[Font "century gothic" Just a place to store things / thoughts and feelings.
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Okay frustrating name setting please for the love of god... Go away. This... This is what’s going to take two hours. My creative brain has nothing >_<
Fucking finally... That was hell.
[center I have felt off for the last few days. I don’t like it. It drags me into feeling depressed. I didn’t want to get up this morning. It’s how I felt yesterday morning too. I don’t understand where this feeling is coming from and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m frustrated. I feel as if I might end up hearing or finding out something I don’t want to know. Maybe it is simply worry dragging me down like this, but either way it hasn’t been good. I didn’t sleep well last night. I don’t know that lack of sleep caused this though.]
[center I have moments where I wish I could get everything I needed to say out. Moments where I wish I could break past this cowardice and say directly what’s on my mind. Even writing feels like a block to me anymore.
Everything I write sounds colder to me than I want or mean it to. Nothing wants to come out right no matter how many times I try to type or write it. It irritates me. I half tell things and then shut down when I decide I no longer want to talk about it.
I did that this morning. I shut down because I didn’t want to talk about moving. What could I say? Does it really effect anything? Does it really have to matter to me anyway? I don’t understand anymore. I’m use to be talked to about things, but now I’m left behind. It doesn’t matter I guess.
Yesterday I felt like nothing was mine anymore.]
I am nervous about the job I was wanting.... I am really hoping they still offer it to me tomorrow.... My whole life could change because of it... So far... things aren't looking good... No was there today.... I think I annoyed the screen printing guys....
[center There’s so much on my mind. I’m not sure how to address or express it all. Sometimes it feels like too much. I always appear way too calm and collected, but I’m not. Instead I sit back and think about it all and then I wonder. I do this for everything anymore and it leaves too much on my mind half the time.
As for something not depressing I’ve been working on Overwatch a lot. Why..? Because I do enjoy the game, but I also like trying to get better. Standing on equal ground with you would be nice or being able to beat you. To me you are simply a boss waiting to be conquered. Love ya baby ~]
I am over whelmed, today I got offer a full time job at my second job. That sounds great. It would be normal hours, Monday through Friday. Less stress, but.... they don't offer benefits. Which isn't good since I will be needing to get health insurance soon...
I am also slightly nervous about changing jobs. I have been with my first job for so long. But it has changed not in a good way....
I need to vent. It is probably a good thing I never let you read that last journal post. I honestly hope you forget that... Yesterday was a bad day. You didn't help things. You stay away like I asked. Honestly I was trying to nap so we could go to the movie. Your gaming woke me up... again...
It's always been gaming... People always choose it over me... I have grown wary of it.... I know were I stand that is at the side lines.... Where I belong....
[center For the love of god just ask her out already XD
I’m right aren’t I wolfy ~ He just needs to do it ~]
[center I really should be posting to things... Right now though I just don’t feel like it. At least one thing is written up though... I just have to type it out.]
Work has gotten me stressed. That stress quickly turns into anger. I know I am slow. I know it takes me time. It's just so frustrating. How divided it feels back there... It's miserable. I am turning into a bitch, that place is making me feel that way... In all honesty I like it when it is just me. I like being all alone back there. I get wary of interacting with people... even coworkers.
Today I just couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't hid them. Anger slipped out and I showed by bitter side... I tried to hold it in but the wolf wanted out.
[center I’m depressed. I don’t know why but I am. I suppose it always creeps up on me at night. I was getting irritated tonight. For once I thought about just getting off the game and doing something else. I suppose only calm showed through. That’s all that shows I guess. A steady calm instead of what’s really there. Irritation. Depression. Maybe I’m just tired.]
[+pink You welcome Envy. I hope everything goes well. ]
I thought things were better. I didn't tell you how I have been feel but you apologized to me. Yesterday proved that things were still the same. The little things really do matter... Even if it is as simple as shutting the bedroom door why you play your games.... I feel like the other woman to your X-Box...
Someday I will go to work with out you noticing maybe you will understand how I feel.... How I always want a kiss before I go... before you go.. When you come home.... Maybe I should start telling you not to greet me.. I am tired of wanting to be held not getting it... Perhaps I am too greedy...
[center I meant to say thank you wolfy. Those are really good ideas and depending on how the talk goes today I will consider all of that.]
Hey Envy if you are planning on getting a temporary job all you have to do is tell them before they hire you is that hey I need this time off. If that is too inconvenient for them they won’t hire you! Luckily you live in a small town. Normally small businesses owners are pretty understanding. Trust me when you make your own money it feels so good. I’d just stick to basic jobs like grocery stores or flowers shops. I think you have a cute antique store there!
[center I’ve let my mind lay in too many places today. No surprise. Yes I know. It’s tiring. Being pulled down like this. One small thing irritated me and it brought me to this moment. This feeling. There’s too much to keep thinking about. It crowds in on me. Sometimes I can drown it out. I cant keep myself busy enough to stop thinking.
Mom is insistent I get a job. She wants me to save money. Wants me to plan a trip to you. She doesn’t ask me for much, but sometimes I don’t always trust my own family. She has to know that starting a job and getting time off in the same year can be really difficult depending on where you work at. It’s not like I don’t understand, but I think in a way she knows my decision already and is trying to find ways to keep me here.
In a way she is only making my thoughts more jumbled and it hurts me more. There’s nothing left for me to do other than to try and handle this as I always do. I wonder what talking Saturday will bring. Honestly I’m terrified. I can only hope all goes well, but really... What if it doesn’t..?]
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