the v o i d

/ By veronah [+Watch]

Replies: 10 / 111 days 22 hours 28 minutes 24 seconds

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this is literally just a diary lmao, shoo

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yeah this honestly kinda sucks

im just gonna give you your stupid birthday hat and go home

enjoy all your future hat parties with it while i rot on my couch, alone
  vague / veronah / 14d 15h 23m 28s
[i Why does it feel like I care more than you do?]

Because I do.
  vague / veronah / 43d 11h 1m 45s
looks like I really may have expected too much from this trip up to TN. I had hoped we'd spend a lot more time together than we have, and now OF COURSE you're going to FL when I'm up here, and on my birthday too. I cried when you told me that, but you don't know bc it was over text. I almost want to ask you to ask your people to postpone it a week or whatever so we can do things, but thats too far out of my respectable reach. do a lil road trip or some stupid thing. show you my apartment and dumb seashell collection. go to the beach and find some more. let me try real hard to make us a tasty dinner. get high together. go around and find some good bike trails to tear up or some good walking trails. have a stupid little picnic. go to universal studios and ride some coasters. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can before you disappear to the other end of the continental united states, now I feel like crying again. we said we'd do so much, but I feel like we haven't done much at all
  vague / veronah / 59d 1m 32s
I wish I had more to talk about that what stirs around in the depths of my mind. I wish you'd talk more. Sometimes I feel like you'd not even try to say anything if I didn't give you an incentive to talk first, about whatever bullshit I can think of instead. I guess this ties in to the different amounts of effort each person needs individually, I guess I'm needier than I thought I was. How do I even telly you this, and not feel like a burden at the same time?

I need to make more friends....
  vague / veronah / 74d 13h 11m 39s
am i already addicted to you? is this even healthy? do i care at all, if it is healthy or not? it feels good to be around you. i don't want to leave when we're together. i really want to see you again. really really badly. i wish i wasn't so insecure. what is happening
  vague / veronah / 92d 9h 56m 19s
I don’t know how to act around you, but I do know how I feel about you. I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I want. Is this the only way I can convey what goes on in my mind as we talk and exist together? Where do these thoughts go when you’re near me? Why can I not express them to you directly? You make me feel breathless, you steal the breath right out of my lungs, taking these words and thoughts with it. I don't want to look at anything else but your face. Why am I crying? Am I happy? Am I sad? I thought I knew what love was, what it felt like. Was I wrong about that definition? Or does it have a definition at all? All I feel for you is tenderly sweet, but so unfamiliar. I'm so terrified about doing something wrong. I don't know what move to make next, what is okay, what may scare you away from me. I am surrounded by so many demons that cloud my thoughts and instill such insecurities and anxiety, I feel paralyzed in fear. I want to reach out to you, show you how I feel, because I have been unable to simply tell you thus far. What am to I expect from "us"? What do I want from this "us"? I can't answer that. I’m not even sure if I want an answer from that.

I know what my greatest fear is. It is the unknown, in all of its many, immeasurable forms. The dark, the future, the changes that occur naturally in life. It is the root of all my fears and worries. It is why I am so desperate to understand, so desperate for answers. I am terrified of repeating my mistakes over again, albeit that I don't even know what they were. I don't ever want to hurt you, you are precious to me, thinking about you makes me cry sometimes. Happiness, sadness, I have yet to know. I overthink about every little thing you ever say, worrying that I may have inadvertently pushed you away when all I want is to bring you closer to me.

I feel like I am just reiterating myself over and again, all my fears and worries overlapping each other and tangling together, unable to be broken apart and settled.

I just really love you. You are important to me. Please don’t leave me.
  vague / veronah / 96d 11h 44m 2s
I am so excited and terrified to see you
this is a very strange mix of emotions
my demons are very talkative lately
I know they lie, but their whispers still persist like an evil seedling in my mind, twisting its roots tighter and tighter
  vague / veronah / 104d 22h 14m 7s
i worry for you
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
  vague / veronah / 110d 17h 10m 25s
ahaaaa isn't it great to post your most vulnerable and raw feelings anonymously on the internet, since nobody knows who you are and can therefore not judge you? :')
  vague / veronah / 111d 22h 13m 45s
ngl I have no idea how to go about this. I want them so badly, but after trashing the 1 significant relationship ive had in my life, im scared of every step I take. I am terrified to see them again in person after so long, I wonder if they'll still like me all the same. the texts, the voice chats, the rare video chats, I feel like im using them to finally build myself a staircase out of this depression-hole. but will it be tall enough? will it be sturdy enough? will you still be there if I actually make it out? you say im in your future, but my insecurity begs me to ask what that future looks like. I have always loathed the unknown, my greatest fear. the dark, the future, the unknown.

I desperately want to make something of us, it is stupid how much we have in common and I fucking love it. pls god help me not to screw this up. I love everything about you, I love you and I am honored to be given the opportunity to light up your life and I hope to do so for a long time, pls work with me thru my insecurities and depression and give me time to fucking murder the demons whispering lies in my ear
  vague / veronah / 111d 22h 14m 43s
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