A place for my muses to vent, and stuff.
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[Philosopher [right [size20 Weston Rigbee]
[right March 14,2019]]
[Cousine shit. What did I do? I fucked up. I fucked up hard. This is all too complicated. One thing lead to the other. I pinned it on Houston who snitched on me. Then I pinned it on Houston trying to pin it on me. But Mitch saw me with them. The cops were coming. I saw the way he was looking at everything. He wanted them. He wanted a taste. I know that look. I had that look. I was going to quench that look if Mitchell didn't run into me. Fuck I am so dead. Mitch won't snitch though. He will take the fall. I think I have to let him. Fuck. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to... Im going to. It's killing me. It's killing I him I need to fix this. But I can't think with out them.
Fuck it I am the disappointment anyways right? Right.
I am done trying. I will play by the old rules. Won't force you but won't stop you either. I can't do this. I need sleep. I need a drink, I need a hit, a pull, a anything really. I can't do what I'm supposed to with out doing what I'm not supposed to.
I don't know what to do. ]
[Philosopher [right [size20 Cody Phillips]
[right March 7,2019]]
Here I am. I am here, I am in a big sort of mess, but I am here. I don't know what to do. I miss my family. I miss my home. But I am here with someone who makes me unbelievably happy.
I watch the neighbor girl and her I think boyfriend maybe, a little disorientated but happy nonetheless.
As odd as this is, it is like I am being rewarded for being a liar, and a fraud. It feels wrong and I know I am guilty. But every time I look at that red hair, those eyes that guilt melts away for a moment. It pulls back like the tide of the waters of this shore that greets me every morning.
I am so lost but so free. I worry for my family though. I wonder about them and my friends, but it's only in the times I find myself alone even if it is just for a moment.
I was set free, but given no instructions on what to do. I am so conflicted. I am happy but I know I shouldn't be. Is that wrong? To be happy even though you know you are guilty?
[Philosopher [right [size20 Mitchell Rigbee]
[right March 3,2019]]
[Cousine I can't keep doing this, every time I turn around it is something.I see my father going through hell. I can't help but blame myself. I need something different. If I stay I hurt him. If I leave I hurt him. I don't know what to do besides sleep as much as I can for as long as I can. It is the only way not to hurt anyone. I can't say I want to die, because I don't necessarily want that. I just want to stop hurting people.
I've been hurting people since I was a kid. It's what I guess I am meant to do.
I had a conversation with a girl I could have really liked. Well It was more of me yelling at her because I don't know why. I didn't want to it's just how it came out. She left crying, and I woke up humiliated.
So yeah. I think I am just going to stay in bed. It's safer that way. A way to disappear without leaving.
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