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[center I was having a bad day yesterday and you still were calm around me for it. Most would have been irritated with me. I really didn’t mean to get that irritated over a game. It was just tiring. Felt like every time I came back I just died. I shouldn’t have gotten mad though. I should have stayed calm. It was best to play something else.
You don’t have to apologize for not playing the same games as me. I understand. Though that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I had you as an option to play with in those games.
It’s fine though either way. I’ve gotten use to playing Final Fantasy XIV alone.]
[center Yesterday was a good day, but all day I had this feeling like something wasn’t right. Like I was missing something. A bad feeling that something was going to go wrong. I felt like crying a lot. I was quiet a lot yesterday often lost in my own thoughts. Trying to figure out why I felt so off. Not just that but something we had talked about had got me thinking about a lot of other things that had always been on my mind but were dormant.
I was distracted a lot. Games weren’t going well for me no matter what I played. I just was too far into my thoughts half the time. I was hurt and offended easily by things I could normally joke back about.
I realize there’s a lot that needs to be talked about. Serious things that need to be figured out or at least put at ease. I’ve been the one putting a lot of it off because of fear. When I think about it or want to bring it up I back down quickly. I did it yesterday. It is not fun to be so cowardly. So worried or so cautious. It leaves a lot to linger around on my mind. I wish I could be like you in that aspect. To ask even if you might not like the answer. Or to talk about what concerns you even if it may not go in your favor.
Your bold and able to say things so... Easily. Stuff I struggle with. I can write it sometimes. Even writing certain things could be hard though. Like explaining my silence in a video call, but being more talkative in a regular call. Somethings would mean a lot more being said out loud anyway. I hide a lot though behind silence and small explanations.
Even here I can’t say half the things I want to. Stubbornly I don’t want to write them. I am tired of sharing everything just through writing. Honestly a lot of it you should hear it from me.]
[center I need to be more careful. Word things better. My emotions aren’t always on the same page as me. I’m quick to get testy. I was easily irritated and angered last night. I took a step back to calm myself down which actually seemed to help.
When I actually spoke to you about everything though I think I may have chose the wrong words, but I guess no other word would have described it better. It was honestly stupid to even feel that way. I was just irritated and needed time to calm down. So I took it though by the time I had started playing with the both of you again I was still feeling irritated.
I do tend to get frustrated in games, but normally it can easily be pushed away. Last night I suppose it just continued to build until Gabe thankfully stepped in to take over for awhile. It gave me more time to just settle down. I could have dropped everything and just not said anything last night, but I don’t think you would have liked that.
By the time I had calmed down I wasn’t feeling irritated anymore or left behind... I’m such a child. Wanting to cling to you the way I do. You indulge it though. Spoiling me.]
[center I had a dream this morning about Lennon. That he had been cloned. He wasn’t a brand new puppy though. He was just the way he was before he got sick. The dream felt so real I remember waking up and thinking I had timers set for his medicines. It still hurts that he’s gone I guess. Me and mom had been talking about him yesterday.
That’s not the only dream I had though. I had one before that. One that woke me up earlier than the one about Lennon. I dreamed of Shadow. This wouldn’t be the first time. He always looks so different in my dreams. It was a place I hadn’t been before too. Odd. I haven’t talked about him in awhile I don’t think. It was like watching it though. I wasn’t in my own body. Different from the dream about Lennon.
Dreams don’t normally matter to me, but the one about Lennon bothered me a lot.
Talking about final fantasy xiv made me miss it a lot last night. All the dungeon grinding and the colorful world. I don’t like the changes, but the game still has a lot I really enjoy. I complain about a lot of things, but that game has always been the best when I need to step out of reality.]
[center I was tired last night, but it always takes a little time before I drift off into sleep. You fell asleep before me and I listened to you sleep for awhile. Things we’ve talked about lingered on my mind. You’ve thanked me for a lot. Even though some things you thanked me for I only believe I did because I was trying to protect myself. Then again maybe it wasn’t because if things didn’t end up this way... I still could have been hurt.
In the end I was willing to play with fire. Willing to get burned if that was what happened. Something told me I couldn’t just walk away. So I stayed through all of it. I can’t say there wasn’t any hurt. For awhile you got hurt a lot. I wasn’t happy about any of that. Actually every time it happened I got frustrated because I just didn’t know how to help other than to be there. Then it got to the point where I snapped a little.
Something I still regret. Too much was on my mind that night. I just couldn’t handle all that so instead of being calm I got angry. It remains on my mind even though it was rather far back. I can be rather difficult. You say I’m not, but I know that I am. I don’t always deal with things well. Choosing the silent route and I guess pouting about whatever seemed to bother me.
You are truly something wonderful. I will never be able to put the right words down to describe what I feel when you aren’t around. I can barely put into words how I feel when you are around.
Last night you did the cutest thing. I thought you had fallen asleep for the night, but you woke and called out to me. You sounded so sleepy. When I answered you told me you loved me and asked for a kiss. You sounded so adorable and sweet.
I love you so much.]
[center I figured this would be one of those kind of days.]
[center I don’t know why I tried again last night. Tylenol this time. It didn’t relieve any pain. At least this morning my thighs are feeling a little better. Overworked them I think. Doing too much. Trying too hard I guess.
Sleep last night wasn’t good. Pain in my chest kept me awake. I can’t sleep on my back normally. I sleep on my sides or stomach. Sleeping like that though just causes pain. The pain will cease once my period starts, but for now I’m stuck with it. I never imagined losing any weight would cause my hormones to balance themselves a little...
Now I wish they hadn’t. I feel pain I never felt before and I hate it. Gabe came in and woke me at noon. He wasn’t at all sympathetic either. I’m exhausted. Today is going to be a long one.
I guess I’ll find something to do and hope for a good day, but my emotions won’t be my friend today. I know that. Lack of sleep isn’t any good for them.]
[center I kept waking up every two hours. I didn’t fall asleep until four and woke at six... Then woke again at eight. I’m exhausted. My body hurts and pain medication didn’t do anything for it last night I don’t think I’m going to try again today.
Yesterday was interesting. I don’t quite understand why she listened to me as much as she did. Maybe because I listened to her until she had nothing left to tell me.
I think I’m going to clean up my room. It hurts to move too much but, I’ll be fine. Plus it’s not like the cats going to clean up his own mess >_<.]
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