[center [size09 - here's to brighter days , and better tomorrows -][pic http://i.imgur.com/Z4IVPf5.gif]
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[size09 I get into fights with myself a lot because I'm not a huge fan of myself. I really don't love myself all too much. But, I do hope to still be a shining light for those I care about. The world is shit, and all I want to do is ease the darkness of the world for my friends. It's probably naive to feel that way, but I do. I don't want the people I love to suffer, not in the slightest.
I've always maintained that I could be drowning, and still not mind keeping my friends from drowning too. Not that any of my friends would ever want that, but still. I love holding people up and keeping them from falling too far. Maybe I'm still more optimistic than I thought.
All that's going on these days, makes me wish that I could do more. I really do kind of wish that I had gone into nursing or something of the sort. Wish I could be on the front lines helping tend people's wounds. Since these damn pigs are still hurting people with these "less lethal" rubber bullets. I guess I'm a bit tired of living such a mundane life, and not doing anything productive to better the world.
It seems that I like humanity more than I thought ...
I think, I'll work on finishing my media major, then work on becoming a nurse. working with music is my dream , along with writing lol , but I could happily help people as a nurse while funding my dreams. that is one thing my therapist did teach me; more often than not, you can't work your dreams for a living, but you can always use your job to achieve your dreams. her telling me that has caused me to rethink a lot of things.
most importantly, at least right now. is finishing college. I want to be the second person in my family to get a college degree, after my mama.
on my worst, suicidal days, she keeps me going more than anything else. I don't want her to have to bury her daughter.]
[size07 pls keep your clerith away from me.]
[size09 I wanna briefly, but not too seriously, complain.
I'm angered by the happenings in the US lately. It makes me livid.
But, it's frustrating, not knowing where I "fit in" in terms of everything.
I'm not white, but apparently "POC" means a black person to most people.
it's a unique kind of frustration, to pretty much be forgotten by both "sides."
i'm latina, and from my time in college it seemed like "POC" was the right designation to the people I talked to about it, but who knows how the general public feels about it.
i've wanted to ask friends, but i don't want to detract from the real problem at hand; police killing black people. because fuck, am i angry about it.
but i'm mostly pissed at the government for trying to force hispanics/latinos/etc, into the label of WHITE. fuck that noise.
[https://www.wired.com/story/rethinking-phrase-people-of-color/ [size09 throwing this here because i'm tired of thinking about it.]]
in other news, I love my friends ! ♡ and I need to commit to finishing my reply to sagiso. i've had it planned out for a while, just haven't actually finished it up. i meant to be better about responding sooner, but here we are.
wish i could stop my depression and anxiety from randomly spiraling.
at least it's been a lot better lately!
well, goodnight . ]
[size09 i've been unusually stressed and it's made me not feel well. it's been hard to eat and keep food down. for no real apparent reason. nothing bad is going on, other than my aunt passing away. i should be getting unemployment soon, which will make things easier, and will make it pretty easy to get a place to live. i just feel .... down. it's been hard to talk to friends, unless they've needed a shoulder to lean on. i can't really open up for some reason. i'm just closed off.
closed off and sad.
been trying to get caught up with tower of god, but season two is so long that it's intimidating. i'm only on ep. 160 out of 337. a long way to go before i'm on season three. makes me wonder how they will handle season two when it comes to the anime, because it's so ridiculously long.
also trying to earn enough money from surveys to buy the recent volume of made in abyss. i'll be all caught up once i do, minus the two chapters that aren't in a volume yet. the fact that there's only two chapters left makes me wonder if it's over.
ah well. who knows at this point.
I can probably read them online though once I get the eighth volume and finish it. at least i found some extra free content on the japanese website ! now just ... if only i could read it. i should put some time into studying the language.
it's so daunting though because it's such a complicated language. well, I'll think about it later. my mind is all over the place. a million things i want to do, but very little motivation, as always. i'll try my best though!]
[center [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EqsxNC7i7Q]]
[size10 i found out that my aunt passed away. i don't feel anything. maybe a smidge of sadness, but that's all. i never knew her. i'm not even sure if i met her. i'm more worried about my mom and my abuelita. my mom was trying not to cry when i talked to her on the phone , i could tell. she was upset. and she has to tell my abuelita on mother's day .... then, since all 'this' is going on, no one is even sure what the funeral is going to be like, or what to do. she didn't die because of covid, but well. covid just seems to permeate into everything somehow .
I should probably lay down to go to sleep. still a bit bummed from not being on my meds for a few days. finally back on them, but idk. it takes time to adjust i guess. though there are a million different things making me sad. i don't feel like talking about it though.
well, since i can't tell my mom due to the stuff with her sister, my brother has to get tested for covid on monday. he says he only has a few symptoms that he's worried about and just wants to check to be safe and not get anyone else sick.
it's still worrisome. but , i'm tired now. the music i'm listening to is surprisingly relaxing. hopefully i'm not so sad tomorrow.
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_OF26DW0ac]]
[size10 off my meds & constantly about to break down . i've cried several times out of anger already . i hate this feeling . if i can make it through the next few days without offing myself, i'll consider myself grateful.
i envy people that get to be normal. it's something i've never known. something i'll never know. i don't think i'll ever be ok enough to be off medication . i do not get better. i do not know what it's like to get better.
kind of been wanting to just ;;; vanish, but well. too many people I care about and want to make sure their ok. though , it seems like most days they wouldn't miss me even if i did. maybe i'm just being overdramatic as always . who knows.
either way , i most likely won't use this journal for ... venting anymore . probably just music or image sharing . tired of censoring my thoughts, but i'm also too uncomfortable to speak my mind in a public place . i did make that private discord server for a reason ...]
[size09 I tricked myself into forgetting the reality of things, I'm sure. I'm tired of ruining people's happiness, or standing in their way. It was easy to forget when it wasn't really mentioned, but well. I don't really want to let myself forget anymore. It isn't my place.
I'll keep my distance, because that's best . well, maybe. it isn't fully my choice of course lol.
I keep making small progress on viir , but league keeps distracting me. and so does acnh. too much to play, too much to read. not enough time. need to pay my phone bill, but .... new made in abyss volume to get. .-.
need food as well soon, but. money is tighter than I want it to be. unemployment doesn't open up for probably another week or two. senpai won't go back to work for another week. just so stressful. please let this all be over soon. :x ready for the bmv to open so I can get my ID and finally start working again.
well, goodnight .]
[size09 was declined for unemployment even though I can't work. apparently I didn't make enough money weekly lmao. as if that's fair. why the fuck do things have to be based on how much money you made. I can't work because of this covid-19 bullshit but apparently that doesn't matter. so thanks world, for somehow always being against me. always makes me wonder why I bother trying.
been slacking on playing viir. too addicted to acnh , and honestly too tired to commit to the emotional turmoil right now. been sleeping ok lately, which is honestly so so nice .... reading tower of god & watching tower of god since it was recommended to me. hate having to wait a week for new episodes though. excited for next week's episode though, since it's my favorite part of the crown game.
been a bit grumpy lately. don't feel like saying much else. the end.]
[size09 man, league has some really toxic players out right now. covid-19 over here bringing out the worst people. and the worst in people. i cannot with this toxic bs right now . my wee heart cannot handle it.
i was thinking last night. i've never really believed in soul mates lke most people do, but i do seem to believe in star crossed lovers, oddly enough. but , not in a romeo and juliet kind of way.
i don't think star crossed lovers, at least in a realistic way, would play out like their story did. it would be two people who've known each other for a long time. their whole lives maybe. the feelings are there, but for some reason, they just can't get it to [i work.]
middle school was the start of their feelings. high school is when they realized. high school was filled with jealousy, passive aggressive remarks, and a variety of partners. there was heartbreak, comfort, the occasional kiss, and growing feelings. college was more of the same, combined with drunken parties, passionate make out sessions, and eventually sex.
finally, they try their hand at a relationship. they date, hold hands and kiss in public. there are movie dates, coffee dates, dinner dates. dates under the stars that end in making love. they move in together, and that's when things start going downhill.
there's arguments, control, manipulation. jealousy, anger, harsh words they try to take back but can't. it turns from love to abuse. it never becomes physical abuse, but the emotional and mental abuse is much more painful. they cheat, then split up in sadness.
time passes, they find new partners. maybe pass each other in the street but never say anything. it's an almost forgotten past, but each moment they pass each other reignites the flame. over and over again.
the jealousy returns at seeing each other with someone else. slowly, they reconnect. it turns from emotional cheating to physical. from abuse, back to love. from despair, back to hope. they decide to try again.
only to take the same path once again. not because they don't love. not because they didn't learn and grow. because for [i some reason], they just bring out the worst in each other. their story is all the same, no matter how hard they try.
stuck in a cycle. wash, rinse, repeat. unable to stop it, with their partners not being able to do the same.
no matter the time apart, they're always drawn to each other, but always doomed to fall apart. destined to never work out, no matter the pain, tears, love, heartbreak that goes into every failed attempt.
their paths cross and intertwine, only to inevitably unravel, over and over again.
i think that would be the truth of star crossed lovers.
a painful truth, with or without each other.
despite knowing how awful their story is, i found myself falling in love with it.
maybe i'll attempt to write it.]
[size09 vii has me feeling all kinds of things right now. I'm conflicted and curious. watched senpai finish the first part, and well. I'm nervous and excited. I'm not surprised that they changed things really, but I hope well ... That they do right by the game. I see why Red was so nervous now , haha . I still have hope and faith in square, albeit, not as much as I did when I was younger , but I still hope
wanted to play league , but the internet doesn't seem like it's cooperating. may go make food cuz I'm hungry. I do need to do laundry at some point, but I've been so unmotivated ... tomorrow, probably.
oh. amazon pushed when viir will be here by a day, and I'm not happy. :x one more day technically isn't a big deal, but I wanna play ... though I'm already past where the remake ends in the original game. well, at least that way, I'm ready to see what changes in part two.
wonder if they'll include the gold saucer date. man, the date has been stressing me out in the original lol, I really want Tifa's date to happen, but Barrett .... I need that achievement. ;/ may just play through it again later, just for that achievement. gonna be tedious though ...]
[size09 Apologies for the slight spoilers but ;;
Cloud had his own dance sequence and I am DYING.
It was funny, dorky, and so so adorable! All so Tifa doesn’t have to be Don Corneo’s wife ~
They did the scene justice, in all honesty, I loved all the little nods to the original quest in the original game. So far, I love everything they’ve added to the game. Granted, I’ve only been watching senpai play it, but it’s still been cool to see.
Ah. Got a little too excited over Cloud dancing and messaged my brother. Which was a huge mistake. He was so confused as to why senpai and I didn’t just share a copy lol. I’d rather us not fight over who gets to play it lol. I guess he’ll never understand since he’s not really a gamer and has never dated one. [i shrugs.]
Always annoying to hear him complain about games when he barely plays to begin with. Took the opportunity to school him a little bit. It felt kinda good, lol.
Ah well, my sleeping pill is kicking in, so maybe I’ll actually sleep soon. Oh. Forgot to say that I binge watched Beastars and finished it already. I love it! It’s super interesting and I can’t wait for the next season. c: I’ll probably try to start reading it because that cliff hanger. I need to knowwww. I’m too impatient. Need to work on reading other stuff too though. Like Made in Abyss. Well that’s all for now. c:]
[size09 I’m tired, really tired. But it’s practically impossible to sleep. I’ve been exhausted lately, but I can’t sleep long, or well. It’s almost 6am and I doubt I’ll sleep any time soon. It’s impossible to get comfortable anymore, and my anxiety is so high. I wish it would calm down, but it won’t.
I feel like I’m falling apart despite how hard I’m trying to keep it together. I’ll always put on a face acting like I’m ok, but I very rarely am.
It’s been hard to communicate with anyone these days. Either I feel like I’m not good enough to talk to the people I want to talk to, or they don’t want to talk to me. I’m not sure my mind will ever change on that.
Every time I build up some confidence, my anxiety tears it down.
I’ll probably just try very hard to keep to myself.
Well, goodnight. Hopefully I’ll sleep soon.]
[size09 watched advent children in anticipation. i've never seen the bluray version ... there were a lot of added scenes, and it flowed so much more smoothly. answered a lot of previous questions i had , when i watched the original. senpai tried to trick me though , telling me that the scenes had been in there before. ;c
can't fool me though ! i've seen the movie way too many times. watched it pretty religiously when i was in middle school .... the extra scenes with zack and cloud were great, and i enjoyed the extra scene with zack and aerith.
been tidying up a bit. put some stuff in the car, so all the pests in this place cant touch it ....
well, my food should be done, so i'll be logging off. probably going to play the old version of the game. watching senpai play the old version makes me wanna play ffx for some reason. i don't have it with me so . that's a nope. ah well ! i'll have fun either way. c: goodnight !
p.s. i'll more than likely work on responding tomorrow. still thinking on it ...]
[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/OiFvOhU.gif]
[size28 FINAL FANTASY VII SPOILERS AHEAD.]
[size10 read at your own risk. if you choose to read and spoil things for yourself, that's on you.
seriously, don't read if you'll get mad. I'll block you if you message me in anger. try me.
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