[right [size12 Thank you five.
You don't have permission to post in this thread.
I have the tools for foolishness and stupidity on.
I need a solid reason not to.
yep. without a doubt I need a solid reason not to. because the reasons for are stacking high
I changed my mind. It does bother me.
Fuck you. I am going to stop this rant here before I get nasty and hurtful.
Go Fuck yourself.
[+white Why are you like this?
Silly stupid child.
All you want is more and more.
Never will be satisfied will you?
No you won't.
You are not needed and it kills you.
It twists and mangles your ego
Your sense of self.
If this was anyone else it would be amusing.
You... It is just pathetic.
Still] you are not alone.
[+white you have who you have.
For now. Until you undeniably drive them away.]
I will [+white sit and wait.
Smiling and] be here for you.
-the deep dark blue
I get it. I know my flaws. you don't need to point them out every chance you get.
I get it. I see it plain as day. I see it now. And I'm done.
[+white No. I'm done. I give up. I am done trying. I am done everything. Too much of a coward to do anything about it. To broken to drink. I guess I'll just sleep and just hope I don't wake up. Fingers crossed.]
[+white I deserve this I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.
Fuck. I fucking didn't this to myself. I deserve this. Fuck.
I deserve this.]
Smile sunshine. The world needs to be blinded by the light of your soul.
A sentinel is only needed when the shit starts piling up. Other than that. No one wants a cracked, marble statue.
No. I am not angry with you. I am just too exhausted to pretend.
I see right through you.
I am a master manipulator.
I see those who try to work in my trade.
I do not pity you.
I see you.
I do not stand behind you.
You may have everyone fooled.
I know it is the fire side talking.
But sweetheart I am smarter than you.
I could do your job. I don't want to.
I enjoy my stationary sedentary cube.
You dont like me because I see through you.
I dont like you because you think you are better than you are.
But I know how to play the game.
Honey, I am competitive. I won't stop until I win.
So go ahead run your mouth. "poor you, poor you"
I am just going to sit back and enjoy.
"you just seem off"
I don't think you realize how damming that phrase is.
The moment your cord vibrate and your lips form the syllables
You condemn me.
You persecut for being anything other than giddy and beaming with light.
I am not a fucking rainbow. I am not all smiles and sunshine.
Fuck you. Everytime you utter that phrase I resent you a little more. Almost more than I did when I saw those messages to that fucking sick cunt Jamie. Almost more than the time before that when you were "hacked."
More than the time you accused me of sleeping with MY GAY best friend. I seem off. Ha. Fuck you.
Fuck you. And when I finally do decide to do what I need to do..
And you ask me why.
I will need to fight every fiber of my spiteful being from giving you that answer.
"I seemed off"
Oops lost it there a little didn't mean to get personal. But fuck it. I seem off.
This one here has absolutely no meaning. just want to test my picture things.
Why did you do this?
Don't do this
Why didn't you do this?
I need you to do this now.
I didn't want you to do this I wanted to do this
Keep the ship afloat.
Plug all the holes
steer the ship
manage the sails
keep the crew in line
while you are at it paint my quarters
sew some fancy clothes
dont you dare ask for help
because I am busy watching the seagulls in the sky.
Fire the cannons.
Why did you fire the cannons you should have just not fired the cannons.
Walk the plank.
Here are some concrete shoes.
Why isn't everything done?
Oh you are drowning?
Why? Stop that. I need you to do things I am too "busy" to do.
The Seagulls need to be watched. My seagulls are more important.
Stop drowning, keep the concrete shoes on, take care of everything.
Don't come up for air. I need you down there.
You can't do both at the same time?
Well figure it out, now.
I need to watch the seagulls.
All out of cinnamon.[+white filler filler filler filler]
It is in the best interest that I ask of you to hop off my dick.
Who is you? No idea. But hop off.
Normally, I will go about in some round about indirect way of admitting "Feelings" That is such a funny saying.
Seeing as I really true only have a small portion of that spectrum.
I cannot recall the last time I was "Happy" just only not angry/annoyed.
Its not even sadness I feel. it is frustration, anger, resentment..you get the gist.
you know how they say anger is poison? Yeah well I must have built up a tolerance to it, at least enough to keep my hands steady as my insides shake.
I know where it stems from. If given the time and effort I could boil myself down to those key words people like to use.
But I am not going to do that right now. Simply because my coffee is sitting here unopened as I wait for the latest of shaking, heart racing, repressed anger to bubble and boil inside of me to take my first sip.
I did notice. I both commend and condemn those who can so freely talk about their pasts. On one hand good for you for being able to talk about it I guess. But the other, when you use it as a crutch, or a tool to gain sympathy or praise it takes almost every fiber of my being to not disregard my social filter and tell you to suck it the fuck up. Everyone had a fucked up childhood, you're not special. I have told this to my mother-in-laws husband. I have told this to my Father, my mother, countless family members.
I know that is cold of me. I know not everyone has my code or way of thinking. Not everyone had the need to be the cold marble sentinel. Watching from the ledge making their presence known just enough to almost matter.
I know that. And that is why I have my filter. That is why I keep myself in the distant background.
I am not going to go on about shit I have learned from my past. Everyone has it. Why is my story special? Wanna know why? It's not. It just is. It happened, I learned, I created habits and images. Am I the poster child for emotional or mental stability? Absolutely not. When ever I am asked about myself, for the most part not always though. I am human and falter with my code sometimes. I redirect the conversation. It goes with the whole code thing. It feels weak and pathetic to talk about feelings. Its weird and disgusting. Feels wrong and dirty. So I avoid it.
Anyways this rant was pretty pointless. Don't know why I bothered to type it out. It is so early for thoughts and "Feeling". Am I reaching out for help,? Secretly hoping someone reads this and asked me about. Probably not. No. But then why type all of this and post it? I don't fucking know, it's too early to think things through and I felt a bit impulsive this morning. But whatever I think it is time to actually enjoy my auto pilot mode instead of fighting it. It is so much more quiet there.
-TLDR. I am in a mood.
A cancer you can't cut out.
Fluid that builds and solidifies inside of you.
Rotting from the inside.
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