[Font "century gothic" Just a place to store things / thoughts and feelings.
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I haven't posted anything in here for a while. I wish I could say I had something good to say, but I don't. Today was just frustrating at work. It made me rather grumpy.
It's really cold outside, I wish I could go home but because of the weather I have to stay here. The wind is so cold. It just sounds nasty out there.
So do you even miss me? I haven't heard from you since yesterday. I am glad you made it home safely yesterday. I sometimes wonder if you want me to come home? I am sure you do but my depression is telling me other wise.
I just had a bad day snapping at everyone including all the cats. They are so cute and playful. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Luna your little cuddles helped a little. I'm sure more sleep will help my mood.
[center I wish I loved myself enough last night to charge my damned controller. I guess I could curl up on my bed and charge it from the wall... I may do that so I can keep myself busy...
There was a lot of things said last night that I didn’t talk about directly... I didn’t give any real response and... It’s because I was thinking about it.
It’s so hard for me to answer things and to respond to things sometimes.
If you asked me to come home with you I most likely would. Because that’s where I feel my place should be. Is somewhere with you.
I already acknowledge that someday I will be leaving my family and friends behind. It’s a part of life and it’s not like I would lose contact with them. I would visit them too.
Now the big one that I talked on a lot, but didn’t say much. When I told you the truth about my dad... I wasn’t looking to be saved. I wasn’t looking for someone to come and find a way for me to escape home. I felt you needed to know because we were getting so close.
I could have went awhile without telling you. I have with my friends and did with my family. I knew what my friends would do. I couldn’t have that weighing on their mind and I didn’t want it on yours either.
Now everything may be a little better... but he still tries to manage my life so that he has some control over me. I’ve given in to this control before.
It’s made me rather timid and submissive. I don’t know how to be strong anymore or brave. I don’t know exactly how to take charge anymore either.
I can’t even defend myself. I’m afraid. It’s funny... I just don’t want to hurt anyone...
I was looking out for my family and not myself. I always look to others before myself... and yet I’ve been called selfish when I want something of my own.
I like our serious talks. It gives me time to reflect and think about things.]
I simply feel down today. It just over the little things.... I wish I knew what was wrong but all I want to do is cry. I just feel...hurt... It simply the little things. It's not even that time of the month but my emotions are sympatric today...
[center It’s not starting out to be a good day. I’m tired and my emotions aren’t in order. I feel like crying. What’s great is it’s about nothing. Lovely.]
I am so tired of this weather already. I really just want to go home and see you... I miss you... I haven't stop missing you. I know better job comes first then, us. I am off tomorrow I hope I can come home then. I want to see you....
[center You know it’s funny. I knew how this was going to go. I knew in the end this was the solution. Yet I was hoping it wasn’t. I have so much respect for my mom, but I have lost all of that for my dad. Instead I’m left terrified. I don’t trust that he won’t do anything stupid and I can’t take what my mom says seriously. She acts like she can handle him but we both know better. All they do is argue and fight anymore. It’s a lot more than I expected.
She acts like everything is going to go fine. It won’t. I know it won’t... and she expects me to sit down with them all. To put everything out there. That’s not what I want to do. I know what’ll come next. The yelling and then... Everyone telling me to defend myself. If I defend myself it won’t be good. All I’ve done is held in anger and every nasty thing I could have said before.
Acting deadly calm. Calm doesn’t seem to exist anymore at the moment. Maybe in the end I don’t have to worry about it. There’s always a possibility it’s not going to work out this year.
You know Wolfy... I’ve thought about running off... Just not with him. No one worries about that though. I just know I have no where to go. So I stay put. I need to get a job, but I haven’t done that yet either. I just let time pass.]
[center No wolfy. You are right in more ways than one. Can you believe though that I’m the one that gets called selfish..? I can barely stand that now. Even when it’s said to me jokingly. Selfish has become a bad word to me. I hate it.
I’ve done as much as they have asked me. My mom is understanding and doesn’t at all want me to just give in, but... She’s not exactly on my side either. She’s not on anyone’s side because... She thinks that will only make matters worse. Maybe in all honesty it would.
My dad though. We haven’t said anything to him and their solution is to tell him. I’m definitely not sure I want to be a part of that because then it means putting everything out there.]
[center The tighter you hold the farther she will run. Put her in a cage the more she will want to break free...
The truth can be painful. Can't it? It's bittersweet.
We're older now you shouldn't feel trapped. You shouldn't have to choose between family or friend. I understand it there house their rules but your still your own person. You have done a lot for them! Your life pretty much been taking care of their dog. It's not like your bad person.
You don't steal, do drugs, smoke, drink, murder! You deserve to have a little freedom. A little trust. I know meeting a stranger can be dangerous. You won't be alone. You are not just going to up and run away from him. I know your dad might not ever agree to him, or anyone for that matter. You need your own happiness. It is very selfish that he would make you choose such a thing...
Forgive me if I have crossed the line.... Sorry I have become quiet bitter of the year.
[center I honestly wish I was still sleeping. My emotions hate me today already. That’s fine I suppose though. Too much on my mind and none of it at ease. It’ll go away or I’ll cry and feel better. How do you remain so calm I wonder..?]
[center I said I was excited and nervous, but underneath all of that... I’m fucking terrified. I’ve spoken to mom a little bit about it. I need to talk to her more. Hopefully tonight, but it’s always so difficult and I talked with Gabe. I got this feeling he felt similar to how I did. Unsure and scared. Sadly not for the reasons one normally would be scared about.]
[center I feel better after I typed out that long message to you, but that doesn’t mean my mind isn’t lingering on things. I cleared my mind on it, but part of me still feels bad and yet... Part of me is fine. Maybe even cold. Sometimes I rely on that coldness to keep myself from falling apart. I’ve done enough of that last night.
I forgot it was my brothers birthday today. I didn’t mean to. Time just flys by and my mind isn’t normally clear of thoughts. I don’t clear them away like I usually do. I went in half for soda with him. I figured it would be fine. Though I really shouldn’t be drinking so much of that.
I’m down to 188. I still have a lot to lose though. Hopefully it won’t be long and I’ll be at my goal. A lot healthier of a weight then I’m at now. I know Gabe gets frustrated with me because I don’t seriously diet as much as him and mom do. So he doesn’t understand where my weight loss is coming from. I wish I knew so I could explain it to him.
I just don’t try to change what I eat or drink. Just how much. I wonder... If he goes out for a walk after dinner... Maybe I should go with him no matter how cold it is... I’m worried my hoodie won’t keep me warm. It’s too cold for just a hoodie. As for my actual coat it’s in storage I think..? Hell if I really know though.]
[+red [i I need to write in here but at the moment I am having a bit of a cleaning spell come over me. There is still a lot on my mind... A lot more that has entered it.
[center It's been a while since I have last posted anything in here ... Believe me I have a mouth full to say.
One everything seems to just be bothering me today. I simply hate this time of the month... It makes my emotion flare up and the wolf that lurks inside is restless. Believe me it is dripping in malice and hate... Just wait honey because surely it dying to taste your skin under its teeth...
Surprisingly work didn't bother me today. It was actually peaceful. Things seemed to go by smoothly. It was nice I got to talk to my boss I just felt so helpful.
One of the things we talked about at work, was how my mom asked for her key back. My boss and coworker were like what? They just shook their heads and told me I should just be done. They both think that my step-dad is a puke... I hope I didn't make them... him sound like a bad guy. Then again I just don't fucking care anymore. Today isn't a good day. My emotions are drenched in malice. The wolf inside of me is restless and just tearing at me. Telling it wants to see people cry. Wants them to see how I often feel on the inside. I know better. I will keep it in... I won't let that beast win. I won't let it out... Not today anyway.
I must be happy today. We are doing Christmas at dads. I need to put on a good face. Play the role as a happy go lucky child...
There is more that I want to say... share but for now I will stay quiet about those. It is only bothering me because it's that time of the bloody month and the lack of sleep. When you work all night you have a lot of time to think. My thoughts have simply gone while.
Honestly should be happy. I mean my honey told me some sweet things yesterday that just made my heart flutter. There was one thing, that I learned yesterday. Something you told me... yesterday it didn't bother me but today it does. It'd be rude of my to lash out about it now... Part of me just hoped you weren't like the rest...
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keMBtyjYUPQ ]
[center [#86b3f9 " I can't promise to fix all of your problems, but I can promise you won't face them all alone. "]]
Hold on to that quote...
[center For once I woke up early and now I can’t get back to sleep. For one I’m pissed off. Sometimes tasting anger on my tongue can be bitter but this time it is sweet.
A text from him at four in the morning because I missed his call. Phone must have been on low or I was that deep asleep. I haven slept that deep in awhile if that’s the case.
It’s something I should have been awake for... I am not the type to start a fight. Usually I relent and give up on things when I think it’s too much. Well I have to say I’m tired of this now. So fucking irritated with it. I don’t carry hatred for anyone. Life’s too short to waste my time hating people, but I do still get angry.
Occasionally I end up crying, but this is one of those times when instead I just feel the intense feeling to say something. So I am going to.
He’s done far too much for me to just let him go. I don’t know if he’s worried about what he told me or not, but I don’t plan on going anywhere. He’s mine. I don’t plan on giving him up to someone that may choose to play childish games to try and get him back.
I’ve been nice up until now. Now I’m starting to regret it. Don’t push me even further.]
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