Ciel remained still for a moment or two before giving a faint nod in response to Sebastian's aid. He hated that this experience had the effect that it did on him and that the devil of a man had such a powerful hold on his consciousness. This case was no doubt the worst one he had worked on and its end couldn't come fast enough. He couldn't wait to shut the folder, turn it in, and be done with this chapter in his life. Having Sebastian around and seemingly wanting to help made him feel a bit better even though it was somewhat strange. It wasn't like Sebastian to offer his charge an easy way out, he typically took pride in dropping the boy into a sticky situation and letting him claw his way out of it. The change was kind of nice, especially with such sensitive material as this. Ciel figured he was just trying to preserve his meal and not get him sent to Bethlam for a break in reality.
After what felt like forever, Ciel finally raised his gaze to meet the demon's eyes, looking into them as he tightened his grip a bit on Sebastian's coat sleeve. It was strange to see the somewhat-concerned look in them instead of his typical predatory one. Still, it was a nice change.
"I find it rather amusing. You fear a human, when you have control over a monster." Sebastian said. "I believe he sees you as nothing more than a lucky child. Which will be his undoing. Now, then. Let us work over everything slowly. Together. What do say, master? Do you want him hiding in the corners of your mind your whole life? Or would you rather be able to move past this? You have the ability to do so, if you want to. If you are brave enough." He moved the hand away, "I have never seen you as a coward. I would hate to start now. I think it is time you stopped trying to his from your own thoyghts, don't you?" He looked into the blue eye, even if Ciel still refused to make eye contact. He was not going to leave Ciel like this. Even if the boy fell behind in his work.
Ciel looked away again as he listened to Sebastian silently, keeping his grip on the demon's jacket sleeve. He was aware Sebastian was right and that he would always be protected, but there was still that underlying fear. Never in his life had the boy truly been afraid of anything but it was so different when it came to Lord Whitehill. Those images, those memories, that he couldn't shake were caused by one person: him. It would be so incredibly difficult to look that devil in the face and pretend he didn't have an ounce of fear in him. But was it that man or that place that frightened him? He didn't have a true answer for that but knew he would find out soon.
[+blue "...No,"] Ciel answered quietly. His gaze still didn't meet Sebastian's but it was closer than it had been the past ten minutes. [+blue "...I regret nothing."]
"Young master.... wouldn't you find it unnerving to learn you were outsmarted by someone younger? You were force to grow up faster than you should have. You have a brilliant head," something that sebastian was rather proud of, as he had assisted in expanding his masters knowledge. Dealing with a demon who seemed to enjoy twisting everything for his personal amusment certainly forced the boy to take everything into accout. "Perhaps your memories will give you a clue. Everyone has something to fear. You were not suppose to live. Who knows what he said during the time he was not tormenting you? Besides, you have a weapon he does not even know about. He reached up with his other hand, the one that held the contract. He covered the boys eyepatch, holding the boys face the same way he had when he marked Ciel. Only much more gently. "Either he has underestimated you, or I have overestimated you. Have have been bound and caged several times since then. Is there, truely, a difference between this time and any other since we met? I will not allow you to be overly battered up. You know this. Yet you seem to refuse to acknowledge it.... should I take that as regret in makng our deal?" Hopefully that last bit would give him some sort of reaction.
Ciel was rather reluctant to let go of the armrest, Sebastian needing to use a bit of force due to how tightly he kept it in his grip. Once the demon was successful, instead of grabbing onto the chair again he gripped Sebastian's jacket sleeve instead. He just wanted something to hold onto, something that made him feel somewhat safe. Despite his butler antagonizing those horrid memories, he was exactly that. He never felt safer than when he was close to him and knew he would always be protected.
Slowly his gaze lifted, the exposed eye meeting Sebastian's face but not quite his eyes yet. Ciel's small body still trembled a little and he remained quiet for a little while. He hated every part of this, it would be easier if he could simply walk into Whitehill's house, put a bullet in his head, and walk back out. The man was too smart for that, something he understood quite well, and knew this was one of the only ways to successfully complete his revenge. Unfortunately it forced Ciel to finally face all of those unjust and cruel memories he had tried to block out for years.
[+blue "...How?" Ciel asked quietly, his voice remaining in the quiet realm.
Sebastian sighed, watching Ciel. He felt bad, which was strange. He was not suppose to feel bad. If he felt anything, it should be dissapointment. He slowly walked around the desk toward Ciel. He reached out, grabbing the back of the chair. He turned it, so Ciels body was facing him. He knelt, carefully trying to pry the boys hand from the arm. He kept his grip loose, in case Ciel did not want to be touched. He also did not make him meet his gaze either. "You know I am right, Master. It is not how I wanted it to be." He said, "I will accept any punishment you see fit after you are well." He said. He was not enjoying this at all, it was clear in his tone. "Perhaps we will find some secret clue in your memories? If nothing else, a trigger to make the Lord feel what you did. Even if just a little." He said, trying to see Ciels face thru the hair that created a barier.
His small frame continued to tremble, the faint tremors causing his chair to elicit small creaks occasionally. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, he didn't even want to think about it. Briefly Ciel thought of running from the room but he knew that would be of no use. Sebastian would catch him and probably not release him from his grip until they talked about it. This was something that would happen whether he wanted it to or not.
Ciel simply shook his head at Sebasitan's words, swallowing rather hard again before sitting up a little more to run his hand shakily through his hair. His stomach was still complaining and the sick feeling refused to go away; the boy still refused to look at the demon and kept his eyes downcast. [+blue "I'm fine..."] he repeated in his almost undetectable tone while his hand continued to grip the armrest with a rather tight hold. [+blue "...I'm fine..."]
"Yet it is something that must happen. Wheather you are ready or not. We are nearing one of your targets. It would be unbecoming of me to allow you to be dragged to the level of a squalling babe. I know it is hard, I only do what I see to be the best course of action. I will not let this drop. Not this time. You will only dig yourself a hole of despair you cannot hope to climb out of." He said wishing Ciel would look at him. He dared not force him. He he was being cruel, however the demon did not specialize in 'gentle.' "You are not well, you have not been, and you will never truly be until you confront this. Ready or not, the time is now." He narrowed his eyes. He was doing this because he cared. The tone Ciel held actually hit a nerve, making Sebastian want to apologize and hold him tight. He could not back down now that he had started though.
Ciel swallowed hard, staring down at the small plate with the disformed slice of pie on it. Sebastian's words had his stomach in knots; if the boy had any sense of hunger before this it was completely gone now. He could still see that place, the room vivid in his memory, and remembered each of the faces of the children that had passed before him. He remembered the screams and cries of those around him and the terrible pain he felt through his entire, small body. He could recall every horror that was done against him and still feel the sting of each one.
Those were the memories that would never fade away.
He began to tremble a little, moving his head down in the palm of his hand so it covered his eyes, and shut them tightly while his other hand had moved from the desk top to silently grip the armrest of his chair. Why was Sebastian doing this? To break him out of the darkness he had found himself in? He didn't understand, he couldn't. If things like this had happened to the demon when he once retained human form, it was so long ago it was almost irrelevant. Instead of bringing it up, Ciel chose to keep it in the back of his mind to possibly use later.
[+blue "Stop it,"] he whispered quietly. Almost all authority had fallen from his voice, the volume so low only trained ears could hear it. [+blue "I...I don't want to talk about this anymore...."]
Sebastian sighed, "you are being too stubborn. What will it take, I wonder?" He asked. "Perhaps I am over reacting. However, this is very serious. Yet, I think you would rather run and hide. It will get you nowhere. I may not know the details, but I can guess. Beaten, starved to the point you wanted to die? Then force fed slop thru a funnel? Why didn't you die? You could have before they deemed you ready for sacrifice. You were so weak when we met, but you still stood on your own. What happened to that strength?" He pressed. He studied humans for a long time. He had lists upon lists of different, vile things he saw humans do to each other. He, himself had committed vile crimes. "How many died around you. While you were powerless to do anything?" He actually felt bad, forcing such things out into the open. The boy was rightfully scarred. Mentally and physically. However, he did not want Ciel to suffer anymore. It was time to kindle the rage, but first it seemed he had to uproot the base of his fear.
Ciel kept his gaze averted, refusing to meet Sebastian's eyes. He was actually quite skilled at lying and manipulation but it had never worked with the demon and he didn't really expect it to. Still, he was afraid to look up; it felt like if their eyes finally met his butler could see everything he was feeling and each thought running through his mind. It was best not to go down that road and, in order to do that, he refused to look up at him. Instead he continued to toy with his food instead of eating it, picking out pieces of apple and pushing them around.
[+blue "I won't embarrass myself,"] Ciel protested quietly. He kept in his somewhat slouched position, chin still held in the palm of his hand. The demon was correct in the fact that he wasn't acting like himself. The dark swirling thoughts just wouldn't go away, forcing him to relieve those memories every few minutes. He didn't like to think about it nor talk about it and secretly hoped his butler would leave it alone. Ciel knew that was unlikely, however, as Sebastian was worried for his well being. The butler had learned well that when he refused desserts or didn't complain about small servings that something was quite wrong.
[+blue "You're looking too far into it, I'm fine. Just tired, I guess."]
"You would not, until it was too late. Young master...." He sighed, "I wanted to avoid this, but you are unbelievably stubborn. I have no choice but to talk to you about the subject. You are not behaving like yourself. If you were, you would have been dissapointed by the size of that slice." He gave the sweet a pointed look. "If I have to dog your steps, I will." He threatened. "You must really think me to be a poor fool if you think you can lie to me." He said, not actually insulted in the slightest. "You have controlled me rather well these past few years. I would hate to watch you embarrass yourself in front of our allies." It was a light threat, but he did not want to go thru the other option he thought might work. He did not want to reveal that much about himself. Not yet, anyway.
[+blue "I have come to terms with it,"] Ciel lied quietly, reaching over to set the quill in the holder while avoiding eye contact with Sebastian. He knew it wasn't true, it was perhaps the furthest thing from it. He had fought so hard to repress those memories but now he was forced to see them in full daylight. Things he had even forgotten were becoming to swirl back like a dark cloud before a storm. He hated every minute of it; he actually felt like a child again instead of the proud adult he had imagined himself to be. He felt as if he had no control over the situation, sometimes even forgetting that the demon would be there to save him in the end...just like last time. It didn't help his anxiety level much, however, and it seemed to be growing with each passing minute.
Ciel continued to avert his eyes from Sebastian, reaching over and pulling the plate a bit closer. Instead of eating just yet, he instead picked up the fork and toyed with the top of the crust. [+blue "I wouldn't consider me a threat to myself."]
Sebastians eyes flared briefly and narrowed, something Ciel missed since he looked away.The demon did not budge, however Ciels words did alarm him. Was that just a passing comment, or had his master actually thought of suicide? "Young master, please." Sebastian requested, gesturing toward the pie. "I need you to be of sound mind." He said, saying it straight out. Saying it with fancy, twisted words was doing nothing, letting Ciel think on his own had the same affect. His tone had even softened, the sharp edge of irritation turned into concern. He bent, reaching across the desk for the paper. "This. Your nightmares. They will not end until you come to terms with it. I know it is easier said than done." The demon stated softly, almost like he knew from experiance, placing the paper in front of Ciel as well. "Unfortunatly, you no longer have the liberty to run and hide. I will protect you from any outward threat. However, I cannot protect you from yourself."
The boy remained in his half-slouched position, his chin in his hand, and slowly looked up at the demon. He made it perfectly clear with his behavior that he wasn't leaving until at least a bite was taken but still Ciel didn't move to do so. The thought of eating anything made his stomach churn painfully, just looking at it made his nausea grow. Still, he knew his butler was doing his job, what he was contracted to do, and didn't hold his demands against him.
He just wished this was all over with.
Waiting was the worst part. Not having a set date and time didn't help much but all he could do in the meantime was relive those horrid memories over and over again while each round made him feel ill. If he was this stressed now he couldn't imagine how awful it would be on that day.
[+blue "Harming myself?"] he mumbled quietly, letting his gaze drop back down to the paper as he wrote a few more words out. [+blue "You make it sound like I'm slitting my wrists. Admittedly it's not a bad alternative to going back to that hell again. I'm just not hungry, my stomach aches."]
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