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/ By Carat [+Watch]

Replies: 40 / 204 days 4 hours 8 minutes 20 seconds

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[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/LxUYzVe.gif]][center [size10 I've got myself some medication to try and help sort out my mental state some finally, obviously it's not going to solve everything but I'm hoping it helps. Also got my appointment set up for my IUD as well. I'm making progress to become the person I want to be. Next step is make more appointments for other things I want to work on or towards. I also looked into hrt some and if I read my insurance's jargon correctly I would qualify for my testosterone to be covered solely due to being diagnosed with gender dysphoria. If that's the case then life isn't so horrible and I've got this. Ace isn't dead yet and we got this. Baby boy won't go down with out a fight, this boy will be the man he was supposed to be and if he has to wait until he is a man before he can reach out to his mother than so be it. Or maybe he'll just show up to his mother's funeral as a man. Who knows. Just know that woman's daughter has been dead since the day she abandoned her, the only thing that kept her alive was wanting her approval and never getting it in the end. No reason to keep that girl around if she's not wanted in the end anyways.]]
[center [size10 The greatest thing that woman ever did for me was abandon me because I'm finally my own person free to make my own decisions and feel happy properly. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not and put off life choices simply for fear she will cut me out of her life because that has already happened. So thanks, ma, I'm going to fucking make it no thanks to you.]]
  Carat / 144d 19h 3m 26s
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/eSV7zGC.gif]][center [size10 I'm either going to attract a freak or I'm going to send them all running for the hills with my God damn witchy tendencies. I swear to fuck I wanna be able to just be that girl that could find a guy easily but like fuck am I giving up what makes me me. So yeet them men who can't handle me and my full moon trances and shit.]]
  Carat / 146d 17h 55m 10s
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/eSV7zGC.gif]][center [size10 what the hell is this shit? I was doing so well. Now I'm back in this stupid hole. I was digging myself out of it so well and now I'm sliding back down the walls. Also how the fuck are you going to tell me that you gotta be my manager at work first and friend second but you'll bring personal shit up at work to the point I have a breakdown at work. Morte wound up coming out. I kept crying even though I didn't want to. You knew I would have an automatic reaction what the hell your issue? You could have told me today when we were out, but you told me yesterday while I was at work and just added more stress on top of me than I needed. I honestly don't know I how I do this. All I want is to runaway and I'm trying my damnedest to remember I'm an adult I'm not allowed to. I don't have any of those luxuries anymore. I have people who look at me and see me as disabled because they see the side of me I don't show well and then there's others who think I'm fine that nothing is wrong and I'm perfectly okay and just need to work through some shit. My mother wanted me disabled and pretty much made me as such. But it's hard making new people realize just what kind of mess I am with out fear of freaking them out. I'm a horrible person. I'm needy and I want things I can't have at the moment and I think that's what's killing me the most right now. I just want a companion and I have one but he's just so far away and our circumstances just make shit so fucking hard. I can't even get a day off to properly spend time with him most of the time. I feel like i ask for so little but it's still somehow too much.]]
  Carat / 152d 6h 55m 14s
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/MU4b9gu.gif]]
[center [size10 I don't need people talking shit behind my back because I'm sick of not being asked how i feel about being thrown in a position half the time. Y'all get to decide what you want to do all the fucking time but do I? No. I ask to run outside after we close and I get "yeah take the trash out" excuse me? No, see this is the thing y'all will run outside and take fucking 10 fucking minutes and it's okay, we run outside and we gotta run out and be right tf back in asap and it's bullshit. If I ask if I can run outside it's not to take out trash. I was about to fucking cry my fucking eyes out cause y'all fucking act like y'all only exhausted ones. Like y'all the only ones who aren't appreciated. Just cause I can run drive thru like that doesn't mean y'all should make me, and y'all fucking do. And oops sorry I bitched to Ryan about it cause oops I'm fucking sick of some of y'all bitching in my ear about it. Sorry not sorry. Y'all ain't got no fucking business bitching. I do this fucking position all the fucking time. Shut up I don't want to hear it.]]
[center [size10 if it weren't for the lack of options I'd just fucking get a new job and quit, but oops not many options around here, ain't it swell. Oh well, I could have moved but I had just got here so fuck that noise and honestly? I don't know if this current status with big boi bulbasaur all that bad and if it would have been a thing that could have possibly happened had I moved. So long story short, yeah I got fucked but maybe I'll get fucked wink wonk. Loljk I gotta stop being broke first for that to happen. Yeet.]]
[center [size10 seriously stop being fucking petty assholes when it comes to closing you wanted tf out of the store but you sure did the bare minimum once we closed and you saw I was doing what you volunteered to do. Like idk what you were doing besides just getting extra hours but you were so worried that once Ryan left it would just be us, which was 5 of us which is more than we usually have but whatever, go off I I guess.]]
  Carat / 157d 16h 38m 56s
[center [youtube https://youtu.be/HYHz4kZNuV8]]
[center [size10 I'm a sappy little shit and I hope you know how much I appreciate you lately. I can honestly say I've never actually appreciated you in this way or to this degree. This isn't me wanting more than you can give or wanting to take and give nothing in return. I don't really want much. I just want to give as long as you're willing to take it, I mean I can't give you anything of material value or of monetary value because I'm broke as fuck, but I can be a sappy little shit. I can also be a break from everything, I can be your break from life, from work, what breaks the pattern for you. Like I said I'll take the responsibility for being your reason to exist. I'll make my way to you but I'll be patient, and I know you won't let me be impulsive, God knows I want to so badly. I just want to run so much some times, but that's not how we're doing this is it? We're doing this properly and in a timely fashion and fuck it I can do this. I got this. I know I do. I'm a big grown adult who's made it this far, I can make it a little longer on my own.]]
[center [size10 you're my home and even though you're all the way down there and I'm all the way up here when I get to talk to you everything feels okay and thats nice. I hope it works that way with you too otherwise I'd just feel self centered.]]
  Carat / 158d 18h 20m 40s
[center [size10 apparently my ID wont allow gas stations to be lazy anymore cause when they scan it anymore it kicks it back and says I'm underage. I'm fucking 28. I'm just trying to buy cigarettes the legal age here is 18. I'm 11 years older than being under age way to make me feel old. Not anyone ever guesses I'm ever my age. I either get early 20s or mid 20s but when I tell people my real age half the time they don't believe me. Even when I offer to show them my ID that says 1991 on it. Like come one why tf would I lie about being that old. I definitely don't act it that's half the reason no one believes me.]]
  / Carat / 160d 6h 19m 34s
[center [youtube https://youtu.be/Xnzt4ZvmUtg]]
[center [size10 fear is good, the whole album is good but this song right here is the one. This is the one that's got me, hook line and sinker. 247 is a damn good song too. I'm just waiting for a live stage and choreography for fear because my bois got to be centers holy fuck. Boo Seungkwan, sweetie, honey, baby boy, I love you. I'm so soft for you it's not even funny. Woozi, honey, you're doing amazing and got damn idk how you look that damn good but you do. Hoshi, honey I'm going to have to fight you one day, I love you but just know we gonna wind up scrapping in a parking lot while woozi watches.]]
  Carat / 162d 10h 34m 47s
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/sjvdSiw.gif]]

[center [size10 i actually felt alive for like two hours. Told him he was beautiful. Was mushy. It was different than usual. It made me realize that when I'm "happy" I'm just existing. I'm just skating by. Waiting for anything to just break it down. Break me down. Must be nice. Feeling alive all the time. All I want to do now is leave. But I have to be a responsible adult. I can't just do what I want and run for the next best thing. For one I can't afford that and two it's not a wise thing to do mentally. Not for me and not for him honestly. We're both working shit out. I'm in a state where I would probably try to fight him on stupid shit if I was around him too long so distance is nice for both of us and means we have time to sort our selves out. I dont want to be a mess to just add to his mess or anyone's mess. So honestly maybe it's best I got bailed on even if I am drowning right now. We got this. We work the best under pressure and stress even if that also what kills us. We'll work this all out and come out of it stronger. Not for anyone else but ourselves. But God knows I do want to get down there. Just so I can see his growth and punch him if he ain't grown. Right in the fucking face.]]
  Carat / 165d 16h 46m 6s
[left [pic https://i.imgur.com/sjvdSiw.gif]]


[center [size10 I'm about to deck myself in the face if I cry instead of sleep one more fucking night let me fucking tell you. This some mad bullshit. THIS is why we fucking exhausted half the fucking time if we being honest with ourselves. We ain't gotta cry every fucking night God fucking damn.]]
[center [size10 on another note imma lowkey fight someone of coworkers soon if they dont fucking stop just being them cause holy fuck what is their fucking problems. If you can't fucking handle the job just please quit I'm sick of y'all freaking out all the fucking time and then being like "its okaaaaay it's not that bad" when I'm freaking out cause I'm drowning just cause yall fucking useless and just standing there while I'm fucking running around doing shit. Fuck off with that bull shit.]]
  / Carat / 168d 18h 18m 48s
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