[center [size10 Honestly idk how much food Denisse is yeeting into Koisii's tank but every time I come home there is like a PILE of food in his tank that he hasn't touched. He doesn't need to be fed THAT much. He legit needs like two pellets once in a while and he's chill. There is no need for that much food to be sitting in his tank like that. No wonder his tank went from hella nice to gross so fast. But oh well, I guess I'mma have to drain the whole tank and do a whole like super duper clean on it. I also need to get new filters next paycheck, and idk what else I could get to help cut down on that shit from getting like that again, other than like just hoping that me not feeding him for a good for the times I'm not home will not effect him. He honestly doesn't eat all that much, compared to what I've heard from others who've owned his kind. Supposedly they're gluttons but he doesn't even want shrimp when I put it in there. He just kind of stares at it and then it will just make his tank gross so I gave up.]]
[size10 there are times when i think about whether or not i should forgive you or not. after a while of being apart from you, i try to psyche myself into believing the things you'd done to me weren't as bad as they actually were. when i heal, i start to believe that those mental illnesses i developed through the trauma you placed were all me just overreacting. but that's not the case at all, and i think you know that as well as i do.]
[size10 i was broken and left for dead for far too long for you to want to crawl back into my life now. you abandoned me, you hurt me, you mentally scarred me for life. it's not something i can just get over in a few years.]
[size10 a part of me resents you, but i still love you. it hurts me to miss you. it hurts me to think of leaving you alone with the pain of missing our dad and missing me. but my life is better without you in it, and that's just the truth.]
[size10 i always wanted a true, unconditional parental love, but i never received that. not from you, not from dad, and not from anyone else. i managed to raise me on my own, and i clearly have some issues and missing pieces to my puzzle as a result. but i'm fine. i'm more developed and mature than the majority of people i know that are my age.]
[size10 and i guess i have that to thank you for. my emotional maturity stemmed from the trauma you gave me. my strength is a result of facing my adversities and coming out alive and thriving. and that's largely in part due to you, too.]
[size10 i wish we would have had a better relationship. i really do. i think about it all the time, because i crave that sort of motherly love i never got.]
[size10 i don't want to reject you, but i can't let you in. i'm not strong enough to handle you yet. and hopefully someday soon i will be, and we can forgive each other and move past those things. i wish you'd just admit to your faults and understand what you'd done to me.]
[size10 when you send me voicemails wishing my happy birthday, it hurts. you nearly trick me into thinking i was crazy. but i wasn't. and i'm not.]
[size10 you can fool the people around me who don't know you, but you can't fool me. not anymore. not ever again.]
[size10 i love you still, mom. but i have to love you from a distance.]
Recently Ive been thinking about life, my existence...the existence of others. And the universes existence. And yes I may be religious and Christian but some answers cannot simply be answered by "It was jesus" or "God gave you that gift" As well as why certain disgusting people exist. Like karens...the entitled people that believes they deserve everything.
At work today I was working my morning til afternoon shift, and in the driveway a lady who wasn't wearing a seatbelt...aswell as wearing a racist shirt ordered. And as a employee I am supposed to give the customer their order and be polite. Fast forward to like 5 minutes later and this woman seen me, she was disgusted because I was African American. Her husband was as equal to her as a ton of feathers to a ton of steel. She spitted on my uniform before I could even hand her the meal. Pissed off I quickly gave the bitch her meal then stormed away.
Again fast forward to another 5 minutes later they came in and started yelling their heads off, that was until I was telling them a manager would assist them. Then out of nowhere her husband grabs me by the shirt and punched me in the jaw. I held up my anger into this point so I tackled the man and started throwing haymaker's at the bald bastard. I began to smile with each and every punch, although he had a fat stomach that looked like he was pregnant he had....some muscle. It took the other employee's 10 minutes to try and break up the fight before the man and woman were banned from the mcdonalds as well as head in court on the 21 of this month.
A highschool friend of mine passed away.
We lost her to suicide.
She was always posting, always so cheerful, always so positive. But that’s it, it’s always the ones you don’t expect. It’s the good ones, with the biggest hearts. The most intelligent minds.
What shakes me the most, is that I won’t be able to see her impact our community. She was a role model to me. She spoke about things I didn’t even bother voicing about. Because I always felt our community didn’t care. But she did. She cared so fucking much.
She was so strong. Stronger than me to hold it all together for so long. Smarter than me, she was always so intelligent I couldn’t keep up with her.
I thought what I had to say was not worthy of her time. I thought, “she’s way too cool to bother with me.”
Now I get to sit here and wonder of if I had said all this before, if it could’ve saved her.
Someone as insignificant as me. Save her. Heh. But anything to tip the beam. Anything.
Saying I’ll miss her isn’t even correct. It’s no where near what I feel.
So if you admire a stranger please tell them. They might be thinking about doing it today. If you think “hey, that person’s aesthetic is cool” please say something. Please tell people you haven’t heard from or spoken to since highschool that you always supported them from afar.
I’ve never lost anyone before her. I don’t know what to do.
[size10 there's this immense sense of relief in my soul right now. the job wants me, and they're excited to have me work with them. i feel like i can finally have some growth and make the money i've been needing.]
[size10 i'm able to be with family now and actually live. i'm so thankful..]
[size10 that call will be the highlight of my week, but i'll make this job be the highlight of my year. and hopefully years, from next tuesday on. i'll work hard and do all i can to grow and be one of their most talented employees.]
[size10 i'm so excited i can't stop thinking about it. this is genuinely a miracle.]
[size10 my ex boss showed her true colors, i leave, and immediately a new horizon opens up for me. thank you, thank you, thank you. i earned this.]
[size09 I don't know [i where] the fuck this dude lives that he can't answer the phone and talk inside his own apartment ... but I'm so tired of hearing him yelling on the phone outside the window. It's funny hearing the drama, but it's annoying af when he wakes me up with his damn yelling. Dude over here, yelling [i girl], and talking about giving someone $4000?? [size07 i mean, i'll take 4k....]
Honestly though, just answer your damn phone inside. It's way more irritating than amusing. I guess it's better than this dude's crocodile tears and talking to one of his guy friends about how tight some girl is ...
Well off of that topic. My mood has been all over the place. My sleep schedule is garbage. I'm horribly tired all the time. It's tempting to just sleep every hour of the day, but well. Gotta be a productive adult. I think I'm just stupidly depressed, like always. Not much else to say. As always, I'm hoping for brighter days.
addendum; couple of appointments soon, but maybe after, I can commit to finishing VIIR. I can admit that I've been a little less depressed, so maybe I'll have the energy to play it for once. Need to finish kimetsu no yaiba as well, save for the rest of the manga, prep for more made in abyss, and a lot of other things. at least my wallet gets a break from there not being many games coming out the rest of the year that I want. Guess I should buckle down and commit to finishing a lot of the games I haven't yet.]
[size10 so, i'm moving on. i read a quote the other day, and it said 'i'm learning to love the sound of my footsteps as i walk away from something not meant for me.' and i'm taking it to heart.]
[size10 it was good while it lasted, but there's no room for growth, which is something i so desperately need. i found something better, and i'll keep getting more and more skills under my belt and more funds in my bank account. i'm going to live a comfortable life.]
[size10 and i'll no longer have to deal with all these microaggressions and isolation anymore. once my birthday comes around, my life will turn around with it. that'd be the best birthday gift i could receive.]
[size10 i'm tired of everything. all of it feels pointless. i don't know why i even try anymore.]
[size10 my birthday is on the way and i don't even care. i don't care at all.]
[size10 i don't even want anything. i don't care.]
[size10 i'm too tired to care.]
[size10 and i feel more and more isolated each day. in a room full of people i still feel like an outsider.]
[size10 no matter how much good i do, for others or myself, i don't feel any better.]
[size10 i just kind of feel like a pass time to others.]
[size10 someone to only think of when it's convenient.]
[size10 well. anyway.]
[size10 i want to give up.]
[size10 I feel overwhelmed, despite not doing much of anything. I think I've spread myself too thin, socially anyways. I've been really exhausted and I'm not sure why. I found a job finally, but I'm nervous. It's not easy to start a new job with new people.
I'm finally watching the second season of furuba. I need to finish playing some things, and watching some other things. I haven't had the motivation at all. It's frustrating. Wish I could just find the motivation. At least I'm still trying. That counts for something.]
[Center [size10 I've been barely getting on es lately and honestly it feels great. This website has been a staple for years now despite being the literal worst. But with my recent loss and other shit going on in life, I haven't even remotely been interested in this place. Only thing I still wanna do is my roleplays with my best girl. Which after the talk about moving them over to another website just for our roleplays, I think I'll be able to finally take my leave from es. It may take me some time to move all my info and pics over to the new website. Waiting for motivation and all that, but once that's done, I can kiss es and journal goodbye. Feels like a mighty and nagging weight is being lifted and I can't wait to finally dump it off. Fuck this place dude. Lol it sucks. But by all means, you all enjoy. Cya for the last time in journal my dudes. Peace.]]
[size10 i don't typically think about her anymore, since it's healthier for me to forget she was ever a part of my life, but it sucks that whenever i see drama videos or informational videos about toxic friendships and abusive friendships that i'm reminded of the things she'd done to me.]
[size10 you claimed to be so apologetic, but when i finally cut you out of my life you didn't even have the ability to grow a pair and tell me to my face. you had a lacky apologize on your behalf, insincerely, just so i'd trust them that you'd grown and speak to you again. i remember setting my boundaries so many times. i remember you agreed to keep them in mind and to not repeat the same behavior twice, no, for the [i hundredth] time.
the moment i decided to let you in again you turned on me on a dime and did exactly what you'd promised not to do again and again to me. and then have the nerve to turn to your poor new friends and tell them i was the toxic one. it's seriously amazing how delusional you are.]
[size10 imagine making someone feel guilty over liking shit?? ice cream?? not allowed to like that. the color [i purple]?? sorry, i liked that first.]
[size10 as well as gaslighting me and lying to me every single day and keeping secrets and slandering me behind my back. when i found out the things you were saying i was beyond shocked and hurt. and the fact you'd use my sexual abuse stories against me?]
[size10 [i how do you somehow believe you were in the right?] do you even hear yourself when you talk?]
[size10 to think i ever thought i was insane because of you. to think i put up with it. to think i ever loved you.]
[size10 to think i considered you a friend of mine.]
[size10 i wish we'd never met. and i mean that.]
[size10 i wish you'd never weaseled your way into my life and tried to ruin it. adamantly.]
[size10 i wish i never told you a single thing about me. i want the memories of me to be forever wiped from your brain. i don't like knowing you know things about me. i hate that you knew me.]
[size10 it bugs me. it always will bug me.]
[size10 something in me will always know you're still talking about me somewhere, in that makebelieve world you created to suit your narrative.]
[size10 i hope the people in your life see through you like i can and soon.]
Everything hurts. 2020 isn't my year at all. I keep getting hurt and injured in some way. It really sucks. Not only that, but I'm so tired of my birth name. I'm ready to legally change it. Whatever, if I end up moving to another with my boyfriend with the next year or two, I'll change my then and have a fresh start.
[center [#b2d7b4 ⌜ F U C K ⌟ ]]
I've never been good at explaining things, am I being over-dramatic like always? Or is this one of those civil wars in my head again? Conflict of confusion to even be concerned if I’m going to even make it out alive, I want to let these feelings go of not being good enough for anyone.
Maybe I wanted you to stay but with my paranoia, I'm forced to push you away. I'm just wishing none of these things ever happened in the first place, but I'm told if I didn't have these problems I wouldn't be who I am today? So maybe that's just us growing up, and moving on with life to be better people. I don't understand why you are so forgiving? I feel like I've betrayed you, just about the ways I tend not to be very good at explaining things to an outsider to my world.
Maybe it's the way I was born and raised, I cut off my emotions to survive my days. Please don't forgive me, I'll do it again. I built these walls to keep everyone out not to hurt you, but to keep myself alive. You don't have to wish well for me, and I'm not for sure if that's my anxiety or my paranoia talking for me, but it makes me feel guilty and that I'm being looked down upon because I was dealt a shitty hand in life. I think I just don't like being treated like I was a victim even though I clearly was. I don't look for pity out of a key factor for friendship or any kind of relationship. I noticed that when I still was attending high school, that's literally why anyone was my friend, and then when I left that's that thing I heard the most, is that they felt sorry for me and that's why they cared, not because I was me. It made me feel like a novel for a fetish of trama. Like everyone praising me for starving and cutting myself. That's the reason, why I told you anything, is that I wanted you to know why I left without any word, trust me I miss you guys too. But my walls have built back up because I still felt like I was being victimized. I just want everything to go back to normal, well as much as not like talking about it. But I guess that's too corny yeah?
I will say, I could of stop the hurt towards you by like maybe asking about your day, but we would only be lying to ourselves that we're still hurt from the past and as myself have somewhat been still terrified of falling back into it. I don't blame any of you for not believing in me I literally said I didn't care, I ended up caring later on but I just didn't mention it because it was covered up as being "self-doubt." I'm extremely not comprehending any of the factors, that maybe just maybe that I'm running out of life hacks of figuring out who I am and how to act towards others. Because I don't know anymore, of who I am or how to treat people, not like a threat. You weren't, you only told me that you hoped I was alright and I just felt like it was a trick again and that I shouldn't get my hopes up again.
I'm not surviving, I'm sneaking my way by, I've never wanted to be noticed. I bet you wouldn't be surprised that I didn't want friends in the first place? What can I say? Mama did raise an introvert, a short-tempered one, but one none the less. I didn't care to have an army of nothing people, I only wanted a group of few understanding people. I wanted people to be there for me and not pity me. And those words you use, hurt but you're not meaning to. and sadly I can finally see that most of this is my self-built walls. But maybe we're more alike then I think about it, the more we talk about anything and get everything out in the open. We were stupid kids back then, now we're decent adults.
I'm just stuck in my own ways of how people should treat me because that's all I've been receiving since three years ago. I cared about them, I got pittied by them then I was used, then they left me. Or they betrayed my trust and got tired of me. I've had that happen so many times in my life span so I am sorry if I come across as aggressive or hostile. The voices only say "don't put ideas in my head, don't try to with my feelings. Getting my hopes up what are you doing." It's only this deathtrap of this brain of mine. No matter how much you tell me, I'm not even expecting it from you either. I guess what I'm saying, I'm sorry for hiding. I can't help it tho, I'm still working on myself.
- ａｓｈｔｏｎ ♡
[coming+soon [center [size15 [#859ecc [b It’s been quite awhile now. Since it’s all happened. Spoken and done.
Even now I see how different I am. Even now, I see how different most of us are.
All of us are no longer people we recognize.
I know better to rekindle old flames. I know better than try and block people who will always pop up despite my efforts to move on from them.
I only wanted you to know I wish the best for you. Not everyone deserves happiness, but I know that you have a good heart and a good conscience. So you deserve it. You want to get better. To be better. You deserve it.
I value the lives of people who actually try to live and not just survive.
It’s okay you’re upset and hurt. Who wouldn’t be in your shoes?
It doesn’t matter anymore to me. Almost everyone is dead and gone to me.
I miss you so fucking much sometimes. I think of all the times I leaned on your shoulder and you on mine. The times of crying and then laughing because you or I make each other feel better.
Then I think of the times you trash talked about me to my own mother. The times I craved your attention and you pushed me aside for someone who deserted you and treated you like trash. How you said I shouldn’t have my baby girl because I had “debt”.
It’s so tough. I want you back in my life but you made me feel like shit so much.
I just miss my best friend...from beginning. In the end...best friend you were not.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.