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/ By -Rika [+Watch]

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My journal ~

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It’s funny really... How everything seems to just fall out of place so easily. I... Usually am not at a loss of words. Yesterday I was so fucking drained. So fucking tired. I just... I showed a side to you that I have been so careful to hold back. A side of me that doesn’t think before speaking. That gets angry and then snaps even if it’s the wrong person. All I could think was what bad timing it was. My mind was on today and what today would end up being like... I just... I couldn’t stand it. Hearing that she was back. Listening to what she had to say... It all hurt. It hurt you as well and that... That’s what made me snap.

I was so tired of it. The day had caught up to me and I was thinking about how today was going to go... How yesterday Gabe wouldn’t look at me or even talk to me. I wondered how is this going to effect Zach and Tyler... What about Elvis and Traveler. Those two dogs are really attached to Dad. I just couldn’t handle anymore. All that worry and hurt turned into anger. I snapped at you... Even though you weren’t my target. Hell even she wasn’t my target...

All it did was hurt you more... To worry about what was going on in my mind. I was broken up after that. Slowly falling apart like I should have done. You see not being able to be alone in my room makes it where sometimes I have to hold back my emotions and yesterday I did that. Gabe was mad at me for not saying anything to him and confiding in you. To him you are a stranger that I tell too much about my life.

Yet he always tells me I don’t care what you do. Clearly he does because if I say too much to someone... Then I get lectured. I don’t think he knew how to handle yesterday. I didn’t. All I could do was stay silent most of the time. He wanted to think I was lying, but even when I said I wasn’t... He told mom that he knew I wasn’t. He just didn’t want to believe me.

He had to go to school with this on his mind and mom had to go to work. She texted me about it. Wanting more details. It’s easier to text. Harder to talk. I don’t know what I should do today. I’m terrified. I want to just stay up here all day long and not have to deal with the storm that’s brewing.

Anyway none of this excuses me getting angry though. I shouldn’t have said what I did. It was cold and heartless. Maybe even a little selfish. To me there is no love in someone that can bounce in and out of your life like that. Someone who loves you would stay around. Acknowledging that sometimes love is pain. Maybe I don’t understand though. Maybe I’m looking at things wrong. I suppose everyone is different though.

I don’t like when people tend to flip flop around on how they feel. It bothers me a lot. It hurts the person they are doing it to. So I guess what I’m trying to say in all of this... Is that I’m sorry. I got angry and shouldn’t have. I didn’t give myself time to think and I let myself seethe over it. Not calming down immediately. In a way I didn’t want to let your words reach me. I wanted to be angry to feel something other than being upset and depressed.

Yet as always with you all barriers are down... So when you attempted to calm me... It worked. Not because I let it but because you have that effect on me. Just like when I had came home yesterday all shaken up and unable to think straight. All I wanted was to finish my journal post but I sensed you must have been panicking because you called so many times that I finally gave up and just answered.

What had been such a draining ordeal became something more. A stepping stone of breaking the chains that had settled over me. You gave me energy back, but just not enough to deal with her craziness. I won’t hate her because that’s not the kind of person I am. There is a part of me though that will always wish for her to stay away. I only want to see you happy and to hear you get upset is always a realization to me that she still has some form of hold on you.

That will always bother me. I listened last night as I normally do, but I was frustrated and seething with anger so I guess it just fed more fuel to the flame. At least my headache was gone or I would have probably been easier to piss off. Of course I’m calm and collected now when I needed to be last night. I’m sorry.

Because I know you... You’ll probably read this before work... Not something I want you to read yet... I would prefer you see it later. It’s fine either way I suppose I just would rather you go to work without anything I said worrying you... or making you feel bad. I just wanted to give a better explanation of what was going on in my mind. I’m sorry that it took until now for me to put it out there...

I guess... It’s put a lot of things in perspective for me. I was starting to worry that I was too calm and too collected for this. I was starting to worry on how deeply I felt for you. I mean don’t get me wrong. I know I care very deeply about you. I was worried because certain things that normally would make me angry didn’t. Instead I would feel only sadness instead. Like with jealousy.

In getting angry last night... It made me realize that there’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do to see you happy. If I had to I would let you go, but I have no intention of doing that if you are happy now. You’ve seen me angry now... Something I didn’t think would happen anytime soon. Maybe it’s better that way now. Though you mistakenly thought I was angry with you when I wasn’t.

I’m proud of you. For being stronger when it comes to the things she does. I won’t drag this out anymore. It’s already too damned long and I have to reread it.

I love you and again I’m sorry for getting angry and speaking without giving myself time to look at it all calmly.
  .Bunny. / -Rika / 1d 4h 15s
[h3 [center Important]]

[center To those who are reading this,
First let me start off with anyone waiting for posts from me. I have been taking up a lot of time I know. I should have had posts up a long time ago. I promise normally I’m not this slow even when most of my time has been taken up. Honestly lately my time has been going to so many damned places. I don’t know exactly where I find the time to come into my journal. I come in here and I whine and complain. I don’t get anything actually done. Instead I just fall apart and feel better not caring that it worries the people around me until later.

Anyway... Back on the topic of posts. I can’t promise I’ll have any done today. I wish I could, but I’ll work on them. Fire Force is my top priority. I need to post there so others can post there. I will do so. Actually I have some time so maybe I’ll finish my post up today. Regarding the people who pm me. I don’t message back very often. I’m sorry. I tend to forget or just not get to it. Of course I end up letting it sit around and... Well that just ends up with me forgetting. I’ll try to do better! I promise I’m not trying to avoid anyone.

Wolfy. I hope you don’t think I’ve been avoiding you or ignoring you. I read your whole post and... Thank you. It made me cry... I’m a huge crybaby lately. I apologize for that. It made me feel a lot better though and I think hanging out soon would be great! Though I understand being busy. I hope you and your boyfriend are doing well! I also hope that your jobs are getting better for you! Now onto some other things. Wolfy if we do get to hang out wether it’s for dinner or you visiting for the day or whatever it may be there is something serious I would like to talk to you about. Something I think you need to know as I’ve kept silent about it for so long.

I have to tell Jordan too. It’s finally time and not just that, but... You two need to know everything. Because a lot is going to happen in the next few days I think... and I don’t know exactly how it’s going to effect my family and home life. Things may get harder. Or maybe for once things will loosen up. I don’t want you to worry though...

I have a bad feeling in my chest, but there’s nothing I can do now. I set the ball in motion. What happens next I guess matters to the people I finally spoke to. I’m afraid. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t think afraid is the right word... I’m terrified. It wasn’t something I wanted to do today. I didn’t even have the feeling as I was leaving the house... Gabe started lecturing me though and I just couldn’t... I couldn’t stand it. It was hurting my feelings because he didn’t understand what was going on and why I was so reluctant to spend time with Dad.

I made the mistake of yelling. Telling him to stop it and that he would never understand. I think mom knew. She started asking all the right questions and with Gabe pushing me... I told them the truth of everything. I just couldn’t stand it. Yet I stayed silent almost the whole walk because... I just couldn’t think about what it might do to my family. I had to watch my mom fall apart and blame herself. Gabe got mad at me for not telling him... I don’t think he understands how much I just wanted to protect him and Zach from the truth.

It’s a hard thing to believe. It really is. I cried a lot of the walk, but started to become numb I guess... I just stopped feeling anything. They knew now. That’s all that mattered. It connected a lot of dots for mom. I think she would have been close to finding out anyway... In all honesty I wonder if I didn’t have to say anything..? Of course me saying something only made the dots connect... My mom is smart. So very intelligent. Yet like most would be... She was blind to what was going on.

I don’t blame her for that. I’m not angry about it. Instead I love her for it. It’s hard to hear things that you don’t want to hear. I get it... Gabe... I wish he hadn’t been there to hear it. Instead I wish it had just been mom. Gabe didn’t want to believe me at first. Asked if I was just lying so that I could spend more time with him... Why would I make something up like that..? Ended up he just didn’t want to believe what I said was true...

Well tomorrow things will be different. I’m terrified of what it mind be like. Terrified of what could happen...]
  .Bunny. / -Rika / 1d 20h 28m 14s
There’s been a lot on my mind lately. It seems almost constantly that something is added. Always something new to worry about. Last night a bad feeling sat in my chest after my brother came up to talk to me. It’s not something I wanted to hear. It never is. It’s never easy. I’ve accepted that. Nothing in life is. Yet there’s things that I don’t like. Dad has gone behind my back to ask my brother stuff that I’ve already answered... It sat heavy on my chest when he told me. Gabe thankfully told him no yet part of me didn’t like it. If he’s asking Gabe who else will he start asking..?

I shouldn’t care or worry about it. What I do is my business only. I am an adult after all, but the fact of the matter is... The feeling I get when it comes to that question. The heaviness on the chest and the fear that something bad will come of it. I’ve stayed quiet for the last few days. Not letting on that something has been bothering me. Instead I’ve left it be not wanting to add more things to be worried about.

It’s tiring honestly. Normally I wouldn’t write here where everyone can see... But I’m tired of letting my mind be plagued by all of this. Last night I couldn’t handle it. Your question threw me off really bad. Another realization that I hadn’t thought of. Getting bored of one another. That frightens me. I don’t see myself as entertaining. I don’t know where that question came from and it hurt for some reason. Maybe just because of how everything has been going the last few days.

A lot of things get to me I suppose. I overthink what it all could mean. I couldn’t make myself speak last night. Instead listening. When you had fallen asleep I was still awake until six. Thinking. Always thinking. That question and everything else sitting on my mind. You say you aren’t bored of me now... but that can change can’t it..? When I’m down everything becomes a problem. I start looking at all the bad things that could happen. There’s been a lot that’s drug me down. For one moment I would like a peacefulness to come over my mind.

Normally I would talk to Jordan or Wolfy about a lot of this and lately I haven’t. I have found no moment of privacy to do so. For about twenty minutes I was able to talk to Jordan without anyone around, but I barely even scratched the surface of my thoughts. Ive said this so many times... but everything you say matters and I keep it in mind. Everything we’ve talked about is there. A lot of it I haven’t commented about. Not much. I’m use to being able to put it here. I suppose it doesn’t matter where I put it though...

In words it would be nice, but for now I’ll settle for this. I have a feeling this is going to be long. There’s a lot I haven’t said. A lot I’ve kept so quiet about because I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Sometimes it was because I didn’t know how to say it as well. So let’s start with the biggest thing... I think it’s something I should get across because now I worry about everything... I don’t quite know how to plan for my future. I never look into the future.

Honestly I’m scared to. What if I build a future with someone in my mind and it falls apart..? What if it doesn’t happen..? I often wonder... When should I start looking at my future with someone..? That’s why you didn’t startle me with conversation about someday living together... How can I fear something I had never once even thought about..? Now though it is on my mind. A hopeful spot. Something I’m not use to.

I still guard myself over it though. Listening to you talk about it but never really contributing my own thoughts and feelings on it. I like the idea. I really do, but I’m also not looking that far into my future. I’m afraid to. I have once before and it only gets you burned most of the time. So I guess I just live day to day. Not really thinking much of what my life will be like several years from now... not probably the best way to look at it I guess. I am always worrying though.

You’ve yet to see me at my worst. You’ve seen me angry at the game, but that’s nothing when it comes to me being angry at a person. You also haven’t seen me down yet either. Badly down. Sobbing. I keep all of my emotions in check for the most part. Last night though I was unable to. It broke out. I was only thankful you were asleep. I wouldn’t have even been able to began explaining what was wrong.

I’ve had moments like that. I’m more emotional than I like. I’ve had moments after you’ve said things that’s made me cry. I couldn’t figure it out. I’ve not been so happy before that I’ve cried. It’s happened several times though I think. Moments where I don’t quite understand where the urge to cry came from and I panic because I don’t understand. I don’t remember being sad or depressed about anything. Last night though everything finally overflowed.

Holding onto things the way I have been the last few days has only been a burden. Causing my emotions to build up. It’s draining. Normally I come here with everything, but not wanting other people to bother me or read it... Has kept me from posting anything. Today I don’t care though. Fuck it I guess. They will only see how boring my life is. How much I complain but don’t actually do anything.

So before I go into anymore that me and you have talked about let me explain what’s been bothering me this whole damned week. Remember that walk I was on where I said I was talking to mom and you said you had a bad feeling that something was wrong..? Sadly what you had thought was wrong. I had thought about telling my mom the truth, but in the end I coward out of it. Something was bothering me though. It’s what me and mom did talk about...

The fact that she didn’t think Dad was going to stay around much longer. She is very sure that he plans to kill himself if something finally pushes him enough to do it. There’s a lot to this. The fact that he’s wrote letters about it and has gone off by himself a lot. Never in the right state of mind. These moments only happen when I’ve done something wrong. Or at least wrong in his eyes. So ive been a lot more careful lately... Not for him, but... For my mom.

I’ll never understand it, but she loves him so deeply. So I do whatever I can to not stir anything. Yet he’s always doing things to get on my nerves. Smothering me. This probably seems normal for most that I’m cold or selfish, but I know what this man has done to me. I have a right to not want him to touch me. To want him to leave me the hell alone. Last night he told Gabe he hasn’t been playing the game with him because he doesn’t want to call Gabe when I’m on the phone with you...

Jealousy. Irritating. Nothing has changed. I felt bad. Gabe being ignored because of me... Then... Gabe came up last night. What he said next really upset me. Dad has asked Gabe about me and you. If we were dating. That bad feeling came over me so quick. I got defensive and immediately upset. Asking someone else about my personal life. Gabe lied to him. Told me that I would have to say something someday, but that it wasn’t his job to say anything.

I thought about that all night mostly. Even when we were playing the game. I was so bothered by it. Angered and depressed. I was already in my mind most of the time about what me and mom talked about. So already upset about a lot. Then you asked about us getting bored of one another. That just broke the barricade that was just keeping my emotions in check. Maybe I needed it. To fall apart. To be able to break down even if it was something so small that caused me to.

I had thought about telling you. About reaching out, but as always when it comes to moments where I am falling apart I only remained silent about it. Not wanting to worry you any further. Not wanting you to think that you had hurt me that badly when really it was everything else finally overflowing. Everything I had been thinking about this whole week.

Last night I figured that if you were bored of me you would tell me or stopping talking to me as much... I don’t know if you were more concerned about me getting bored of you or what, but now it’s something on my mind. Something I’m worrying about. It’s fine though... Everyday I’m finding something new about relationships. Something I had either forgotten or didn’t think about.

There’s other things bothering me. More I would love to say, but it would delve down into personal things that I definitely don’t want to write out here. So I guess for now those things will remain on my mind. I honestly wish this could have been a cute post. Something gushing. Something that may make you smile, but for now it has to be this. So that my mind can be cleared. So that I can focus better. So that I can be affectionate... More affectionate towards you.
  .Bunny. / -Rika / 4d 3h 55m 57s
I would really like to have the real-time back... Definitely miss writing in here >_<
  .Angel. / -Rika / 5d 3h 58m 51s
Well this is annoying. I have been wanting to post in here for days about a lot of things and now... If I want to say anything it will be posted below. I liked the privacy of being able to post above... >_<. So. Now this has become useless. So much on my mind too. It’s made me easily distracted and somewhat distant I guess. It helps when I have somewhere to put it... I guess it’s fine though. Maybe I was leaning on this place too much. Using it as a method to get everything I want to say out... When I should have just said it instead of coming here...

There’s a lot that’s been on my mind. Some of it troubling some of it not. Yesterday was rare. It was a good day. Nothing plagued me. Nothing bit at me. No anger. No irritation. No jealousy. Yet worry sat in that night. Over a lot. I worry about a lot of things you say. Even if they are jokes. Somethings still cause me to think. I realize that a lot of the time I don’t take the step to initiate anything between us first. Always letting you lead. I have answers for that but I didn’t say anything. As I normally wait and think on it and then bring it up here...

I haven’t been able to do that. A lot of things have been talked about and I haven’t been able to come here for any of it. Instead I’m stuck in complete silence unsure of what to say or do in that moment. I was tired last night and thinking over all of these things. Everything I haven’t been able to say or put in here. It gets to be a bit overwhelming. There’s always time right..? That’s what you said. There’s a lot of stuff I think needs to be revisited because I feel I never said enough. Never shared my thoughts or feelings.

Only listened. It bothers me. A lot. That’s what makes me feel unemotional half the time. If I can’t get anything out... If I can’t say it... Then there will be a lack in communication. Or I’ll always be in my head. As I was last night. Where I am paying attention but not enough. Where I’m drifting between too many thoughts. I can tell because of how I played the game last night. I wasn’t as careful. Sometimes what you said I didn’t catch because I was thinking instead of listening.

Jealousy is something we talked about a lot. Why I get jealous... Things like that. You've not seen me at my worst of it... The way I react to it is a lot different from when I was younger... I thought it would be the same but it’s not. It use to bring anger. Bad anger too. Accusations and sometimes even brought me close to snapping. That’s all faded out I guess. I handle it calmly... Because that’s how I figured I have to handle it. Since angers not what comes up anymore when I feel jealousy. It’s only depression. Sadness. I’m not good enough. I am flawed. Always the same. There’s always someone out there better than me.

I guess I’m going to end this before I spill way too much. It’s enough that this will be read. I hate it, but I had to put something here. To clear at least a few thoughts away...
  .Angel. / -Rika / 14d 4h 26m 49s
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