[center My Journal.
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The meaning of Rip out the wings of a butterfly is something innocent doing something terrible
My self esteem is at such a low lately... I know I’ve always had problems, but it’s been a lot worse. Sometimes I can shrug it off others it hits me really hard...
[center -Consider buying a notebook or two why your out. Pens/pencils as well.
-Fingernail clippers are needed buying those wouldn’t be a bad idea.
-Finish up job application. Not today but after this horrible period...
-Find Sometime to actually vent here... Just feel horrible today... Since last night. Don’t want to let too much of that sit on my mind...
-Lennon... I don’t know what else to say here. I miss him.]
[center I forgot to mention how proud I am of you that you keep going. That you keep trying to find solutions. I’m the end it’s because of you that I am even going to try.]
[center I am easily stressed out and depressed. People fucking drain me. It’s something I wish I could get over. I don’t like feeling like my whole world is closing in on me and all these people are surrounding me. I fear what they think and what they have to say to me. It’s difficult to break away from every stray thought that crosses my mind. I’m easily hurt and I often wonder can I hold my composure in a work place..?
I’ll try is the only thing I can say. I was thinking on everything you had talked about and it made me realize I took this waiting a little too long. I should have stuck to what my family expected of me. Get a job when I first got here, but even then the thoughts of how I was going to handle it pushed in around me. I’m a pushover. It’s not like it’s hard to get me to agree to things.
What can I say..? I want to be an asshole but I can’t.
Everything is worth a try though. I can only do my best and hope everything comes out okay in the end.
Right now everything hurts worse than it should. Anxiety and my nerves are even crushing me. I wondered for a moment if maybe I had made the wrong move in coming here. Maybe I should have listened to what my family said... Yet thinking about leaving hurts me more than anything else. I kept quiet about the things that were on my mind why you were typing away. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep.
Damn periods coming up so... I’m so fucking groggy and tired. Even this afternoon it was hard to get up. I was up when I felt you get off the bed. I just wanted to sleep more, but couldn’t so I just gave up and got up with you...
After you left though... I decided I needed to start getting everything ready so that I could start working. I took a shower to wake up... But I’m stupid because it has the opposite effect since it relaxes me, but I smell good ^^. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get anything done though. I did. I have it saved for the moment. I want to go over everything with you before I hit apply.
Yesterday when you were having a crisis... I couldn’t help but think how interesting it was. You see before we left I was having my own crisis... About how uneasy it makes me to call home. Every time I have to tell them I haven’t started working yet... I feel like a failure... So why you were talking I was processing everything you were saying...
I can’t make choices for you. I’m not that kind of person. Deep down I just wanted to tell you to do what you thought would make you happy. For some reason I didn’t feel like those words would be good enough... So I didn’t say it. I kept quiet thinking over the situation and what I could do.
Led me down the road of dark thoughts... Such as wondering if I should offer to go back home and figure out something there before coming back... That just... Hurt me to think about... I can barely think about leaving just to go visit on holidays and what not... If you didn’t come with... I don’t know... I don’t think I could do it...
Maybe it’s something to look into more. To talk about more. The job stuff not me going home... Unless of course that’s on the table to discuss I guess...
If you want me to wait still until I’m ready... It’ll be waiting forever. My social anxiety will always win. Being in the position where I have to get the job is the only way I would end up doing it and that’s the position and mindset I put myself in this afternoon.]
[center So... I have to say I must have been stupid when I first started playing Star Ocean The Last Hope because not learning the blindside mechanic really ruined a lot of things >_<. Actually taking the time to learn it a bit this time around actually feels better. It’s rather nice ^^. I love it. I’m sure something will throw me off about it, but... For now I don’t know I feel happy.
On another note I do feel better. Guess talking does tend to help, but sometimes it takes time for me to be able to break past my own feelings and guards to finally say something. Last night my heart was beating so hard and fast. I knew I was finally going to speak, but I just didn’t know how to say it.
I guess you ended up understanding though. I always think that it’s going to end up badly for me. That it’ll end in confrontation which I’m bad at it... I should know better. You’ve always been understanding even if you don’t fully agree with me. Which is fine. I don’t need to be fully agreed with. I just want to be heard and spoken to like a normal human which is what you do.
There are some things I have kept silent on. Always thinking it over multiple times in my head... Trying to decide if it’s something I can really handle right now or if... Maybe I can’t... I have so little trust in others. I think the worst constantly and I don’t always think of people as “getting better”. Change takes time and I don’t always think that it works. My belief in people is very low.
I share very little on what I think about certain things because I feel I’m too harsh... Too cold...
To be honest I had stopped thinking about it until I read your journal today... Guess I just don’t like how i feel when I think about it all I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish good things for people because I do. All the best in fact, but I also don’t know about moving back into their lives...
If Larry came back into my life... I would turn him away. He would get the cold shoulder he gave me in the end. I wouldn’t want to let him close to me at all... I don’t even care if he changed. Now a days I don’t even care about him. What I know comes from my friends and family that tell me, but I don’t ask...
I know him though. He can’t be happy unless he’s worshipped... I’m not saying people don’t change... And I’m not saying don’t reconnect... My opinions on the matter are different and fueled with some form of distrust and uncertainty.
People make me uneasy... When someone intends to hurt me... I don’t forgive them easily and I judge them harshly afterwards. I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people and I regretted it in the end. So for them people to look at me now with unease... I can understand. My anger got me into a lot of confrontations... With family and friends. That’s the first thing my mom warned you and your family of... “She has a temper...”
I haven’t gotten angry in a long time. Some times it comes back. I can taste it, but not long after I crumble. I can’t even use it anymore. I have moments of irritation and I guess I get bratty... but I can’t even say I get angry because I remember what anger was like for me.
You met me both at a good and a bad time. A good time because I was able to deal with everything that came at me without running away and hiding... Without giving in even though my weak mind wanted to... a bad time because I was broken and felt used up. I hated people more than I ever had before...
I recoiled from them. Blocking them out... For a lot of reasons I guess. Some a lot more serious then others.]
[center Since last night my mind has been against me. Like a pack of wolves taking down a wounded stag. There’s a fight, but the stag is succumbing to its wounds and will be devoured.
Even when calm I find myself falling right back into tears. I can explain what my mind is doing to me, but I just don’t see the point. It’s not like those thoughts can be stopped.
I still felt the same when I woke this morning. So much so that I couldn’t sleep even though I wanted to...
I can’t even sleep now. I just want to cry... It’s hard to drown these thoughts and feelings away...]
[center For you,
When you started getting to know me I was only existing in this world. I wasn’t living. I wasn’t happy. I figured life had already reared it’s head and given me everything that I was going to get. I had Lennon and I had Sera. They were my purpose. Both those animals chained me into place. I would go no where without them. Their lives meant more than my own. Sadly they were used against me in a lot of ways.
Sera was used against me in my early twenties. You would think that I would have grown to resent or hate her, but as mean as that cat was I loved her a lot. She was wonderful in her own way and the things that happened were not her fault. Can’t hate her for something she had no idea about. Yet my sanctuary was often invaded because of her.
Well not because of her. She was used as an excuse and Lennon was as well. My days always started at seven. This was getting Lennon’s meds and breakfast. I had so many timers set for Lennon. I was downstairs constantly. Almost every damned day. I barely got a break to go upstairs. Not that it would matter if I did.
Finding Final Fantasy XIV was both a good thing and a bad thing. I would get up as early as possible and stay up as late as possible. I just drowned my life in that. Letting it take over my life. If it meant I could find some escape from what I was living then it was much better than anything else. I ignored a lot of people just to fall deeper into that game. If no one played it well then I wasn’t interesting in talking to them for prolonged periods of time.
Meeting you changed a lot of things for me. I didn’t even really see myself as a person. I didn’t see myself as really anything important. I was simply living to keep Lennon and Sera taken care of. Mostly Lennon. Lennon needed me the most. It was hard to keep going though. So many dark thoughts had crossed my mind. I didn’t think I had time for friends. I would take awhile before I replied to some of your messages. I figured you’d be gone in a few days.
You would forget about me and find someone much more interesting to talk to. I wouldn’t have cared in the beginning. I had written myself off. I would keep you entertained and tell you about myself because in the end it wouldn’t matter. I was only truthful about myself because I didn’t see a reason not to be. You were a stranger and honestly I thought you would be gone out of my life rather quickly.
I was surprised to keep finding messages. To have you want my number and you even stayed around after you had seen my pictures. I wasn’t even really taking care of myself. I would let my hair get extremely tangled. I had stopped everything. In a way I guess I was trying to make myself unwanted. I just didn’t care about myself anymore. I was broken. I wasn’t trying to pick up the pieces anymore.
I thought I had picked them up too many times. I was just tired of it. If my friends and the one person I had cared about couldn’t pick them up... Well how could a stranger..? Yet I started looking forward to your messages and slowly I was looking forward to your texts and then your calls.
Sadly I’m untrusting. I’m constantly full of doubts and fears. Sure things would just go downhill. To say things didn’t frighten me would be a lie. A lot of things bothered me a lot. Yet you were always honest at least I had to trust that you were being honest. It was so hard. Everyone has demons. Things that make us flawed. Things that don’t make us perfect people.
That’s fine right..? Humanity isn’t perfect. So many things could have made me walk away. I wasn’t interested in fighting for your affection. I wasn’t interested in starting a war in my own home, but I did anyway. Losing Lennon was a big blow and not long after I lost Sera too.
All the fighting with Dad. I wasn’t sure I could put up much of a fight anymore. I didn’t think I had rebellion left. Guess you proved that wrong. Then again maybe deep down I knew you were worth fighting for. I believe people have another half out there. Soul mates if that’s what you want to call it.
I think I’ve found that in you. No one makes me feel the way you do. Even when small things invade I find myself constantly thinking. I have so many trust issues and yet here I am laying next to you. I have a lot of jealousy issues and I try really hard to work on them. You kind of make it hard sometimes though as you like to kinda give into me.
I take a lot of time to think over things. I think I have to naturally. I have to think over every scenario. Much like early this morning. My mind has stayed on it for quite some time. Everything you talked about. Everything I read. I couldn’t relax all that well and I’ll admit sleep after you left was troubled and filled with nightmares.
Anyway... I’m glad that I’m here. I feel this is where I was suppose to end up. I love you.]
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