[size30 [+Red [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Yellowtail][Yellowtail [center Welcome to the Panic Room ]
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Things have been building up. Work is getting better, at the same time it isn't. It's driving me crazy. I feel my best is never good enough and I am really tired of that feeling.
I’ll have to take a look. I keep forgetting to. I should have insurance.
Envy if you want to go to the doctor I could take you but do you have insurance?
[center Start using the shampoo with keratin in it again. Look into supplements... Seems most likely my diet is the cause for my hair... If it’s actually thinning that is.]
[center Why am I so easily broken..? Why can’t I be stronger..?]
[center I feel useless today. Maybe it’s not just been today... It’s been this way for awhile. While I loved taking care of Lennon it has made me into an even more introverted person. I don’t much like going out and dealing with people unless I have to. I barely leave the house other than to walk. I barely go to the store anymore. Even with Lennon being gone I’ve done nothing... My mom asked me so many times but I just... Couldn’t make myself work to get a job.
With the virus and everything... I just closed up more I guess. I wasn’t afraid of catching it... I was just afraid of what it was doing to people.
That’s not the only thing on my mind. This dieting... Small things. Not losing enough weight. It’s frustrating, but another thing is I’m not getting enough of what I need either. I’ve cut out so much. It makes me worry about a lot of things. It seems small but I panic about my hair. It feels thinner to me. I worry over it constantly. Brushing it and running my hands through it. I use to run my hands through it just as a nervous tick, but now it’s more than that.
Maybe I should go see a doctor... I just don’t want to though. I don’t know why I don’t want to. I need to for several reasons. I would like to be put on birth control see if it can’t help my hormones a little. Maybe make things work a little better. Though it seems like it’s kind of fixed itself... I need to also make sure that the only ovary I have is working alright. Make sure it doesn’t need to be removed. My health just needs checked in general.
I don’t know where to start anymore. Really I’ve waited too long on the job. Time is about up and I really don’t think working somewhere for just a month or two would be a very good idea. Just to quit... The doctors appointment I could do anytime, but the reason behind that one is... I guess... Personal..?
The fact that I don’t know who would take me..? I really don’t want dad to go with me. I would prefer mom but it’s hard to get her to leave the house once she’s home for work... I don’t know what to do anymore...
This stress and worry can’t be any better for me.]
Today seems likes another day were on each other nerves... Last night didn't end too well. You wanted the cats to come back into the bedroom. Which is fine I don't think she has be leaking. I know the had dirty feet.... because the cat boxes need cleaned... I just don't want any dirty bedding... I really have been enjoying our alone time together not that the cats bother me but I like getting to lay right beside you.
You didn't even hold me last night... at least you didn't wake up cranky.... I hope once we get into the new house things wont be so tense... Hopefully you will say what you want where you want it so we don't fight about it... What you said yesterday really hurt. I don't know why it sings more today than it did yesterday.
Envy if you read this I was just talking about the disagreement we had yesterday at Target.
I will have to check that out later. Have you listen to that song I sent you? it is really good :D
Gabe showed me this thought you may like it.
Thank you Envy. What you said made me feel a little better. I still feel a little lost. I really need to work on myself but it is difficult. I talk to my step mom and she said maybe some concealing might help. Maybe some an anxiety medicine.
I just don't like letting anyone in... I mean I let you in I am trying really hard to let him in but sometimes I snap. I over react I put too much emotion into certain things. Sometimes I am trapped in my own little world.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough.... I put up these walls you know...
Thank you for listening to me.
His promise was that someday he marry me. He got me a necklace with our favorite quote. I just don't think I can accept that tho...
[center Wolfy you can’t think this. I know what it feels like to think you don’t deserve someone. I do it a lot. Some days worse then others. Then I think... With his guidance that maybe... Just maybe I deserve him after all the shit I went through and even though sometimes things have been a little difficult I still deserve him. I still love him. It’s the same for you wolfy. You went through a lot. Now you are with this guy who is nice to you and who loves you. Just because you have bad days or are in a rough spot doesn’t mean you don’t deserve him. He isn’t a fucking doormat wolfy. In all honesty he’s making himself one.
Sometimes things happen. Things are said and we get upset. Sometimes we don’t agree on a lot of things and that happens. It happens with everyone even with friends. Even with family. It’s going to happen with the person you are with too. Yeah it sucks to be upset and it sucks to not agree with one another but that’s apart of being human. We are all different. When he upsets you he just has to apologize and then the two of you talk about it. Talking really helps. I’ve learned that over the years and I’ve found that just talking about how I feel makes things a lot easier. Hiding the way you are feeling only makes things worse on the both of you.
He doesn’t have to be a doormat and he should know that. He should be honest with how he’s feeling with you. To tell you that he even feels that way... Jeez. At least he was honest I guess, but he needs to communicate more. He needs to be able to be honest with you and understand if you get upset or don’t agree. It’s a part of life. The more I see this stuff the more I realize that he frustrates me a little. I think he needs to put in a little more effort. Or a lot more effort.
It doesn’t help wolfy when you have other things on your mind. It’s hard to focus when you are in your own thoughts. I get that way. Chris will be talking away or even my own family and I just won’t hear them. It’s not that I don’t want to... It’s just that... When you are in your own mind sometimes it’s hard to focus. It could be a ton of different things. You could be upset about something or angry. You could even be excited for something. The best thing to do is just apologize or explain you aren’t in the right mind set. Apologizing usually works though.
You don’t have to say exactly what’s wrong either. You can face them again wolfy. I know you can. You are a lot stronger and much braver than I am. You are no coward. You are doing things I should have been doing a long time ago. You are a great person. You just get depressed sometimes. Sometimes jealous and possessive. Maybe even sometimes angry, but that’s normal wolfy. It’s all normal human emotions. He won’t leave you because he clearly loves you. Wolfy sometimes difficulty is okay. Things happen. Sometimes you both will be difficult for one another and that’s something you both have to overcome. You’ll be stronger for it.
Love is pain wolfy. It goes hand in hand. You said you watched Bojack right..? All of it..? Do you remember Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter divorcing..? She described their relationship like a magic eye poster. That if she squinted hard enough she could see how good it is. She was referring to their marriage. She said she got tired of squinting. She ended up heartbroken again when she found out he moved on. Wolfy... Don’t do that. You can overcome the pain. Deep down I know you are happy with him. You just have bad days. If you didn’t love him you wouldn’t be jealous.
If he thinks you are perfect than that’s great. You and me don’t think much of ourselves we never did. I think you are great though. Pretty and smart! You are perfect. Perfect for him and the perfect best friend for me ~
Wolfy I noticed that when I accepted that I needed to just trust Chris and let myself fall down the rabbit hole I started to feel better. A lot better actually. Yeah there may be pain waiting, but at least the fall was fun. It’s not like it’s going to kill me in the end. At least I hope not. I can get back up and try again... And if I can’t... We’ll then it’s okay to be on my own. Live and learn. We are still young. I am accepting what my deep feelings tell me... That I’m doing the right thing. Even on my worse days when I fear everything will fall apart and I’m going to end up hurt... I still have a feeling that’s deep telling me I’m wrong and everything’s going to be okay.
As cliche as it sounds there is always a light in the dark. You aren’t all darkness wolfy. There’s light in you.
You can accept his promise wolfy. I don’t know what it was, but you can accept it. You do deserve it.
No you don’t need to be alone. You don’t have to be alone. You may be trapped but you can escape wolfy. You aren’t caged. It’s simply a state of mind. Humans are great you know..? We can change if we put our minds and hearts to it. It’s extremely hard when we have mindsets that turns every emotion against us, but wolfy we can change. It’s just breaking out of it all. You can do it if you really try.
If you stop worrying. Stop stressing. Just try your best and relax wolfy and things will be fine.]
[h3 [center These make me feel a little better.]]
I don't deserve him. He too sweet to me. Consider I am a monster. I guess I made he feel like he was a door mat. He told me he didn't dare to upset me... Don't dare to go against me. Didn't know he felt that way.
I really just want to be alone I just want to disappear....
With work and all this I am tied up in knots.
It's really bad when I guess his family say thing I don't listen. Out one ear through another... I don't know how I can ever face them again... I am so cowardly... I just want to hide.... I don't understand why he still love. He told me he won't leave me. I really don't understand way... if I am so difficult why stay. What he point if there is only going to be pain. He says I am perfect... I can't accept that.... I don't think I can accept his promise either. I don't deserve it.
I should just be alone.... I am so bitter trapped in my old ways.
Work certainly didn't help things today. Nothing is ever good enough there.... I am never good enough... I am so tired of that feeling...
All I wanted was to be alone there. I wished I work when there wasn't any people. No coworker just me.
Of course there are other things weight heavy on my mind. I am still upset, I thought I was over it but no I am still mad someone else touch his hair. Maybe it was just a friendly matter but it still angers me... Whatever
You were right you did see my jealous side. My doubtfulness that was taking over. How I seem down... how I am over flowing with emotions. So you let another girl touch your hair, how I wish I could just forget that. I can't all I can see is her touch you... how simple it could be for you to just slip away.
Tell me if we didn't have everything that was going on would you?
Part of me wonders that.
You tell me you think it is odd she likes your shaved head why she so fascinate by it. Maybe she likes you... I mean you say she is a nice girl.
She probably thinks you are pretty nice too. You are right I am jealous... bitter in fact...
Maybe if you told me this last week... or maybe never at all I wouldn't of cared... This week is the worst time ever to tell me something like that... You will never understand but since I was young men were bad. They a were hurtful lairs. It's hard to grow out of your old ways then to have your mother tell you to never trust anyone... I am finding it hard. Hard to trust you. You don't know the weight of your words.
I really should stop but this doubt I am trapped in... I am drowning in it.
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/kHwgz98.gif]]
When I am down and lonely I find myself listening to this song...
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.