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This is just a place for me to let out my thoughts and feelings, you can read if you want . But, this is my private space and I will not be allowing access to anyone, if you are concerned then drop a PM.
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So I'm going on anti-depressents... Not sure how to feel about them... I know they aren't a big deal ... But I still don't know how to feel about it... We'll just have to wait and see I suppose
My parents and I are keeping our distance for the time being. Its happened before so I'm not too fased by it
But theres a good chance my nana might pass soon. She has a bad heart and if she doesnt take it easy, she might have a heart attack. She wouldn't survive a heart attack. This may be the last year I get to have with her. Shes my step nana but I do see her as a proper nana...
I'll have no grandparents after her....
I'm going to add the letter M to my first tattoo when she passes...
Uhm, so I finished work early because I didn't want to go pack so I used my flexi. Rung my mam to just let her know. As soon as I got home and sat down she snapped at me about how she doesn't think Amazon are going to keep me on permanent. She was talking to me like I was child and just giving me so much shit. I've had the worst week and she knows how hard this week has been for me and I got upset and angry and started arguing back.
At one point I said "I'm a fucking adult" and my dad sniggered. I was so tired of him and my mam and everything that I told him to shut the fuck up.
Now, I know I shouldn't have said it but it was in the heat of the moment and yeah.
The argument continued until he said "get the fuck out" and he opened the door but my foot was in the way he proceeded to grab me by the arm to try and force me out. Once i was finally out he called me a piece of shit.
I went to my room. Locked the door. Was there for 10 mins and my mum started up a conversation again. I calmly and sincerely apologised for how I acted, like I do regret how I acted but it was a reaction to how they were acting. I went on to explain about my shitty week and that's why I acted the way I did, but I was still really sorry and i also explained as to why me taking two hours off from work probably wont think it will affect anything about my contract. My mam refused to apologise about anything.
I went out for a walk, came back home, locked myself in my room again and that is where everything is rn.....
I dont know what to do. I refuse to apologise to my dad. I've apologised to my mam but she didn't accept it and they will both refuse to take responsibility for what they did. Like I told her that my dad grabbed my arm and she literally said "no he didnt".
Like bitch, seriously? Was it you that he grabbed? No.
I was scared. He got up in my face, he looked so angry. I was against the wall. My mam didn't do anything to protect me, even after he hurt me. Tbh, I think if my dad hit me and I told my mam, she wouldn't believe me unless I had a mark on me.
This was not what I needed after this week.
I dont know why. But I'm sad. Last two nights I've come home crying. So uhm yeah, just sad.
Why cant my parents accept what they have done to my mental health? I try to being things up but I get shut down...
I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I'm on the verge of tears. I almost had a panic attack the other day, haven't had one of those in awhile.
I cant wait to move out properly and not have to go back. Ever.
I love my parents but I need to love them from a distance because I cant keep doing this shit anymore. It's not fair. I know that sounds bratty, but it isnt fair that they are able to keep doing what they have been doing and yet I'm forced to listen. I'm forced and expected to take whatever it is they give to me. I'm sick of it all. But I'm stuck, I'm probably stuck for the next couple of years. Fucking fantastic.
So, I've expressed on here the deal with my mother and it's pretty fair to say that I have mummy issues.
But lately, I've been thinking about my step-dad. As previously stated, my biological father decided he wanted nothing to do with me. But, due to my mam being supportive and having a father figure, I was able to get over my feelings by the time I was 8.
Then, my step dad came into my life and things were good for awhile, until shit went down with my mam. Now, my dad didn't do anything but I think that's the problem. He'd barely talk to me and when he did he was blunt, if I hugged him he would give me a light pat on the back. He was on my man's side, he didn't once even try to be there for me. He's the reason I panic when people aren't as responsive or they behave in a off way. We're fine now but like, I don't feel like he's my dad anymore. I call him that out of habit but, it just doesn't feel right...
Fuck, I need to cry otherwise I'm gonna have a breakdown at somepoint
At the start of Quarantine I was having a mental break down everyday, granted that I was going through a break up but even after got over that, I would spend half the day going through a depression episode. I don't think I have depression, but they definitely come in waves... But like, after getting a job, relationship with my parents getting better, cutting ties and building a friendship with an old friend from school... I haven't had them. Now, I'm not that stupid to believe there won't be a time that they come again, but like... I'm happy... My self confidence is starting to build up... I look in the mirror and no longer see a disgusting monster who ruins things... I see me, a beautiful human being. I wish I had this happiness earlier but, I'm grateful that I have it now.
I probably talk about how happy I am on here but it's just like,.I can't believe it, y'know? I'm not used it, lol. I'm not one to say that I'm happy when I'm not, I'm the kind to just not say anything at all and I know when I'm not happy. But, yeah... It feels good :3
I swear to god. Some people can't take a fucking hint.
So, I broke up with my ex the week before UK went on lockdown. First few months and I haven't heard anything from him and it allowed me to get over him. But, these past couple of months he first messaged me telling me that he missed me, then last week he randomly talked to me about his bike and then three hours ago he texted me telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me in a sexual way. Like, wtf? I don't want to know. I'm over you, I don't even want you. I've just removed him from all my socials. I couldn't be bothered to talk to him.
If I met my younger self, or even myself last year... I would want to help her. I would feel sad for her.
When I think back to me, I cry. Sadness due to knowing how much pain I went though and how I've suffered, but happiness because if how far I've come.
I'm the happiest I've been in years. Stable jobs that pays ridiculously well, good relationship with my parents. Yeah, I only have two friends but I don't mind tbh. I place too much of myself into my relationships, I practically offer my heart in a plate and I need to learn not to do that. I do t have to worry about anyone and I don't get hurt.
I still need to do a lot of work on my anxiety. I know now that I definitely have it, no doubt. I just need to learn how to handle it better. I'm getting there though!!
I don't think I'll ever really forgive my mam. She is the cause of my anxiety worsening and me developing self image issues. She knows everything, how I felt. Like, I thought that I was a waste of space, garbage human being who thought everyone was better off without me. I punished myself, mentally and physically. I almost ran away and I've attempted to end it all a couple of times. She knows that it stems from the words she spoke to me, yet has never taken ownership or apologise. I don't think she ever will and that's ok, but I can't forgive her for it. Never. I know it's not very progressive but, it doesn't affect our current relationship. So, she'll never know.
Hm. Anyway, here's what I figured out about my sexuality. I'm bi and at first I thought I was 50/50 but I am so picky. Like, my friend who is straight said that she's never met someone more picky than I. But, I've figured it out. I'm not 50/50, I just have a type.
For guys, it's just massive teddy bears. Ugh, omg. There's a content creator I follow and he's basically the embodiment of my type. But, it is quite a broad type.
For girls, it's those girls who dress like fuck boys/a girl who looks like they would step on me. Fuck. I mean, I don't want a girlfriend who is mean, I just want her to look mean. I am very rarely attracted to soft girls, but ngl, I did cry over one once because she was just so fucking cute.
Anyway, that's my type. They are bascially opposites. I don't like how fuckboys look unless it's a girl dressed like one and I like guys who are just tall teddy bears.
DISCLAIMER: if you are reading this, I'm warning you that there will be some sensitive subjects mentioned again. TW.
So, last night, I found out that my parents are Transphobic in the J.K. Rowling way. So that's great!!
But, to talk on my mam...
When I was about 12 she told me that I was one of the causes of her depression. This fucked. Me. Up.
I'm an empathetic person anyway and at the time, my mam was my best friend. She was basically my world. I mean, being told that you are one of the causes of someone's mental health is hurtful anyway. But I was a child hearing that I was hurting my own mam. She told me that I was breaking her heart.
Over the years, I punished myself emotionally and physically. I wanted to runaway because I thought everyone would be better off without me. I had a similar thought process when I thought about ending it all.
Then, I had my mam emotionally and verbally abuse me at the same time.
Anyway. Last year, around February, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to move out. I came back home in September.
It's been rocky, but otherwise things are really looking up. Which is why I don't want to ruin this.
She knows exactly what her telling me about her depression did to me.
A couple of months back. I brought it up and she made excuses.
A couple of weeks ago she apologised through a quote and it was something along the lines of "I'm sorry for whatever I have done"
A couple of days ago, she admitted that when I first moved back, she said that she would look at me and think "you're breaking my heart"
Despite her not feeling or thinking this way anymore, it still hurt.
At first my initial reaction was to punish myself like I used to and then I realised that no, why should I?
I mean, she's told me on purpose. She knows exactly what that used to do to me and how it still does. Yet, she still told me.
I haven't said anything. I'm trying to let it go because I know I'm not going to get anywhere with her and because we are the best we have been in a long time.
But fuck, do I really want to move out.
I bought a mf Nintendo Switch. With my money.
Yes, it took away most of my pay. But! I get paid again next Friday so is all good.
But like, I feel a bit more grown up. I know the Switch isn't a grown up thing to buy, but, it was bought with the money that I have earned.
Then, once a week, imma get a a game. I'm thinking, Animal Crossing, Mario Supkart, BOTW, Minecraft and maybe Nintendogs.
Anyway, feeling really inspired for Rps lately. However, only for certain ones. I owe people posts...
Y'know what's funny? Im bi and my ratio is 50/50. I like men a d women equally.
I like boys who look soft but masculine.
I like girls who are masculine
I matched with this girl on a dating app. Thought she was cute so I scrolled through more of her photos... Not a girl... He's a boy and my attraction was lost. It just went biiii as soon as I found out. Lmao, just had to share.
Don't you just love it when your mother has a problem with the way you cook your food. Like, it was either stir fry or microwave it. I decided the latter. She literally had a go at me for microwaving my food. It took the same amount of time and when I told her "I like it that way" she said "oh right ok" but in like a really sassy, petty, 'i don't believe you' way.
I love her. But, she's so manipulative, toxic and many other things.
I'm not saying I want kids, but I'm going to treat them better than she ever treat me.
At thirteen years old, she blamed me for her depression. It fucked me up. I told her how it still affected me, she just told me "it was a long time ago" "I can't change the past" "you asked me". All I wanted to hear her say was an apology for fucking me up.
I'll be ok one day. When I can move out and keep her at an arm's length.
I kinda got stood up. Asked a friend if she wanted to meet, she said maybe but it was like a yes maybe. On the day of the meet, she just ignored me. I sent her a message at 11 am she didn't get back to me till 11 pm. So, I obviously felt great about that.
What I am feeling great about is not having to care about someone else. I'm an empath, I can feel what other people are feeling. If they are upset about something, I get upset too. Fuck, if someone is in physical pain, I will feel that physical pain. Because of this understanding, I'm very much the therapist friend. Which is shit because, who cares how the therapist feels?
I don't doubt that my previous best friends didn't care about me, they just used me and I'm so fucking sick of it. I want someone to listen and pay attention to me just as much as I give to them. I don't want fake laughs and half arsed listening whilst they are scrolling on their phone.
This is why I feel so great, because there isn't someone like that in my life anymore.
I feel really, really good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. To think that in September of last year I was going to end it all...
Basically, I thought I wasn't going to have anywhere to stay, I was basically told that I was a horrible friend and loads of other stuff. I thought the world was better off without me.
But, after moving back home, painfully slowly working through problems with my mother and re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I feel so much better. I'm going to focus on me now, for too long I have thought about other people. But, I'm putting my self first and not last.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.