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[center I didn’t sleep until early this morning. Everything settled in last night. I should have known. It always settles in at night. It didn’t help that I was surrounded with traces of her. Places she had just been in a few hours ago. She was in them watching me like she always did even though she was tired. I knew something hadn’t been right with her yesterday. She was worse than normal. Early that morning she had climbed onto the bed to lay against my side. I move so much though... It annoys her. I wish I hadn’t moved as much.
I’ll regret that for awhile. Moving too much. I won’t be able to lay with her like that again. I didn’t like sleeping with her because she always made me uncomfortable. I normally always relented though and left her wherever she laid. She would get irritated with me at some point though and move away from me. She wasn’t the sweetest cat. No Sera I think was her own breed. She had her moments. Getting in my lap and wanting me to pet her head. Laying on my legs and just enjoying her time with me until she had enough.
Usually enough resulted in her biting me or clawing me. It irritated me but it was something I was use to. She wasn’t very old. Only six or seven. Not old at all for a cat. I hope she wasn’t suffering that much. We couldn’t afford to take her to the vet. Lennon’s vet appointments were so expensive and daily that it just drained us. So I could only make sure Sera was comfortable during her last few days.
I got up late today, but... I know there’s a lot I have to do. I have to clean my room. Erase at least most of her traces. I am hoping it’ll make Dream more comfortable. He seemed depressed today. They were far from friends but they did live with one another for almost a year. She has to be buried. Tyler says he’s going to do it, but honestly I think I may go out there and do it. She was mine after all.
I only hope tonight is easier... I’m irritated with dad because he complained about not going to see her... You can probably guess why he stopped coming to see her. I’m surprised he didn’t blame it on me. The look he had though... That told me the story of what he was thinking though. Or maybe he was mad because I seemed unfeeling... It didn’t help that by the time they had gotten home I was emotionally numb. I couldn’t feel or cry anymore. I had already sat and done that.
I guess those emotions came back though and at the worst time... I couldn’t stand it. I was frustrated at the timing and had tried to keep myself calm. Hell calm didn’t even exist anymore. You tried so hard too... So hard to keep me entertained and happy... but last night as it got later I started to notice things. The emptiness in the room and the traces she left behind. Your talking broke those emotions down even more bringing them to the surface. Normally I would choose to hurt on my own, but instead I clung to you. I hadn’t wanted to. You had work today and you would be tired... Yet you stayed awake worrying about me. That’s why I chose to speak to you last night after I had calmed down.
I figured once you heard I was okay then maybe you would find sleep a little easier. It seemed to only get you talking more though and when I told you that you should sleep... You surprised me by getting a little upset. Telling me you were ready yet that you wanted to keep talking to me. So I let you until you were exhausted. In a way it made me tired enough to sleep too.
I can’t thank you enough for everything that you do. You are everything I could want and more. You being there last night really made things easy. The more you are around. The more I see.... The more I become more comfortable and less doubtful. So again thank you...]
[center Jumin Han from mystic messenger]
[center Using as a picture reference.]
[center [pic https://i.pinimg.com/originals/98/61/bc/9861bcf53d25afe228159df29b7866e3.jpg]]
[center [pic https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d8/65/e5/d865e5d86747bf726ce3a19162d1dd4a.jpg]]
[center [pic https://i.pinimg.com/originals/5f/c5/e3/5fc5e386e54e86e2fc392aed1d8d760e.jpg]]
I don’t know why but for once I feel I’ve said too much. Felt I should have kept a lot to myself.
[center I kept mom pretty busy today. Lots of talking and sharing music with her. Stuff I haven’t really been able to do in awhile. Usually dad always has her attention. We walked with Gabe today too. A very long walk too. It was nice. I can tell that when we came home though that Dad didn’t like it. We had been gone for quite some time. He gets jealous when we take her for way too long. I guess he still complains that I don’t pay any attention to him.
I told mom I am trying my best and she seems to believe me about that. Gabe seemed to believe it as well. A lot was talked about but not really much I can say because a lot of it doesn’t pertain to me. She did mention that the library was hiring part time. It would mean I was around a bunch of books. I don’t think I would mind honestly. I think she said it was evening hours. It might not be a bad idea. I shouldn’t probably think on it too long. If it’s something I want to take I should decide soon. It’s in walking distance which is really nice. I walk passed the place every time I walk with mom and Gabe. So I’m not afraid I wouldn’t be able to get there.
It would give me money too. I could get you something ~
I could also save up too. Hmm... The more I think on it as I write it’s really not a terrible idea. I may just apply.
We talked about Lennon today. A lot.
I think what we mostly talked about though was where Tyler would be placed when mom and dad were gone. Gabe decided on taking him. That’s fine. I’m not hurt by that. Gabe can do a lot more than I can, but it seems mom has also came to the conclusion that I am serious about leaving the state someday. That’s not a bad thing. I’m glad she knows where my mind might possibly be. I worried that she would think I would remain here forever.
We talked about that too. Seriously talked about it. I told her it was a possibility. I have to think that way because of who I am dating. I was waiting to get scolded. Normally Gabe would discourage me or tell me I should only be thinking of my own future, but surprisingly he seemed to get what I was saying. Mom understood as well.
It was a fun walk and for once Gabe didn’t tease me about everything he dislikes about me ^^. Mom told me she could see all the weight I was losing. For a bit it made me feel pretty good.
The only thing we talked about that did bother me was what you thought of my dad... I... Guess they told him that you know. I lied a lot during that conversation. Said we didn’t talk about dad. Which we only do when I bring things up. Dad finally told mom the truth. That he would never come around to liking you. Mom said that it is what it is and that she’s sure after I tell him we are dating and everything settles then he will get use to it... I guess he really is trying to treat me like a daughter. I’m just nervous about it. I guess he had told mom he had planned on telling her before I did because he felt guilty.
I don’t know what he exactly told mom and Gabe that day, but he didn’t deny what I had told them, but he did give them a different story. I just don’t know what it is. I don’t think they want to tell me because I may argue against it... I guess you can never tell what’s on another’s mind huh..? Well it doesn’t matter. Even though I should be cold and hateful about this whole thing I decided to be forgiving. To do my best to make my family happy. I will always be watchful though. The minute I’m not treated as a daughter or something goes wrong... I won’t be as forgiving again.
Gabe is still telling me I shouldn’t tell anyone else though. I’ll leave it be for now. It didn’t hurt as badly as it did the first two times he said it. Maybe it’s because I know they have his half of the story..? I don’t know. Mom told me she loves us both and not any differently. For some strange reason that bothers me. I don’t know why though.
The only other thing that made me uneasy was how dad was mad and suspicious of mom when we got home. Jeez all we did was walk. What the hell could the three of us got into..? If he was so worried he should have just came with. We all want time with mom. It’s not like I can tell her anything else. There’s nothing left to tell I don’t think. I got everything out.
Whatever though I guess. The days been good so I’m not going to let the small stuff bother me.]
[center I don’t know how to be his daughter anymore. I have been trying just to make my family happy and it’s not like I’m unhappy until moments like this come up. I’m addressed about not saying hi or hugging him when I first come down. Sometimes I don’t even think about it. Hell sometimes no one gets a greeting from me. I just don’t feel like it. Grandma and Shelly normally talk to me themselves. They greet me right away so I respond. Same with Zach and Tyler. If they say something to me then of course I am going to respond back.
I understand and I get it... It’s hard. The thing is... It’s hard on me too. I do everything I can to try and be a good daughter. If I’m asked to play the game I will. That hasn’t happened lately. Honestly the money everyone spent on the fortnite pass is wasted this time around I noticed. I know that’s the only game we all play mostly because my storage device got broken. Not really anything I can do about that though. When a movie is being watched and I’m invited down to watch it I will. I watched that Spider-Man movie and I wasn’t even offered to watch it and I know everyone knows Spider-Man is my favorite superhero.
If he wants to talk to me I just don’t know what to talk about anymore. Not my games or anything like that. We don’t have the same taste and he doesn’t like or understand Anime so that’s out the window. Even our music tastes are different. I can’t be on my phone so I can’t share things I read or see on reddit. I talk a lot about the things I watch on YouTube, but really it’s all stuff that doesn’t really interest him. I can’t talk about my friends and I definitely can’t talk about my boyfriend. All hell breaks lose. He doesn’t even know I’m dating anyone because I know what will happen.
Of course Gabe lectures me on that one. Someday he will find out and then what are you going to do..? You can’t hide him forever. Honestly I just wish mom would tell him because mom just has a better way of dealing with the way dad gets. I just don’t have it in me to argue anymore. Honestly if he got mad at me I would just sit there and cry anyway. I would say I don’t get angry anymore, but I do. Just not in the same way I use to. I sound so weak when I read over what I am typing. Like I can’t handle my own life. Really though I guess sometimes I can’t.
I do really try though. I only want everyone to be happy. I think the best thing would be for me to leave. To get away from all of them. I’ve thought about it. Getting a job and getting out. It’s always on my mind.
I don’t hate anyone... Honestly everything that’s happened has been forgiven because I can’t just sit with anger and hatred on my mind. I just think I would feel better if I wasn’t here. I could go far away or even stay in the same town... but leaving I think would ultimately be the best idea. I mean honestly it’s almost like a live alone already. I’m in my room all day because I can’t chance going downstairs with my phone. When I do take it downstairs it’s on silent.
I don’t even text friends very often anymore because I never know when I can get back to them. I notice that even when I show mom pictures and stuff I have to watch out or I’ll get told to put my phone away or go upstairs. It’s frustrating and I’ve tried doing the best I can.
What’s sad... It bothers me the most too... Is I know more about my boyfriends family than he knows about mine. He only knows what I tell him. Only knows what he’s heard when I was able to be on the phone downstairs. I told my mom this and she could only say that she wasn’t home a lot because of work. That’s not the problem. The problem is I’m confined to my room whenever my phone is involved.
I’m sure most adults wouldn’t have this problem. So why do I put up with it..? Because I don’t want the conflict that would arise if I didn’t.
I guess I just got irritated today when dad texted me about not saying hi or hugging him and then when I went downstairs to do so he started on the whole do I really love him thing and... Do I really want him to be my dad... I got frustrated. Yet I stayed silent and just said everything was fine.
I think I’ve vented enough for one day. This seems to be the only thing I can vent about without causing any trouble...]
You know... With everyone I’ve dated... I never shared a song with them. Never had someone say “Hey that’s our song.” I don’t know if it was because I never shared music interest with them or because I just wasn’t invested enough to care.
Honestly it surprised me last night. I hadn’t expected you to sing it for me. I recognized it from the music. Before he started singing before you had to start it over so that you could sing it.
Small journal post >_< shockingly.
Status: “I have been generous ‘til now. I can be cruel.”
It’s funny... How things have changed so drastically. Living at home is only difficult when I go downstairs. Trying to appease everyone. People want to see me and want me to help with things so I go downstairs to do just that. Usually when I have nothing to do... Nothing to keep me distracted my phone becomes ideal. Not for texting. Not for calling. I tend to use it for other things. Reddit. Spotify. Soundcloud. Things to keep me busy. Entertained. I’ve been compliant about a lot of things. I don’t text when I’m downstairs. I don’t accept calls. Actually I’m barely seen downstairs anymore. I’m constantly upstairs even when I’m not on the phone.
It’s just been better that way. I don’t have to deal with being told to put my phone away when everyone else is on theirs. >_<. I’m treated unfairly. It shouldn’t matter. I know that. I am an adult, but I’ve become so compliant that I just do as told because I don’t want to hear the aggression anymore. My mom told me to just ignore it. That it doesn’t matter what he says. Not to let it bother me. I don’t know why it bothered me so much today.
It’s storming outside. The rain and the wind sound calming. The thunder sounds rather nice as well. It’s funny though. Dream doesn’t seem to understand what is going on. He’s watching the windows with wide eyes XD. Silly cat. Too bad he’s normally an asshole.
Sera’s not feeling well. She hasn’t been for the last several days. Not eating. Not really drinking. She just kind of lays around. Either in my chair or somewhere on my bed. She will let me pet her too for very long periods which is weird for her. She bites when she’s being petted too much. She even let dream get close and smell her and she doesn’t like that either. She hates dream. She’s been throwing up.
On top of the cat not feeling well I’ve had a pain in my left side. It comes and goes but I’ve been watching it. A pain like that could get worse. Hopefully I’m only over thinking things. My right side got a pain in it today and it worried mom. She wants me to tell her if it gets any worse. They come and go. Never really staying long. I’ll watch them for now. If they get any worse I suppose I’ll have to go to the doctor. Would really prefer not to though.
Hopefully Sera will start feeling better. I don’t like when she’s sick like this. Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever seen her sick like she is now...
I think I’ll clean up the litter boxes and then find something to do or maybe I’ll nap with Sera.
|Rika| |26| |Female| |Aries| |His Bunny| |Happy|
Status: Ah the holidays...
[center Thanksgiving. It was a good day. Grandma was in a really good mood. I didn’t get much sleep at first only about three hours. Eight to eleven. Dinner was done by twelve. Probably early for most, but it’s how we’ve done it every year. There’s always tons of stuff left over so for the next few days it’ll be left overs. That will get tiring I suppose XD. This is the first big holiday without Lennon. It’s very noticeable too. He would have been out in the kitchen and in the way slapping at anyone who might just give him some food. Grandma would have gave him whatever he wanted.
This morning. Early hours weren’t so good. I’m too difficult for my own good. Stubborn. It would have been a lot easier if I had just spit what I needed to say out, but... I guess I still managed. Gotta get better at that and hopefully I will.
I can’t say I did much after eating. I didn’t XD. I went upstairs and went back to bed. From two until six. I was tired. I wasn’t feeling too good either. Holiday time XD. Damn grandma can cook ^^.
I think I’ll spend the rest of my night curled up with the book I’m reading. Lisey’s Story by Stephen King. I’ve read it once. It’s a good one. My favorite. Hopefully the rest of the night is enjoyable.]
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