[center [size09 - here's to brighter days , and better tomorrows -][pic http://i.imgur.com/Z4IVPf5.gif]
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[size10 I need a job that doesn’t cause me to have panic attacks for 30+ minutes. Fuck this place, I’m out.]
[size10 I keep fluctuating between wanting to celebrate with my best friend and wanting to isolate myself. i'm tired of my emotions being all over the place. one minute , i'm excited. the next ? I feel horrible and like I don't deserve friends at all . one moment, i'm happy to talk with my friends, then the next i feel like they're better off. like they don't need me.
and if they don't need me, what's the point ? i've tried telling myself that it's always better to be wanted than needed , but well . i just can't make myself believe that. can't shake the feeling that now i'm the one they complain to their other friends around, rather than being the one they do the complaining to . gosh i hope that doesn't make it sound like i'm against people complaining. not at all , i just ... feel like i can't do anything right these days. maybe my job is taking more of a toll on me than i realized . it wouldn't surprise me in all honesty.
i think i'm done on here for the night haha . i want to play one more ranked match for now then switch to xiv for a bit. until senpai gets home , then back to league . ]
[size10 i realized today that i don't have a dream anymore, and well. i've lost sight of myself pretty badly. it's honestly a bit depressing, to realize that i've lost who i am as a person.
i ... realized, that my ex was basically a vampire. while i lost my hopes and dreams, she gained her own. in high school, before her, i knew what i wanted to do in life. i'd known since middle school. now ? i have no idea. i'm just fumbling through life. my footing isn't sure at all, the ground i walk on is unstable.
it's upsetting, but also .. a bit relieving ? if i at least realize that i'm lost, maybe i can find my way again. maybe i can find myself again. i thought i'd crawled out of my depression, but i realize i've been here for a while, i just never noticed. i almost feel like i need to do some soul searching now lol. get out of this state, maybe travel. just ... not stress and honestly figure out what i want to do with my life.
or even just decide on a career path. i really do wish that i wouldn't have rushed into college. wish i would have taken the time to actually decide on a career path, rather than wasting two years not knowing.
it would've saved me some trouble and money. i can't really switch majors now without wasting more time. it isn't that i hate my major, i just wonder if i'll ever use it now.
well ... that's all for tonight. probably going to play ranked league and just ;; either switch to fe3h, xiv, or play automata for the billionth time . i never know these days . ]
[size10 all I want right now is to be playing new horizons. cannot wait;;
I really don't have much to say other than I really really want it right now
I honestly want it more than I want vii remake or any of the other games on my list
I need to finish 3h but honestly I probably won't even care when new horizons come out
when it's out, if you need me, come find me on my island.
[size10 somehow forgot how toxic the ovw community is, like damn. dude literally joined team chat just to shit talk me. like bruh, why you gotta be that petty in total mayhem ? gods forbid I wanna practice a certain hero because I haven't played in literally a year. not like I'm practicing in ranked LOL. but ok, be a cunt ~ ezpz I'll just mark you as a shitty teammate & report your ass. I don't fucking play with people being toxic.
You can literally fuck off with that shit. I'm not letting anyone ruin my fun.
Literally just cannot tolerate people much lol. like fuck, I sure as shit would love to be good as widow, BUT I HAVEN'T PLAYED IN OVER A YEAR. lemme practice my waifu damn. she's not easy lmao, and I'm not the kind of person that uses aim bot. maybe I'll always be trash at her, but damn at least lemme try.
Also, pretty damn sure I was using her machine gun at the right time so fuck right off you prick.
k I'm done. didn't play xiv like I wanted to because damn updates but . it's ok . I'll play tomorrow after my appointment.
I do need to go to bed for that , but well. I wanna talk about this. My
tío is an idiot lol. He had a bone infection , or well, maybe it was just a regular infection that turned into a bone infection because he didn't bother to take his antibiotics. FIVE BOTTLES of antibiotics and he didn't take any of them. So now he's probably going to lose his feet. Not to mention he hasn't been taking his oxygen properly, and hasn't gone to dialysis like he's supposed to. They're keeping him in the hospital which y'know. fucking good. I have no sympathy for him. He's a grown adult that is capable of taking care of himself and he chose not to.
I'm honestly angry, because my mama is stressing over this and wishing she could do more even though she really doesn't like her brother. like fuck, you don't even deserve her caring about you. you treat her like shit and she still feels bad and even blames herself a little, but it isn't her fault. I don't wish for him to die in all honesty, but that's what it seems like is going to happen and I'm honestly indifferent. I don't think I've ever met him face to face, and if I have, it was so long ago. I'm more worried about the fact that if he dies, my mom will have to take care of everything. who knows if he even has life insurance. she may have to pay out of pocket lol. and when he dies, he wants to be brought all the way back to my hometown. she's on the other side of the country from where that is.
I don't really think that's fair to ask that of her, as much as I do want her to come back here for a bit. I'd love to see her. But, lol. To make her come all this way just to scatter the ashes of someone that burned a lot of bridges intentionally, well. I can see why it stresses her out.
ah, gotta go to sleep soon. I'm pretty tired and my appointment is at 1pm so yeah. goodnight.]
[size10 it’s been over a week and i haven’t been able to shake this feeling. i haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to the people I was talking to daily. I haven’t had the energy for anything. I wanted to continue three houses but haven’t even had the energy to turn on my switch. Haven’t had the energy to play kh3 like I wanted to. I was looking forward to the material grind for ultima weapon but now I’m indifferent. I haven’t even touched remind despite having been so excited for it.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me haha.
Unrelated thought but my brain is always either, “that person is upset because of you,” or “that person can’t possibly be upset due to you because you don’t matter.”
My brain really does hate me most days and I doubt that’ll ever change. I always hope I won’t die because of my depression but it feels like I will one day. It feels like this is all just a pointless battle that I’ll never win.
I’m getting tired again.
I’ll probably just ... take a shower than play automata for the millionth time.
I know things are going to be looking up soon but it really just does not feel like it. I don’t know. I just don’t.
Well ... ultrasound tomorrow. I’m nervous.]
[size10 I've been very down on myself lately. I know I shouldn't be, but ... I'm just mad at myself. I can't say why because I wish I could ignore it ,but well. I know why in my heart and in my mind. I can't really bring myself to talk to anyone right now. I'm sure that no one would be mad, and that no one would ditch me as a friend but ... my brain says they would. so it just drags me down more.
I wish I could be nice to myself. I've tried. I succeed sometimes, but fail most of the time. sometimes I wish there was a reset button, but the truth is, I wouldn't be me without all of the things that happened.
I don't have much else to say though . i'm going to play the sims and idk . mentally prepare to work the next three days. ]
[size10 I ... wasn't expecting that. I didn't expect you to find that in all honesty, it was so long ago. but , it made me happy. I don't know what to say, other than that was nice to hear.
I haven’t been very happy with myself lately and I haven’t been all too nice to myself lately, so I really do appreciate you. ♥️ I’m pretty sleepy so I don’t know what else to say but you honestly are a really great person. I’m still just so so glad that things are getting better for you. It’s about time that you get to breathe easy for once. Thank you for letting me back into your life again, sunset. ♥️]
[size10 fought this fucking boss like 20 times already and nope. haven't beaten it yet. fucking salty.
fuck this game.
I've leveled up 15 levels already and fucking can't beat this bitch. ugh.
edit; fucking did it !! was such a pain but hey ... learned that blocking is important LOL.
I mean I kinda knew but it was nice to know that blocking a boss actually works.
well, onto the next.
edit again; two bosses in one night seems lucky as hell lol, but I did it. guess that's all for a while. not exactly ready to return to the annoyance that is the cathedral. time for a break. probably going back to kh3.]
[size10 honestly, nothing is worse in code vein than dying to a boss and watching your computer ally just stand there when they could’ve healed you. like thanks ...
looks like I’ll have to grind in order to beat this boss. ah, it’s so frustrating. let’s hope it’ll be easier when I level up.
nest three days I’m off, it’s exciting. I’ll probably just grind in games. maybe I’ll switch over to playing kh3 since there really isn’t any rush to beat this boss now.
[size10 sometimes I wonder why I bother to open up to people and connect to them. not because of anything they do, but because I always fuck up , say things wrong, and end up getting myself hurt. my wordings are poor and always have been.
I was told that I'd get far in life by shutting up. By talking less. Back then, that advice made me angry. It sounded stupid. But now, I'm wondering if maybe it's true . talking never really got me anywhere good, and I guess. I'm tired of talking.
I suppose it's time for me to be quiet now ..]
[size10 I'm just tired of seeing my friends get repeatedly hurt. they don't deserve to be hurt like they have been. if I could fight all the people hurting them, I would. :I
I just want them all the be happy, even just a tiny bit. i've never really cared if i've ended up drowning in my emotions because i'm too busy caring for others. seeing the people i love happy gives me a reason to be happy. i feel like ;;; asking for anything more would be selfish. i'm not sure i could be happy anyways. not permanently. so the small happinesses have to be enough. seeing those i love be happy and thrive and grow has to be enough.
i'll wither one day, it's inevitable. all i can hope is that it's not anytime soon.
.... but ... i'd be lying if i said i didn't want my own long term piece of happiness. maybe, i can still hope.
ahah, it's been an odd day for me. i should retire before my brain goes haywire.]
[size10 it’s like you’re not even trying anymore. this is just too funny to me now. ah, I really should stop caring though. it isn’t worth my time in the slightest.
i know i’m a better person than this so, let’s be better, ok?
I should be asleep but my love of naps has messed up my sleep schedule once again. I feel a bit bummed today. I wanted cuddles from senpai but I didn’t get any, that jerk. I’ll have to pester for them later.
I did laundry and cleaned quite a bit, which was nice. It feels good to be productive. I’m tired of constantly being in bed though. Really need a living space for senpai and I ... in due time.
[center [pic http://66.media.tumblr.com/5648d3bd62f54e0d1591cf2fb6414aaa/tumblr_pgyippE64D1v02lsxo6_400.gif]
[size10 found out today that billie lourd is carrie fisher’s daughter and my mind is blown.
i already loved billie from scream queens and ahs so finding that out made me love her 20x more.
i can’t really describe how I feel right now or why this even matters to me so much. I just love seeing that she’s determined to keep her mother’s memory alive.
and knowing that she gave jj abrams permission to use unreleased footage of carrie makes me admire her a lot.
she loves her mom and it shows. also reading about how she never acted until she was in the force awakens because her parents never wanted her to act ... and how she struggled after college with what she wanted to do in life was honestly just relatable. it’s also just funny to me that I liked her acting from the start and then to finally realize that she’s Carrie fisher’s daughter, who I already admired so much??
I guess, as a fan of Star Wars from when I was little and growing up with it, I feel a bunch of love and adoration and respect. It makes me happy to see how much she loves her mom. It makes me sad too, because Carrie isn’t around anymore.
I feel happy and sad and in awe. I just find it so cool that an actress I already really liked is the daughter of the woman I looked up to growing up. Coincidences are funny like that some times.]]
[size10 this headache is killing me. honestly feel like I could vomit right now from the pain.
thanks for the chronic headaches, body of mine ...
i wanted to level grind in kh3 for a bit, to prepare for the dlc content but. can't when i feel this shitty. logged onto lol just to remind my friends that i'm alive, hah. can't play with them though . the fun part of working nothing but morning shifts when your friends all work 2nds or 3rds.
really can't type anymore.
barfy feeling too strong.
gods please let this pass.]
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