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[center I woke up feeling sick. Not a feeling I can easily go back to sleep with. My emotions are not under my control today. It’s a lot of energy to not give into them. I didn’t sleep well last night. You asked something last night that I was quiet for a long time before I answered. My answer is still the same, but I had wanted to tell you that it has caused me to form bad habits. You’ve spoiled me. It’s not a good thing. Last night the phone hung up early. Forty two minutes. I had to look up stuff to listen to so I could eventually fall asleep and then I just slept horrible. Continuously woke up and tossed and turned. At six I gave up and turned it all off.
You offer and give so much of your time to me... Yet I always feel that I want or need more of it. I am silent about it though. Fighting every emotion that sparks up like now. Wanting to text you or call you myself. It’s draining.]
[center I got called down just to go and get dinner. My head is pounding and I am feeling exhausted. I slept fine, but I just can’t seem to get enough of it. All I want to do is sleep or cry. Leaving my room made me almost start crying. I felt dizzy earlier. This damned period will be the death of me if it stays like this all week or however long it decides to stay. There is too much on my mind for this.]
[center I know for sure I love the original version at the bottom, but I’m unsure of how I feel right now about the English one at the top...]
[center I just feel... Bad. Uneasy. A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Somethings not right but I don’t know what. If I have to I will drown everything out...]
[center Update: The glass pen has annoyed me. I don’t see how I’m suppose to use something like it to write anything. I am going back to my regular pen until I don’t feel so fucking off. The damned ink dried just the little time on the phone. It came off easily though and then I couldn’t get the water dried out of it. When I finally succeeded with that it started to bleed through everything...]
[center People really think you can summon hellhounds..? Man if anyone went through my search history they would think I was one of those people... I just was curious if any lore had them be summoned. Well hell.]
[center I dreamed you cheated on me and I caught you yesterday morning. That is what I dreamed about.
We still have things to talk about... My pm and the message below.
I’m tired, but sleep will not come easy. I’m depressed and I feel sick to my stomach. My chest is hurting as well as my left side...]
[center I spent time today working with that Glass pen I got for Christmas. It was definitely an interesting thing to use. It was a mess. I will probably spend most of the night trying to get the damned ink off of my hands. Hell maybe it will be off the next time I washed my hands. I don’t know but I hated seeing it stain my skin the way it did. I use to not care, but seeing it almost reminded me of being a child. Playing with paint or markers.
Even though I desperately wanted my skin cleaned I continued until I seen every ink on paper. It’ll be fun I think, but for tonight I am discouraged and don’t want to mess with it anymore. The inks are lovely. The pen writes beautifully. Makes me wish I knew calligraphy or that I remembered some of the Kanji I had learned back in high school. Writing it with that pen would have been very satisfying I think.
I spoke with mom about what dad had said to Zach. I expressed concern about the fact that I hoped nobody would be closed off to me when I left. Mom said she would make sure that didn’t happen. She also talked about a day we could all talk. You, me, her, and your mom. She sounded a lot more sure of it this time. Sadly I won’t set my heart on it. I can’t because in a way I’m afraid to believe her.
In the end I know it wouldn’t be her fault if she wasn’t able to. It would be dads. Speaking of... The thing I wrote below... I threw those pages away. I can’t even bare to show that to mom. I am a coward. Maybe... I want to preserve so much. I don’t want to ruin everything completely. I don’t want to put the final nail in the coffin. When I was writing it the other day the more I see that it would have been so easy to know I wasn’t consenting.
I am inexperienced in a lot of things in this world. I know things though. I’m not stupid. I don’t always like the way Gabe looks down on me and I now wonder what he must think of me. Am I a type of siren to him..? A succubus calling men to me..? I’m definitely not pretty enough to be. I’m also not any of those things. I didn’t ask for the things that happened to me. I liked one older man. Just one. The rest I looked at in fear. One I respected and loved like a father.
I often find myself wondering... Where did I go wrong..? How did all this happen..? What did I do..? In a way I think the experience may have even broken my self esteem even more. Thinking about what Gabe must think only breaks me further at some point. He’s my younger brother. I don’t like the fact that he may think I may be someone who cheats or doesn’t know what she wants, but in the end I’m too nice to break his illusions. Not too nice. Too weak. He thinks I am doing things too quickly. Deciding things without fully thinking.
He doesn’t realize that I think every night. I think about every action I’m taking. I think about so much that I barely fucking sleep. Telling him things like that only makes him irritated with me. I guess at some points it doesn’t really matter does it..? It won’t change how he treats me. All he talks about when he comes into my room is that at some point it will be his. If he’s aiming to hurt me that way it won’t work.
I have no attachment to this bedroom. Sera’s gone. All that’s left are my things and in the end some of this stuff means nothing as well. If anything I would give him this room now and take the smaller one. It doesn’t matter to me in the end, but I’m cruel. I’ll stay to this room until I leave. He can bide his time by counting how long I have left.
This probably seems completely opposite of how I was speaking before. In all honesty I believe Gabe treats me this way because he doesn’t know the truth... Sometimes deep down though I think he does and he’s still in some way trying to believe the lie even though he knows better. I won’t say I’ve never lied before. I have and I can be a pretty good liar when I want to be, but this situation... I would never lie like this. It could ruin so much for a person.
I don’t know how I can ever explain to Gabe what it has done to me. I am afraid of my reactions to certain situations. I’ve thought of one several times and even though I had laughed about it in the end and I had been surprised I wonder... Was there underlying fear there..? There could have been. In the end I think too much. Put too much thought into everything.
Plus my trust in everyone always feels so thin. It’s so hard to keep myself from not thinking the worst. On nights I think too much it raises every doubt I’ve had. It is very frustrating. Very tiring.
I’ve been far too emotional these last few days. Certain things upsetting me more than usual. I really don’t like it. It can only mean my period is probably coming. I’ve felt the sharp pains in my left side. Last night there was a pain in my back that lasted a little too long. I’ll watch it. I just hope that if this ovary ends up needing to be removed that it’s not dad that has to take me for that.
Not that he probably would anyway. At least I can count on Zach or Shelly if moms not home.]
[center I cleaned my room like I wanted. Didn’t move the tv though. I spent time writing down some hard things on paper. I don’t know what I’m going to do with those sheets of paper... I wonder if I should give them to mom, but... I don’t know. Some of its incomplete. Missing things that are kind of important. I shouldn’t just leave them lay around though...]
[center I don’t know why, but I kind of feel like cleaning today... Weird. I might actually do that though. Rearrange my room. Wish I could move the tv, but it’s wall mounted so... I really can’t, but I want to. Hmm... If I could figure out how to get it off the wall mount I could move it... Hmm.]
[center It got so loud in my room. It was frustrating. I could barely hear myself think. I couldn’t really focus and had trouble hearing you. I have a feeling it’ll be that way tonight.
No I didn’t lay down when you did. I knew it would be pointless. So I took the time to read instead. Yeah yeah... bad idea I know. I have trouble falling asleep without you. Plus my mind constantly thinking.
You were right yesterday morning. When you asked if I had been thinking and that’s why I had trouble sleeping. My mind constantly runs if I’m not careful. Too much thought into things and doubts are free to roam. I spend time reasoning with myself for these doubts to go away. I tell myself solutions to try and make myself feel more at ease.
It’s funny when you started talking to me today about your appearance. That conversation for some reason caught me off guard. It sat in my mind leaving me to think about it. This may be cruel but I won’t put in my journal what I wanted to say... I also won’t talk about what kept me up the other night in here either. In a way I’m doing this for myself. I can’t hope to keep running here. So even though it’s hard and I’m afraid of things changing or me saying things wrong... I would rather talk about it.]
[center Gabe finally spoke to me today, but I don’t know that it means anything honestly.
Anyway that’s not what I’m in here for. You see there is a few things I have finally decided on. This morning after you went to sleep I was left with time to think. Honestly I had thought the pain was gone. I thought I was numb to everything that dealt with my dad, but honestly I wasn’t. I was broken. I wonder if the other part of the story was really something I wanted to know. I contemplated it a lot.
What had this new information given me. Six years... Six long years of me hating my life and wishing that I could end it in some way. It’ll be a year soon. A year since it all finally stopped. With only so many knowing the truth and some not knowing at all... It is disappointing...
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to break what Gabe sees in dad. I’m weak. I don’t want to leave behind havoc. A part of me only wishes I could be more forgiving, but I can’t. There is no forgive and forget for me. I can’t forget. I can’t help the dark thoughts that swarm my mind when I think how long it went on.
What hurts even more is it being seen in a different light. I could change that. I could tell Gabe the truth. I could confront dad and finally snap. Tell him the truth of it all, but... No. I am not that strong. I fear what my words would bring. I’m scared of what the truth would cause. So I hide away from it not caring how I am viewed.
Maybe I am fucking fickle. Maybe I was too weak... but I do know that I wouldn’t have wanted this. I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I was broken. Defeated. To shocked to say no. I am still weak, but I won’t deal with this anymore. Never again.]
[center It is funny. Anymore I don’t know where to begin. I always feel like I’m hurting. No not completely. Not everyday I know that, but small things get to me. They slip inside my mind and then I find myself unable to shake them.
I’m suppose to talk with mom tomorrow. I only know she wants to talk about you and me... That she has concerns. I don’t know what to say or do. I’m not being given any information about what it is. I’m going to be put on the spot again. I don’t know how to answer everything. I don’t have answers for everything.
I don’t know what to say or do anymore. Other than I’m doing this and I’ll fucking figure it out I guess. No ones giving me direction just thoughts. I understand. I fucking know okay. I get it. It can be dangerous. I already know. I know a lot of things and each thing hurts the more I have to put thought into it.
I honestly don’t like sitting and thinking on it too long because it puts me right back in a place like this where I’m not fucking okay. Instead a part of me is falling into pieces and I can’t pick them up and put them back together enough to remain strong. I’m weak. I cry over everything. I break apart because there’s nothing else I can do. Doubts tend to cloud my mind and try to prepare me to defend myself.
I don’t know what defending myself will do... Cry now and then cry and be hurt even more later..? Yeah that’s defeating the fucking purpose. I haven’t spoken to anyone. Told them these thoughts. I keep them so deeply buried and under wraps. I can’t keep asking to be consoled to be told that it’s fine. That I’m the only one.
Every time I break like this... It leads to releasing all those thoughts that were once at bay. Thoughts that were so easily dismissed.
I know I am young still. I know I am a girl that puts too much emotion into her relationships. I love too deeply. Too obsessively. I chase people that hurt me in the end. I have learned a lot and I know what I’m doing here. I haven’t thrown all caution to the wind. I worry every fucking day that this could end up bad. That I could end up hurt... So why am I still here..?
Remember mom how we talked today..? I said that it was like fate for you to find that puppy... Well right here... I believe it is fate that made me talk to him that day. It is fate that I dealt with things that I normally would have ran away from. It is fate telling me to go with him in the end.
Maybe I’m wrong, but what’s funny is... I don’t feel wrong. I feel like I’m making a right connection. You realize that Lennon and Sera kept me here. I would have never ever wished death on them. They were my babies... but with them around I would never be able to leave. I would stay home with them forever.
Even though it’s terrible to say... I felt like loosing them is what brought me to this point. They were all that held me here. I wish every day they were back even if it was just to shackle me back down... I feel I’ve been given a chance though and honestly I feel that chance is to go with him. To be with him.
Maybe I am hopelessly and madly in love. Over my head. Maybe I’m going to make mistakes, but honestly I don’t care. I have always been doubtful and untrusting. No matter who it is. I’ve never had such thoughts that I didn’t follow through with asking about. Yes I do have my doubts. The ones I get that I won’t voice because for me I don’t think it honestly helps. I think it just makes me seem untrusting.
When I get these thoughts I always feel somewhere deep down that I am wrong...
I feel bad. He went to sleep tonight knowing I would again fall apart alone... That shouldn’t have to weigh on his mind. I wish I could do this better. Tell him things so he doesn’t have to worry. Hell I wish I could just tell him normal romantic stuff without freeing up.
I can’t though. I am a coward. Fearful to be that way with him because I can not shake the doubts that sometimes haunt my mind. I make promises to him all the time and I mean them all as I am sure he means his.
As time passes and it comes the time that he will be here I worry. I try harder and harder to see myself in a better light but I can’t. I fear I will never live up to anything. I won’t end up being good enough. There’s so much more than that, but as I calm down from writing all of this... It all recedes to the back of my mind. Back locked up and in its place until something forced it open.
I really missed him today. With everything on my mind I just wanted to spend my time with him. Tyler kept distracting me and it wasn’t too long before he told me he was tired. I don’t mind him sleeping. Most of the time I go to sleep with him, but tonight I wasn’t ready for it yet. No this isn’t what brought me down. What brought me down was everything I had not been thinking about until that moment. The silence sunk in and everything I had let go throughout the day cane up... and then thoughts that I keep pushed back.
Once I break down everything comes to the surface. I am unreasonable and at times completely difficult to deal with. I rather hurt alone instead of letting myself be calmed by him... Because I always think one thing will drive him away.
I will put this to rest now. I tire and this is way too long. I’ve calmed down. I’ll put a movie on for background noise and unmute my phone...
I don’t care about spelling errors. This wasn’t written to be fancy or sweet. This was written from a mind full of thoughts. A mind trying to get everything out even if it’s messy.]
[center Currently Watching on my own
My hero Academia subbed season 3 episode 1
Avatar season 1 episode 4
Soul Eater subbed season 1 episode 25]
[center [size10 Will try to keep this updated for my sake... Let’s admit it though... I’ll forget >_>]]
[center I understand that I isolate myself in my room. I understand that I’m fucking a lot of things up. I don’t need it put so roughly in my face. I expected it from Zach, but it’s sad when he was softer than Gabe. Nicer than Gabe.
I am bad at managing my time and when my time isn’t considered as everyone’s it is hard to divide it even further. I hope mom still wants to talk tomorrow, but today I am just done. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. My own curiosity got me here. I got informed I cry too much.
Fuck you. Honestly at least I have some fucking emotions left even if they are ones of me being upset half the time. I’m sorry I couldn’t take what you said well. I can’t believe you would say something like that to me.
“It doesn’t matter you’ll be gone in six months anyway...”
Whatever. I honestly don’t care how you think anymore. It seems you only aim to hurt me. I’m not surprised. You think you are so high and mighty... You’re not. You will regret those words someday.
Talking to me like that makes me not want to do any better. It makes me not want to try. Honestly it just makes me want to withdraw even further. There’s no point in bothering. If that’s how you see it then that’s how it’ll be.
You know I always hated March. Nothing ever goes right this month. My own birth month is practically cursed to me. I was wondering what this bad feeling was. This feeling that sits on me like this. Well turns out it’s family strife. No fucking surprise there... Honestly I don’t know what I should be doing right now...
I want to talk to my puppy but not when I’m breaking like this. Not when everything hurts to think about. I’ll calm myself down and then maybe just maybe I’ll be able to talk to him normally.]
[center It has been a good day. I want to start out with this before I say what I am going to next.
So let me start with something trivial. I hate shaving. I hate it a lot more now than I ever did as an teenager. I had to switch blades today because my good one needs replaced. The one I’m using today cut the hell out of my legs and thighs. So annoying. It hurts too, but I’m a baby though so >_> there’s that. This is so small though. Barely even worth complaining about, but I wanted to so here it is.
Now this thing is kind of small, but it’s big I guess for me. Mom and dad have talked about getting a new puppy... I thought it was just talk. Turns out they have actually been looking. They found one that looks exactly as Lennon did as a puppy... I wish I could explain how I felt. You should never get a pet to replace one you lost.
You should get a pet because you want another. As a pet owner myself I don’t think I would go looking for one that looked just like the one that passed away. I don’t think I could do that. Getting a pet to replace another is just... Giving that pet really big shoes to fill. That would be like me saying I got a kitten that looked just like Sera because I wanted sera back.
That kitten would never be her. The personality would be different. Right now even though it’s been awhile... Even thinking of a puppy that looks like Lennon being put in this house hurts so much. Maybe it shouldn’t matter to me. It won’t be my dog. Besides I won’t be here long anyway... So what’s the point in worrying.
All I know was that looking at that little puppy’s picture today I only felt aching. I don’t want another puppy that looks like Lennon. I want Lennon himself. How long until this hurt finally ends..? When can I look at their pictures... Lennon and Sera’s and not fall apart or break down. Sera is all over my phone. She’s both wallpapers because I can’t change them for some reason and Lennon... Lennon’s traces are still everywhere.
Maybe I was coming to terms with it. Maybe this new feeling of longing and sadness is just because the wounds that were slowly healing have been freshly ripped open. Hopefully all of this will pass and I will feel better. They’ve been gone for far too long now for me to still be breaking down over something as small as a new puppy.]
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.