[center [size09 - here's to brighter days , and better tomorrows -][pic http://i.imgur.com/Z4IVPf5.gif]
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[size09 finished bna: brand new animal in less than 24 hours. sad that there isn't anymore, but it was so good ;;; I loved it. might check out the manga, tho I'm not sure what more it could add, considering the anime did come first. I could see the promare in it though, with all the neon colors and stuff. I loved it though.
should finish bnha sometime soon, since it's been done for a while. really need to finish kimetsu no yaiba as well. though I'm reluctant to, because I know some of what happens from manga spoilers. I ought to commit to reading more tower of god. I've just been immensely drained as of late. I'm way too stressed out, and my body and food don't seem to be getting along.
wish the made in abyss movie was out already ! i'm so eager to watch it. also wish there was a new volume already but. there's not. I could probably find a fan translation, but all the ones I've seen before were pretty bad. I guess I'll have to make do with reading it on the website it's being published on in Japanese. at least i'm pretty good with context clues.
i've been pretty depressed lately. too stressed for sure. birthday is soonish but. it's kind of whatever. i think i'll make the cake my mama usually makes for her and my brother. it's nice and not too sweet. definitely my fave. well, i'll check out for now. getting a bit tired.]
[size09 look, a guy can't date a dead girl. unless he's a necrophiliac. which is disgusting, and I'm not about to glorify that shit.
man, this covid shit has me scared ... like really scared. i'm too scared to start a new job, and too scared to go out at all. it's still very very not safe, and I hate it all. I'm scared for my mama, because it isn't safe for her, and it isn't safe for my abuelita. I'm just too worried these days. Kind of getting scared tht I'll catch it, or that i've caught it .
I feel too stressed right now. But , I'm tired, and a little hungry. probably just gonna jump off of here and play stardew valley. trying to get my combat skill up so I can craft the iridium band so I have an easier time in the skull cavern ... also waiting to propose to my boy shane. gotta get that last house upgrade. granted, I don't think I have to in order to get married, but I prefer to.
time to take my tired, angwy self to bed. ]
[size09 I should probably stop expecting so much from Dark Horse. MPD Psycho is a bitch to find in print, and just found out that they stopped publishing Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service after volume 17 so ... Looks like I'll probably actually have to learn Japanese or give up on ever finishing the series.
I'm just in a bad mood though. It's been an ok day, but I dunno. Just things bothering me, etc etc. I want to find a new job, but honestly, I'm too scared to start working anywhere with how unsafe everything is right now. still, i'm also tired of not working somewhere. who knows what i'll end up doing.
anyways, i feel annoyed now . thanks dark horse for always letting me down. ;o]
[size09 I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, and that it didn't hurt at all. It does bother me, and it does hurt. But I don't have it in me to speak up either. Not that it matters if I did. There's no reason to, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad or ruin anything for anyone. But it does hurt. My feelings [i are] hurt. I ignore it as much as I can, but the truth is, it hurts a lot. It bothers me a lot. I'm still upset, I think I initially cried , but well. I just. Can't do anything about it. It is what it is, and all I can do is accept it. No matter how much it hurts.
I'll turn a blind eye and forget about it, because it doesn't matter much. It shouldn't bother me really, but it just does. There were other things too, but well. It's been a while so I genuinely don't remember them.
I guess, at the end of the day, I probably deserve it. These things keep happening, so it's most likely my fault - somehow . The stars have never been aligned in my favor, so I don't know why I keep expecting anything different. Hoping for things to be different. Maybe it's time I fight the stars ─ and fate ─ instead of just accepting things as they are.
Maybe I'll just yell at the sky instead. ]
[size09 took a break from monster and watched all of Erased today. I liked it more than I thought I would. Sure, it was dark but ... there were also cute moments between all the characters. And even though Satoru didn’t get “the girl” in the end, he wasn’t bitter about it. He was actually happy for her.
When I first looked into the anime, it was painted as though he “went back” in time to save her, which wasn’t fully true. More than anything, it was to save his mom’s life, though he did make friends along the way and happened to save more lives. I did call who the killer was lol. they made him seem important early on so I think that gave it away. I also just had a feeling.
I really did like it though. Satoru was nice and genuine. He was honestly a breath of fresh air in comparison to the protagonist of one of the other animes I’m watching. That’d be Re:Zero .... So far, Subaru just seems insufferable and like he’s entitled to Emilia just because he’s saved her by being able to go back in time. He doesn’t deserve any of the girls lol. They’re all too good for him. Just dump his ass and let the anime be over lol.
I’m a bit sleepy and on my phone but trying to stay awake. 2020 has been wild. First two months were whatever but man ever since March shit has been crazy ... I definitely didn’t have “your fave is a pedo” on my apocalypse bingo .... it’s just so wild. How many people have been outed as pieces of shit in the last two weeks. First it was youtubers, now it’s pro smash players !! It’s anyone’s guess who’s next. Probably some league of legends pro LOL. I can’t say I’d be surprised at this point.
Ahhh, I keep finding myself wanting to relive aspects of the past and I’m angry at myself. But I miss the casual flirting a bit and just how .... easy and stress free it was for the most part. I miss the light heartedness of it all. I guess I’ve just been down in the dumbs and isolating myself again.
I want to start working again, but I’m really nervous to. I feel like I’m starting to get sick, and even if I’m not, I don’t want to get sick. I want to say safe so my mama doesn’t have to worry. I’m so worried about her too. Things are getting bad over there and I really hope she stays safe. Maybe I’ll take the time to put a care package together for her. Get her necessities so she doesn’t have to go out at all. I just really hope she stays safe. I’m not ready to lose her. I don’t think I ever will be.
I hate that she brings it up more often now. I can’t blame her though. A lot of people have passed in the past year or so. It’s not easy. I just can’t stand the thought of her not being around. I know some people say the elderly die of heartbreak after their partners pass, well .... I feel like that’s going to be me when my mom passes.
I don’t know how I’ll get through it, or if I even will be able to. It hurts to think about.
But well ... I’m going to stop there before I upset myself anymore. I try not to post much in here anymore, but I’ve needed to vent a bit lately.
[center [+white x]
[+white i'm feeling a bit n o s t a l g i c right now.]]
[size09 been binge watching monster, but man does it have me bummed out right now . killed off the private detective i was growing attached to, right before he got to see his daughter again .... almost killed off my fave old dude too, but luckily tenma showed up again ! happy about that at least.
man this anime is jerking me around everywhere, and i have no idea how it's gonna end. can't wait to see though. can't believe there's 74 episodes.
mm. been thinking about xiv lately. kinda wish my miqo'te had a bunny girlfriend but i don't really have any friends on xiv & i'm not a huge fan of trying to befriend people anyways ... doesn't matter too much tho bc my miqo'te isn't my main character anyways ;;
nothing else really to say. irritated. probs cuz it's nearly that time of the month. and my cysts. cuz i have horrible luck with my health. and everything else at this point. i was not "blessed" in any way at all lol.
seems like most people i know weren't though. i don't get why the world has to be so fucked up and hard to live in.
well i'm grumpy. time to bail.]
[size09 i've been extra down lately, i'm not sure why . i guess i'm a little fed up with things, and i dunno. i really don't know why i feel so sad. maybe i'm lonely, but i also don't have the energy to pursue friendships or even maintain the ones i have at this point.
ah , i've been oddly stuck on serial experiments lain and akira. been watching older anime overall, and it's been nice and interesting. the 80s and 90s put out a lot of interesting anime. lain definitely had some last two episodes of nge vibes. i enjoyed it though. reminds me that i need to finish ergo proxy , but i'll have to restart it since it's been a while. kinda wanna rewatch perfect blue as well. dunno why i enjoy the confusing and identity crises anime but here we are ... i already wanna rewatch lain & akira lol. they were just really good.
i don't wanna talk about the cryaotic situation much , but well. it's disappointing, for sure. i'm not surprised in all honesty, it's so easy for people to abuse power without any care until their called out for it, or the truth comes out, and it's disgusting. but i am disappointed. you always hope someone you admire is a better person than that. and in regards to him trying to "save face"; yeah, he probably is, but he can't just .... not say anything either ?? like, people are gonna be up in arms anyways. he could not apologize publicly and people would be angry, and any public apology is considered to be not genuine . it's a double edged sword and there is no winning, for anyone. i just hope he'll be able to become a better person and y'know. never ever do that disgusting shit again because it's so wrong.
i have no idea if i'll keep supporting him. i mean, i pretty much quit a long time ago because i could not stand cheyenne on the lnc .... too toxic to fans, cry, and the rest of the lnc.
on that note, a little bothered by the people that are like "it's up to cheyenne and the other victims to forgive cry." and yeah, that's true but ?? are we forgetting how abusive she was to him ?? she belittled him CONSTANTLY in front of everyone. she isn't innocent either. does not excuse his behavior, but sometimes i think abusive behavior gets ignored if the party being abused does something fucked up too. can't we hold them both accountable for being shitty?
granted i quit keeping tabs so maybe she's paid her dues. i really am done talking about this though. bumming me out even more.
[size09 so i hate the way the ps5 looks, but i know i'm gonna get it anyways . playstation still is my fave console, even when sony is fucking things up. i'm super super hyped for that demon's souls remake . so ready to hate life more than i already do. the teaser trailer was gorgeous as fuckkkkk. makes me want to go and play ds3 or bb, but i'm nearly done with the first season of sailor moon, and i really gotta commit to finishing viir. i've still been too exhausted to fully go through with playing it, but i'll try to chunk some of it tonight.
should probably make some food to eat. haven't eaten much all day ...
finally bought lelouch of the re:surrection, and i'm excited ! i ended up with the steelbook, which i didn't realize was a thing, but it's gorgeousssss. probably going to force senpai to watch it with me later. gotta finish konosuba as well, along with re:zero, and there's just ;; a lot to watch. BUT. i wanna watch my movieeee. i've waited so long !
been working on my acnh island, and trying to prep for swsh dlc that's coming out soon. i'm excited for a lot of things, and well ;; it's nice that i still have time to do things, but i really do miss working. gotta call places next week, and apply for new places if things don't work out. sucks that i got this job already, then had to reapply since i couldn't start working due to needing a new ID. thanks, covid .... at least the bmv reopened so i could get my ID. things are taken care of, for the most part. still, i'm impatient to start working again.]
[size09 ah , i guess i'm more lonely than i realized . i decided to message my abuser, something i haven't wanted to do in a while . i really just miss creating ocs with friends and weird things like that lol . it was, an odd form of closeness that i still find myself missing .
i dunno . i don't wanna force anyone to do such things , i just . wanna vent a little about it . i haven't really ever, and i've tried to ignore the fact that i miss it as much as i do .
i'm thinking a lot about a beastars oc for fun, but i dunno . i can't decide on an animal , i know what i wanna do , but i also don't wanna be cliche as hell . so i just keep fighting with myself . maybe i'll just sit on it for a while; focus on other things.
also ;; mamoru telling usagi that she's a smart girl !! ♡
honestly really important & super adorable
intelligence doesn't always equate to grades
well , i suppose those are my thoughts for a while. think i'll just doodle on my new tablet and practice my drawing overall .]
[size09 gotta binge watch sailor moon until I get to season 3 .... I really gotta see Hotaru's part again because it's still my favorite, hands down. i loved that whole arc, and i love sailor saturn so much.
thinking about trying my hand at creating a beastars oc, after diving into the manga some. but before i can fully commit to that, i gotta get the idea for this .. monster out of my head. it's been floating there for a few days, and i gotta just commit and write it out. i've never really tried my hand at creating a horrifying creature, so i think it'll be fun. guess i got tool to thank for that. i love them a little way too much lol.
I've been feeling a bit more upbeat, and I dunno. I just really wanna write and create five billion ocs that will just lurk in my head lol. i have a few old ideas that i should probably flesh out. i'm really excited for next to no reason .
i really should commit to finishing viir. haven't been in the mood lately, but well. i'm feeling more up to it. probably after taking the dog out, showering, and taking a small nap since i had trouble sleeping.
time for a small complaint about sailor moon crystal. the animation is mostly pretty but the relationship between usagi and the other sailor guardians is very .... bland. there isn't the level of interaction between them that there was in the original. it doesn't seem as genuine in crystal, and honestly, usagi focuses way too much on mamoru. it's nice to see more moments between the two of them, but honestly, i feel like it doesn't share Takeuchi-san's original vision. I enjoy it by all means, but it'll never compare to the original.
anyways, done with another small rant. back to watching sailor moon ~]
[size09 having my own place is nice. finally , i'm out of that hell hole. senpai came with of course.
i just, wanted to give a small update. i'm honestly too stressed from the sporadic moving , and i feel like isolating for a bit. i wanted to talk about other things, but i'm a little upset now . so never mind then .
please give me a few days and i'll be back.
edit: going to finish my thoughts now.
I was thinking that as much as I love Usagi & Mamoru, I love Usagi & Seiya too. I guess, I adore them as much as i do because Seiya reminds me of a close friend. Seiya is pretty non-binary and androgynous overall and I really adore that fact. Seiya & Usagi have a pretty unique relationship, and while Seiya does some not ok things at times, I can still enjoy their relationship.
Small rant, but I hate how people are expected to shame anything that’s “bad” even if the content is fictional. You can recognize that something is bad and still enjoy it. Seiya was pretty pushy with Usagi and didn’t always respect her boundaries and that isn’t ok, but I can still enjoy the relationship while realizing that there were bad aspects. Seiya is still attentive to Usagi, and I find that adorable and a nice thought.
I can also compare a character to a friend, without attributing the bad aspects of said character to them. I don’t have to be so defensive, but honestly sometimes this stuff annoys me. I can enjoy the fuck outta Sasuke without glorifying abuse lol. If people can’t differentiate fiction from reality, that’s on them. Not on content creators.
I suppose censorship bothers me. Or well, people getting angry at assault, abuse, etc, being depicted in media. You can depict bad things without advocating for them. Some people just don’t seem to understand that though. Content warnings should ALWAYS be a thing, but I don’t think creators should have to omit such things. They do happen, and sadly, it changes a person. So to fully cut it out of media wouldn’t be realistic at all.
Well, mini rant is over.]
[size09 I get into fights with myself a lot because I'm not a huge fan of myself. I really don't love myself all too much. But, I do hope to still be a shining light for those I care about. The world is shit, and all I want to do is ease the darkness of the world for my friends. It's probably naive to feel that way, but I do. I don't want the people I love to suffer, not in the slightest.
I've always maintained that I could be drowning, and still not mind keeping my friends from drowning too. Not that any of my friends would ever want that, but still. I love holding people up and keeping them from falling too far. Maybe I'm still more optimistic than I thought.
All that's going on these days, makes me wish that I could do more. I really do kind of wish that I had gone into nursing or something of the sort. Wish I could be on the front lines helping tend people's wounds. Since these damn pigs are still hurting people with these "less lethal" rubber bullets. I guess I'm a bit tired of living such a mundane life, and not doing anything productive to better the world.
It seems that I like humanity more than I thought ...
I think, I'll work on finishing my media major, then work on becoming a nurse. working with music is my dream , along with writing lol , but I could happily help people as a nurse while funding my dreams. that is one thing my therapist did teach me; more often than not, you can't work your dreams for a living, but you can always use your job to achieve your dreams. her telling me that has caused me to rethink a lot of things.
most importantly, at least right now. is finishing college. I want to be the second person in my family to get a college degree, after my mama.
on my worst, suicidal days, she keeps me going more than anything else. I don't want her to have to bury her daughter.]
[size07 pls keep your clerith away from me.]
[size09 I wanna briefly, but not too seriously, complain.
I'm angered by the happenings in the US lately. It makes me livid.
But, it's frustrating, not knowing where I "fit in" in terms of everything.
I'm not white, but apparently "POC" means a black person to most people.
it's a unique kind of frustration, to pretty much be forgotten by both "sides."
i'm latina, and from my time in college it seemed like "POC" was the right designation to the people I talked to about it, but who knows how the general public feels about it.
i've wanted to ask friends, but i don't want to detract from the real problem at hand; police killing black people. because fuck, am i angry about it.
but i'm mostly pissed at the government for trying to force hispanics/latinos/etc, into the label of WHITE. fuck that noise.
[https://www.wired.com/story/rethinking-phrase-people-of-color/ [size09 throwing this here because i'm tired of thinking about it.]]
in other news, I love my friends ! ♡ and I need to commit to finishing my reply to sagiso. i've had it planned out for a while, just haven't actually finished it up. i meant to be better about responding sooner, but here we are.
wish i could stop my depression and anxiety from randomly spiraling.
at least it's been a lot better lately!
well, goodnight . ]
[size09 i've been unusually stressed and it's made me not feel well. it's been hard to eat and keep food down. for no real apparent reason. nothing bad is going on, other than my aunt passing away. i should be getting unemployment soon, which will make things easier, and will make it pretty easy to get a place to live. i just feel .... down. it's been hard to talk to friends, unless they've needed a shoulder to lean on. i can't really open up for some reason. i'm just closed off.
closed off and sad.
been trying to get caught up with tower of god, but season two is so long that it's intimidating. i'm only on ep. 160 out of 337. a long way to go before i'm on season three. makes me wonder how they will handle season two when it comes to the anime, because it's so ridiculously long.
also trying to earn enough money from surveys to buy the recent volume of made in abyss. i'll be all caught up once i do, minus the two chapters that aren't in a volume yet. the fact that there's only two chapters left makes me wonder if it's over.
ah well. who knows at this point.
I can probably read them online though once I get the eighth volume and finish it. at least i found some extra free content on the japanese website ! now just ... if only i could read it. i should put some time into studying the language.
it's so daunting though because it's such a complicated language. well, I'll think about it later. my mind is all over the place. a million things i want to do, but very little motivation, as always. i'll try my best though!]
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