Antique

/ By Rede [+Watch]

Replies: 45 / 165 days 21 hours 41 minutes 49 seconds

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"you just seem off"
I don't think you realize how damming that phrase is.

The moment your cord vibrate and your lips form the syllables
You condemn me.

You persecut for being anything other than giddy and beaming with light.
I am not a fucking rainbow. I am not all smiles and sunshine.

Fuck you. Everytime you utter that phrase I resent you a little more. Almost more than I did when I saw those messages to that fucking sick cunt Jamie. Almost more than the time before that when you were "hacked."
More than the time you accused me of sleeping with MY GAY best friend. I seem off. Ha. Fuck you.
Fuck you. And when I finally do decide to do what I need to do..
And you ask me why.
I will need to fight every fiber of my spiteful being from giving you that answer.
"I seemed off"

Oops lost it there a little didn't mean to get personal. But fuck it. I seem off.
  Rede / Rede / 112d 19h 40m 8s
This one here has absolutely no meaning. just want to test my picture things.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 112d 23h 35m 10s
Do this.
Why did you do this?

Don't do this
Why didn't you do this?

I need you to do this now.
I didn't want you to do this I wanted to do this

Keep the ship afloat.
Plug all the holes
steer the ship
manage the sails
keep the crew in line
while you are at it paint my quarters
sew some fancy clothes

dont you dare ask for help
because I am busy watching the seagulls in the sky.

Fire the cannons.
Why did you fire the cannons you should have just not fired the cannons.

Walk the plank.
Here are some concrete shoes.

Why isn't everything done?
Oh you are drowning?
Why? Stop that. I need you to do things I am too "busy" to do.
The Seagulls need to be watched. My seagulls are more important.
Stop drowning, keep the concrete shoes on, take care of everything.
Don't come up for air. I need you down there.
You can't do both at the same time?
Well figure it out, now.
I need to watch the seagulls.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 113d 4h 32m 11s
All out of cinnamon.[+white filler filler filler filler]
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 115d 51m 56s
It is in the best interest that I ask of you to hop off my dick.
Who is you? No idea. But hop off.

Normally, I will go about in some round about indirect way of admitting "Feelings" That is such a funny saying.

Seeing as I really true only have a small portion of that spectrum.
I cannot recall the last time I was "Happy" just only not angry/annoyed.
Its not even sadness I feel. it is frustration, anger, resentment..you get the gist.

you know how they say anger is poison? Yeah well I must have built up a tolerance to it, at least enough to keep my hands steady as my insides shake.

I know where it stems from. If given the time and effort I could boil myself down to those key words people like to use.
But I am not going to do that right now. Simply because my coffee is sitting here unopened as I wait for the latest of shaking, heart racing, repressed anger to bubble and boil inside of me to take my first sip.

I did notice. I both commend and condemn those who can so freely talk about their pasts. On one hand good for you for being able to talk about it I guess. But the other, when you use it as a crutch, or a tool to gain sympathy or praise it takes almost every fiber of my being to not disregard my social filter and tell you to suck it the fuck up. Everyone had a fucked up childhood, you're not special. I have told this to my mother-in-laws husband. I have told this to my Father, my mother, countless family members.

I know that is cold of me. I know not everyone has my code or way of thinking. Not everyone had the need to be the cold marble sentinel. Watching from the ledge making their presence known just enough to almost matter.

I know that. And that is why I have my filter. That is why I keep myself in the distant background.

I am not going to go on about shit I have learned from my past. Everyone has it. Why is my story special? Wanna know why? It's not. It just is. It happened, I learned, I created habits and images. Am I the poster child for emotional or mental stability? Absolutely not. When ever I am asked about myself, for the most part not always though. I am human and falter with my code sometimes. I redirect the conversation. It goes with the whole code thing. It feels weak and pathetic to talk about feelings. Its weird and disgusting. Feels wrong and dirty. So I avoid it.

Anyways this rant was pretty pointless. Don't know why I bothered to type it out. It is so early for thoughts and "Feeling". Am I reaching out for help,? Secretly hoping someone reads this and asked me about. Probably not. No. But then why type all of this and post it? I don't fucking know, it's too early to think things through and I felt a bit impulsive this morning. But whatever I think it is time to actually enjoy my auto pilot mode instead of fighting it. It is so much more quiet there.

-TLDR. I am in a mood.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 116d 6h 24m 39s
a contagion.
A cancer you can't cut out.
Fluid that builds and solidifies inside of you.
Rotting from the inside.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 118d 4h 54m 49s
Pried out and used as a weapon. That is the way of the land.

Melt into the stone sentinel, unburdened and silent.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 118d 5h 25m 53s
Don't dissect.
But she places on the table a fetal pig.
Dont dissect.
But there out in the open a perfect specimen to pick at and cut open.
Leave it at the door in this room.
I have been trying to leave it for decades anywhere but here.
Laid out and marked right out in front of me.
I don't want to dissect but it's unraveling itself before my eyes.
Ignore it? Let is boil?
A watch pot never boils.
What else to do but pick up the tools and dissect.
I am bad at following orders.
I made a bad solider. Shit. Another fetal pig.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 123d 16h 44m 45s
S[+white X]H[+white X]U[+white X]T[+white X][+white X]I[+white X]T[+white X][+white X]D[+white X]O[+white X]W[+white X]N


S[+white X]H[+white X]U[+white X]T[+white X][+white X]I[+white X]T[+white X][+white X]O[+white X]F[+white X]F
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 124d 5h 37m 15s
[center [pic https://i.imgur.com/JIyN7Dm.jpg?1]]
[+white I deserve to suffer, I don't deserve the quiet under water I crave. Peace is for those worthy. I didn't do anything worthy of solace.]
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 124d 5h 58m 58s
[+white Drip. drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.]
the path it makes. cold and warm and cold again.it calls me. do it dare?
[+white Drip. drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.]
The shores, the waves. The fog on a window, the bone chilling air
[+white Drip. drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.drip.]
[+white I think I may take you up on that dare. start that vicious cycle all over again. Sweet sticky iron. I long for you. but no matter here I come]

Perhaps not.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 125d 2h 2m 56s
Let the sweet suffocation begin.
Terrifying yet comforting.
Do I dare leave? Do I just accept my lot and live where I have made my bed?
Who knows? Who cares?
I'm not quite sure if I do.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 125d 6h 19m 38s
Such an odd silly little thing.
So dark, so twisted.
Beautiful by it's own means.
Syntax that'll never escape the slippery walls of the mind.
Enjoy the tomb of darkness.
it is where wonder happens.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 127d 3h 29m 44s
Here comes the...
and here i go to...
and I just...
K
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 133d 2m 54s
Tape, glue.
Sugar, butter, flour.
What am I even saying?
It's not even late and yet my mind is skating.
  ǝpǝᴚ / Rede / 140d 18h 34m 41s
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