Jay grew serious then. He could tell she was worried about the future. Almost as much as he was. She was so strong, but he had to remember that she deserved her weak moments.
He looked her in the eyes. "I promise," he said softly, making sure she knew he meant every syllable. He kissed her lips. Then her jaw. Her neck. "I promise you that I'm not goin' anywhere." He gave one last kiss to her chest before laying his head above her heart.
He knew that he might not be able to help it. If something happened again… if one of them was taken or worse… but he pushed the thought from his mind. They would deal with the troubles as they came. They would live in the moment. Jay would never willingly leave Aurora.
After a long moment of silence and tracing her hip with a finger, he sighed deeply and looked up at her from where his head lay on her shoulder.
"I thought of nothin' but you…" he said low. "It was the only way I managed to… I was locked away with someone. And every time I thought I was gonna break he told me to think about you…"
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She was about to answer his question she then he missed her. It was enough to make her words disappear and she had no idea what she was under his spell. Aurora wrapped her arms around him and stepped closer, pressing her body flush against him as they kissed.
"Because I love you." She said before she continued to kiss him. She wanted this and she hoped that he did too. "I want you Jay." She said as she kissed him deeper and started to push him towards the bed a little.
"You are everything I've ever wanted or needed."
She pulled away and looked up at him with a look he hadn't seen before. And then she stepped back. He hadn't expected her to start undressing, but he didn't look away when she did. His eyes stayed locked on hers. And only when the clothes were on the ground did he let his eyes wander. They landed on her belly then went back up to meet her eyes once more.
He closed the distance again, pulling her close. "Why would someone as gorgeous as you want to me with me?" he asked softly, moving hair from her face. And then he kissed her. Deeper than he had any time before.
He was right. This wasn't exactly ever going to be easy. The world was a completely different place and love was already complicated before all of this happened. She just remained was she was for a while and allowed him to hold her and she tried to will the guilt to wash away. It wasn't until he started to make light of things that she looked up at him and she chuckled a little. It hadn't occured to her how much they had skipped in their relationship.
Aurora looked at him then, a new determination in her eyes and she took a step back from him and started to undo the shirt that she was wearing. Once that had fallen to the floor she pulled down her pants until she was stood before him in her underwear, a small swelling where their baby had started to grow showing.
"Then maybe we should correct a few things."
Aurora buried her face in his chest, then and he couldn't help but feel his own amount of guilt wash over him.
"Don't be," he said softly. "I'm sorry, too. But maybe we don't get to be sorry anymore." He wrapped his arms around her, one around her waist and one in her hair. He kissed the top of her head softly. "The world ain't exactly making this easy for us."
He held her like that in silence for a long moment. "I feel like we're doing things backward," he said, letting out a low amused breath. If we were back in Fairgarden I would have at least taken you on a few dates by now." He hoped his jokes, however bleak, were lifting the mood. "I would have been worried that I was too old for you. That I wasn't good enough." He kissed her hair softly once more. "I would have convinced you to stay with Harrison's help. We'd move in together." He rubbed her arms affectionately. "We'd spend a few years like that before the baby. I'd definitely see you naked before I got you pregnant, that's for sure," he joked.
To hear that he didn’t really regret the first time they were together came as a relief. In some ways it meant that he didn’t regret getting her pregnant either. They both should have been more careful but they weren’t thinking about that then. It had been a primal need.
She looked to the floor a little, feeling guilty about the fact that she had given him so much space. Clearly it was the wrong thing to do because he needed her around. She was just doing what she thought was right for him. He needed to heal and if she was there all the time...she didn’t really know what she had been thinking at the time.
Aurora only looked up when a hand found her cheek. They were having a baby. She already knew that but she didn’t know why it was only until now that it really sank in. Maybe now that he was feeling better and didn’t feel so weak he could handle talking about these things.
Aurora closed whatever distance was left between them and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. “I’m so sorry Jay.”
Jay listened and nodded slowly. He hated to admit that it made sense. But he had to clear some things up.
"I said that... because being with you like that... I just... I forgot everything. How the world was. And I thought maybe that's how it would be again. Just you and me. I want something else to think about other than what I-" he swallowed hard. "I wouldn't regret it. I never really regretted it the first time. I wanted to, because I thought it was the smart thing to do, but I'm through trying to play smart."
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I'll get over what they did to me. Eventually." He was whispering now. "But I made a friend... and what they did to him... what I saw..." His eyes watered just thinking about it. He couldn't say any more.
"I just wanted to come home. Come back to that feeling. Even if it was just sitting and holding your hand for hours on end. But I never see you." He paused and lifted a hand to the side of her face. A single tear fell down his cheek. "We're having a baby," he whispered. "Shouldn't we start acting like it?"
She let out a little bit of a laugh and shook her head. "You have been through a lot Jay. I don't know what happened to you and I'm not asking you to tell me but you said you were good...physically. I figured you had lot going through your mind and I didn't want to push anything on you that you weren't ready for." She shook her head and breathed out. "And the first time we... you regretted it and I didn't want you to feel that way again."
Aurora was the one to look away this time. It felt silly now she said it and she hadn't even realised that was why she had been holding back until now.
The wave or relief that washed over him felt almost as good as that first hot shower he had after months of torture. Her hand in his felt right. And like it hadn't been there- truly been there- in some time. He watched her face as she spoke and he knew she meant every word. He sighed heavily.
But then her next words were out of her mouth and the tension rose again inside him. He felt like a stretched rubber band lately. He knitted his brows together and looked at her with a worried expression.
He could only ask one thing. "Why...?" He searched her face for the answer.
The moment he told her what he had thought she had meant by hunting she went red in the face. It wasn't like they hadn't had sex before but that was different. It was in the moment and they didn't have time to talk about it or time to even think, it just happened. She didn't want it to be like that again. Not that she didn't enjoy it but they were both well aware of their feelings for each other now and it might have been a little naive of her but she hoped that the next time they had that moment it would be special.
"Shit." She said after a minute and then when he started to doubt her she stepped forward and closed the distance between them, taking his hand in hers. "Jay...no. God no! I love you. You think some scars or words that were said in anger months ago could change that? I loved you even when it felt like I hated you." She said with a little bit of a laugh and then she sighed and placed a hand on his cheek.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel a certain type of way. I didn't think you...wanted to...do that."
Jay let his old shirt fall into their new hamper. He was about to put on a new one when Aurora stepped into the room. His scars were there, plain as day. He knew she had been one of the ones to help clean them, but he still hated having them on display.
He shook his head at her question and pulled an old t-shirt over his head.
"No," he said softly and finally looked at her. "No... I'm just worried that I did," he said honestly. "You know- where we got that deer today- we weren't even a yard from where we..." He let his eyes drop to the floor. "Call me stupid, but... I thought that's what you meant by 'hunting for leisure'," he used air quotes for the last bit and he let out a laugh that sounded far from amused.
God, he felt stupid. He looked up at the ceiling, as if he might find the words he was looking for there. "I get that I wasn't well. And I get that you're busy. But if I've done something to turn you off of me, just tell me now." He clenched his jaw a few times. "Is it... is it the scars? Is it... Still from the things I said before...?"
Aurora had changed into something more comfortable when she got back to the apartment. She wasn't planning on going outside again so it didn't matter than she was just lounging around in sweats, besides her jeans were beginning to get a little tight and even though she allowed them to sit a little lower she didn't enjoy the how uncomfortable they had become. Once she changed she lowered herself on the sofa and sighed, looking around the apartment as if to look for something to do. If this was before the world ended she would have switched on the TV or something.
She couldn't sit still for long and busied herself cleaning things up a little which felt far too domesticated considering the world they were living in. She stopped when she heard someone come in, half expecting it to be Harrison but when she saw it was Jay, she smiled a little nervously and watched him disappear into their room. Aurora couldn't stand feeling this way so she followed him.
"Jay?" She said his name as she stood in the doorway. "Jay, have I done something to upset you?"
Jay found Monica feeding the chickens. She got along well with them. They didn't make nearly as much noise around her as they did with the others. Jay approached and leaned against one of the wooden posts of the coop.
"Why so glum, Blue Jay?" she asked.
"I just need you to tell me I'm being an ass again," he said softly, putting his hands in his pockets and watching her work until he pulled back to glare at him.
"What did you do this time?"
He shrugged. "I'm better," he said, matter-of-factly. She jabbed a finger into his stomach and he let out a startled groan, grabbing where her finger had landed. "Alright, alright... [i mostly] better. I'm sick of being cooped up like one of your fuckin' chickens."
"That's not what's bothering you," she said.
He shook his head. He knew that, too. "No... I've hardly seen Aurora since she could leave my bedside. I thought we had this all figured out. I told her I loved her. She said she loved me, too, but..." He trailed off and shrugged.
"What are you saying?" she asked.
He leaned in closer. He could tell Monica anything. "We're having a baby," he said softly, but shook his head. "You know how many times we-" Harrison and Gabriel ran past at that moment and he had to cut himself off. When they were gone again, he looked back to her and held up a finger. "Just the once." Her brows went up. "I somehow got her pregnant after just one time. Nothing since. Am I being horrible here?"
To Monica's credit she tried not to laugh, but she couldn't hold it in. "No, you're not being horrible. What you're being is incredibly adorable," she said with a chuckle.
He rolled his eyes. He wished this felt cute. "I just don't know what I'm doing wrong," he said, defeated. "Maybe she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe... She just wants to stay with me for the kid."
"[i Now], you're being stupid," Monica scolded. "You were healing for a very long time. I doubt that's the best time for sex. Not to mention, she's really been pulling her weight around here. She... kind of jumped into it after... you know..." She went back to feeding the chickens. "I think the one your really need to be talking to about this is Aurora."
"I knew you were going to say that." He sighed and turned away from her.
"I love you!" she shouted at him as he walked away to head back to the apartment.
He hadn't expected Aurora to be there. He thought she might have been in the kitchen again or somewhere else outside. He hadn't had time to think about anything like he had planned.
He gave her a tight smile before ducking into their room to change his shirt. His was drenched in the sweat from pulling the deer and he was tired of it clinging to him.
Regardless of the fact that Jay said it was nothing she couldn’t help but shake the feeling that he was keeping something from her and she hated that. A part of her worried that she had done something to upset him before she could say anything else, he was already pulling away from her and moving towards the deer so that they could take it back with them. They didn’t exchange many words in the way home aside from some instructions to check the snares which she did, pulling anything that had been caught in them before resetting them.
She hated this feeling. It was almost like something was hanging over them and she started to worry that now he was feeling better he was beginning to change his mind about her and the baby. That feeling only intensified when they got back to their camp and the first thing he did was leave to find Monica.
“I...” he was already gone. She let out a sigh and a frown set in. She didn’t know what she had done to upset him and that made her feel awful. Aurora decided she would take the rest of the day off and go back to their apartment. Harrison was playing with Gabriel nearby and she gave him a little wave on the way back.
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