. <3
We're tag teaming Nioh and honestly it's great.
I work with some kids he doesn't like, but I think they're fun to be around.
I lost some resoect for them, sure, but they're still people.
That I work with.
My head hurts.
And I honestly hate fast food so much. Worsens my anxiety and depression.
But it's okay.
I have him.
And Neon, and my mom-even tally and rye.
They really keep me going.
And after my nightmare today, it really showed me who is important to me.
They're my treasures.
God bless them.
[center [size10 Finished the semester! Woohoo~ I'm hyped! My birthday is officially now in one day and I'm feeling pretty damn good : ) Ahh, it's so nice to not be stressed out. Positive vibes, optimism and all!]]
[center [size10 I'm happy! Just gotta really grind for this new Mei skin because it's soooo adorable, buzz, buzzzzz!]]
I never got to say it yesterday...but I appreciate my friends. I adore them so much.
I was so sad but just moments with them I felt better. I am so happy he joined my RP and I got to meet them. <3
Not to mention I'm extremely thankful for William. He is an amazing man and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. At my worst he tells me I'm an incredible woman. That I'm beautiful and I matter.
[center I would be so lost with out him or my dear, dear friends.]
[center Thank you from the bottom of my heart.]
[google-font https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Josefin+Slab][Josefin+Slab [size18 [#424242 Hey you know what I hate? People who think they know shit. People who think they way they perceive things should be applied to everyone lolol no honey that's not how it works.
Some people make jokes about wanting to die cause it helps them cope. If you really think a lot of 'em are doing it cause they [i legitimately] think it's funny you're honestly a moron.
"If you gonna joke about it just do it" You're more of an asshole than the people who make jokes, you realize this, yes? Probably not.
Obviously people who do it to be "edgy" are insensitive and dumb because suicide and depression plagues a hell of a lot of people but you shouldn't just assume everyone who does it is attempting to be edgy. You could, you know, try to be nice enough to give people the benefit of the doubt because you don't know shit about what might be going on in their life.
I go through passive suicidal thoughts regularly. And when I actually [i did] attempt suicide? I was fucking shooting jokes left and right before and after. So come on, tell me I'm being edgy, that I'm not actually that depressed. Tell me how [b I] feel because you apparently know all.
Got to see mother fucking Metallica live. Even got a guitar pick from them. Gods, I'm so happy right now. All the shit stressing me from the past week is gone. This weekend was amazing. Going home tomorrow to my babe and I'm gonna spend the day relaxing. Then I'll go kick ass and look for a job. Things will get better, because I'm going to fucking make them.
[center [size9 I don't normally do this sort of thing...but today was rough. I need to vent.]]
It's been so lonely today.
I woke up late so I didn't even get to spend time with William before he left for work, lame as fuck. Not to mention I know my Wolf is out having fun and I'm very happy for him. I hope he's having a wonderful time, but I still miss him.
And She hasn't spoken to me in 2 days, even tried to message her earlier...but never got a response.
To ice the cake of loneliness, my family had a huge get together and....no one invited me. I had no idea anyone was even getting together until I saw all the pictures on facebook. Like....that really fucking hurts.
Ever since I moved out they have gotten together a few times and I only know because I see pictures of them all. Having fun, totally forgetting I exist.
[center I feel like a ghost to my own family.]
[size9 I'll just sit here and cry to myself. Pretty pathetic, right?]
You bring out this side of me more and more..it's been hidden for so long now because it's a waste of time giving it to idiots that say they "cared" but didn't. Jeez..this is so embarrassing. D-Don't go thinking anything stupid..! No one can get that close to me dummy
Also, every curry I've had here is amazing. But finding any decent fully cooked chicken is iiiimpossible. I just avoid all chicken sandwiches now --'
[center [size10 You really have spoiled me as of lately.. with these gifts~ today I got two in the mail and I was so happy, especially with the ring. I really appreciate it, you're so good to me and I'm so grateful.]]
[center [size10 Blessings.]]
[center [size11 pink ferragamo sliders on deck]][center [size11 silly rap beefs just get me more checks]][center [size11 my life is a movie, i'm never off set]][center [size11 me and my amigos [i ]]][center [size11 [i swish swish,] aw I got them upset]][center [size11 but my shooters'll make 'em dance like dubstep]][center [size11 [i swish, swish,] aw, my haters is obsessed]][center [size11 'cause i make m's, they get much less]][center [size11 don't be tryna double back]][center [size11 i already despise you]][center [size11 all that fake love you showin']][center [size11 couldn't even disguise you]][center [size11 [i ran? [b when?]] nicki gettin' tan]][center [size11 [i mirror, mirror,] who's the fairest bitch in all the land?]][center [size11 [i damn, man,] this bitch is a stan]][center [size11 [i muah, muah,] the generous queen will kiss a fan]][center [size11 ass goodbye, i'mma be riding by]][center [size11 i'ma tell my ----- biggz, yeah that's tha guy]][center [size11 a star's a star, [i da ha da ha]]][center [size11 they never thought the swish god would take it this far]][center [size11 get my pimp cup, this is pimp shit, baby]][center [size11 i only rock with [i [b Queens]], so i'm makin' hits with katy]]
[size10 [#5e0da5 Why? Why can't you just be proud of me for once. Why can't I be happy for once.... If it is not one thing it is another. When ever I have good new you find why to bring me down. I know you want what is best for me but why can't you just leave things alone.... I don't know how much more I can take of this before I am broken. Or perhaps I am already broken and damage beyond repair.
Why didn't you just get rid of me. I sure you think of it now. Since am such a screw up right?
I don't smoke...I don't do drugs. I work...but I don't work enough for you. So I tried to fix that. I might be getting a better job. Well there one other flaw I have. The one that just gets under your skin. I don't drive.
I hate it. I hate it so much. Why can't I just take this one step at a time? I get a great job then I work my ass off getting my drivers license. Then what? Then what will be the next flaw? What more of me do you dislike?
[Center [pic http://www.adultswim.ca/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/tumblr_nw3khgwsR71tjnfcso1_500.gif]]
[paprika [center [#a47f82 Mood asf
[Center [#ffa3d5 [Font "Times New Roman" My therapist stopped writing me prescriptions for these antidepressants I was taking, and as a result I'm having the weirdest mood swings intensified by a million. I decided to get some herbal gummies that quote on quote "promote positivity, and eliminate stress" but so far I ate like 5 and nothings happening. I just wanna fall asleep, and get this day over with already.]]]
[Center [#ffa3d5 [Font "Times New Roman" Just fix these dumb ass feels and let me get lots done tomorrow pls.]]]
[paprika [center [#a47f82 Even fucjing squidward is more considerate of spongebob than you are of me
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.