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[center So they found a house they like. They are looking into it very seriously. I’m not feeling as bad as I was the last time. This feels a little easier now. Actually I hope they get it.]
[center I’ve been in my own thoughts for awhile now and maybe I’ve let things build. Could explain why what you told me today resulted in me crying and shutting down instead of wanting to talk. I guess unlike you I wasn’t expecting it... It hurt and angered me at the same time and I wasn’t sure how to handle it anymore. I felt guilty and had been feeling guilty for awhile.
You told me I shouldn’t, but... I don’t know. I’ve never had something like this happen in any of my relationships. So it was surprising. I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel. Should it be relief because I don’t have to worry about her..? I’m not like that. I’ve never been like that. I didn’t care who you were friends with. There’s only one I had a big problem with and that’s over with for now...
I just didn’t get it. It both upset and angered me. I didn’t know how to control either so I sat there and cried. Listening to you talk. I just couldn’t make myself understand and you tried so hard to make me feel better. I was just trying to get it. To understand. I should have known I wouldn’t though. I don’t understand girls and how they think. I am one and I just don’t understand some things.
I guess a lots been on my mind. Honestly I feel stupid for even putting this here but Bojack has lingered way more on my mind than any tv show. There’s just a lot that I’ve seen that stays on my mind and makes me think. At some points I see things that remind me of myself and I really don’t know how to exactly talk about it.
Then today persona decided to hit me with two hard questions about heart pain and love. The answers surprised me and the character that asked those questions surprised me with his solution and I was shocked to find that I understood why he would want a solution like that. If love hurts the heart at some point than maybe it shouldn’t exist. That’s terrible though. You learn from pain. In a way it’s necessary. Sadly it does leave scars and people may fall into some rather bad habits because of those scars.
I reflect a lot on myself. I was scarred by people that I’ve had in my life. Everyone has been at some point. Those scars still bother me. I’m stuck with doubtful thoughts and constant worries that nothing will go the way I hope. I always think something will make things fall apart in some way. Some days are always better than others. Sometimes I can keep those doubts away with ease.
Actually I do find it’s getting a bit easier. A few nights ago I told myself to just stop. To stop thinking and just fall. There’s no point in trying to defend myself anymore. I’m already too far in the hole now. I fear what’s at the bottom, but there’s no fighting the fall now is there..?
I guess I should get laid down. I may put something on for noise and try to sleep... I don’t know how well that’ll go. I’m barely going to get any I know that already. I should have laid down with you, but I didn’t. I wanted to write a little bit. To get some thoughts out. Typing always feels better. It catches my thoughts a lot quicker than when I’m writing with pen.]
[center It felt like such a long day. Most likely because I didn’t really do anything. I went walking with Gabe. It was so hot out there. Bleh. He bought me a drink though. I didn’t even know he had any money left. It was nice of him. I ended up mostly sharing it with him. He’s actually the only brother that it doesn’t bother me when he drinks after me or if I drink after him.
It was monster. Doesn’t exactly help with walking in the heat but it was very good ~ I haven’t had one in a long time ^^. Probably won’t have another one in a long time. I don’t normally like drinking energy drinks but I was willing to give that one a try. I’m sure I ended up sharing most of it with Gabe even though he had a monster coffee XD.
It’s been a good day. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I guess I do that every day though. I guess I just miss you like crazy. I’m resting now in my room trying to cool down since the walk was so hot. It’s nice to be home. I did enjoy the walk though even if the heat zaps the energy right out of me.
I’m going to play persona now.]
[center Well I’m exhausted. I wonder if I can go back upstairs and sleep now..?]
[center Thank you persona for this new confidant I love him ~ I wonder when they plan to bring the themes and avatars to the stores.]
[center [pic https://i.ytimg.com/vi/koukQErl_C0/hqdefault.jpg]]
[center I’ve been up and down constantly. I just can’t sleep. Damn...]
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