[size8 Okay maybe I step out of my lane a bit when im salty. Oh well. ]
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We are finally moving into our own apartment. It's crazy to me that I'm doing this but I'm so excited. no more abusive mother. No more fear of leaving my room. Having a living room I can actually use. I cant believe I'm finally doing it, and it's with the man I love. My brother will be ther and also maybe my friend but like....my fiance and I will be liveing together! I cant believe it's happening. It's the one good thing among the chaos that is my life right now, and also the solution to part of that chaos. I see a future for myself and that is something to celebrate.
I love sleeping next to this man but I hate being up for hours after hes fallen asleep. mans moves so fucking much in his sleep it's redonculus. And it's not his fault I'm up it's my internal clock but it doesnt help that hes crushing me every 5 minutes. I've said it before I'll say it again I cant wait to get a bed that's big boy sized and not made for a litteral bunk bed. But it's worth it to wake up to his face. Soon I'll get to do that every day. I'm so fucking lucky man. I never dreamed of having someone like him. So amazing in every way. I'm the luckiest man alive though he may fight me on that one.
Lmao misgendering and deadnameing someone cuz you dont wanna admit you dated a guy is so fucking dumb, and not to mention transphobic. But whatever keep being a shitty person, just keep proveing you are actual scum. Fucking bitch ass.
This wanting a baby thing is getting out of hand. I dont know how to deal with it. Because I know I cant have a baby right now I dont even know where I will be living in a week but I just want a baby so bad. Not a baby I want my fiance's baby. I want to have a family with him and I dont know how to cope with the fact that I cant. I keep telling myself all the reasons a baby would be bad but it just makes it hurt more. I dont know how to talk about this with people and I've talked about it with fiance and he says the same reasons why we cant but neither of us know how to help me cope with this desire to have a baby. I dont know what to do at this point.
Lmao closing shift fucking sucks and I dont want to do it anymore. But at least I'm makeing 40 hour work weeks cuz shit do I need the money. but to sell my soul to find an apartment. but hopefully the landlord can give us that other 3 bedroom cuz it's cheap as frick and my times almost up to find a place. Not to mention that even if it wasn't I dont know how much more I can take of my mom constantly berating me and my brother and makeing us terrified to do anything. I'm just ready to not be abused. Like come the fuck on. I just started healing properly from my other traumas dont give me more. Grandma just died and you dont want to give us even a second to breath and mourn. It's been exactly a month and maybe if you hadn't automatically started abusing us worse we would have been able to mourn well enough by now but you were a cunt. Grammy would hate to see the way you are treating us. Shed be livid with what you are doing to her apartment too. Anyway I'm dead fucking tired. Thank god I dont work tommorow.
Might have an appartment that we can go to. And itll be a 3 bedroom so if we have to we can get a roommate. But it's cheaper than some of the 2 bedrooms we found so that's really good. it's still expensive but that's my state for you. At least I'm makeing more money now that I'm getting more hours. Now all I need is the motivation to pack up my nasty ass room and get my shit together enough to be clean in the new place. Hopefully tommorow I'll have at least a shred of motivation.
Well looks like he wont move in. You said this appartment would be ours. We aren't paying for everything up here if it's not going to be ours and ours alone. I dont blame him if he says no. I fucking hate my mom.
I cant wait till I dont have to deal with your shit anymore. I'm so fucking sick of the way you act like we are just the worste kids ever. Like WE are the bad guys. Every single one of us is sick and tired of your abuse. Every single one of us are more willing to be homeless than to live with you one more day. The only reason I'm still here is because I didnt want to leave grammy. But shes gone and now if fiance and I cant take this appartment I dont care I will live on the streets if I have to. I'm sick of your shit. I refuse to let you abuse me. After you talk to the landlord I'm either going to have only another month to deal with you or I'll ne homeless. I wont take this shit any more.
For a couple years I've been trying to figure out what I wanna do with my life. I've flopped and changed my mind so many time I cant count but the one thing I knew I always wanted to do was art. Everyone told me that it wasn't a practical dream to want to go into art and that I'd need a real job but I could never really think of anything else that would make me happy. But I think I know where I want my life to go. I want to teach. I've always liked teaching. I've always had teaching in the back of my mind. It could let me do both things I'm passionate about. art and teaching. And I mean look at me. I'm every art teacher ever. I fit into the stereotype so easy. I'm gay I'm hippy and im insane. But more importantly I think having more LGBT teachers is important. kids need to know that they can be themselves, even if they dont have the best support systems. So long story short I want to be a teacher.
In other news since I'm writing here my grandma is dying. She can barely get out of bed. I dont know what I'm gonna do. Shes like a mother to me. Shes just started calling me lance. Shes not even going to see me get married. Shes not gonna get to see any of her grandkids get married. Its gonna be a bit more rough on me the net few months but it's worse for her. I just hope I can grieve this in a healthy way.
It's been stressing mom out really bad and shes been takeing it out on everyone around her. Shes constantly yelling at me about shit she does or the smallest shit. I try to take time for myself and she gets mad at me. I dont know what to do. Even my siblings have started talking about the way she treated all of us. My sister and I realized that shes been abusive and narcissistic our whole life. No wonder I sat and took it from my ex. No wonder I didnt see red flags ever. Yes you thought me all about abusive spouses while subtly using abusive behavior. my whole life. And I know I'm lucky she wasn't hitting me when I was younger but I'm still scared from her abuse and it's not like she has never hit me or physically hurt me before. Theres been a handful of times where she lost her temper. I cant really do this anymore. I dont want to be around her but now I feel guilty because shes losing someone too. I dont have to feel guilty for not putting myself in situations where I could be abuse but I still do.
Therapy over a call is weird. I always feel awkward stareing at the screen but if i look away im being awkward too. I guess its not too different than in person but its a fat rip. At least im getting therapy
So mom got into an accident today and totally fucked the front of her car. It's going to cost so much and I know that she's gonna make me give her all of my money now. I'm never going to be able to move out. I hate it here.
Wow. I was maybe a little too drunk last night. I dumped so much on zack and he still wants to be around me. I dont get it but i love him so much. He made me feel so much better last night. The second he relized i wasnt in a good state of mind he called me. He let me dump everything. And i mean everything. We talked about y trauma, and we talked about how its been really hard to deal with lately. We talked about my self destructive behaviours [size8 like drinking] i told him how when i get that bad sometimes ill look at things like my old messages with toxic people. I'll unblock them just so that i can read the messages we had. Just so i can hurt myself. Last night i noticed all the red flags in the messages with one person...i should have seen them sooner, compareing me to people they had made me belive were monsters, telling me i was a monster. Threatening things they knew would make me scared. That was all red flags. All red flags id see all the time with them. And seeing these messages it was like i was back to that same place. The place they wanted me back then. It hurt so much but zack called and he listened and he let me get it out. He knows how to make me feel better, even when im being this distructive. He doesnt scold me. He doesnt yell at me. He listens. I would have never said any of that stuff if i wasnt drunk but now i know i can. I dont have to bottle up the ugliest parts of me. He'll listen. Its worth the hangover.
Im very drunk and avoiding my problems. Love that for me.
On the plus side im not crying im just prettending im ok.
Doing great, as you can see.
Wow. Me? Spiraling? Noooo. nEVER.
I need to talk to someone but i dont have anyone who can actually talk me through this. There are 2 people who know me well enough to bring me down from my metiforical ledge and i hate one of them. Zack is going through his own shit right now and i dont know how to help him but i do know that forceing this shit on him wont fucking help. I hate this so fucking much. I dont wanna be alone.
Good job lance. Going though a lot if traumatic memories just to find one photo you couldnt even find. Im pathetic. Im shakeing because i couldnt relize that actually reading all that old stuff would fuck with me. How sad is that? And its way to late to go to sleep that thats a whole lot of fun.
I'll just sit here, feeling numb until Zack wakes up. Maybe if he can call me ill feel better.
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