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[size10 two. more. days. left. two. more. freaking. days. left. til the process starts. she probably won't come til the 26th and that's okay. she's a february baby, not a march.
not that anything is really wrong with the month of march just...lots of birthdays and a death that i would not wan't to relive.
either way, i'm nervous, antsy but so excited. so excited to see her face, hear her cry and just...touch her. know that she is real and she was made from love. that she is mine to protect.
the amount of love that i have for her is overwhelming. i love p this much but holy shit. this little girl...it's so extremely unconditional. so extremely heartfelt.
my mind is so busy, thinking of so many things.
i love you, my little girl. daddy and i will be holding you in my arms soon enough. i will love you with all my heart and protect you always. mommy and daddy will always be here for you, my most wished for child.
forever and always.]
[size10 even with her bpp and nonstress tests coming back with flying colors...they want to take her early. i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't worried. i am worried. i'm freaking the fuck out. it's hard when you think you have three weeks left and then learn that you only have one.
my sweet baby girl, as much as i would love to see you...i wish i could hold you in a bit longer. i don't want you to come out with issues. you'll already be in premie clothes and that scares the fuck out of me. they teach you to be afraid of that kind of thing...premie.
i know, deep down, that everything will be alright. you've shown your strength and you're a strong little girl. momma just wants you to be okay. i want you to come out okay...be okay. for us to be okay.
we have a fantastic support system here. nana, papaw, your daddy. they're fantastic people that will support us through it all. now grandma on daddy's side is a bit of a...stress. she will definitely be black listed. > >
the 25th. at 8pm. you'll probably come on the 26th. which is okay. you'll be out little february baby. you're already the most beautiful and perfect human being ever. i saw it in that 3d ultrasound. when we had that last bpp...you showed us your strength...your will...grabbing your little feetsies...exploring them. i'm tearing up thinking about how lucky i already am to have such a daughter like you...daddy and i are so excited to see you. i will do everything in my power to ensure your safety and well being. i will protect you til the end of time, evie. even if you swear you hate me later in life, like i did my mother lol, i will always be there. forever and always, my sweet pea.]
[size10 they called. so i only waited about four hours after i posted that. i'm to see a high risk doctor. they think there might be some growth restrictions. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't terrified. i know shes kicking me like crazy. so her strength is not in question. i just...i don't want her to come early. i mean, of course id love her to. id love to see her in person sooner but...not on these terms.
evie, my sweet baby girl, you are strong. stronger than mommy ever imagined you could be. the shit we've gone through together already...i know you're strong. we got this baby. we do. you'll be fine and so will i. we will make it out of this together and become a family forever. i will do everything in my power to protect you. always.]
[size10 I just want to know if she's okay. I want to know what the next step is. I want to know, I want to know, I want to know. I need to know if my baby is okay or if she needs to come early. Why must I get tortured with such a wait?]
[size10 i should really put a positive post in here so here it goes.
on tuesday, i get the final ultrasound of my baby girl. im so excited to see her and i hope she cooperates with daddy and i! last time, we didn't get to see her so lets hope it works out this time.
i got my contacts and boy, oh boy...its so different. i feel weird and idk if i look good or not? every says i do but im so...just not use to looking like this. maybe it'll feel different after a few days.
theres four weeks left. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't nervous about delivery. as someone who has never had surgery or anything really crazy done to me, i'm rightfully nervous. i trust my doctor though. she's a good lady and i know the team is good. the pregnancy has been EASY and so BREEZY. i got truly lucky.
i also...used code tammy....at adam and eve....for a wand, lmao. i've been wanting one so fucking bad. i finally got one. told p that we'd have to use it in the bedroom. tbh, i cant fucking wait. it's going to be so good. by itself and with my man. it should be here before valentines day...wink wink.
p's got some plans. wants to buy some nice cuts of meat and make me a steak. only issue is he can't cook worth shit so he wants me to supervise, haha. i'm not surprised and have no issue supervising. itd be nice to show him a thing or two. we do have those cast iron skillets. i have some issues cooking steak, depending on the cut. we will have to really pay attention, haha.
i still don't know what i want to get him. i'm kinda lost. he bought himself practically everything i was going to buy him last week so...fuck. obviously, he will get it in good but i want him to have something else besides my box, lmao.
man, i'm glad i don't know anyone on this site and that none of my friends get on here. i'd be really fucked.
speaking of which, i've noticed a lot of very young people on here that don't know how to write worth shit. schools really aint teach these kids anymore, eh? i love the ones that say, "age: not telling unless youre my friend"
okay so you're twelve, got it, lol.
anywho, life feels okay now. i feel okay. hormones are obviously going a little wacky. so, yeah. but i love p. i love my girl. i can't wait to meet her.
[size10 god, i hate....no, maybe not hate. strong [b STRONGLY] dislike you. i don't care if you are his mother. the shit you've said is unforgivable. the shit you've done to him is unforgivable. the fucking drama you have caused is [b INSANE]
you said i called you a bitch to your face at my fiances' sisters' wedding. first of all, i was never alone with you. not once. p and i just started dating. im not the kind of person to fucking call you a bitch. i didn't even know you. you are his mother and i wanted to make the best impression, especially since you already hated me because i wasn't a catholic. yet, after four fucking years of hearing that i called you a bitch and was so disrespectful, i fucking apologized. just to drop the fucking situation! hoping to move on.
now, hearing you talking shit about me to his work is ridiculous. i'm a bitch. i'm not good enough for your son. i'm not this. i'm not that. well, guess what? is it up to you? Fuck no. it's not. p thinks i'm amazing, sweet and everything he needs. you've done nothing but constantly judge me, criticize me and put me down. i've said nothing. absolutely nothing. but guess what?
you [s crossed] the fucking line at my baby shower. talking shit about me and p to my mother at MY BABY SHOWER. how we changed the reception time and how it was extremely rude that we didn't let anyone come to our little elopement.
well guess what? when we first came to you to ask for help to pay for the wedding, you wanted nothing to do with it. you didn't want to help us. you didn't want us to get married. none of it. then when you found out we wanted to get eloped, you jumped on it as fast as you could. you booked a venue without checking with me. you picked music. you picked times. you picked the day. so yeah. we went behind your fucking back and changed it to what we wanted. guess what? you still knew we changed it. we told you. so don't go around and talk shit about how we disrespected you and didn't tell you. because you admitted you knew. so i don't want to hear it.
don't tell my mom you know me 'so well' and laugh at the fact i have anxiety. that isn't why i've avoided you for [b YEARS]. i've avoided you because you have nothing positive to say. nothing nice to say about me and are a two faced fucking bitch. you cause drama and you fucking [b LIVE] and [b THRIVE] on it.
now that i'm having his baby, you're all about it. pushing. and pushing. and pushing. and fucking pushing. pushing me to get this type of insurance. pushing me to lie to the government. pushing me to do this this way and that way. you're not my mother. i didn't marry you, i married your son. you don't want to be a holiday grandparent? that isn't your choice. you've done nothing but degrade me. whether it was to my face, to my family, to my husband to whoever. i'm fucking done. if you can't respect me and the relationship i have with p, then you don't need to be around my daughter. our daughter.
the lies you spread about your own son is insane. he's too done with it to go against your ass. well, i'm about through with it. i'm not going to expose my daugther to that and have her believing what you say. we are so close. [b SO CLOSE] to cutting you off completely. you're wanting to intrude into our lives after this baby. live in our home. hell no. i don't want your help. don't need your help. none of that. you're being so fucking fake to me because you know i have every right to keep you away from our child. and another thing, stop calling our child, your child. she isn't yours. you're not carrying her.
one more thing...one more fucking thing and i will cut you off. i didn't cut alice off just to replace her with your fucking ass. family or not. i'm so over it. i won't stress over this and listen to you after i give birth. i refuse to.]
[size10 february is going by so quickly. it seems just yesterday it was the first and now....it's the sixth. only thirty two more days left before she is here, unless she decides to be late of course. p and i are going out tomorrow to get the rest of our necessities. i'm excited for this. i'm excited to be a mother, just hope i can be a good one.
i'm excited to have a job again after she comes. obviously, i plan on taking a few months off to heal and get a proper schedule going with her. i just can't wait to start making my own money and helping out. p has been so good about taking care of me on his own. he should be knighted, lol.
january was hard, thats for sure. i was extremely emotional and like, yikes. i'm feeling a lot better. i feel confident again and like i got this under control. tuesday we have our last ultrasound and i can't wait to see her beautiful face. my sweet baby girl...how mommy loves you so much already.
saturday, contacts! can't wait to be able to see again without wearing these damn glasses. i hate them! they are so annoying.
i've got an appointment every single week after the next one. i'm preregistering for delivery soon too. it's all really happening and i still have moments of, i'm actually fucking pregnant!
its nice to see so many are excited for my baby. my brother, my parents, my friends. they are so excited to meet her. she has no idea how loved she already is. with every day that goes by, every kick that i feel, the love grows. who know a heart could swell this much??]
[size10 it's late at night and i have more on my mind than i would like to admit.
i wonder if you think would this be how my funeral went? would this many people show up if i had done it successfully? i wonder if you're thinking you're glad you didn't succeed. i know i am glad.
its heartbreaking, i know. when the news first hits, you're so lost. were there signs? what could i do? was i there for him enough? why didn't he just [i talk] to me? did i try hard enough? how could i have not known?
i know those are the questions running through your mind because they ran through mine when i saw you in the garage. our family, we don't discuss it much. it's a sensitive topic, especially for you. i know it'll be even more of a sensitive topic because of what he had done.
mom asked me the other day if i thought you were going to do the same thing again because of his death. i told her no. and i believe that. our relationship has grown. the whole families relationship has grown. you're going to be an uncle in less than 5 weeks. you saw how hurt we all were and i think it really changed your perspective....even more so since he did this.
i know the pain won't subside soon. trust me, even when you survived, my heart still hurt so badly. i can't imagine how yours is right now. i know the older brother is suppose to be this tough, looking out for the younger sister figure but you're allowed to break. everyone is allowed to break.
life is a fragile thing. even the most happiest people, the richest people, the people you see with their family on a christmas card can be the most broken people. we ask ourselves, how did we not know? does anyone really ever know? we keep our feelings so hidden and tucked away that we don't give it away. i know in school, i attempted three times and i woke up each time. no one knew. i just told my mom about my attempts a year ago.
this event has made me think whether i should try to talk to you again. it's only been about a month or two since i cut you off. i know how stressed and crazy you can get. honestly, i know you inside and out. but you never took the time to know me. you kept piecing me together as that same girl in middle school and i just...i'm not. i'm so much different now. i've got a baby girl on the way. all i wanted was your support and unconditional love, what i have given you over the ten years of our friendship. what did i get?
you shouldn't be a mom
you can't even afford your debt
you can't do it. you'll regret it
then you found out my pregnancy went so smooth, unlike yours. you kept telling me
it's still early. you can get gestational diabetes still
youre still early, anything could happen. i wouldn't be so confident.
you wished such ill on me, you wonder why i didn't try to talk to you about my appointments. my inner thoughts. because you shit on every single one of them.
you got upset that you weren't there for my very private gender reveal that was actually a surprise from my mom. saying you were 'family'. i haven't felt like a family since the end of 2018. all by your doing.
you brought in someone that treated you like shit for years and slowly replaced me. i saw it coming so i took myself out of the equation early. you questioned it, saying you loved me to death. that if anyone should understand being busy and having a life, its me.
i understand having a life. but when you shit on me all the time, ignore my texts and calls, me asking to hang out, me begging for your attention only to find out you've been hanging out with her. getting your nails done with her. going out to eat almost every night with her. well, yeah. obviously life isn't too fucking busy for you.
i loved you, still love you. with every inch of my being. you were there for me during some of the hardest moments of my life and i for you. i would've gone to the end of the world and back for you. you were my literal everything. but towards the end, it was obvious i was not that for you. you thought of me as broken and someone that was way below your level. so below your level, you tried to get my own mother to talk shit about me.
you of all people know how 'savage', as you call it, i am. so yeah. i called you out on your shit. let you know that's my mother. not your mother. my mother knows everything we've been through. everything you've said, done. so don't even try it.
i still get so angry when i think of the shit you said to her. the audacity that you had to say that shit. i don't know if you're that dumb or if you've just magically grown some fucking balls. but i don't stand for that shit and you should've known better.
so the answer? no. life may be short for some. it may be a fragile thing to handle. but that doesn't mean we have to accept toxicity into our lives for the fear of someone we once cherished and loved dying. i once wanted to grow old with you after our husbands passed. we were the s'. but that is smeared into the dirt and i will never talk to you again. you ruined it. [i you] ruined it.]
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