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I feel) like shit today. I woke up feeling like I was gonna vomit so I called out of work. I had a mental breakdown for like an hour last night. I ha e no energy at all.
But its ok. Ive got today and tommorow off so I can work on the things tha need working on.
My friends are helping me figure out a binding ritual.
I can do a cleansing on my own.
I just need to wait till later. I'm pretty sure I go into work early tho so we will see if ive got time tonight or if I have to do ot tommorow.
Ive still gotta cook and clean and stuff today so we will see.
It's been a relatively good day today though. Ive had lots of friends giving me support as they know I wasnt feeling good last night. I woke up feeling great even after everything last night. Love and I had some serious stuff to talk about but we like...talked about it like adults and like...that is still so odd to me. Esspecially sincce I still argue with someone like a child. I suppose thats just how it goes with them tho.
Doesnt matter. I'm an adult and its time I started acting like one.
I think I'm gomma do a ritual tonight. Somethimg to cleans. Ive gotta research but I know that I need to ask my love for help. And maybe I'll ask the server. Who knows? But I've gotta do something. Maybe a binding ritual would be good too.
Like I said research and ask for help.
So couple things to say today. Works going so well. I'm makeing new friends and like...im actually talking to people without being forced into conversation. I start conversarions now! That's crazy.
Love is proud of me. Even if my mom doesnt really tell me I'm sure she's proud of that at least. And most of all I'm proud of me. I'm doing this big scary thing that I never thought I could ever do. Its an amazing feeling.
The situation with my sister is getting better. Shes relizeing her boyfriends an abuseive peice of shit and shes been talking about moveing back in with us. Apparently tonight she was fighting with him and she asked my mom to pick her up. It's a huge step to recovery and my mom amd I are here 100 percent of the way. Of all people in her life we probably know the most about gwtting over abuse.
Also hey maybe dont twist EVERY FUCKING THING THATS EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN US ? Also don't turn it around like I'm the bad guy for doing that.
I'm not some whore who slept around. I dated two people after we broke up not includeing my current bf. Oh and I've admitted I did shitty things. But did you know that abuse victims tend to become abuseive themselves to gain control back? Wow. An explination as to why I acted that way with you but litteraly no one else. Oh and how many people told me "oh yeah he did that to me too"
Abusers repeat behaviors with multiple people. Victims dont. You arent a fucking victim. Not from me at least.
And if you were really a victim of abuse youd know those scars dont just fucking go away. It takes years, it could take a lifetime. There are people do were abused when they were younger who are still terrified by their abuser. Even after 10,20 etc years. You'd know this if you actually were abused.
Oh and another thing. I was 14. I had just barely hit puberty. I was litteraly a child. You were 19. A literal adult. You know how there are laws preventing people that are from neing together? There's a fucking reason for that. 14 year olds are not old enough to know what's right or wrong. I had never had a serious relationship.
I'm not blind to my flaws. I'm aware that I have many. I'm pushy and I shut down easily and I'm bratty and stouborn amd annoying and the list goes on and on. And yes I manipulated situations because if I didnt you wouldnt have spent any time with me. But I was unreasonable for wanting just one moment that wasnt the middle of the night when I had school in the morning.
Of course I gave till I blew up. I was terrified if I said I was unhappy you'd threaten to leave or kill yourself.
Remember that time I said id kill myself cuz you broke up with me? Oh wait it wasnt me. That was you. That was you who I had to BEG to not do it because I was leaveing you.
I'm not a sad person. I'm a damaged person. There is litterally so many studies of the effects of abuse and I'm sure they will tell you that no mater how much a victim heals their abuser will always have some amount of power over them. You know the power I was talking about. It was the power to make me so scared to leave my phone or my room because at any moment you'd call and I didnt want to miss you. You had the power to make me worry if you didnt text back in 5 mins because that meant I wouldnt talk to you for the rest of the day.
You have the power that every time I hear your name or see or hear the word kentucky I go into panic mode. Your the reason that if I see somone who looks a little bit like you I have a mini panic attack because "did he stalk me?"
And again I did not throw myself from relationship to relationship I dated TWO FUCKING PEOPLE! One of which neither of us had any intentions of it being more than sex. Which isnt a bad thing actually. If you are doing it with a clear state of mind which I was. I just wanted sex.
Oh and lets not forget about the fact that you need to not ever fucking bring up my family again. You have no idea what my family life is like. You have no right to say ANYTHING about them. Keep their names out of your fucking mouth.
And also also I left you before you knew about Alex. You didnt "cry amd take me back" you cried and beged for me to come back. Cheaking isnt ok but dont act like you didnt do it more than I did. I can off the top of my head count at least 4 people you cheated with. And I know there were more.
And when I was alone where did I go? The only place id ever really known. You. And I let you do the things you always do but those times I knew what you were doing and I wasnt going to fall for it. But I thought I needed you. I know now that I dont. I'm worthy of real love. I have a man who loves me for who I am and respects me and is so proud of my accomplishments. I could see a future without you where I was happy. But there isnt a future without him that seems appealing.
And sayong you "dont want a fight" is the stupidest thing ive ever read. You and I both know I snoop on your stuff and you snoop in mine. You KNEW id see that. You KNEW id see you talking shit and id square the fuck up. You are such a fucking manipulative person I cant even.
I can't help but roll my eyes whenever I see someone make the excuses I used to for people like my ex. It's worse when I see them blameing themselves for something thats not really their fault. Abuse really is a hell of a thing. It really can fuck someone up.
Ive been seeing all the classics lately you know? The "oh its my default I have this feeling." And the "my feelings are stupid" and the "oh they've done nothing wrong. I'm just overreacting" ah the classics.
Honestly I just want to scoop these people up amd say "it's going to be ok" but also I want to shake them amd say "stop it!"
I know nothing I say will be belived by anyone on this stupid website but I want to help these people. I want to warn people "nope that's a bad man." But I know from experience that'll never work. I never listened to anyone until it was too late. I'm lucky I got out before it was really too late cuz I was so ready to be a married man with him. I would never have gotten out if I had married him and moved all the way to Florida or Kentucky. God it's terrifying to think about.
But here I am actually seeing a real life with my love. I've never had such a vivid picture of what my life will be like. I know how we are going to raise our kids I know everything I want at our wedding. I know that I want to be by his side as one of is takes our last breaths. I can't imagine a future without him. That's incredibly cheesy but it's entirely true.
Anyway now that I've ranted I'm going to bed. Work at 6 am and its almost 12. Lol.
I swear to god if this girl doesnt give me the twenty I gave her back or the info I need to unlock this phone I'm gonna flip. I need one or the other. If you sell a phone you need to be able to unlock it for mr or I want my money back. Sell it to someone else but if I cant use the fucking thing then I'm getting my money back.
I cant wait for my birthday tommorow. My love is spending the night and we decided to make a romantic dinner for 2 among other stuff. Ive been dying to know what he got me for my birthday. No matter what I know I'll love it so much. Hes so amazing and just. Uhg. I cant wait.
Despite that survivors guilt is hitting me a little today. Its been kinda happening for the past few weeks but yee....idk. I feel bad for being the one that got out and letting it happen to other people. It sucks. But like....its like that thing do I get out and be happy or suffer for the rest of my life. Like I've never been this happy in my life. Sure I have really bad days but ive never felt like I was so loved or needed or like my life was going somewhere as much as I do now. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. I'm working on it tho.
Hey. Maybe instead of asking "what happened to doing the dishes" say "I see you did a couple loads of dishes. You need to finish them"ACKNOWLEDGE MY SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND I WILL DO BIGGER ONES!
God my feet are killing me. I've got another opening shift tommorow and I'm so tired I don't want to. But hey 9 hours pay is a hecking lot.
Also my mom got me wine and my temptation to drink the whole bottle right now is overwhelming but I gotta sleep at 8. Rip me.
Anyway [https://vm.tiktok.com/uSxdM4/ here] is this. Have a good day.
I'm shaking. I have work at in an hour and a half and I've barely slept. I can't stop shakeing and I know it's a mix of cold and the mental breakdown I'm having. I panic every time a Kentucky number crosses my phone but it's never you yet it still brings back all the trauma. So why. Why did it have to be this morning that it was your number. Why did it have to be 1:30 am when I'm just barely wakeing up that you had to be the first person on my mind when it always is my boyfriend. Why today did I have to deal with this. Why now? I was doing so good. Healing. I've been getting so much better and now I cant stop shakeing. It's like when I'm doing good something brings you back into my life and I'm so sick of it. I cant take it anymore. I will never message you actually wanting to. I will never talk to you because "oh hey old friend" because you arent an old friend. You are an old abuser. Block me everywhere if you have to but don't ever talk to me. I never want to hear your voice again. Just let me heal. You will always have power over me. Thats what you want. You'll always effect me in the way you want to. I'm terrified of you. I will never fully heal from what you did to me. There. Is that what you secretly wanted to hear? That you still have the power to make me break down? There you go. I hate you with every fiber of my being and I hate it. I hate that I hate you because we had so many good memmories but the bad overshadowed it and scared me for the rest of my life. Dont message me. I wont respond. Dont call. I'll continue to decline it. You are blocked on my phone and I'll block every number you try to use. I'm not hurting myself to give you the satisfaction of abuseing me more.
Honestlyyyyy @so many people I know. I.e. 2 people...3 people? Nah ive lost track.
Anyway if one more person calls me a she at work I'm going to have a mental breakdown and Kermit toaster bath.
At least hes not robbing the cradle. Oof.
Anyway this song hit way too hard so here it is for future me.
Wow. Shocker. I'm having another breakdown where I wont ask anyone for help. So on brand.
In a lot of pain I really just wanna cuddle my boyfriend or talk to anyone.
Another thing cuz like its like a good day so there will finnaly be some positives in here. Lol.
It's almost Halloween and I'm so freaking hyped. It's also a little over 4 months till a year with my boyfriend. I never thought I'd be this happy in a relationship. He treats me so well and he keeps me in line when I'm starting to get bad with my depression and stuff. Hes amazing.
Happy late 8 months to my love. He doesnt read this cuz he doesnt come on here but still. I cant belive its been 8 whole months.
Ive never truely been myself with someone as much as I have with him. I thought I was genderfluid because of men cuz iwas going for the straight guys but I dont have to worry about that with him. Hes gay and he sees me as a man and only a man. He lets me talk to him about the things I like and he actually listens and I actually want to listen to him when he talks about his things. He has the same sexual interests as me, not that that matters too much but it does a little. Be also has the same love language as me and its so refreshing. Last night he was dming our game instead of me for a week and I was barely focused on the story cuz all I could think was how much I love him and how safe I feel when I'm with him. Hes my actual soul mate and I can't belive I found him.
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