[center [pic https://i.pinimg.com/originals/fd/57/f3/fd57f35ec30df51fbfc97974e600a687.jpg]
This is just a place for me to let out my thoughts and feelings, you can read if you want . But, this is my private space and I will not be allowing access to anyone.
You don't have permission to post in this thread.
I swear to god. Some people can't take a fucking hint.
So, I broke up with my ex the week before UK went on lockdown. First few months and I haven't heard anything from him and it allowed me to get over him. But, these past couple of months he first messaged me telling me that he missed me, then last week he randomly talked to me about his bike and then three hours ago he texted me telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me in a sexual way. Like, wtf? I don't want to know. I'm over you, I don't even want you. I've just removed him from all my socials. I couldn't be bothered to talk to him.
If I met my younger self, or even myself last year... I would want to help her. I would feel sad for her.
When I think back to me, I cry. Sadness due to knowing how much pain I went though and how I've suffered, but happiness because if how far I've come.
I'm the happiest I've been in years. Stable jobs that pays ridiculously well, good relationship with my parents. Yeah, I only have two friends but I don't mind tbh. I place too much of myself into my relationships, I practically offer my heart in a plate and I need to learn not to do that. I do t have to worry about anyone and I don't get hurt.
I still need to do a lot of work on my anxiety. I know now that I definitely have it, no doubt. I just need to learn how to handle it better. I'm getting there though!!
I don't think I'll ever really forgive my mam. She is the cause of my anxiety worsening and me developing self image issues. She knows everything, how I felt. Like, I thought that I was a waste of space, garbage human being who thought everyone was better off without me. I punished myself, mentally and physically. I almost ran away and I've attempted to end it all a couple of times. She knows that it stems from the words she spoke to me, yet has never taken ownership or apologise. I don't think she ever will and that's ok, but I can't forgive her for it. Never. I know it's not very progressive but, it doesn't affect our current relationship. So, she'll never know.
Hm. Anyway, here's what I figured out about my sexuality. I'm bi and at first I thought I was 50/50 but I am so picky. Like, my friend who is straight said that she's never met someone more picky than I. But, I've figured it out. I'm not 50/50, I just have a type.
For guys, it's just massive teddy bears. Ugh, omg. There's a content creator I follow and he's basically the embodiment of my type. But, it is quite a broad type.
For girls, it's those girls who dress like fuck boys/a girl who looks like they would step on me. Fuck. I mean, I don't want a girlfriend who is mean, I just want her to look mean. I am very rarely attracted to soft girls, but ngl, I did cry over one once because she was just so fucking cute.
Anyway, that's my type. They are bascially opposites. I don't like how fuckboys look unless it's a girl dressed like one and I like guys who are just tall teddy bears.
DISCLAIMER: if you are reading this, I'm warning you that there will be some sensitive subjects mentioned again. TW.
So, last night, I found out that my parents are Transphobic in the J.K. Rowling way. So that's great!!
But, to talk on my mam...
When I was about 12 she told me that I was one of the causes of her depression. This fucked. Me. Up.
I'm an empathetic person anyway and at the time, my mam was my best friend. She was basically my world. I mean, being told that you are one of the causes of someone's mental health is hurtful anyway. But I was a child hearing that I was hurting my own mam. She told me that I was breaking her heart.
Over the years, I punished myself emotionally and physically. I wanted to runaway because I thought everyone would be better off without me. I had a similar thought process when I thought about ending it all.
Then, I had my mam emotionally and verbally abuse me at the same time.
Anyway. Last year, around February, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to move out. I came back home in September.
It's been rocky, but otherwise things are really looking up. Which is why I don't want to ruin this.
She knows exactly what her telling me about her depression did to me.
A couple of months back. I brought it up and she made excuses.
A couple of weeks ago she apologised through a quote and it was something along the lines of "I'm sorry for whatever I have done"
A couple of days ago, she admitted that when I first moved back, she said that she would look at me and think "you're breaking my heart"
Despite her not feeling or thinking this way anymore, it still hurt.
At first my initial reaction was to punish myself like I used to and then I realised that no, why should I?
I mean, she's told me on purpose. She knows exactly what that used to do to me and how it still does. Yet, she still told me.
I haven't said anything. I'm trying to let it go because I know I'm not going to get anywhere with her and because we are the best we have been in a long time.
But fuck, do I really want to move out.
I bought a mf Nintendo Switch. With my money.
Yes, it took away most of my pay. But! I get paid again next Friday so is all good.
But like, I feel a bit more grown up. I know the Switch isn't a grown up thing to buy, but, it was bought with the money that I have earned.
Then, once a week, imma get a a game. I'm thinking, Animal Crossing, Mario Supkart, BOTW, Minecraft and maybe Nintendogs.
Anyway, feeling really inspired for Rps lately. However, only for certain ones. I owe people posts...
Y'know what's funny? Im bi and my ratio is 50/50. I like men a d women equally.
I like boys who look soft but masculine.
I like girls who are masculine
I matched with this girl on a dating app. Thought she was cute so I scrolled through more of her photos... Not a girl... He's a boy and my attraction was lost. It just went biiii as soon as I found out. Lmao, just had to share.
Don't you just love it when your mother has a problem with the way you cook your food. Like, it was either stir fry or microwave it. I decided the latter. She literally had a go at me for microwaving my food. It took the same amount of time and when I told her "I like it that way" she said "oh right ok" but in like a really sassy, petty, 'i don't believe you' way.
I love her. But, she's so manipulative, toxic and many other things.
I'm not saying I want kids, but I'm going to treat them better than she ever treat me.
At thirteen years old, she blamed me for her depression. It fucked me up. I told her how it still affected me, she just told me "it was a long time ago" "I can't change the past" "you asked me". All I wanted to hear her say was an apology for fucking me up.
I'll be ok one day. When I can move out and keep her at an arm's length.
I kinda got stood up. Asked a friend if she wanted to meet, she said maybe but it was like a yes maybe. On the day of the meet, she just ignored me. I sent her a message at 11 am she didn't get back to me till 11 pm. So, I obviously felt great about that.
What I am feeling great about is not having to care about someone else. I'm an empath, I can feel what other people are feeling. If they are upset about something, I get upset too. Fuck, if someone is in physical pain, I will feel that physical pain. Because of this understanding, I'm very much the therapist friend. Which is shit because, who cares how the therapist feels?
I don't doubt that my previous best friends didn't care about me, they just used me and I'm so fucking sick of it. I want someone to listen and pay attention to me just as much as I give to them. I don't want fake laughs and half arsed listening whilst they are scrolling on their phone.
This is why I feel so great, because there isn't someone like that in my life anymore.
I feel really, really good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. To think that in September of last year I was going to end it all...
Basically, I thought I wasn't going to have anywhere to stay, I was basically told that I was a horrible friend and loads of other stuff. I thought the world was better off without me.
But, after moving back home, painfully slowly working through problems with my mother and re-evaluating some of the relationships in my life, I feel so much better. I'm going to focus on me now, for too long I have thought about other people. But, I'm putting my self first and not last.
So, continuing on from last night, I definitely fixate on people. It comes from growing up as an only child with a single mother. Now, that's not to say that I neglect my other friends, in fact it doesn't affect them at all and the friend that I fixate on will have no clue that I do. It just hurts me because when they don't talk to me or they are kinda brief with their replies, I go through a big sad as I feel like I've done something wrong to upset them or they've realised that I was annoying all along.
Does this come from my mother emotionally abusing me in my teens? Most definitely. Can I go to therapy and get it fixed? No. However, at least I have identified the problem and hopefully I can work it on it so that when the person I fixate on suddenly doesn't talk to me much, I can pull myself out of the big sad.
I find it funny that I go through a big fat sad when people don't talk to me and yet, I can go days without talking to them. Like, what's wrong with me? I want friends but it's like I'm pushing them away? Idk. That reason doesn't seem like the right one but, it's the only one I have right now. Maybe it's because I fixate on like one person and only want to talk to them because I feel like they understand me the most and when they don't talk to me, I feel lonely. Yeah, that seems more right.
Also, I've been hating my writing so much recently. Like, I read what I produce and hate it. I'm surrounded by these amazing writers who produce such great work and I can't understand why or how they put up with me or my writing.
Anyways, I get paid on Friday. Wooo.
Im not a selfish person. I constantly think of other people, their feelings and thoughts. I'm very aware of things like this. This a good thing, but I can also be a bad thing. I probably have anger issues because if this and whenever I do need to be a bit selfish i go to the extreme.
For example, losing my old best friend. I felt like she never really cared about me as the only time she ever listened to me was if I was crying . I had previously talked to her about the issue a couple of months back, but things didn't get better, they kinda got worse. It was getting to the point where most of my messages were being ignored and it felt like she was just avoiding talking about me. We had a lot of great times, I remember laughing with her for hours, getting angry over a character in a TV show, eating dominoes, but me feeling like I didn't matter was getting to me. So, I went to people and asked for advice. I wanted to do what was best for me but I also kept thinking of her. However, I was told to just drop her. At first, I didn't like the idea but as I was reminded of how alone I felt, I was blinded by rage.
Do I regret how I went about the whole thing? Yeah I do. It wasn't me, that wasn't something I'd normally do. I don't know how to deal with my anger properly and I don't know how to be selfish. However, I do feel better.
I hope I get the chance to explain myself some day.
I don't know what I feel. I have all these thoughts but I'm not feeling anything. I've forgotten how much I hate drama and pettiness, I'm not gonna lie and say that I can't be a bitch . But, I've learned to be quiet, polite and awkward because whenever I do burst out of my shell a bit, bad things happen. So, I just keep to myself. It's the same whenever I have an issue with someone, I put up with it until I've had enough. In the past, I used to give people loads of chances. But all they did was take advantage of that. Now that I'm older, I give like one chance.
Another reason that I have a wall is that I have high expectations of people, I know it's not fair but I can't help it. For example, what ever I would do for a person, I expect they that they do that for me. This was the reason that my last boyfriend failed. Whenever I did something that would hurt, annoy or anger him I would change my behaviour very quickly. He never did that for me. Ever. He couldn't even say sorry to me properly. But, that's in the past. So, my logic is that if I don't let people get close to me then they can't disappoint me. That doesn't work though, I still get disappointed lmao. Like my birthday. Granted, I got unexpected gifts from a friend which made me happy. But, this year, I didn't even get a card from my Aunty. She always sent one and she would call. That really hit hard. There were other things too that hurt too.
Ive lost so many people, and it's left me wondering if I'm the problem. Like what if it's me and not them. I just don't understand.
I feel like complete shit. Ngl. Part of me wishes I never moved. None of this would have happened. But at the same time, I'm glad. Like, all the friends that I've had, I don't regret meeting them and will always look fondly on the memories that I've created with them. But, I would be nice to just talk with them about the friendship, the good and bad times. I just want to clear the air. Be on civil ground. Seems like that can't happen.
Started my second job today. It's just packing boxes but it's actually pretty decent, apart from standing all day resulting in making my body hurt.
There isn't anything negative to comment on right now. At least, I don't want to make a post about it as there are people involved and I don't want to start anything. Though, it's funny how people change their tune so quickly once you don't respond how they want...
Anyway, I think that's all for the time being. I really hope this good mood of mine stays for a long time. For the past year it's just been problem after problem. But things with my mam are looking up, I'm starting to lose weight and loads of other good stuff.
So, it's my birthday. Better than the past six that I've had, still kinda shitty. I am grateful for what I've been given, but your birthday's are supposed to be a special day about you. However, my birthday seems to be the day where I get forgotten. Not by my family, but by the people I consider friends. Today was no different.
I feel so selfish and whiney for complaining. However, on the bright side at least I get to see who actually gives a shit about me.
It just hurts more because I would do and drop anything for my friends, yet time and time again I have been shown how shitty they were. It just gets rubbed in my face and I am left feeling worthless.
Anyways, I did get to meet up with an old friend and she got me a present and a card. She also really wanted to see me and I felt like I mattered to her. I've known her for 9 years, hated her for like 3 but I'm now so glad that we are friends.
So, it was father's Day on Sunday and I was reminded how much I miss my grandad. See, when I was younger my biological father didn't give two shits about me. Resulting in me growing up with no dad. However, my little child brain made my grandad a father figure. We were really close. We used to garden, go on walks, he'd make me super noodles, soup, he would take me to the cities museum about once a month, we'd go to BnQ, listen to music, every Christmas we would watch Home Alone and he would never not find it funny, we'd watch crime TV shows together. He used to call me petal.
But in 2016 he passed away very suddenly in his sleep. He was a healthy man, there should have been no reason for him to have gone. Yet he did. I've never really dealt with his death properly, when he died I was preparing for exams, the next year was exams, then it was college and basically I've never had the chance to properly grieve. Not really. I miss him so so much, I'd do anything just give him a hug and to hear him call me Petal again.
Two years later, my great nana died from cancer. We weren't as close but I still loved her so much and I want her back as well.
For the last couple of years my step nana has been on the verge of passing away and I'm so scared. I won't have any great or grandparents left after her. My heart aches everytime I see her.
To end this on a positive note, I am so happy and grateful to have met and made memories with three amazing people who have helped to shape who I am. I will continue to make them proud and will thank them everyday
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.