[size8 Okay maybe I step out of my lane a bit when im salty. Oh well. ]
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Every time I actively dont look at your stuff I feel a little more empowered. Somerimes it's easy. Sometimes it's harder. My curiosity has almost gotten the better of me a couple times but I overpower it. I'm healing. Slowly but surely I'm getting better.
I'm about to go meet a bunch of new people...idk I'm kinda scared. I havent really had anxiety about meeting new people in a while but these are your coworkers. Like these are the people who you talk to about me. They have an idea of who I'm supposed to be in their head and Idk if I really match that idea. Me decked out in pastel clothes. A dress no less. I'm not really the man you think of when someone says boyfriend. Idk. I won't censor myself to fit into gender norms but it sure scary not to.
"You never apologized for hurting me but I appologized 12 times for geting angry about it."
Thats really powerful. I dont know where it comes from I just found it on Facebook but its really a good quote.
My head has been hurting all day and im so bored. Babe is playing dnd with his friends so hes not messageing me and ive just been sitting here watching gravity falls all day. I smoked so hopefully the headache will go away. I boy can dream.
I don't have work tommorow and Idk why I'm so burnt out this week but I'm glad to have a day off. Esspecially so I can smoke tonight. I'm responsible enough go not smoke when i have work and all my days off latepy ive either been drinking or just too busy with something else to smoke so I'm glad to do it again. Have a little fun for once.
As I write this its kicking in so thats good. Heads still hurting a little tho.
This girl trying to act like evertthing is normal agaolin. No bitch. You are abuseing me and my best friend. IM NOT GONNA TAKE IT. God shes a cunt.
For context cuz someone thought I was talking about him: My best friend is dateing a girl who literally is a textbook abuser and I called her out on it and all the things she does that piss me off. She told him to tell me to appologize. I said I wont for what I said but I did say sorry for how it made her feel. I wont say sorry for saying how I feel. But for the sake of civility I had to say something. He's my best friend and anllso my boyfriends best friend and if I cant be civil then neither of us will ever really see him until he leaves her.
I think I need to talk to him about this all really cuz she is legitamatepy trigggering me with the way sje treats him in front of me and the way she manipulates me. I dont want to lose a friend over this and I'll always be here for him but God I cant be around her.
ALSO to address something that I dont really need to I'm working at McDonalds so I can follow my dreams of being an artist as my job. McDonald has flexible hours and I make like 800 a month from just that, which is enough for me for now. My boyfriend makes 16 dollars an hour and when we move in together our combined money will be enough to pay bills and live comfortably. He keeps moveing up and up and hes going to own that place one day and I'm going to be able to stay home and create stuff all day. So before you diss my minimum wage job maybe think about my quality of life that its giveing me. That's all thanks bieeeeee.
I'm not gonna apologize for calling you abuseive. You are literaly a textbook abuser. Good god. It is insane to me that you are expecting an apology from me. You've literally never appologized for any of the things youve done to me. You dont get an apology from me. Bye bitch. Ive been emotionally manipulated for 3 years. I'm not gonna let it keep happening.
So I bought the wig...also I need to go to the doctor cuz my body is malfunctioning.
I wasted 25 of my dollars but hey that's how it be with cheap art kits. The cases are cute tho and the watercolor isnt bad.
I'm sure if I used the glossy and fast drying type of acrylic paints its work much better probably. I made a cute painting out of it anyway so thats a plus.
Also I shaved off all my hair. It was so damaged I couldn't repair it and ive been wanting to shave off all my hair for probably literal years so I got the push I needed. I'm dyeing it green in a sort of homage to Sadies hair in the Steven universe movie. It looks really good and like...the most masc ive ever looked. It feels good.
I'm also buying stuff for more cosplays. And maybe some other stuff who knows.
I gotta talk to babe to figure out if its a good decision to spend all my money RN but yee yea. We shall see.
Life is not great. I mean some individual aspects are amazing. My job. My boyfriend....there's others I'm sure...
But today was going so well. I was so happy. I was gonna see my boyfriend and have a good time and play in the snow with him tommorow...but that's probably not gonna happen. He probably can't get a ride here. I miss him...i need some good me time...but I'm probably not gonna get it so....yeah.
I feel) like shit today. I woke up feeling like I was gonna vomit so I called out of work. I had a mental breakdown for like an hour last night. I ha e no energy at all.
But its ok. Ive got today and tommorow off so I can work on the things tha need working on.
My friends are helping me figure out a binding ritual.
I can do a cleansing on my own.
I just need to wait till later. I'm pretty sure I go into work early tho so we will see if ive got time tonight or if I have to do ot tommorow.
Ive still gotta cook and clean and stuff today so we will see.
It's been a relatively good day today though. Ive had lots of friends giving me support as they know I wasnt feeling good last night. I woke up feeling great even after everything last night. Love and I had some serious stuff to talk about but we like...talked about it like adults and like...that is still so odd to me. Esspecially sincce I still argue with someone like a child. I suppose thats just how it goes with them tho.
Doesnt matter. I'm an adult and its time I started acting like one.
I think I'm gomma do a ritual tonight. Somethimg to cleans. Ive gotta research but I know that I need to ask my love for help. And maybe I'll ask the server. Who knows? But I've gotta do something. Maybe a binding ritual would be good too.
Like I said research and ask for help.
So couple things to say today. Works going so well. I'm makeing new friends and like...im actually talking to people without being forced into conversation. I start conversarions now! That's crazy.
Love is proud of me. Even if my mom doesnt really tell me I'm sure she's proud of that at least. And most of all I'm proud of me. I'm doing this big scary thing that I never thought I could ever do. Its an amazing feeling.
The situation with my sister is getting better. Shes relizeing her boyfriends an abuseive peice of shit and shes been talking about moveing back in with us. Apparently tonight she was fighting with him and she asked my mom to pick her up. It's a huge step to recovery and my mom amd I are here 100 percent of the way. Of all people in her life we probably know the most about gwtting over abuse.
Also hey maybe dont twist EVERY FUCKING THING THATS EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN US ? Also don't turn it around like I'm the bad guy for doing that.
I'm not some whore who slept around. I dated two people after we broke up not includeing my current bf. Oh and I've admitted I did shitty things. But did you know that abuse victims tend to become abuseive themselves to gain control back? Wow. An explination as to why I acted that way with you but litteraly no one else. Oh and how many people told me "oh yeah he did that to me too"
Abusers repeat behaviors with multiple people. Victims dont. You arent a fucking victim. Not from me at least.
And if you were really a victim of abuse youd know those scars dont just fucking go away. It takes years, it could take a lifetime. There are people do were abused when they were younger who are still terrified by their abuser. Even after 10,20 etc years. You'd know this if you actually were abused.
Oh and another thing. I was 14. I had just barely hit puberty. I was litteraly a child. You were 19. A literal adult. You know how there are laws preventing people that are from neing together? There's a fucking reason for that. 14 year olds are not old enough to know what's right or wrong. I had never had a serious relationship.
I'm not blind to my flaws. I'm aware that I have many. I'm pushy and I shut down easily and I'm bratty and stouborn amd annoying and the list goes on and on. And yes I manipulated situations because if I didnt you wouldnt have spent any time with me. But I was unreasonable for wanting just one moment that wasnt the middle of the night when I had school in the morning.
Of course I gave till I blew up. I was terrified if I said I was unhappy you'd threaten to leave or kill yourself.
Remember that time I said id kill myself cuz you broke up with me? Oh wait it wasnt me. That was you. That was you who I had to BEG to not do it because I was leaveing you.
I'm not a sad person. I'm a damaged person. There is litterally so many studies of the effects of abuse and I'm sure they will tell you that no mater how much a victim heals their abuser will always have some amount of power over them. You know the power I was talking about. It was the power to make me so scared to leave my phone or my room because at any moment you'd call and I didnt want to miss you. You had the power to make me worry if you didnt text back in 5 mins because that meant I wouldnt talk to you for the rest of the day.
You have the power that every time I hear your name or see or hear the word kentucky I go into panic mode. Your the reason that if I see somone who looks a little bit like you I have a mini panic attack because "did he stalk me?"
And again I did not throw myself from relationship to relationship I dated TWO FUCKING PEOPLE! One of which neither of us had any intentions of it being more than sex. Which isnt a bad thing actually. If you are doing it with a clear state of mind which I was. I just wanted sex.
Oh and lets not forget about the fact that you need to not ever fucking bring up my family again. You have no idea what my family life is like. You have no right to say ANYTHING about them. Keep their names out of your fucking mouth.
And also also I left you before you knew about Alex. You didnt "cry amd take me back" you cried and beged for me to come back. Cheaking isnt ok but dont act like you didnt do it more than I did. I can off the top of my head count at least 4 people you cheated with. And I know there were more.
And when I was alone where did I go? The only place id ever really known. You. And I let you do the things you always do but those times I knew what you were doing and I wasnt going to fall for it. But I thought I needed you. I know now that I dont. I'm worthy of real love. I have a man who loves me for who I am and respects me and is so proud of my accomplishments. I could see a future without you where I was happy. But there isnt a future without him that seems appealing.
And sayong you "dont want a fight" is the stupidest thing ive ever read. You and I both know I snoop on your stuff and you snoop in mine. You KNEW id see that. You KNEW id see you talking shit and id square the fuck up. You are such a fucking manipulative person I cant even.
I can't help but roll my eyes whenever I see someone make the excuses I used to for people like my ex. It's worse when I see them blameing themselves for something thats not really their fault. Abuse really is a hell of a thing. It really can fuck someone up.
Ive been seeing all the classics lately you know? The "oh its my default I have this feeling." And the "my feelings are stupid" and the "oh they've done nothing wrong. I'm just overreacting" ah the classics.
Honestly I just want to scoop these people up amd say "it's going to be ok" but also I want to shake them amd say "stop it!"
I know nothing I say will be belived by anyone on this stupid website but I want to help these people. I want to warn people "nope that's a bad man." But I know from experience that'll never work. I never listened to anyone until it was too late. I'm lucky I got out before it was really too late cuz I was so ready to be a married man with him. I would never have gotten out if I had married him and moved all the way to Florida or Kentucky. God it's terrifying to think about.
But here I am actually seeing a real life with my love. I've never had such a vivid picture of what my life will be like. I know how we are going to raise our kids I know everything I want at our wedding. I know that I want to be by his side as one of is takes our last breaths. I can't imagine a future without him. That's incredibly cheesy but it's entirely true.
Anyway now that I've ranted I'm going to bed. Work at 6 am and its almost 12. Lol.
I swear to god if this girl doesnt give me the twenty I gave her back or the info I need to unlock this phone I'm gonna flip. I need one or the other. If you sell a phone you need to be able to unlock it for mr or I want my money back. Sell it to someone else but if I cant use the fucking thing then I'm getting my money back.
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