He kept his eyes focused on Tadashi as he remained still, his voice dry and stiff as he responded to Hiro's statement. Maybe 'mad' wasn't the correct emotion to use but, if he had to put it in a general sense then 'not pleased' would be better. Sharing a space with his little brother was probably the last thing he wanted right now but, unfortunately, it was reality. The apartment was rather small and there weren't a lot of other places to go. This meant he'd be stuck seeing the little brother he wasn't happy with for a while longer yet.
Hiro pushed himself up from the chair after a while, setting the empty cup down on the desk, and moved to his side of the screen to change his clothes. The cold air made him shiver, even though it didn't seem to bother Tadashi a bit, and quickly dressed in order to warm up again. The familiar hoodie was put on and zipped up, then he put his shoes on and stepped out again.
[+red "Unhappy, displeased, upset...take your pick,"] he responded softly. [+red "Either way, you probably don't want me around. So I'll go. But please eat something tonight."]
The silence was stale, crawling under his skin and making the room seem intimidating. He was thankful the window was still open. It gave the illusion to him that he had the option to escape if necessary. Damn psychology knowledge rising from the ashes again.
Then Hiro spoke, quietly from his corner, reminding him of things he already knew but informing him of ideas that his brother had wrong. [#424ef4 “I’m not mad at you,”] he replied dryly, getting that out of the way. [#424ef4 “I just don’t want to eat right now.”] He wasn’t hungry so he didn’t think it’d be worth the time to move from his stiff sleeping position.
He watched the steam rise out of the cup, slowly getting thinner as the drink started to cool. It was interesting how science worked. If it weren’t for science, he’d surely have died that day and then Hiro would be free to do as he pleased without having the pressures of a useless brother hounding him about the dangers of stupid things like bot fighting. That’s what all this was about right?
Hiro looked over at his brother's form that still remained curled up on his bed, the chocolate eyes that matched his own open and looking at....who knew what. It certainly wasn't at his brother. He leaned further back into the chair, turning it a bit in order to pick up his own cup that he had filled, and took a small drink. The rift seemed to be growing larger and, each time it did, took a piece of Hiro with it. He wanted to go over there and hug Tadashi, to reassure him that things would get better, but he couldn't. His brother probably didn't want to see him anyway.
He allowed his head to rest back a bit, Hiro staring at the ceiling as he struggled with what to do next. He wanted to talk it all out with him and see if things could be fixed but he needed the other party to be willing to participate. He wasn't sure if he would and being pushed away again wasn't something Hiro felt he could handle. He loved and looked up to Tadashi, he never would have gotten as far as he did in life if it weren't for him. This unbearable silence, though, made him want to take a vacation away from his troubles for a few days.
Unfortunately he didn't have anywhere else to go.
The bright eyes gazed back at Tadashi once more, Hiro wondering why he was refusing to eat. He could hear Cass while he was in the garage last night and she was mumbling about his lack of eating habit. Did this start for a specific reason or was his big brother being stubborn? Hiro was fully aware of the damage not eating could cause on one's system as he was currently experiencing it on his own. Tadashi couldn't afford not to take care of himself right now, especially if he wanted to recover.
[+red "I know you're mad at me but this isn't going to help you with recovery,"] Hiro responded quietly. [+red "Apparently you didn't eat last night either, you're gong to start feeling pretty crappy soon."]
The eldest Hamada let his heart fall in his chest as he heard Hiro get up and leave the room again without saying a word. His frown deepened, caving into himself. It was unbearable to wait. Wait for things to change, to get better, to heal... Laying still made everything feel like an eternity and soon the cloudy weather became a light rain drizzle. This felt worse than being surrounded by white walls and beeping machines.
What didn’t he take last night? Pain reliever, muscle relaxer, mood stabilizer? He was sure he was forgetting two but didn’t think missing a day would be such a big deal. He deserved this. It only made sense that way.
The door opened and closed again, unsure how much time had actually passed. Hiro walked back in, looking thin and smaller than usual, and approached his side of the room. Tadashi instantly felt his heartbeat increase, over-preparing for the unknown action that made him pull back slightly when his brother put down the cup on the cluttered bedside table. He filled it and then left him alone again.
Tadashi wanted vaguely to respond but his tongue felt heavy, as if it was the wrong thing to do. What should he say? How should he say it? Should he drink the liquid steaming of warmth and comfort? No. [i No.]
[#424ef4 “I don’t want it,”] he muttered, realizing how dry his mouth felt. [#424ef4 “Don’t bother.”] [i Don’t say anything else. He doesn’t want to hear it. He’s still angry with you.]
The boy's small frame dropped onto the bed, pulling the blankets over him as the room had gotten a little chilly. Apparently Tadashi had opened his window, more than likely experiencing the fever again from stress, and needed a way to cool down. The spring air was great in the day time but still rather cold during the night; Hiro was surprised he didn't see icicles forming on the ceiling. It felt as if he were sleeping in the fridge. He chose not to say anything for multiple reasons, instead pulling the blankets higher to his chin and curling up a bit underneath them.
As expected, he found it difficult to sleep. Tadashi's words refused to leave his brain and seemed to echo more loudly in the silence. The feeling of abandonment wouldn't go away and sat heavily on his chest the more he thought about it. Earlier he had promised his brother that, no matter what, he'd always be there to help or listen, whatever Tadashi needed. He still wanted to uphold that promise but, with the way his brother spoke to him earlier, didn't know if that was what Tadashi wanted. Maybe this really was their lives now and they'd only speak during small talk and go about their days separately.
That thought caused an uncomfortable groan to fall from his chest and his heart to actually ache.
Hiro had tried on and off during the night to get some actual sleep, only succeeding in gaining a few hours. It was another uncomfortable night for him which meant he would most likely crash again in the late morning and need to take another nap. Thankfully he didn't have anything else to do and had the time to spare. Quietly he pushed himself up and let the blankets fall, a shiver running over him in the process followed by a soft sniffle. Damn, it was cold in here. Was Tadashi trying to give himself hypothermia, too? Hiro crawled out of bed and, instead of closing the window, headed downstairs to the empty kitchen. Cass was awake but hadn't made her way down yet, he could hear her as she moved in her room above him. No doubt she'd be making breakfast soon and they would go through their usual song and dance: Hiro would take a couple of bites and be done with it then Cass would frown and state how worried she was. It was their new norm.
He heated up some water which made its way into a large thermos, Hiro dropping some tea bags, milk, and sugar into it after. Two cups were removed from the cabinet, Hiro taking them and the tea back up to their shared room and closed the door quietly after. A glance over to his brother's side told him he was wake, he had caught the slight movement of his eyes. Silently he moved over to Tadashi's night stand and set a cup down, filling it with tea before going back to his side of the room and setting the remaining items down on the desk.
[+red "Aunt Cass is up and will probably have breakfast done in an hour,"] he informed his brother quietly. Hiro didn't know why he was telling Tadashi this, he fully expected to be ignored. Carefully he poured some of the tea into his cup and dropped down into the desk chair as he capped the thermos and set it down on the sturdy surface. [+red "I'll bring you up a plate."]
9:00pm was when Baymax activated for his nightly reminder of medication. Tadashi declined, having no interest to be forced to sleep tonight. As programmed, Baymax went over the list of side effects of not taking the proper medicines could have on the body, mental health and sleep patterns. [#424ef4 “Yes, I’m fully aware of what I’m doing.”] He felt that his brain was working like a machine and he didn’t want to slow this flow. The robot deactivated after some time of being ignored, Tadashi’s work turning into cleaner and more efficient blueprints.
The door opened again, this time Hiro walking in. Tadashi froze for just a moment, waiting till his brother passed his section of the room and climbed into bed. He wanted so bad for everything to go back to normal. With a deep breath, he plugged in his headphones and continued to collaborate.
One schematic turned into two, then three, four... Tadashi’s strong suit was robotic coding and GoGo’s mechanic refinement. He got it to function, she got it to function better. At 3:32am, she messaged him: [i Your genius is showing] and sent him the final draft. He had never created something so quickly in his life. Sure, this product was going to take weeks of alterations but it was functionable enough to start to create.
GoGo328: [i I’ll start the 3D printing process. Get some sleep.]
RoboNerd2: [i Text me when it’s finished.]
The eldest Hamada turned off the tablet, immediately draped in darkness. He looked out the still open window, out onto the streetside. Just over the edge of the buildings across the street, he could see the starry night lingering out of reach. Almost there...
[i “Tadashi, no!”]
He was inside again. Everything was hot and uncomfortable. Tadashi had his eyes shut and he pushed himself closer to the wall, knowing that he was not going to escape this time. He could feel the heat creeping closer, thinking about the words Hiro had said. [i “Even if it may be unpleasant for us, I want you to tell me- I’m not going to give up on you, either.”]
Tadashi opened his eyes, staring at the side of the pale divider. He pursed his lips, letting the anxiety flow through and holding onto the crumpled sheets till he was grounded back to reality which seemed like forever. The room was barely visible in the dim light, the world outside in a gloomy overcast. It even made the room chillier but he didn’t feel like moving to close the window.
Everything hurt today from his fingertips to his feet. The skin felt raw and the sweat made him clammy. He must have looked like a total mess curled up on that stupid bed. A rare thought, but he wished he and Hiro didn’t share the same room. There was a movement from the other side, Tadashi looking up to stare at the divider almost longingly. He wanted to apologize again but couldn’t make up the courage to do anything more then lay there. Was Hiro’s promise even still there?
Before he knew it the garage was cleaned and Hiro was left alone with his thoughts again...and all he could think about was Tadashi. Slowly his hoodie was pulled tighter around him, the small form sinking back further into the chair, and let his eyes stop on one of the robot schematics hanging on the wall. He remembered working on this with his brother, the first bot he ever made, and found himself dwelling on that experience. Tadashi had patiently walked him through it and observed as Hiro tried to do things on his own. He was kind in his manners as he explained the basics to him, helping him fix his mistakes. It had taken weeks but Hiro's first bot had successfully moved, the feeling of pride pushing him to pursue this subject further.
Tadashi was the reason he was as skilled as he was now.
He finally pulled his eyes away from it, sitting up a bit to reach over and pull over one of his discarded bots. He hadn't been able to get the controls right on it and perhaps now was as good a time as any to try to fix it. It weren't as if he had anything else to do.
Hiro had lost track of time again while working on his project, letting out a quiet sigh when he had finally finished. A glance to the clock on the wall confirmed that he had been out there for quite some time, the hands on the flat surface displaying 10pm. He had been procrastinating going back into his room just as he first did when his brother had his accident, not yet ready to face it. Part of him expected his brother to be silent and not acknowledge his presence which he would rightfully deserve. He had been stupid and said something he fully regretted, not to mention the injured shoulder that caused this half of the mess in the first place. If Tadashi didn't ignore him then he may be angry which Hiro felt he deserved as well. Either way he was in for a painful experience and he may as well get it over with.
Maybe it wasn't too late to sleep on the couch.
Hiro pushed himself up and headed into the apartment, quietly making his way up the stairs and into the shared room. Tadashi seemed to be busy, his tablet lit brightly in the dark room, and the smaller Hamada chose not to disturb him or engage. He made his way over to his dresser, changing into his pajamas. Sleeping wasn't something he wanted to do but knew he was about to crash sooner or later, especially since he had been out all night previously. Another glance at his brother's side of the room was stolen before he went over his bed and slowly pulled the blankets back.
Hours. It had been hours.
The room had steadily become darker and a few degrees colder. Tadashi found himself on the floor beside the bed, curling up as tight as he could without the pain becoming unbearable. His eyes were dry, his mood felt dark. Hiro wasn’t coming back. Not after what he said. Why would his brother need him anymore? He would let him down.
The same toxic thoughts seemed to swirl around his head, making him tired and numb. He was grateful that his bottled emotions finally spilled out to empty but he didn’t like being alone. Not anymore.
Red rimmed eyes looked over to the bedside table where the tablet lay. With the strength left, he pulled himself up, painfully slowly, and turned on the device. Tadashi ran his fingers through his dirty hair as he opened up a new schematic document and instantly got to work. He wouldn’t say he was feeling [i inspired]... more like hatefully determined. He didn’t want to live like this. He didn’t want to wake up one day and want all this life to end. He wanted Hiro and Aunt Cass to depend on him like they used to. He wanted to feel like his old self.
The next time he glanced at the clock, it was nearly eight-thirty and there was a knock on the door. Tadashi didn’t look up as Aunt Cass peaked in, asking gently if he was hungry. While he knew in the back of his mind that she was just trying to be helpful, he found it unnecessarily annoying. [#424ef4 “I’m not,”] he replied simply and she didn’t push it.
There had been once or twice that he and Cass had gotten into a fight. They were few and far between but when it happened, unfortunately, Tadashi’s case was always stronger. Downfall of having a big brain.
She closed the door, leaving him in the dark again to continue his work on the prototype helper legs he was drawing up. He messaged GoGo with some ideas and gladly she helpful and encouraging. Not that he would have cared either way. Once he had sent the first test to GoGo, he waited for her notes by occupying his time with Professor Callaghan’s murder. That kabuki mask villain must have been there or been part of the school. A student? A teacher?
At least this was all keeping him from thinking about Hiro... And the crappy big brother he had suddenly became. [i What would Mom and Dad have done?]
Time had been lost since Hiro made himself comfortable at the top of the stairs, not aware if mere minutes or hours had passed. Was it even important right now? He felt as if he had truly lost his brother, like if he were to turn around and re enter the room that it would be empty...just like it was when Tadashi was gone. It felt as if this was finally the rift in their relationship, the wedge that would shove them onto two separate paths. It hurt Hiro to think that way and made him incredibly uncomfortable but he couldn't shove the thought out of his head.
What was he supposed to do now?
His first reaction was to run to Tadashi to talk about it, that thought causing more tears to well in the deep chocolate eyes. Those days were probably over, too, as it seemed the older Hamada was trying to distance himself from him. Or at least that's how it felt. Hiro didn't have another plan of action which left him sitting at the top of the staircase for a little while longer; when he finally had no more tears to shed he wiped his face dry on his hoodie sleeve and slowly pushed himself to stand up.
Hiro's footsteps were quiet as he made his way downstairs and through the cafe, ignoring his aunt's inquiry of dinner suggestions. The last thing he felt like doing was eating, his stomach was still messed up from his depressive episodes and now he had this to add to it. He continued through the crowded room to the garage door, opening and closing it quietly once he was through. This room hurt a bit to look at as well since he and Tadashi had done a lot of the microbot work here, but it wasn't as painful as being upstairs. His small frame dropped into the computer chair, deep and sad eyes looking over the schematics that were still spread out on the work surface. Quietly he began to clean it up and organize, choosing to stay out there well past dark.
It was better this way.
It felt like his heart had fallen into his stomach. The heaviness in his chest returned and this time, more intense then he was prepared for. Hiro left with the words that made him cringe. That his brother had to resort to illegal activity for the false bravery he displayed on that night to pay for the medical bills that almost put their family into permanent debt.
The door closed behind Hiro and Tadashi felt himself crumple up. The room feeling bigger, empty, threatening. [i Breathe.] He let himself lean forward and the tears spilled over... onto his bandages, onto his lap, onto his rotten skin.
[i Idiot. Idiot. How could you let it get like this? This is all your fault. Why did you run? Why didn’t you think? Why are you even still here causing so much trouble?]
[i Breathe. It’s okay.]
[i It’s NOT okay. Nothing is ever going to be okay. Not when you’re like this. Why don’t you just stop? Why even breathe? Why?]
His muscles started to ache, tightening tighter with every second he was hunched over. Tadashi stared through the moisture in his eyes at the wooden floor, waiting for the shaking to stop. Waiting for the thoughts to stop. Waiting for his body to stop reacting to the idea of being on [i fire].
But it was hot. It always felt too damn hot. The sweat rolled down his neck and his hair started to stick. He needed to cool down. He needed to feel safe.
This thought gave Tadashi a sort of energy boost, making his arms move to lift him off the bed and turn towards the window. There wasn’t much space between him and fresh air and he thought if he could get all this shit off his bed, off the window sill... He won’t be stuck in this burning building anymore.
Tadashi’s head pounded and for moments he was dizzy but his sweaty fingers managed to knock everything out of his path so that he could get to the latches of the window. He pulled but it was stuck from years of dust and grime. He felt himself rise into a steady panic. He pulled harder until the damn thing finally released, opening up the room to worldly sounds and sunlight. He took in deep breaths, pushing his head out and feeling the small breeze touch his face. One hand steadied him on the window frame as he looked down, seeing the sidewalk and street a floor down. [i It’s okay. It’s okay. The world isn’t on fire...]
He pulled back just enough to curl up beside the window and cry.
It was a relief to know he didn't actually break anything, saving himself a massive bill of having to get casted and then physical therapy afterwards. He could take it easy, at least that's what he kept telling himself. He could be careful and make sure he didn't over do things which would allow his shoulder ample time to heal. Hiro carefully pulled his shirt back on to stop the cool air from hitting his chest, being sure not to jostle his shoulder too much, and lightly folded his arms over his chest.
Tadashi's next words were more painful than his shoulder.
Hiro didn't want to admit it but he knew Tadashi's days of chasing after his brother to save him from his stupid decisions were over the moment he saw him in that hospital bed. Deep down he knew he would never see him outside of another fight, waiting to take him home and tell him how much of an idiot he was during the ride. There would be no more rough housing or goofing off like they used to. Hiro was aware of all of these things but hearing Tadashi admit it was more painful than anything he had ever experienced. It almost felt like he was losing his brother all over again.
The smaller Hamada averted his gaze as his arms tightened over his chest, the soft skin turning white in places where his fingers dug into it. The back of his eyes burned as tears threatened to form, Hiro forcing them back as much as he could. Did this mean that Tadashi had finally thrown in the towel, that he was giving up? Or was this his painful way of telling his kid brother that he needed to finally grow up? Whatever it was, it hurt like hell.
[+red "...Fine..."] The word came out softer than he would have liked as his voice began to crack, Hiro refusing to allow his emotions to start pouring out of him. Not right now. If this was Tadashi trying to tell him to grow up then he refused to start crying. Not here. Hiro turned and headed back to his desk, picking up his hoodie and slowly pulling it on. He needed to be alone right now and his brother probably did, too. He also grabbed a small mass of papers from the corner of his desk, folding them up more as he shoved them into his pocket.
[+red "I made enough money last night to pay off most of the hospital bill, sent the check in this morning"] he told him quietly as he made his way to the door. He still couldn't look at him, mostly because his surroundings were becoming blurry. A small hand opened the door before his matching frame disappeared behind it and it closed again. The hall was quiet, a good place to finally let his tears fall. Hiro sat at the top of the stairs, leaning against the wall as he finally let them go and allowed his eyes to close.
Focusing seemed more like a fight then it should have been. Tadashi watched as Hiro exposed the ugly bruise that reached across his shoulder and up to the neck. He tilted his head, studying the patterns and swelling. [i The clavicle most definitely.] He lifted the left arm slowly, testing the pain receptors and the way the shoulder reacted to the movement. [i Not broken, but possibly a fracture.] He lifted his cold fingers to trace along the edge of the bone, noting the effect it had on its host. [i Any more force and the person who did this would have snapped it. That’s what you get for being a hero, Tadashi. That’s what you-]
[#424ef4 “It’s not broken,”] he muttered, pulling his hands away. [#424ef4 “But you really shouldn’t over do it. You know, for example, like you did by running away from killer microbots while wheeling your crippled brother to safety.”]
Tadashi had to find a way to make things better. Sitting here and letting his brother wheel him around was not going to cut it. [i Now there’s the bot fighting.]
[#424ef4 “Look Hiro,”] he sighed, rubbing his temples as a headache arose once more. [#424ef4 “I can’t protect you anymore.”] He felt sick just saying it. Like he was admitting that he was letting Hiro down and that he would continue to do so. [#424ef4 “I can’t stop you from going. I can’t follow you to make sure you’re safe and one day you’ll need to see a real doctor.”]
Tadashi could feel the tears starting to surface but tried his damn hardest to blink them away. This was no time to be crying. He could do that when he was alone. [#424ef4 “I just want you to know that you are solely responsible for your decisions. My last try of getting you out of that habit died when that auditorium was destroyed.”]
[i Breathe. Don’t go back there. Don’t go back there. Stay in the room. Stay in the room. It's okay.]
The longer Tadashi remained still, the more nervous Hiro became. Was this it? Was this the day that his brother finally lost his marbles or did Hiro's actions finally break him? It wasn't his goal to make Tadashi's life harder nor did he want to see him so frustrated like this, he was only trying to make his own life more interesting and give himself something to focus on. Unfortunately this time it came at a price: his brother's sanity and his own shoulder.
It felt like ages before Tadashi straightened up a bit and motioned for Hiro to come over to him. Slowly Hiro complied, pushing himself to his feet and quietly heading over to stand beside his brother. He could see how thrilled Tadashi was by this idea, those deep brown eyes holding a plethora of negative emotions. He could see the disappointment the most, the one that hit Hiro the hardest. There was no worse feeling than disappointing someone, especially when they were the person you loved the most. It made him want to hug Tadashi, to try to fix it, but he knew better.
There wasn't a lot that could be fixed these days.
Carefully Hiro removed his shirt, his hoodie already discarded at his desk chair, and lightly dropped it on the edge of Tadashi's bed. The cold air against his warm skin caused a faint shiver, Hiro rubbing his arms briefly in response. The bruising was heaviest on the top of his shoulder and became lighter as it made its way to his neck. The area with the heaviest bruise was a bit swollen and clear that it was bothering the smaller Hamada even if it hid it well. It was difficult for him to lift his arm more than a few inches; all the signs of a fractured clavicle were present. Luckily it wasn't too bad of a fracture and would heal as long as he didn't over do it.
The most painful part? Knowing how upset Tadashi was with him.
[i Breathe. Don’t stress. You don’t want to get another fever because you can’t handle your stupid emotions. Act like a responsible adult.]
Tadashi didn’t move as he listened, not wanting to pull his eyes out of the darkness of his cool hands. It oddly seemed to help control the thought process of registering the new information he had to deal with. What was he going to do? Let Hiro get away with? Let him destroy his life and maybe one day he’ll never come back?
He felt his heartbeat quicken, hoping that Hiro couldn’t hear it from across the room. [i Don’t think about that. Stay in the moment.]
The elder Hamada pulled his head out of his hands and slowly looked over at Hiro on the bed. His brother wanted him to keep the secret as he always had. He didn’t know what to say that didn’t sound absolutely ugly. Hiro was still a kid with a genius mind. Oh how he wished he was older so he could be straight and real. So he could tell him how stupid the whole thing was. How he tried to get Hiro out of that life and if it weren’t for that stupid fire, [i none of this would be happening!]
He tightened his jaw and took in a deep breath, really wishing he was alone to exert all these excess frustrations- sadness- whatever it was he was feeling. Without much more being said, Tadashi gestured Hiro to come closer and stand in front of him so he could look at the injury. [i Rather shove your head in a blender then see another doctors bill... Did I..?]
[#424ef4 “Take off your hoodie and shirt, Hiro,”] he muttered.
Movement from the corner of his eye caused Hiro's gaze to shift, watching as Tadashi buried his face into his hands. It was a better outcome than what he was anticipating but he could still hear how unhappy his brother was, and he had a right to be so. Ever since the smaller Hamada had stumbled across it on the internet, Tadashi had fought tooth and nail to keep him away from it with no avail. At first it was just a nice rush for him, almost like a drug, but then he realized how easy it was and how much money he could make. All it took was the right bot.
Once he perfected his fighter, every match came so easy to him and people stopped going up against him. Why would they? His opponents were aware they'd lose a lot of cash with a crushing defeat. It was at that point Hiro decided to try more deceptive tactics and start branching out into fight clubs that he hadn't been to before. Once the defeated realized they had been swindled by a fourteen year old, they became pretty pissed and quite aggressive. Unfortunately that was what had Hiro in the position he was in.
[+red "It's, uh, going I guess,"] Hiro answered softly. His hand still absently rubbed at the large bruise, pausing a moment as he hit a particularly sore spot. He remained pretty quiet about it although the discomfort registered on his face briefly. [+red "Gives me something productive to do when I can't sleep."]
He paused a moment, letting his hand fall into his lap and to adjust his weight on the bed. Hiro wanted to go over to Tadashi, just like old times, and sit on his bed while the older Hamada told him how much of an idiot he was and how he could be doing so much better than he was now. He couldn't help but wonder if they would ever go back to that or if this was how the rest of their lives would be.
He hoped not, he still loved Tadashi with ever fiber of his being.
[+red "I was leaving the fight last night and some guy caught me and shoved me in a wall, my shoulder connected first,"] he admitted, keeping his voice low. [+red "It hurts a bit and the bruising has me concerned. I'd tell Aunt Cass but I don't want her to have an aneurysm over this and I'd rather shove my head in a blender before I add another doctor bill to this mess. Can you....just make sure it's not broken?"]
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