empty spaces with silver lining

/ By veronah [+Watch]

Replies: 3 / 81 days 4 hours 6 minutes 6 seconds

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I have not touched this site in over 6 years yikes

coming back potentially to use it as an online log to convey my feelings in literary form

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[font "Times New Roman" [i Am I doing something wrong?]


This is all she could think of. During these solemn moments, laying in her bed every night before sleeping, these kinds of thoughts populated and poisoned her mind.


[i Do they actually care, or is it all a ruse?]


She didn’t know if the answers would make her feel better or worse. She debated whether she wanted the answers at all. Though, even more certainly, she felt she would never get an answer regardless.


[i Why do I feel like this?]


Surely this isn’t the way it is supposed to feel when both parties put in equal effort. It felt so much better in the beginning. It felt so much more natural, not forced or awkward.


[i What happened?]


She feared that she had put too much hope into it, and it fell apart in her hands anyway. She clung to what was left, although it wasn’t the same. It seemed to slip through her fingertips, no matter how tightly she held on, or how gently she loosened.


[i Why does it hurt?]


The empty responses made her heart ache, like a dry mouth yearning for water. There was no longer any meaning to their discussions. Often, there was hardly any discussion going on at all. Perhaps she had gotten attached to something that was too abstract.


[i Why does it feel like I care more than you do?]


She always tried to show interest in their passions, show concern during their troubles, show thinking for their problems. But, the reverse could no longer be applied. She felt alone again, alone in her sense of urgency to see them while the window of opportunity was still open.

So she lay in bed, watching it decay, unable to do anything to change its fate.]
  vague / veronah / 9d 3h 26m 36s
She sat stagnantly in her chair, without drive or purpose. She tried to keep her mind distracted by absently browsing media from the laptop situated on her lap, brightness turned low. If she stopped to think about it, she wouldn’t be able to remember what she read a minute ago. Nothing held much significance in these moments, alone.

In what felt like no time at all, another two hours had passed, and she hadn’t even the thought to rise from her seat. Yes, there were entries on her to-do list left unscratched, undone, but some of them had been so for days.

She had paused to think about it, how the sun had moved from shining through her blinds, to sinking behind the trees far on the horizon, and here still, she stayed. Unmoving, unspeaking, unfeeling. She could not fathom why the faint twinge of guilt was not more prominent.

The city drained the life from her. The lights, the people, the bustle, and the proximity made her soul drowsy and dim. There was no space, no spontaneity, nothing special to her about the grand city she was stuck in. There were people everywhere, and yet it felt devoid of life.

Flashes of green and blue streaked across the screen, and filled her soul with artificial satisfaction. These instances of time and place, catptured in the form of thousands of little pixels, soothed her distraught mind. The colors filled her imagination, the great open spaces released the tension in her shoulders, and the sheer absence of other people in this virgin state of our Earth made her breathe in relief. The stress loosened its grip, only for longing to take its place. How she yearned to leave the city, and witness the world for all its beauty and all its scars.

But silently still, she remained nestled in her chair, able only to dream.
  vague / veronah / 77d 4h 29m 19s
The room was vacant of light, but sleep was fleeting. Her trembling fingers traced up and down his body, exploring the curves, the bumps, the nooks and crannies, brushing through his hair, and teasing at the edges of what few pajamas he chose to rest in that night.

“What are you doing?” He asked softly, making no move to stop her motions. In the dark, it was difficult to tell with just his low, tired tone of voice whether he was enjoying her touches or simply acknowledging them.

“I can’t see you with my eyes, so I want to see you with my body,” was all she whispered in reply. Her small fingers slowed in their exploration, apprehensive in wait for her lover’s response. She was delighted when she felt the heavy blankets shift above them as his own large hands reciprocated her own actions. Goosebumps followed the path his soft touch forged along her hips and sides. She shuddered when his palms pressed more boldly into her ribs, clutching her and tugging her nearer to his body. She smiled when she felt their bellies and chests touch, snaking their arms around to each other’s back.

She bowed her head softly to rest just underneath his, cradled by his cheek and forearm which had slithered its way beneath her. She placed a tender kiss on his collarbone, elongating its duration until the butterflies in her chest had settled. She inhaled gently, recognizing his own personal scent that she had never noticed before, but would never forget. Her arm had been casually tossed over his side, fingers drawing lines and circles across his back. His slow breaths could be heard above her ear, and felt as the movement in the air tickled her hair. His body was not so proactive as her own, but his presence all around her made her feel a kind of serenity she had never experienced before. True peace, true comfort could be found here in his warm embrace. She reveled in the feelings of the moment, both physical and emotional, before sleep had finally found her and drew her away to a dreamless rest.

-

A faint jingle woke her, opening her eyes to a room now lit up with sunlight. Remembering the course of the night before, her gaze turned to the empty bed before her. Now she knew why her sleep appeared to be dreamless—her lover only presided there. His presence beside her could only be felt in her sleep. A dark haze of sadness washed over her like smoke as she stared at the empty space where he wasn’t.
  vague / veronah / 81d 1h 4m 42s
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