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[center I’m really nervous for some reason about the new phone. I feel like everything should be fine, but I didn’t go a long or anything. I shouldn’t feel like my family would snoop through my stuff but... Come on this is dad we’re talking about... sadly Zach follows along with him. It makes me regret not thinking about any of this until now and not keeping up to see if mom knew if we would be doing this or not. I feel very unsure right now. I worry about my conversations being looked into.
The lectures I would get on top of a lot of yelling... I was already feeling bleh when I went down stairs. Now that I’m up here in the safety of my room I feel even worse. I was so worried about you and so quick to talk with grandma about some stuff I didn’t realize what they could possibly get into... What they could do... Damn.
I only hope I’m over worrying... If worse comes to worse I have to stand up for myself. I am an adult.]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tjp2iuXBsA]]
[center It’s weird... Even offering to redownload fortnite. I hate the game. I really do. Yet I did have times where I had fun. Not very many due to... A lot of circumstances, but Zach asked and I told him I would. I think just playing it with Zach would be okay. Even just playing me Zach and Gabe would be alright...
So mom told me how the conversation over the phones went. It didn’t go well. She sounded frustrated but told me she wouldn’t give up. She wants to make sure I have a better phone before I leave...
I knew that talk wouldn’t go well.]
[https://www.wcostream.com/tate-no-yuusha-no-nariagari-episode-17-english-subbed Here baby girl mwah!]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7OcL8j6rhk]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7OcL8j6rhk]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcOHZa4lveU]]
[center It’s kind of sad that if I’ll be able to replace this phone or not will rest on Dad’s decision. In a way it frightens me too. Will I be forced to strike some kind of deal..? In a way it’s only Zach’s phone being passed to me. I’m not getting anything brand new out of it. In other words I wouldn’t be the one costing money. I worry when I’m involved. Things don’t always go as planned.
If dad says no it’s not just me he’s shutting down but Zach too... I don’t know what any of this will come to... I won’t bow my head down this time though...
At least I’ll try not too...
He really scared me when he said he wanted to talk. Zach never talks seriously with me. Only Gabe. I was sure he wanted to talk about dad. I’m glad it was only about the phone...]
[https://www.wcostream.com/harley-quinn-season-2-episode-9-bachelorette Here ya go sexy girl!]
[center [https://www.wcostream.com/kung-fu-panda-3 Here]]
[center I don’t know what it is... How you do it, but you made me feel so much better today. I was so down and feeling off... I think I might try getting in to see a doctor. There’s a lot I need to sit down and talk with them about. I want to make sure I’m healthy. I’ll have to check all my health insurance stuff make sure it’s still good.
I’ll see if I can’t make mom come with me and help me out on one of the days she’s working from home. I’m sure she won’t mind too much.
Last night I changed the wallpapers on my phone ~ one of them is of you now ^^. The home screen. The lock screen is of a word with an interesting background and it’s definition.
I got my Kavat last night in Warframe. Same one I’ve already had but with a different tail and color pattern. I love it ~ but I’ll only be keeping him until I can breed for a new one.
Thanks for listening to me today... It had been a lot on my mind and I was glad to talk about it even though it felt hard at first. I almost felt silly for sharing that I was worrying over my hair... <_<. The worries not gone. It’s still there, but I’m going to try and do what I can to make sure it stays healthy. I mean that’s the weird thing. It is strong and healthy... It just feels thin. Eh... No point in continuously worrying.
And about the other thing we talked about. I’ll prove I can be trusted hon. I don’t want anyone to think I’ll just end up hurting you. I wish I wasn’t so awkward with questions about myself... It probably would have went a lot better. I could have misread the situation too...]
[center I am mentally drained. I’m tired of dealing with people. I was up way too early. I feel like I haven’t slept at all... I drank two energy related things. A triple shot of Starbucks coffee and a Kickstart Mountain Dew. Doesn’t feel like any of its worked at all. Three damned stores. We left at nine. That’s three hours... I’m just... Done. I’m done with people... I’m done with everything...]
[h3 [center [b My Gamer Boy]]]
[center [#0fcfff So you started with routine and purpose. I am using the headers myself just because I’ll be able to at least somewhat remember what I’m suppose to be talking about in each section. I tend to ramble though so XD I guess I’ll apologize for that now.
It’s odd to even think of having a routine. It’s something I find hard to do with my life. The only thing I have ever been really consistent with was taking care of Lennon every day. So settling into something that becomes daily and me actually enjoying it is... Sometimes hard to believe.
Things that go on around home normally bother me and I tend to hold onto things instead of share them. I don’t like to really bother you much with what’s going on in my life or why I’m down when I know you have work the next day. So usually by the time Monday has come around I’ve stressed myself out. It’s not always family. I find that I tend to over think things and that can make life sometimes a bit difficult.
Sometimes little things just I guess eat at me. A lot of my own thoughts that I can’t always shut out. You always are there though to pick me back up. It takes awhile sometimes to get out of that place. I don’t know exactly how to describe it though. Why I sometimes fall into that state. Some days it can be worse than others.
I notice time with you always makes me feel better though. Just hearing your voice really starts making my days better. I’m always excited for the days you are off. That means time we can spend together. We spend a ton of time together. Everyday is time spent. It is very rare for us not to spend any time away from one another.
Honestly I just can’t do it. I would rather spend as much time with you as I can. I hate the thought of not being able to talk to you for several hours. I end up missing you so much. I handle it as well as I can though. No day is the same for me. In a way it’s always different. That doesn’t bother me. We could play games all day or we could just sit and watch stuff.
There are even days where we will just sit and talk for awhile. It could be about anything. Your past or sometimes we talk about the stuff that’s happened to me. My past I guess. Serious conversations are always made easier by you as well. You joke around and for some reason it just makes it easier to talk.
Every night does seem to follow the same thing. I’ll lay there listening to you. Always acting so sweet. Saying things that I didn’t know I would want to hear. Usually you’ll fall asleep so quickly. It’s funny. I remember when it use to be me that fell asleep first. Sometimes before I fall asleep myself I’ll lay there and just listen.
Sometimes when I’m having a bad enough night I’ll put you on speaker. It’s rather calming to be able to just hear you.
I always worry about so many things, but you are always able to reassure me in one way or another. I like what we have set up and when things happen to disturb it in some way I always end up down, but in the end at some point you always bring me back up. For that you are the best and I love that everyday is more time spent with you.]]
[h3 [center [b My Paladin]]]
[center [#fde408 You know it was interesting to me how direct and honest you were. Running in head first without so much as thinking. At least that’s what I thought at first. To me it felt like you had no strategy. You were just telling me things and I could have been anyone.
I could have easily thought you were lying or anything you could have told me could have made me run off. If I had been a teenager I would have run off. I definitely was a lot different back then. I’m a lot more easier going now. I don’t quickly push people away. I know people make mistakes.
Hell I’ve made a ton. So I took in everything you told me. Yeah trusting it can be dangerous. It could have all been lies. I was so guarded I’m surprised I didn’t think any of it was lies. I’m surprised I stayed. I felt a deep connection to you though. I wanted to see what happened.
I’ll admit I didn’t see anything coming out of it. Maybe friendship, but that was it. I was honestly sure you wouldn’t really like me all that much. It was hard for me to get to know people and I always thought of myself as boring...
You stayed around though and through a lot of things. You were there for me when I found out Lennon had cancer and when he died... You were there for me the day Sera died too.
The biggest thing you did for me though was giving me the strength to stop everything that was going on with my dad. To finally tell my mom. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even though I was confused about the out come you were quick to try and help me understand.
You listen to me and even if I say something you don’t agree with or that bothers you... You let me explain myself and reword it if I said it the wrong way. I struggle so much with talking verbally and yet you listen anyway and always let me say something again if I felt I may have said it wrong before.
Even if you don’t like my opinions it doesn’t change anything between us. There isn’t an argument just normal conversation about it before we change the subject to something else.
I feel you hear me out even when I struggle the most. I always seem to feel that in some way I am failing and yet you pick me up and try to help me get better.
I’m not good at talking. About sharing how I’m feeling... Hell I can’t even communicate when I want something from you. Attention would be a good example... Even though you shower me in it.
You try to help me through everything. You make me feel good about myself. I struggle so much saying things and I fall apart and argue with myself, but you are always there trying to make me feel better and trying to let me know it’s okay to ask. It’s okay to feel a certain way.]]
[h3 [center [b My Shield]]]
[center [#f623e0 Ah this section. I’ve been wondering what I should put here exactly. What could I write that may just embarrass you..?
First off you are always so damned hard on yourself. I think you look amazing. All the time. You’re handsome. Very attractive. Yes that includes sexy as well. I don’t say any of this very much. I want to, but I’m a coward so... You know >\>
You have a smile that melts my heart. Just seeing it makes me feel nervous. It makes me feel good too though. I can see that when you smile it touches your eyes lighting them up. Seeing you happy is something I have to say I always look forward to.
Your eyes are very expressive. They don’t hide much. It’s flattering when I catch you staring so intently. I don’t understand it not completely, but I like the way it makes my heart beat.
You never think much of yourself. Yet you are able to drive me crazy by teasing me... So hmm... You must do something for me don’t you think..? I must be attracted to you right..? I am very much so... More than I’ve ever been attracted to anyone before. You definitely do something to me that no one else could.
I don’t think any of this is that embarrassing though...
So you want to know something you do that I really like..?
When I do something you ask me to do... Or say something you want me to say... You make this gasping noise. It’s such a sweet noise to hear. Sends shivers down my spine and makes me feel like I’ve done something right. Like I really am someone you are attracted to.
I could always dive into a lot more, but I think I’ve said enough for now. I just wanted to return the nice thing you wrote for me...
Reading it last night made me feel good. It made me feel better. I love you so much. You always try for me... Always. That’s why I am always trying to get better for you. You are great puppy. You are the best thing in my life. I’m so glad you are apart of it.]]
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