[center My Journal.
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[center I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was so tired and drained yet it took forever to finally sleep. I know the phone had hung up and I was still awake. Usually I’ll count to fall asleep. It bores me enough XD. Last night I did something different.
I listed all the things that I liked about you. I guess i was feeling stressed out and I wanted something to calm me down. Surprisingly this helped. I was able to drift off to sleep at some point. Sadly all that awaited me was a nightmare. I can’t remember much. Just a storm. A horrible one.
I’ve finished what I was suppose to do today. Just a little laundry left and I’ll be done permanently. I’m feeling nervous and still a little stressed out, but I don’t feel horrible. I feel like I am in a better mood.
You are worrying a lot hon. Stop worrying. Can’t even do it myself but I would like you too. Everything will be fine.]
[center So I didn’t even think to tell you the reason I hadn’t answered when you called. I was in a dungeon and the tank was doing huge pulls and I couldn’t look away for a second or she would have died. XD maybe I should have let her she was the one that was telling me how to White mage XD.
I have a lot of things to do still. I guess it is kind of stressing me out. I’m nervous too. It doesn’t help that I’m tired as well. I’ve really got to sleep better. I can imagine how Sunday is going to be. I’m going to be so tired v.v.
I’ll probably end up sleeping in the car a lot. ]
I'm trying to call you! I've good news!
[center The irritation faded finally, but now I’m left just feeling down... I think I’m just tired and cranky.]
[center Hmm I kinda feel down. I don’t know where that feeling came from.]
[center I suppose I can be seen as a lot of things. Jealousy and possessiveness do tend to overrun me a lot. I try very hard to keep those kinds of emotions at bay, but they escape and end up causing me a whole hell of a lot of trouble. I break down and think the worst of myself. I can always do better.
It has ended a lot of things for me. When I show just about every side I have. I have a side of me that panics too. I always fear it’s easy to take things too far. I always feel like I’m one step away... One word away from losing people. It’s the same for you.
I always wonder what it might be. Maybe it would be an accident or maybe a miscommunication... Hell maybe you’ll just get tired of my bullshit. All the stuff you say you love... I just wonder when it’ll become annoying... when will it become a burden..?
So before I get too much farther into this... Let me apologize. I’m sorry. I should have specified on a lot more than I actually did. Instead I was kind of cold and distant. I shut you down without giving a reason as to why I did it even though I did have one. I guess I just didn’t think about it. I hate reacting to things when I’m upset because I don’t think as much.
I mean in the end it was a good thing. I’m proud of what you did. I really am. It was something really important I’m just sad that I was too upset to think about it at the time. Guess that’s normal though. I didn’t really think about it but Wolfy was right about the routine thing. I don’t like things I’m use to getting messed up.
I should have expected it and handled it calmly, but my emotions were out of control today. Can’t really figure out that one. I hadn’t exactly felt great when I woke up. I wasn’t in a bad mood, but I wasn’t in a good one either. I just felt like something bad was looming...
Guess it was just me... Usually I can focus on things but... Even final fantasy was hard to focus on. That’s weird to say because it’s what I used to disconnect with myself. I just couldn’t do it though. I tend to forget about being gone long periods of time... I really miss you in those long periods though.
I can’t say I feel at ease. I still feel down I guess... I feel like I’m a bad person in all of this. That maybe I should be showing a lot more restraint than I already do. I can try harder.
I panicked because I thought you were mad at me. I wasn’t angry just upset earlier. Stupid to even be upset I guess, but it is what it is. I thought I had finally pushed the right buttons to make you angry. That made me panic a lot. Probably too much.
I don’t like to show panic. I can blame this on emotional scars, but maybe that’s just a cop out. I was scared. I always get scared when people are angry with me. That’s when you can hear the worst things. It could be what they really think of you or even breaking up with you. It could be them simply looking down at you like you don’t even belong on the same earth they walk.
I think the sigh I gave when you called was one from a pouty child finally getting what they wanted, but also it was of relief. It probably sounded the way it did though because I had been crying... I am a crybaby when I panic. Anyway it had just been a relief to hear you so cheerful. I guess it made me realize you weren’t angry...
Which got me crying again. I’ll try to be more careful from now on. I’ll get use to the routine being broken. Change is normal and it’s fine. I’ll try to keep myself more in control.
I’m getting tired I think I’ll sleep now. I’ll add more tomorrow if I need to...
I am sorry. I love you.]
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