[Center [size10 Caleb and I celebrated our 1 year a few days ago. Now tbh neither of us actually know the exact date so we obviously are on the same page of not being on the right page kek. It's gone by so fucking fast and I still can't completely believe we work so well together. We are both a bit fucked up and he may be worried that his fuck up with ruin us. But I think now that it's been a year, he has hopefully gained a bit of realization that I'm not going anywhere. Of course we've had our small little upsets and shit, we're both sarcastic shits and it gets us in trouble occasionally but that also helps us not to take it so hard when we get what we give eachother.
This has been one hell of a year. You've gotten me into things I probably wouldn't have ever gotten into or back into if it weren't for you. Dnd is a blast, Gmod is fucking hilarious and my new kick, Ark. Also I'm glad there's atleast one of your friends I can get along with so you don't always choose me over them kek. Speaking of, I've been awake all night on ark and guess what? I'm bout to get back on again too. Ain't no sleep for the wicked. But aye, you fuck. I love you, dumby.]]
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/wV5Oihi.gif]]
[center [size10 I go from being sappy one second to a fucking smart mouthed brat the next I'm fucking amazing aren't I. But also that worries me cause YEET lowkey makes me worry that I might accidentally say something to upset you cause you might actually take it to heart when it's not meant to be. No matter what I say to you know I appreciate the fuck out of you and adore you please. I know the chances of you seeing this are extremely low because you never get on here anymore but the universe works in mysterious ways but, heart eyes and shit or something. I don't ever mean my bratty smart assed words as malicious. I'm just aggressive and it's how I show my love. I'll fight you and still tell you how great you're doing but prolly lose the fight cause boi idk how to fight just punch me in the face and call it good fight's over let's go home before they call the cops. Kay peace out.]]
[size10 look. so the job wasn't for you.]
[size10 not everything will always work out as planned, and not everything is your fault.]
[size10 it's rough to fail, but this one ain't on you.]
[size10 you tried. you pushed yourself past your limits. you told them over and over again what the issue was and nothing changed.]
[size10 it's a loss for them, anyway. as hard as i pulled my weight despite not being trained an inch i should be commended. geez.]
[size10 y'all really missed out. you really did.]
I was planning on going to bed early, due to having to be up early to work morning shift, but thanks to my beloved dog peeing on my blanket, I'll be up for another hour and a half.
What a great end to a relatively alright night. Not.
Ugh. I love my pooch, but it's frustrating when this happens. I get it though. When you gotta go, you gotta go. So I can't be too mad at him.
Well, time for a shower than to relax until I can finally go to sleep.
edit: babe got hbo so I can get caught up on game of thrones. what a damn cutie. ♥ he also saw a trash panda in the garbage. makes me happy.
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b FYI stuffing yourself full and then doing it within 8 hours again is not good for your body LMAO
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/sjvdSiw.gif]][center [size10 "I wish I could go to my doctor and get diagnosed with depression and anxiety"]]
[center [size10 I'm sorry what now? I missed some of the context to that line there but considering the people that worked tonight there are two possibilities both of which would make that incredibly fucking rude. One being the girl who was working front counter who has the most horribly annoying ass anxiety that it makes me want to fucking scream and yet I just try to ignore it because being a bitch and yelling at her wont make her feel any better. The other possibility is me, and my letter situation and the possible hospitalization. Again either is rude. Why would you want crippling anxiety to the point it would set someone else's off? And why would you want depression and poor coping skills to the degree you've been in and out of inpatient mental health centers since the age of 13 and question how and why you're alive on a daily basis? Yeah you're overworked, you did that to yourself with two jobs. I have to reformat how I deal with life to properly live it and the same could be said for the other girl, you can't just be like "wow those seem like easy outs" cause they really fucking aren't. It's constantly existing when you don't even want to anymore. You just want a vacation but also you still want your money. Please Mr. Krabs calm tf down.]]
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/sjvdSiw.gif]][center [size10 on today's episode of "is neon fucking okay???" Neon not tf okay my dudes. if they dont fix my God damn schedule I'm either quitting, getting partially hospitalized, or both cause this is stupid. How hard is it to understand that I have to have Tuesdays and Thursdays off every week and that I can only work a max of two days in a row but yet you got me scheduled so that unless you giving me Monday off next week then I'm working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday which adds up to 3 days in a row which would mean you're not following my rules in my little letter from my doctor. Which mind you he didnt tell you the full reasoning but he could have cause i originally gave him permission but since I found out I couldn't do partial hospitalization and work at the same time we had to change things. This is so you still have me as an employee but if you can't even follow it then I'll have to work somewhere else or leave indefinitely until I'm where i need to be mentally since no one here management wise wants to fucking listen to me about what I actually need even after I give them a note. but seriously I'm really not okay and I'm sick of just being painted pretty fucking pictures while I'm over here fucking drowning because they don't fucking reach me anymore I'm just beyond it anymore. I'm big ball of stress ready to unravel at any given moment and everyone is just letting me build and build and just slapping some pretty words on it. Don't worry I've managed to do this on my own before with out killing myself I can do it again. Did it last month I can do it again this month. Nbd.]]
[size10 what do i need ? a phone call and a hug. bad.]
[size12 You pretending to feel bad and like you're not going to have fun because we aren't hanging out is just funny at this point.
You don't care in the slightest. You just care that you get laid. Clearly your fuck buddy means more to you than my own comfort, and I'm not down for that. You do what you want, it's whatever. I'm just tired of fickle friends.]
[size12 Everything is chaotic, I wish it would calm down. I highly doubt that it ever will though, at the rate that things are going. Cutie and I have plans to go see It Ch. 2 this Saturday, so that's something to look forward to at the very least.
Forever hoping that life will get a little easier.]
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/sjvdSiw.gif]]
[center [size10 I dont even know my point of existing anymore. Is it just to literally build everyone else around my up and let myself just fall apart, because universe job well fucking done. At this point that's all I'm fucking good for cause the second it backfires and someone tells me to just stop it's like they just slapped me. I'm just here to pet everyone and boost their egos and make them feel pretty all while hoping and praying something horrible happens to me because by golly why tf would I deserve anything nice. All this work of trying to make sure I eat properly, and take care of myself, and all that fun healthy stuff is just a second away from my throwing it out a window, or even better it's a dollar or two away from me not being able to afford it. Who let me take care of myself because they were fucking stupid? 10/10 should go lay in traffic but no one will let me.]]
[size10 no matter what group of strangers i stand between, i feel like i'm the outcast. i don't feel like i belong no matter where i go. i always wind up standing out in the worst possible ways.]
[size10 i've never been a very lucky person. i figured i could make this work and could make myself proud off what i learn and earn from it, but in the end it feels ... pointless. i shouldn't be faulting everyone around me and i shouldn't be faulting myself for not catching on fast enough, but being the burden was the one thing i couldn't handle.]
[size10 i don't think i'm .. cut out for this. all of it.]
[size10 life's taught me time and again that being me is being the black sheep. i'm too sensitive, i'm too sick, i'm too incapable, i'm too unlovable. everyday it's just another reminder of that. that i, as a person, am never going to be enough.]
[size10 i wanted to live and breathe in a smile and be the beacon of light people could easily flock to, and yet ..]
[size10 here we are.]
[size10 it's fine, i guess. i'll .. figure it out.]
[size10 [center So I don't really have a need to be on es anymore other than perhaps an occasional rp post. I am wanting to do an rp with Setka or Desmond soon maybe, but otherwise this place has really slowed down. Go figure, having my partner here with me makes me not feel the need to come in journals to fuck with people cause now I've got other shit to do. Before I was just bored, now I'm always doing something or other.
Best part of everything going on lately has got to be our new rats. They're still very young, maybe two months old by now but they're already huge and will still get much bigger. I love these two. of course, reptiles are my jam but there's a sense of mutual benefit you don't get from reptiles. Sure, you get to provide and watch a beautiful animal thrive but reptiles really have no desire to interact with humans. These rats though, my god. Even just cleaning out the copious amounts of shit from the cage is a fucking delight. They run around my hands and popcorn excitedly. Try to steal the paper towels from my hands. They truly enjoy and crave to be with you and my god was that what needed after a room full of snakes that could care less where or what I'm doing kek.
They want to cuddle and love on us. The babies even groom us, little kisses on our hands and faces which means they see us as their little family. Agh.
We named the light one Eggo and the dark one Hopper cause we're Stranger Things trash. May also get two more rats in the next month or two. The breeder we got them from has like 4 litters just waiting to be added to our family. If we get them, their names will be Murray and Dart. Also just saying boy rat0s got some big ballnuts. There's no running or hiding from them.
Anywho, I've finished with my once in a blue Mun je post that no one asked for. Now instead of forcing my pics on everyone like I usually do, I'll link the pics of the [https://i.imgur.com/Ssj8uAy.jpg [size10 rat cage]] and [https://i.imgur.com/1bV5oTS.jpg [size10 my baby boy Hopper]]. Also shut up, their side thought soft baby pastel colors fit baby rats so pastels is what they got, don't look at me like that.]]
[size10 at some point you start to question your own sense morality. am i a good person, am i a bad person, am i somewhere locked in between despite my best efforts? am i getting smarter or dumber? why do i care?]
[size10 memories bring back a certain foul taste in my mouth. i worked my ass off to become something i can respect, but the past reminds me of what i've done, who i've hurt, and what i could've done to change that. does the fact that i consider those things make me different, or am i just reliving the guilt and that's the end of it?]
[size10 i've struggled. for ages. my entire life now has been nothing but fighting for the right to feel like a person, to earn my right to be imperfect and strive for a better me. i want to get past all the trauma and the haunting voices telling me i'm never going to be better than i was. it's hard to hear it, but i continue anyway. i just want to be someone others can love.]
[size10 and i want to apologize. i'm sorry for the pain i've caused. but the more i review, the less i see myself in the person that i was just a few years ago, or several years ago. there's no sense of self there, no reflection. it's like looking at a stranger.]
[size10 maybe that's a good thing. i know i've grown. i know my stubbornness has wavered and i'm able to genuinely say i'm sorry. i may have my reasons, but that doesn't excuse the way i used to behave.]
[size10 i'll keep growing. i'll evolve, adapt. i'll do whatever it takes to continue not seeing myself in who i used to be. i just pray that others see that difference in me, too.]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.