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[center Waking up to a little bit of clean laundry was nice... Doesn’t fix the initial problem of most of it still being dirty though, but I guess this is a start.]
[center It sure seems like nothing is putting a stop to them looking for a new house. It’s already troublesome for me now. Finding a new place to live... What the hell..? I already stress out enough and now you are causing me to do so even more. Why can’t you wait..? Wait until I’m gone and then do this..? I tried thinking of the bright side of it. I would already have stuff packed. I would be able to put what I didn’t want to take in storage. Problem is... That’s not enough.
Already I’ve been handling a lot of this on my own. You said I wasn’t alone in this, but honestly I feel you just lied to me. If I wasn’t alone you would be more active in trying to help and you are not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being the one to approach and talk to you first. It doesn’t end up getting me anywhere. I have to go to grandma and Shelly for everything. I don’t remember either of them being my mom.
They can’t help me in the way that you can. They can only provide support. I told you before what I was thinking of doing. I can easily just go with that idea instead. It’s not off of my mind. It’s still there. A possibility if something doesn’t get figured out. I’m tired of being left out of the loop. Tired of feeling like you don’t care that I am in need of help. You only fucking cater to him.
I’m sick of it. This isn’t the only problem. The fact that I can’t do anything I need to do is getting on my fucking nerves. Laundry is still piled up. Yeah a little of it is getting done tomorrow, but it’s been almost a month. I’m tired of being the last one on the list here. Not to mention we have no damned towels right now. Kinda want to shower. The walking around outside has got my allergies acting up something furious.
I’m also irritated that about other things. Such as Shelly not wanting to do practically anything. Such as cooking dinner or doing dishes. Grandma asks for so little. I cooked dinner tonight and walked twice. Both those walks amount to 12,000 or 14,000 steps. It’s irritating. On top of that I was constantly up and moving around the kitchen. I’m tired out and I hurt.
I’m just sick of it all. I’m frustrated for so many things and what’s sad is... I’ll let it all go and forget about it... Until it all happens again. It’s a never ending cycle and honestly I’m tired of it. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to feel depressed all the time. I sink into pokemon because funny enough it works like final fantasy fourteen for me. I fall into it and it’s hard to pull me out.
At least in those time periods I don’t feel anything though. I don’t think about anything either.
I don’t know what I’m suppose to be really doing at this moment anymore. Should I be looking up places here..? Or somewhere else...
There’s so much more on my mind but none of it is really anything I want to put here. I’m in a very bad mood and I’m only hoping this has helped diffuse it a little. I’m done ranting...]
[center I’m irritable today just like I was last night. I don’t know if it’s from lack of sleep or the fact that my period will be around again soon... I just know it’s not hard to frustrate me. That and it’s not hard to exactly hurt me either. I only want to shut it all off. I don’t much like feeling anything that’s on my darker side of emotions anymore. I can never handle them properly.]
[center I did a lot today. I feel exhausted... I have to keep busy to keep my mind from roaming... Right now to keep it on track I’m playing pokemon...]
[center I wonder what has them so obsessed lately with moving. Apparently they are looking at two different houses. I don’t like being left out of things. It’s frustrating. I’m still here which means that this still effects me. It doesn’t matter though does it?]
[center As always the walk wore me down. I feel tired... Playing Pokémon Sword was fun though. It was nice of Gabe to let me try it out today.]
[center I am sorry you can’t make me do exactly what you want anymore. I’m sorry I struggle now when it comes to trying to go back to a father and daughter relationship... I don’t think we really had one to go back to. You weren’t a good father. You only had time for certain people and me and my brothers weren’t one of them. I was rebellious and uncaring. Chasing after an older man. Gabe was rebellious and doing some pretty bad things... and Tyler... Well you didn’t want to deal with him because of his real dad.
Zach learned that if he wanted your attention he had to be entertaining. I often wonder if Zach really knows who he is or if he’s too deep in the persona he’s created to appease you. Zach doesn’t want the constant attention from you. He wants you to pay attention to everyone. I don’t envy the burden he has now. I’m only thankful he’s not a girl.
I realize I hide so many emotions back when me and you do talk. I never say what I’m truly feeling. Every time you say that everything was normal and fine before Chris came along I get this boiling rage. How can you think that? How was everything fine!? You were cheating on mom with a girl who only wanted to be your daughter. I forget though... You say I was okay with it.
No. I was dying inside. You took advantage of me in as many ways as you could. Everyone even Lennon suffered if I ignored you. I was trying to protect my family from you being an asshole to them. I was trying to protect them from what you truly were like underneath it all. I was defending you from what Jordan and Katy thought... Saying at least you were taking care of me, but honestly were you?
The answer to that is no. I just didn’t want them to see the truth. I didn’t even want wolfy to know the truth. I hid it away from everyone.
Why are you so obsessed about how things were before? Why can’t you drop it? Let it die? I never loved or cared about you in that way. I was nice about all this. I tried keeping it from mom, but you got worse and I couldn’t take it anymore and Gabe kept pushing so I told the truth. I just wanted everything to calm down. I wanted a chance for things to be normal, but I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be able to handle normal.
Mostly because for you it seems to be too difficult and you keep looking back at the past like it was something that was okay and normal when it wasn’t. It was never okay. It was never better. Not for me. It was only okay because it was what you wanted. It was in your control. It doesn’t matter. You can say you love me as many times as you want, but all you truly felt was lust.
I was a possession. A toy. I was suppose to be your daughter.
The next time you confront me... Things just might be different. If I was you I would think about it hard. If you don't want the whole family figuring out what you did to me... I would just deal with what you're getting and enjoy it. I don’t trust you and you know... I don’t know that I forgive you either. I don’t hate you. I just don’t want anything to do with you.
I don’t know what’s waiting for me when I leave. I’m afraid of heartache. I’m afraid of the scars you caused. I wonder how I’ll sleep at night. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to see more in myself. I’m not in a good spot with myself. My emotions are never fully under my control. I am hurt and broken. I didn’t think I would ever feel any kind of romantic emotions for anyone.
I was sure they were dead. Loving anyone or feeling any lust for them would never be something I would experience. I thought I would be ruined. I guess in the end it wouldn’t have mattered either way for me. I was stuck. Caged. Shackled. There wasn’t any escape for me. Any days I was away from you I was always thinking of how I would have to go back. I would fall apart in my mind. I never burdened my friends though. I let it pain me only.
Since breaking away from you things have only gotten worse. Maybe you should just severe any connection we have. Hate me. Don’t try because I don’t think you know how to be a father. No. You are useless at that I think.
Just know I’m waiting. Waiting for the moment when you finally tip those scales and I snap. There’s a few months left that I am here... There’s plenty of times for you to fuck up again and I’m waiting for it now. I won’t be pushed back into a position of submission. I don’t want to be shackled to you.
You should be thankful for even being aloud to stay here. For no one knowing about what you did to me except mom and Gabe. I would prefer to just ignore you, but I’m in a position where I am stuck appeasing you until I slip up again. I could have been honest and told you the truth, but even through my rage I was able to calmly accept that I would have to do what I could to keep the peace...
Next time though... I don’t think I will care. I will push you back if I have to. I will be the one to come out feeling like I won.
You can’t see it... You don’t know it... But this is a final warning. Stop fucking pushing me. You don’t have any control over me.]
[center The day started out kind of nice. I was hoping it would. Moms birthday and all. Normally birthdays aren’t very good days in this household. Something always goes wrong... I should have expected it today.
It was after mine and Gabe’s second walk. I was getting ready to do dishes and possibly stay awhile to watch a movie with the family. Mostly for mom, but... Things don’t always go as planned. Gabe and dad got into a fight. It was over me. Gabe was defending me again. I should have defended myself, but I know the kind of things I would say... I was trying to have a good day. I tried my best to be bubbly and talkative, but when dad looked at me and demanded to know if I was leaving in September... My blood ran cold and when I responded it was frigid and cold.
I didn’t need to be involved in their argument. I am getting tired of hearing the same thing though...
“None of this would have happened if he hadn’t came along.”
I’m going to do something different for this journal post today. I only say so much usually and I keep a lot hidden, but fuck it. I don’t care anymore. Read what you want. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity. I’m not looking for help. I am simply putting this somewhere that’s safe from his prying eyes... and you know if it somehow gets back to him... So what. This is a place that I need to keep my mind clear. So that’s what I’m going to do.]
[center Maybe you choose to be blind to the damages you caused me. I haven’t became a monster yet. I haven’t decided to shut myself off from people forever. I don’t know when you started to view me as another woman in the house. You have been around me since I was young. Apparently no fatherly bond existed though. I understand we weren’t related by blood. I understand I submissively just let you do as you wanted but that didn’t mean I wanted it.
I was confused. I didn’t know why this was happening. When things got weird I constantly found myself reminding you that I only seen you as my father. Nothing more. It didn’t seem to matter. Doing anything against your will meant I was treated harshly. Never physically abused just constantly in trouble or spoken to in a harsh way. I couldn’t stand being treated that way. I became so submissive.
I let you do as you pleased just so I didn’t have to deal with what happened if I didn’t. I tried telling mom once and I couldn’t tell her the truth fully. I didn’t want to hurt her or my brothers. It stopped but I was treated extremely harsh. Then you had mom afraid you were going to kill yourself. Somehow I ended up back in the very place I had struggled so hard to get out of. Six long years. No one finding out. No one knowing.
I wouldn’t tell anyone. I just let it go on. Dying on the inside. Only living because Lennon needed me. That was my only drive and honestly it was running out.
You say things changed because of Chris. Well you are right. He stepped into my life and gave me the spark to start fighting back. To finally break down and tell the truth which you twisted.
I didn’t want to be anything but your daughter. You thought it was okay to push beyond that. Even when I cried out of panic or fear because some of the things you did. I completely stopped caring about everything. I stopped caring about myself. Stopped taking care of myself. I thought maybe i would be less appealing to you. I never seen much in myself anyway and you... You made me see myself as even less.
A rebellious and cold girl was turned into a submissive child. I can’t stand on my two feet anymore. I am constantly in need of help. I’m afraid of what scars you left. How am I going to react to certain things now..? I am fucking broken. Repairing myself may take years.]
You beat him though! I'm so proud of you! Without a +8 weapon either thats huge baby!!
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