[size8 Okay maybe I step out of my lane a bit when im salty. Oh well. ]
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Well looks like he wont move in. You said this appartment would be ours. We aren't paying for everything up here if it's not going to be ours and ours alone. I dont blame him if he says no. I fucking hate my mom.
I cant wait till I dont have to deal with your shit anymore. I'm so fucking sick of the way you act like we are just the worste kids ever. Like WE are the bad guys. Every single one of us is sick and tired of your abuse. Every single one of us are more willing to be homeless than to live with you one more day. The only reason I'm still here is because I didnt want to leave grammy. But shes gone and now if fiance and I cant take this appartment I dont care I will live on the streets if I have to. I'm sick of your shit. I refuse to let you abuse me. After you talk to the landlord I'm either going to have only another month to deal with you or I'll ne homeless. I wont take this shit any more.
For a couple years I've been trying to figure out what I wanna do with my life. I've flopped and changed my mind so many time I cant count but the one thing I knew I always wanted to do was art. Everyone told me that it wasn't a practical dream to want to go into art and that I'd need a real job but I could never really think of anything else that would make me happy. But I think I know where I want my life to go. I want to teach. I've always liked teaching. I've always had teaching in the back of my mind. It could let me do both things I'm passionate about. art and teaching. And I mean look at me. I'm every art teacher ever. I fit into the stereotype so easy. I'm gay I'm hippy and im insane. But more importantly I think having more LGBT teachers is important. kids need to know that they can be themselves, even if they dont have the best support systems. So long story short I want to be a teacher.
In other news since I'm writing here my grandma is dying. She can barely get out of bed. I dont know what I'm gonna do. Shes like a mother to me. Shes just started calling me lance. Shes not even going to see me get married. Shes not gonna get to see any of her grandkids get married. Its gonna be a bit more rough on me the net few months but it's worse for her. I just hope I can grieve this in a healthy way.
It's been stressing mom out really bad and shes been takeing it out on everyone around her. Shes constantly yelling at me about shit she does or the smallest shit. I try to take time for myself and she gets mad at me. I dont know what to do. Even my siblings have started talking about the way she treated all of us. My sister and I realized that shes been abusive and narcissistic our whole life. No wonder I sat and took it from my ex. No wonder I didnt see red flags ever. Yes you thought me all about abusive spouses while subtly using abusive behavior. my whole life. And I know I'm lucky she wasn't hitting me when I was younger but I'm still scared from her abuse and it's not like she has never hit me or physically hurt me before. Theres been a handful of times where she lost her temper. I cant really do this anymore. I dont want to be around her but now I feel guilty because shes losing someone too. I dont have to feel guilty for not putting myself in situations where I could be abuse but I still do.
Therapy over a call is weird. I always feel awkward stareing at the screen but if i look away im being awkward too. I guess its not too different than in person but its a fat rip. At least im getting therapy
So mom got into an accident today and totally fucked the front of her car. It's going to cost so much and I know that she's gonna make me give her all of my money now. I'm never going to be able to move out. I hate it here.
Wow. I was maybe a little too drunk last night. I dumped so much on zack and he still wants to be around me. I dont get it but i love him so much. He made me feel so much better last night. The second he relized i wasnt in a good state of mind he called me. He let me dump everything. And i mean everything. We talked about y trauma, and we talked about how its been really hard to deal with lately. We talked about my self destructive behaviours [size8 like drinking] i told him how when i get that bad sometimes ill look at things like my old messages with toxic people. I'll unblock them just so that i can read the messages we had. Just so i can hurt myself. Last night i noticed all the red flags in the messages with one person...i should have seen them sooner, compareing me to people they had made me belive were monsters, telling me i was a monster. Threatening things they knew would make me scared. That was all red flags. All red flags id see all the time with them. And seeing these messages it was like i was back to that same place. The place they wanted me back then. It hurt so much but zack called and he listened and he let me get it out. He knows how to make me feel better, even when im being this distructive. He doesnt scold me. He doesnt yell at me. He listens. I would have never said any of that stuff if i wasnt drunk but now i know i can. I dont have to bottle up the ugliest parts of me. He'll listen. Its worth the hangover.
Im very drunk and avoiding my problems. Love that for me.
On the plus side im not crying im just prettending im ok.
Doing great, as you can see.
Wow. Me? Spiraling? Noooo. nEVER.
I need to talk to someone but i dont have anyone who can actually talk me through this. There are 2 people who know me well enough to bring me down from my metiforical ledge and i hate one of them. Zack is going through his own shit right now and i dont know how to help him but i do know that forceing this shit on him wont fucking help. I hate this so fucking much. I dont wanna be alone.
Good job lance. Going though a lot if traumatic memories just to find one photo you couldnt even find. Im pathetic. Im shakeing because i couldnt relize that actually reading all that old stuff would fuck with me. How sad is that? And its way to late to go to sleep that thats a whole lot of fun.
I'll just sit here, feeling numb until Zack wakes up. Maybe if he can call me ill feel better.
I saw something and all I could think was, god hes cheating on her. This man who is notorious online for cheating just keeps doing it and never has to answer to the consequences of his actions cuz everyone knows him. I've seen stuff like that. I've lived stuff like that. I wish I could just stop it. I am so sick of hearing these stories. No one should have to go through that. I'm so sorry that you are. I care about this person I know nothing about for some twisted reason. Maybe it's because ive been there. Maybe its just because I have so few connections that at this point im just reaching out into the universe for someone who knows what I went through. Someone who really knows. Someone who wont put me down for having this trauma cuz it isn't the exact same as theirs. Someone who doesn't belittle my trauma by telling me my feelings weren't real. Just someone who truly actually understands. I don't belive there is anyone like that out there, at least not ones who know that they are like me. Theres plenty of people who have had the same abuse and made excuses for the same abuser. They all go running back to him, and to be completely honest I would have too if I never met Zack. If I never was shown what real honest unconditional love was I'd just keep going back, because I knew nothing else. I felt safe in the familiarity but never in the man who caused it. I'm so glad I met Zack. I'm so glad that I know who I am without one of my abusers. I cant wait to know what its like without the other. I finally see a light and I don't feel stuck. I can go towards it. I can finally see a happy and bright future full of art and kids and a beautiful restaurant. And taco Tuesdays. I have never been so truly and utterly happy. I cant wait to give him my last name. But as amazing as he is he doesn't know the man who abused me. He's only seen the effects he has, not what caused it. He can only empathize with me. It gets lonely but it's not unbearable. Not anymore at least. And I can keep a pice of my mind by asking the universe to make sure that people who go through that kind of abuse, or any abuse really, will be ok. I wish you infinite happiness, as long as it isn't at the expense of others.
I'm not trying to start a fight. I'm not trying to become relevent. I'm trying to vent because this is the only way I know how and I'm stuck at home with my thoughts now that I'm not working as much. I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm allowed that at least.
Hey straight people. Gay people aren't there for your amusement. Stop fetishizeing them. And oh my god don't get me started on how cissies fetishize trans people. Its disgusting. We aren't an aesthetic. We aren't a fetish. We aren't a "preference" god. People are disgusting.
Little psa. Dont fuck over a witch. Not when he knows that a little sour jar to encourage the karma you were already going to get wont give him bad karma. Sure it'll cause karma but my intentions are clear. I'm not trying to ruin you I'm trying to see you get whats comeing to you.
When your life falls apart I just want you to know its because you fucked me over. You will get what you deserve. And I cant wait to see it all happen.
So...i dont think ive ever been treated the way he treats me in my life. He's just so amazing and. God I love him. I know you arent supposed to expect your partner to fix you and I dont really but he has helped me heal wounds I didnt really know I had. I'm so lucky.
I cant belive its just one day till our aniversary. I have never been so in love with someone. Ive never really loved someone. Its always been forced or influenced. this feeling is new. It is amazing. I cant belive i met you. I love you so much and i know you wont see this and im saying this to the void but i say it to you enough i just need to get it out today. Youll never know how greatful i am for you.
I had bronchitis but it's deffo more than that. I have been taleing the meds and should be fine by now but I can barely talk. I havent been to work in a fucking week because this had to happen AFTER they gave me 3 days off. My 3 day weekend was already shit after the fight with mom why not just male me sick then.
Going to the doctors AGAIN tommorow to see if they can figure out whats up cuz fuck I feel lile I'm dying.
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