Karma is fuckin beautiful, isn't it?
AHAHHA I'm so happy rn
I met someone who ships gamzee and Nepeta and they were drawing together and this happened
Between seeing the protection order on my background check for my new job and Jennifer stalking me I've really been mentally spiraling the past few days and it's pathetic asf
God I wish you'd talk to me. But I know you never will again. And that really fucks me up. I shouldn't be like this. I should just forget and move on.
I wish you would tell Jennifer to leave me alone. But I know that won't happen.
I wish you didn't hate me. But all that's left is resentment for me.
I have new friends and even a best friend.
But sometimes I just... Still cry over it.
Remember when I would cry over people like Dylan or other various people I'd fight with or lose or ECT? You would try to cheer me up. Make it better.
Now it's you I'm crying over and you're never going to be there again. I can never redeem myself and treat you better. I should have never argued with you. Should have never told you to get out of my vehicle when we were fighting about not being able to afford the wifi. I should have never tried to kill myself.
It was selfish of me. It was wrong.
I was just so overwhelmed. My nana died. My family was fighting. We were losing the house. We were struggling with jobs.
It was too much for me and I crumbled and became toxic. Me and Coco fighting didn't help either.
I should have never ran away with Dylan. I should have never acted embarrassed of you and made you feel foolish about headcannons or kinning characters or ect.
I just should have been better but I wasn't. I did this. I have to live with this.
It hurts even more because I know you're fine. You're happy without me. [b this is exactly what you want, to be without me.]
I should have never destroyed that stuff when the fight happened. I wish so badly to undo everything and try again but that's not how life works.
This is my life now. A life without you. And I can never change it
Sometimes I get angry and salty because I know others had fought with you and got second chances and ect. But that's your call. Not mine. You haven't looked back once since leaving. You must've really been unhappy in our friendship. I know the friends I have now would love you. I know the server I have would love you.
But you're just not coming back and I have to keep living with that.
I still can't replace you because it's just not possible.
You're one of my favorite memories.
I wish I wasn't so naive, weak, hostile, selfish, stupid back then.
I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had paid attention more. Or been more sympathetic. I just hate what has happened but this is it. This is how it is now. There's no changing it.
Even though my heart aches I don't dare do anything about it.
I know better
I keep thinking about what was said 'my best friend is gone' no.. I'm still here. I was just blinded by stress and grief and I spiraled so bad it caused me to lose you.
I hope your life is well and I really hope you're happy. I hope there's no money stress and i hope you accomplish your goals.
I wish I didn't do this to us.
And I wish I didn't do all the things I did on here. But that's another story.
I could whine all night and day and say how sorry I am to everyone
But it won't matter or change anything
What I've done is done and I just can't undo it
Man I really wish I could
Imagine trying to kidnap someone and failing
Imagine answering Bryan's phone when their other sister calls worried he wasn't texting and when they ask who you are you say "you'll never see Bryan again" and hanging up on them
Imagine thinking my brother would be happy in a group home and acting offended when I said I didn't want that for him.
Imagine Spreading rumors to cancel out my custody and justify why 'you must have the kids'
But it don't matter and it didn't work because you're not family and you don't have the right. Plus Bryan got to chose who to live with.
Imagine trying to get a lawyer to claim Bryan was kidnapped when you lost the court battle for custody. Imagine telling people I sold Bryan to his dad.
I got my brother to his dad. And left. I didn't try to get my other sibling. I just left them there. I was never a threat. Imagine stalking someone to find out where they work in another state just to send that protective order so you don't have to deal with the person you hurt. Granted I was very fucking unstable and the whole situation was gaslighting and had me fucked up so it's justified but the situation entirely was fucked. I should've stopped asking. That was harassment. But rumors and shit? That's fucked up.
Imagine taking legal actions to get me to stop begging to stop the rumors, to tell the truth, and blocking people who questioned it or didn't agree.
Imagine helping someone cancel a check for a GoFundMe for their sick puppy and justify stealing it because you don't like them AFTER you put a restraining order on them because "you fear for the kids safety"
Imagine claiming I'm "such a bad person and I need to be avoided at all costs I don't want you near any of us"
JUST to show up at my work asking about me.
JUST to sit outside watching me when I'm at the library.
JUST to pull up to Walmart right after the person you wanted to stay away and SIT there for over fourty fuckin minutes ranting and raving on your phone.
JUST to wait until this person that's "so dangerous" walks out JUST so you can get out and start fucking taking pictures of their RV.
Like why? I haven't done or said anything to anyone
I literally did nothing
How the fuck did you know it was me? Why stalk me? Why take PICTURES OF ME OR MY RV.
It was a good call to record what she was waiting for after I went inside.
I don't know what the fuck you're up to but leave me alone
I don't want anything to do with anyone. I'm sad about what happened. I miss them. But I don't do anything about it. I'm just trying to WORK and LIVE WITH MY DOGS so why the fuck are you after me??
What did I "do" this time? Here to start more fucking rumors about me???
Leave me alone please I haven't done anything and I'm genuinely fucking scared you're going to start getting people to harass me or send another "protection order" out when I HAVEN'T DONE OR SAID ANYTHING to anyone
Why are you fucking doing this to me??? I've cried several times since yesterday
I'm genuinely fucking scared why take pictures how did you know this was my RV AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING ME??
WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING THIS TIME
I'm minding my own business WORKING TWO JOBS
I go to academy next month for grooming and I'm planning on buying more educated courses like CPR ect so why the fuck are you STALKING ME why do you want to ruin my life so much why can't you just let me do my own thing?! I'm so fucking paranoid over what happened I don't want it to happen again
What is the reason for this?!
I don't like you Jennifer
I'm fucking scared of you
Little to her knowledge we recorded her taking pics of my RV
Damn you don't even gotta do anything to be harassed now adays
I just needed some fucking socks before work
Bitch sat there in the lot for half an hour ranting on her phone
I set my phone up to record and left and she came up and took pictures
Fuck that I'm going to the cops rn I don't feel safe
The fact I haven't done anything or said anything but WORKED
And your fuckin mom Jennifer is STALKING me pulling up to the library two weeks ago and now following me to sit in her car and rant on the phone at Walmart is fucking creepy and I feel extremely unsafe if it happens again I'm calling the cops
[https://youtu.be/_LWHHp7j1I4 I thought we were friends, but now we're enemies
Okay I really hate to bring this up but
I GOT HIRED AS A SECURITY/ Night gaurd
And I am very excited to have two jobs
And I really want to keep this job
I even stopped smoking
....your protective order against me is on my record
And... If I want to keep my job I have to petition to remove it???
I don't want to bother you guys or harass you so I'll ask here and see what happens
Maybe someone will stalk me and see this
I just want to work
I need this job
Please please please let me appeal and remove it
I won't harass anyone or try to come into anyone's lives
I don't want to battle anyone in court but if I have to Bryan has already told me what happened once and we can record a phone call about what actually happened
I saw what you wrote on that protection order
That's not .... Arguing about what did or didn't happen won't get me anywhere
But I need this off my record so I can KEEP this job I really want this job
I know if I face you in court I'll break down in tears
Here I am trying to move on with my life and three years later I'm still dealing with the drama that happened
I don't hate you
I'm not mad
I'm just very sad
And I'm not trying to weasel my way back in to your life or do anything negative
Let me remove the old protection order so I can keep this opportunity
I wasn't even in state to be there to defend myself or anything
You guys found out where I worked and sent it there after Bryan was already gone
And he just wanted to live with his dad
And he is happy and that is what should be important
[size9 I went through some of our old conversations to find art to show my friend
I wasn't as good as a friend as I claimed
I see why you left
And sometimes I wish I could do it all again, differently
Sometimes I just sit here and get so upset.
Because even if I wasn't the best, the care I had for you was real
And no matter how many times I try to make myself stay away, hate, convince myself to never look back
.no matter how much I beat it into my head that you hate me now and I shouldn't miss you
That there is no going back
The pain is still so real and
I kept saying I hated you. I was mad. But at this point I'm not even mad
I'm just sad.
I'm that word you taught me.. wistful.
I wonder if you'd be proud of me.. if we hadn't had the fallout or if you magically wanted to talk to me again.. I never had goals like this when you were here..I have so many certifications. I'm going to groomer academy in april. I have a job I'm happy with and I'm even looking for a second job.
I got my GED
I started working on bettering myself and being nicer and..
You don't get to be here to see me accomplish things
You don't get to be here for me to be excited to
You don't get to see the person I'm becoming and I promise it's not the girl I was back then.
I really shouldn't think about you
I shouldn't talk about you
I have all this art, all these characters and designs
All these friends, servers, rps, world's
Memes, new knowledge. Things I wish I could rush to share with you like I used to but I can't.
And that's something I have to live with. And I wish I didn't have to live this way. I wish I didn't have to live on your blacklist. I wish you could see this.. older me but you won't because of my own faults.
I saw you in the fast food place
You acted as if I wasn't there
But.. I was happy just because it wasn't negative? I was happy to be in the room with you if only for a moment. Inside my head I was screaming. I just wanted to badly to reach out and say I was sorry and I missed my friend. I held back because "they'd just say I'm harassing them or tell me to fuck off" when I left and got in the car I broke down trembling and crying.
Don't worry I won't go back there. I didn't know you worked there and I don't want to ruin your workplace or safe place. I know you don't want to be near me.
I kept talking to my friends about how much I missed you.
But I shouldn't
Because you don't want to be my friend anymore
If you did.. you would be. I can't force you to care about me. I can't force you to talk to me. But God do I wish I could stop missing you.
It's been what.. two years? Why must I be so haunted.
Why did I do this to us.
You were such a good friend.
And I'm nothing but a bad memory.
Also genuinely concerned I'm going to be attacked for this but shit happens]
I bought the base for $4 and she sold for $10 I'm super happy
I purchased the rights to some bases from Nazaki-cain and I made this moth girl Adopt and I'm super proud of her design
Though mobile ruins the resolution
I have a better one in email
My fridge is stuffed
I have gas and dog food
Today is blessed
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