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[center I can’t focus... All I’m doing is using up all my items... Why today..? What’s with these haywire emotions..? I don’t understand them half the time but they always hit me hard.
It’s always hard but shutting them off and not caring does seem to help in the long run...]
[center I’m tired. I don’t know how I can sleep so much and still wake feeling unrested. I’m not going to nap though. Instead I’m waiting to help people on Bloodborne. It’s rather boring though. Not at all entertaining.
I have to start deciding what’s going with me and what needs to stay here. Most of it I’m sure will be safe in Gabes hands I hope. A little worried about what he may do with the swords or the bow... Should have probably sent all that stuff to storage awhile back... Oh well. I don’t plan on taking them with me though.
All books are staying behind. The only exception being my manga. I will leave deathnote behind for my mom. The rest will come with me though. Games and the system are a must. Two specific blankets I will take with me. I’ll leave the plushies behind as well as all the damned stuffed animals I own. There are too many of those things. The one I will take will probably be timcanpy. I don’t want to leave him here. Jewelry will stay except maybe a few pieces that mean anything to me.
I have to worry about clothing. Hmm...
The tv seems to pose the most looming problem... I’m already exhausting my brain on all of this. Guess that’s not really that hard... I’m going to have to talk to mom about everything but I don’t know how or when.
Hmm... On an off note... Dad was treating me how he use to today. Back before everything happened. I don’t know what to do with that. I laughed and spoke a little but I couldn’t help the unsure feeling that came over me.
Im done thinking. I’m too tired to really want to deal with any of this anyway. I’ll try to talk to mom sometime this weekend I guess.]
[center Hmm I have a lot that I need to do. I’ve been too lazy about it. It’s about time I start getting more serious about everything. It would be stupid to wait until the last moment.]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vY0qc_NzDp8]]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Fsb4LeiCA]
[center [+purple When you're girlfriend learns you're PVP straits in Bloodborne but you still crush everyone else with ease.]]
[center [pic https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ERM6h2PU0AEnPOW.jpg]]
[center I don’t understand. It was mom and Gabe that wanted me to talk to dad. It was suppose to be easy. Just a simple thing of me saying I wasn’t angry about anything. It led me into a whole lecture. At least that’s what these things feel like anymore. I’m tired of it. I can act like everything’s okay. For me it’s hard to act like a daughter to someone like him. Yet just to keep the peace and not to cause things to get worse I agreed to go back to hugging him and greeting him. Telling him I love him. I don’t know what else to do.
For one moment anger brimmed over, but all I could do was clench my fist. Why does everything have to be my fault..? Why do I have to be the one that wasn’t trying..? Maybe I wasnt, but who could blame me..? I mean really... Most people wouldn’t even want him around the house anymore. Yet he’s still here...
I wish he hadn’t brought you up. For some reason that’s what almost sent me into a rage. I could feel every nasty thing I could say on the tip of my tongue, but I stayed silent. As always... I’m weak. Weak when it comes to everything.
It’s like he doesn’t know mom tells me everything he says. I can find ways around things. This was going to end up this way anyway.
Oh and I told him I had bad time management before and clearly this was news to him tonight. Tells me I can come to him about anything... No I can’t. I don’t want to. He says he did everything for me. Gave me everything I wanted...
At what cost though. Does he think buying me things and being nice to me needed to be paid back..? That’s how it felt... On days I didn’t do what he wanted... I was the worst person and talking about going somewhere or needing something became an argument...
I am not some object to be owned or used in whatever way he wanted to.
I don’t get it. I don’t know what else to do. Just appeasing him at the moment seems to be all I can do...]
[center Honestly I thought everything was said and done, but I was wrong. I should have known. Grandma pissed him off so of course now he’s looking to yell at whoever he wants. I have cut off doing anything. No hugging him and barely talking to him. Actually not talking to him. He decided to growl at me about it today. I had no answer and was in a hurry. He informed me he wasn’t going to deal with me acting the way I was in his house...
I don’t know what he’s fucking planning. He can’t kick me out.
I wish I could say I was strong when he snapped at me, but instead I headed out the door crying. Both frustrated and shocked. I didn’t want to deal with any of it so I hurried upstairs when I got home. I’m tired out. I just don’t want to deal with anger. I hate it.
I wish he would just leave me alone. It’s only a few more months and I’ll be gone. Even if I’m not gone couldn’t he just ignore me... I have no problems pretending he doesn’t exist.
Not just that but grandma said something that bothered me a lot. I told her things would get better and she told me that it wouldn’t...
“Look at how you and your dad are... That didn’t get better.”
She’s right. It’s only gotten worse and what sucks is there is a lot more... I don’t know what to do.]
[center I am tired. I feel like I barely slept but I know I went to sleep when you did. I hate feeling tired like this. I got up and went to the store with Shelly, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to sleep more. I may nap a little in the chair.]
[center [font david [i [size10 Christopher + Blakely]]]]
[center [+red [size20 Chris]]]
[size20 [center [+purple Plus]]]
[center [+pink [size20 Blakely]]]
[center Sitting here and listening to you sleep is slowly making me tired. I’m worried about you though. Being in pain and being tired. I should have told you no about watching anything last night. You should have been sleeping. Spending time with you is always nice. I love it, but hearing how you felt today just... Made me feel bad. I worry you all the time. I certainly hope why you were at work you weren’t worrying about my day.
Honestly the only thing that happened today that really irritated me was the cat. He was being crazy this afternoon and he clawed my upper lip. Now it kind of burns and hurts. More of a minor annoyance...
I don’t know what I could say to help or to make you feel better. I just want to hold you and let you sleep and rest. Can’t do that very well when it comes to being in a party chat or talking over the phone. All I can do is express concern about you.
I hope all you need is some rest.
You know you ask me all the time about what I see in you. You tell me that you don’t deserve me. You ask why I’m nice to you. Sometimes I think that you really believe I’m seeing only your personality. Personality means so much to me. It does a lot more for you then someones appearance.
I have time and need to fight sleep so let me talk about some of this I guess.
First off what do I see in you..? Hmm. Personality wise I find you charming and funny. You can make me laugh and you can pull me out of my bad moods pretty quickly unless it’s something really bothering me, but even then you still have a way of making me feel better. You baby me and even though it makes me feel small sometimes... It makes me happy too. You worry over me and you are always telling me about how proud you are. Even if it’s only something small I did. I love your laugh too and the way the tones of your voice change depending on your mood.
Let me move on to your appearance. You have this smile that I just love. Your emotions show in your eyes too. Which I have to say is something I really like. To look at you and see your smiling and your eyes are bright and happy too... That is wonderful. I love your hair. It’s dark and it looks soft. I imagine running my fingers through it would be very satisfying. Even when it’s a mess it doesn’t bother me. Actually it’s kind of nice to see it that way. You don’t always have to be presentable.
You worry over so much, but I think you look good. I just don’t understand how I got someone like you. You’re so handsome. I find myself always nerves to meet your gaze. Almost like I’m not worthy to. I have been wondering how to explain that to you and of course now I realize it. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. Lately I’ve gotten better though. Meeting your gaze seems to be getting easier. There’s another reason why meeting your gaze is hard though. Believe me when I say it’s not just your personality I pay attention to.
I think you deserve me hon. I don’t think I deserve you though so I guess maybe that’s hypocritical... but whatever. Your past is not something I judge you for. There is no reason for it. I am nice to you because you deserve it. You’ve done nothing to me to make me want to act any differently towards you. You’ve only showed me love and respect. You are kind to me. I should show the same to you.
I know you tell me I can do better. Even if I could I wouldn’t want to. You are perfect to me. I love you so much. I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole when it comes to you. I’m so attached. So obsessive. I try really hard to show restraint. I think deep down you know that I’m completely wrapped around your fingers. For you I would do anything if you asked.
I’m getting more tired typing... Eh I suppose I’ll end this here then. I love you so much.]
[center I’ve got the time so I decided to write something for you. My journal is always filled to the brim with my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes not the full extent to those thoughts and feelings. I tend to leave things up in the air or open. I know what I’m doing when I do this. It’s a way to force myself to speak to you. To come to you with how I’m feeling and why. Sometimes writing it is only so I can get it off of my mind. It’s a way to get some form of clarity.
To be able to sleep at night. In writing I’m much braver. I can write whatever I want and it’s not as hard as telling you things. Sometimes even saying I love you first is hard. My bravery to be intimate or romantic is very low. I can hear everything I want to say in my mind, but none of it’ll come out. It’s not easy. I wish I could say a lot of things naturally. I just can’t though. I try to get better though. You tease me about it, but really I hate how shy I get.
I can’t stand not being able to say what I want to. You make me at least want to try harder though. Honestly you make me wish I was more social in general.
That day when I was out with Jordan and that boy approached me about anime really hit a spot. I realized how awkward I was and that I didn’t know what to say or how to respond back. Jordan didn’t bail me out either. I hadn’t ever really had someone try to push to talk to me more either. He had wanted to continue talking to me, but in my mind I was freaking out and just wanted to back out of it.
I escaped it thankfully because Katy came to find us. I shouldn’t want to escape friendly conversations. Social interaction feels like it drains me. Maybe I’m just a baby though. I want to try more though. To be able to be a little more friendly. To let other people in. You’ve had me talk to other people and even though I’m quiet and not exactly myself... I don’t always feel drained. I enjoy talking with those people or at least hearing you talk to them.
You were right the other day... I didn’t want to think about you being right. Not because of anything petty, but because I don’t exactly like thinking about it. I’m normally a bunny. I’m easily frightened. I cower at everything. I don’t always get brave, but... When people come to close and do things I don’t like or they try to take something that I believe to be mine... Well that bunny persona kind of fades off.
Underneath the cowardly bunny there is a rattle snake that’s long lost her rattle. When I decide to strike out at someone it is without warning and usually it’s deadly and venomous. I can be a really cold and cruel person. I strike out at the things you won’t. At the people you won’t. It may not be to their face. I don’t want to start a fight with two people I really want nothing to do with.
To me this journal is my sanctuary and to hear that it is used to work against me. I don’t like that. Everything I write in here you read and we talk about. That’s what makes a good relationship. You hide nothing from one another. You know everything about me. Everything I have you know about. Every account and if you wanted anything from me you could have it. My passwords are yours if you truly wanted them.
You see I have nothing to hide. My journal is a place for me to come and dump the thoughts that keep me up at night.
I don’t know what you are seeing when you look at me... What you are hearing when I talk and laugh. You call me a queen... Your goddess. I don’t agree with any of it because I just dont see that. When I see myself... It’s nothing. I see every flaw on my skin. I see the weight I still need to lose and a body that still needs toned. I tear myself apart inside and out. I hate every flaw and only wish to fix them, but to me these flaws only make me who I am.
Yeah I hate them. All of them and I’m more aware of them every day.
Some of the emotions I don’t share are ones that aren’t always involved with you. They have something to do with something you’ve told me or someone you’ve mentioned, but not always do they revolve around you. I always tell you about them. Never hiding them. I am an open book as long as you ask me things and you know that...
You see... I feel bad sometimes. For what..? Hmm for the ones that still carry emotions for you. Why..? I don’t know because one of them I should fucking hate because of what she does. Sadly hating people is something I can’t do. I can’t seem to even hate the man that did what he did to me for so many years.
I want to be a good person. I want to let you make your own choices. When it came to her though... I couldn’t do it anymore. I got angry. I was tired of it. How could one person be that way..? To want to ruin happiness for two people..? I didn’t understand. It confused me and it hurt. Wounded me... It made me realize why women really made me sick. Why do I even like women..? I don’t get it.
Actually I do. Personality matters more than the body and the gender of a person.
I’ve had moments where I wanted to snap out in here. When something tipped the scales and I was ready to finally strike back, but I didn’t. I was calm. I was friendly. In the end I couldn’t do it anymore. So I made a request... Or a demand. Whatever you want to call it.
Sometimes silence can be the best thing. Sometimes it can be torturous. Was it cold? Cruel? Callous of me..? Oh yes it was. I can be hateful. I can be spiteful. I can be a terrible person. Deep down I’m burning with rage that can’t escape because I won’t let it. It won’t work so just leave it..? I wonder though... What would it take for me to snap..?
Eh. In the end... I have been trying not to care anymore. I stay to my OWN journal other than sometimes reading journal entries. Sometimes I barely go there anymore. Me and Wolfy read one another’s stuff because we always have.
I don’t care if my journals read, but the shit I post in it is for me or for you. I don’t appreciate my own words and thoughts being used against me.
This dwindled into something else I can see...
You make me really happy. You’re my world and I need you. I don’t know what I would do without you and I don’t plan to give you up or let you go.
I promised I wouldn’t leave you. I won’t. I don’t know if you believe that promise. You know I broke one like it before...
You know... I may put one of your pictures as the background on my phone... I haven’t before. Mostly because... I guess I was afraid to, but I wouldn’t mind opening my phone to see your picture... At least until I can actually wake up next to you.]
[center For you. I told you about my favorite love song before haven’t I..?]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.