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[center Pathos - a quality that evokes pity or sadness.]
[center Honestly I should just give up on sleep. There’s always too much on my mind anyway. Maybe I’m just tired and cranky, but I’m sick of it being left clouded. It’s my own fault for letting too much get to me. Just small things. Just the mention of things. I realize sometimes that I am way too comfortable. I let my trust in you run deep and then you bring up things and my mind thinks over it.
Rationalizing sometimes doesn’t work. Tonight it is failing me. Most likely because of too much sitting on it. Maybe you thought I didn’t keep it on my mind. That it slipped, but it didn’t and I didn’t bring it back up. When I came back after dinner and you apologized for passing out and spoke to me about what I could have thought... When I left my room and my phone behind you were sleeping. I know because of the sound of your breathing...
After that though it is a mystery to me. I check call times... I know when most of them end. I don’t like to see when they end early. I always try to reason with myself though... Trusting in someone is really hard for me. Even now I struggle with it. If I were to say my mind doesn’t drift to the worse than I would be lying. In some way or form I’ve already thought the worst and I’ve either calmed myself or have let it slip my mind.
It doesn’t stay gone though. As here I am typing everything out. This wasn’t the only thing left to sit and fester. Actually as I started typing this I remembered that I had been bothered by that earlier. I have been left to think about the past though and that’s what crept up on me. That’s what drug me down and that’s why sleep is now far away.
I think too much. I only wish my mind could be clear.
You asked before how Scott had kept me from worrying about what he might have been out doing. What stopped me from doubting him? My answer had been simple. I didn’t care. That still holds very true though. I didn’t and that’s why I never really doubted him or felt worried he’d run off with someone else behind my back.
I don’t know what can stop those doubts. They come back at really inconvenient times. Sometimes it’s just the way somethings brought up. It will unsettle me. Almost like a light switch. ‘Oh! Should I be worried about that..?’ Then an answer. ‘You probably should have been.’
If I let myself I’ll write all night... It’s best I don’t. This has settled me down that and I heard you shifting...
I won’t write anymore on what drug me down into this hole. Hopefully it’ll slip my mind and I’ll forget. It’ll go to the back of my mind and I won’t have to worry about telling it. In the end I guess I just don’t know where to begin anymore. I don’t know when would be a good time to tell you everything, but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t delve into it tonight.]
[center I went downstairs earlier and dad had been getting angry with Chaos. Chaos is old and he’s not taking to the puppy very well. The puppy is new and an annoyance for the old guy. I was a bit irritated with how dad was treating him. I picked the puppy up to stop him from biting Chaos’s back legs and held him. He was just tired and he cuddled into my arms and went to sleep. It gave Chaos time to lay down and rest.
The puppy gets bored and as long as Chaos lays sleeping the puppy will leave him be at night. Dad laid down late and it had chaos up and moving so it got the puppy up. The puppy is great and all, but Chaos has been here the longest and no one should get irritated with him just because he doesn’t want to deal with the puppy. At least he’s not being mean to him. The puppy bites hard and is rough. Chaos is old and fragile. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to deal with the puppy.
I spent a lot of time downstairs today with the puppy. I played with him and held him why he slept. He’s a little monster. I like him, but I also know that there are still other dogs in the house. The puppy is just one that needs to be watched a bit more because he’s still young. He can get hurt if he’s not careful and if people around him aren’t careful.
I really wanted to lay down with you tonight. I’m tired. I’m still tired. The only reason I’m up is because Tyler is still in my room even though he should have left by now. I am beginning to think he plays borderlands for this reason. Even though the game is rather easy to save in. Honestly you just have to quit and it offers you to save. I didn’t play any games tonight. I read a little bit and when you laid down I turned on Steven Universe and watched that until now. I was hoping that Tyler would leave by now.
I just want to put something mindless on tv and get ready for bed. I am tired and I want to sleep in other words. Noise bothers me really easily. It wouldn’t be so bad if his tv was lower and he talked a bit quieter. I know he doesn’t mean to be loud. I even used headphones to watch tv tonight which I’ll admit I normally don’t do. My tv couldn’t be heard though. Eh. It’s fine I’m just complaining. I had thought about falling asleep in the chair when you went to sleep, but I quickly realized that wouldn’t be possible when Tyler got in a chat with people he knows.
I think that’s the reason it bothered me the most. I’ll try my best to sleep well tonight. He’s left my room and went to bed himself. At least I can sleep with you tomorrow...
All this complaining. I sound almost like a child. The other day Gabe called me a lost dog. It was all because I was sitting in Shelly’s room talking to her and watching tv with her why I was waiting for you to get home from work. I felt almost small. It made me regret even telling him why I was in there. Me and Grandma talked about a lot of stuff today and it made me feel better though.
Maybe in Gabe’s eyes I don’t know how to love someone correctly. He would never know anyway. He’s never experienced what I’m feeling now or what I’ve felt before. He also doesn’t know the truth from lies. Part of that being my fault.
When I have truly felt something towards someone I love them without restraint. This puts me in a rather bad position though. It means I leave myself open to being hurt. To being played. It is dangerous. I do it anyway though because I figured that’s how it is suppose to be. Not showing every side though is me restraining myself though. Only showing that I’m needy and clingy when it wins over and gets the best of me. I guess I show more restraint than I want to now a days.
I might sleep in the chair tonight. Sleeping with the cat constantly moving around me has been hard. Not to mention the pain in my lower back because of how I sleep when he’s pushed against me. There was that pain in the center of my chest too... I don’t know what that was last night but it scared me bad. Hurt too. I don’t know how I was able to get to sleep, but I eventually did.
Dad was being annoying today why I was talking to mom. I don’t know if he was doing it on purpose to be playful like he use to be before all of this stuff happened or if he was doing it to be an asshole. I can’t read him at all. Sometimes the looks he gives me when I’m holding the puppy is one that I don’t like. He was also complaining because apparently he’s sick and guess what..? He thinks it’s the damned virus... He barely leaves the damned house. It’s probably just a cold... If not I guess we’re all exposed to it...
I think I’ve wrote enough. I’m going to plug in my phone and get settled in the chair to sleep. I guess if I can’t get comfortable I’ll be back in the bed... I hope sleep comes easy.]
[center I woke up feeling sick. Not a feeling I can easily go back to sleep with. My emotions are not under my control today. It’s a lot of energy to not give into them. I didn’t sleep well last night. You asked something last night that I was quiet for a long time before I answered. My answer is still the same, but I had wanted to tell you that it has caused me to form bad habits. You’ve spoiled me. It’s not a good thing. Last night the phone hung up early. Forty two minutes. I had to look up stuff to listen to so I could eventually fall asleep and then I just slept horrible. Continuously woke up and tossed and turned. At six I gave up and turned it all off.
You offer and give so much of your time to me... Yet I always feel that I want or need more of it. I am silent about it though. Fighting every emotion that sparks up like now. Wanting to text you or call you myself. It’s draining.]
[center I got called down just to go and get dinner. My head is pounding and I am feeling exhausted. I slept fine, but I just can’t seem to get enough of it. All I want to do is sleep or cry. Leaving my room made me almost start crying. I felt dizzy earlier. This damned period will be the death of me if it stays like this all week or however long it decides to stay. There is too much on my mind for this.]
[center I know for sure I love the original version at the bottom, but I’m unsure of how I feel right now about the English one at the top...]
[center I just feel... Bad. Uneasy. A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Somethings not right but I don’t know what. If I have to I will drown everything out...]
[center Update: The glass pen has annoyed me. I don’t see how I’m suppose to use something like it to write anything. I am going back to my regular pen until I don’t feel so fucking off. The damned ink dried just the little time on the phone. It came off easily though and then I couldn’t get the water dried out of it. When I finally succeeded with that it started to bleed through everything...]
[center People really think you can summon hellhounds..? Man if anyone went through my search history they would think I was one of those people... I just was curious if any lore had them be summoned. Well hell.]
[center I dreamed you cheated on me and I caught you yesterday morning. That is what I dreamed about.
We still have things to talk about... My pm and the message below.
I’m tired, but sleep will not come easy. I’m depressed and I feel sick to my stomach. My chest is hurting as well as my left side...]
[center I spent time today working with that Glass pen I got for Christmas. It was definitely an interesting thing to use. It was a mess. I will probably spend most of the night trying to get the damned ink off of my hands. Hell maybe it will be off the next time I washed my hands. I don’t know but I hated seeing it stain my skin the way it did. I use to not care, but seeing it almost reminded me of being a child. Playing with paint or markers.
Even though I desperately wanted my skin cleaned I continued until I seen every ink on paper. It’ll be fun I think, but for tonight I am discouraged and don’t want to mess with it anymore. The inks are lovely. The pen writes beautifully. Makes me wish I knew calligraphy or that I remembered some of the Kanji I had learned back in high school. Writing it with that pen would have been very satisfying I think.
I spoke with mom about what dad had said to Zach. I expressed concern about the fact that I hoped nobody would be closed off to me when I left. Mom said she would make sure that didn’t happen. She also talked about a day we could all talk. You, me, her, and your mom. She sounded a lot more sure of it this time. Sadly I won’t set my heart on it. I can’t because in a way I’m afraid to believe her.
In the end I know it wouldn’t be her fault if she wasn’t able to. It would be dads. Speaking of... The thing I wrote below... I threw those pages away. I can’t even bare to show that to mom. I am a coward. Maybe... I want to preserve so much. I don’t want to ruin everything completely. I don’t want to put the final nail in the coffin. When I was writing it the other day the more I see that it would have been so easy to know I wasn’t consenting.
I am inexperienced in a lot of things in this world. I know things though. I’m not stupid. I don’t always like the way Gabe looks down on me and I now wonder what he must think of me. Am I a type of siren to him..? A succubus calling men to me..? I’m definitely not pretty enough to be. I’m also not any of those things. I didn’t ask for the things that happened to me. I liked one older man. Just one. The rest I looked at in fear. One I respected and loved like a father.
I often find myself wondering... Where did I go wrong..? How did all this happen..? What did I do..? In a way I think the experience may have even broken my self esteem even more. Thinking about what Gabe must think only breaks me further at some point. He’s my younger brother. I don’t like the fact that he may think I may be someone who cheats or doesn’t know what she wants, but in the end I’m too nice to break his illusions. Not too nice. Too weak. He thinks I am doing things too quickly. Deciding things without fully thinking.
He doesn’t realize that I think every night. I think about every action I’m taking. I think about so much that I barely fucking sleep. Telling him things like that only makes him irritated with me. I guess at some points it doesn’t really matter does it..? It won’t change how he treats me. All he talks about when he comes into my room is that at some point it will be his. If he’s aiming to hurt me that way it won’t work.
I have no attachment to this bedroom. Sera’s gone. All that’s left are my things and in the end some of this stuff means nothing as well. If anything I would give him this room now and take the smaller one. It doesn’t matter to me in the end, but I’m cruel. I’ll stay to this room until I leave. He can bide his time by counting how long I have left.
This probably seems completely opposite of how I was speaking before. In all honesty I believe Gabe treats me this way because he doesn’t know the truth... Sometimes deep down though I think he does and he’s still in some way trying to believe the lie even though he knows better. I won’t say I’ve never lied before. I have and I can be a pretty good liar when I want to be, but this situation... I would never lie like this. It could ruin so much for a person.
I don’t know how I can ever explain to Gabe what it has done to me. I am afraid of my reactions to certain situations. I’ve thought of one several times and even though I had laughed about it in the end and I had been surprised I wonder... Was there underlying fear there..? There could have been. In the end I think too much. Put too much thought into everything.
Plus my trust in everyone always feels so thin. It’s so hard to keep myself from not thinking the worst. On nights I think too much it raises every doubt I’ve had. It is very frustrating. Very tiring.
I’ve been far too emotional these last few days. Certain things upsetting me more than usual. I really don’t like it. It can only mean my period is probably coming. I’ve felt the sharp pains in my left side. Last night there was a pain in my back that lasted a little too long. I’ll watch it. I just hope that if this ovary ends up needing to be removed that it’s not dad that has to take me for that.
Not that he probably would anyway. At least I can count on Zach or Shelly if moms not home.]
[center I cleaned my room like I wanted. Didn’t move the tv though. I spent time writing down some hard things on paper. I don’t know what I’m going to do with those sheets of paper... I wonder if I should give them to mom, but... I don’t know. Some of its incomplete. Missing things that are kind of important. I shouldn’t just leave them lay around though...]
[center I don’t know why, but I kind of feel like cleaning today... Weird. I might actually do that though. Rearrange my room. Wish I could move the tv, but it’s wall mounted so... I really can’t, but I want to. Hmm... If I could figure out how to get it off the wall mount I could move it... Hmm.]
[center It got so loud in my room. It was frustrating. I could barely hear myself think. I couldn’t really focus and had trouble hearing you. I have a feeling it’ll be that way tonight.
No I didn’t lay down when you did. I knew it would be pointless. So I took the time to read instead. Yeah yeah... bad idea I know. I have trouble falling asleep without you. Plus my mind constantly thinking.
You were right yesterday morning. When you asked if I had been thinking and that’s why I had trouble sleeping. My mind constantly runs if I’m not careful. Too much thought into things and doubts are free to roam. I spend time reasoning with myself for these doubts to go away. I tell myself solutions to try and make myself feel more at ease.
It’s funny when you started talking to me today about your appearance. That conversation for some reason caught me off guard. It sat in my mind leaving me to think about it. This may be cruel but I won’t put in my journal what I wanted to say... I also won’t talk about what kept me up the other night in here either. In a way I’m doing this for myself. I can’t hope to keep running here. So even though it’s hard and I’m afraid of things changing or me saying things wrong... I would rather talk about it.]
[center Gabe finally spoke to me today, but I don’t know that it means anything honestly.
Anyway that’s not what I’m in here for. You see there is a few things I have finally decided on. This morning after you went to sleep I was left with time to think. Honestly I had thought the pain was gone. I thought I was numb to everything that dealt with my dad, but honestly I wasn’t. I was broken. I wonder if the other part of the story was really something I wanted to know. I contemplated it a lot.
What had this new information given me. Six years... Six long years of me hating my life and wishing that I could end it in some way. It’ll be a year soon. A year since it all finally stopped. With only so many knowing the truth and some not knowing at all... It is disappointing...
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to break what Gabe sees in dad. I’m weak. I don’t want to leave behind havoc. A part of me only wishes I could be more forgiving, but I can’t. There is no forgive and forget for me. I can’t forget. I can’t help the dark thoughts that swarm my mind when I think how long it went on.
What hurts even more is it being seen in a different light. I could change that. I could tell Gabe the truth. I could confront dad and finally snap. Tell him the truth of it all, but... No. I am not that strong. I fear what my words would bring. I’m scared of what the truth would cause. So I hide away from it not caring how I am viewed.
Maybe I am fucking fickle. Maybe I was too weak... but I do know that I wouldn’t have wanted this. I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I was broken. Defeated. To shocked to say no. I am still weak, but I won’t deal with this anymore. Never again.]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.