My Jounal

/ By Knight- [+Watch]

Replies: 39 / 184 days 1 hours 19 minutes 25 seconds

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  1. [Allowed] Ushisama



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[center [+red So Bandit chewed the power cord no video games till we figure that out. Watching videos online with Juzi learning more about the job. Sometimes I get worried I'll mess up but 80% of the time the job isn't too stressful. Two hundred dollars a week while not paying rent as I'm living in a truck isn't bad. 800 A month about my third week I will send 400 dollars back home for my family. 200 Dollars to eat for two weeks is easy just gotta get reasonable fast food and keep up my exercises and personal hygiene. I'll get in the swing of this better in time playing games online is fun. Afraid to play with friends on mic as I may have to drop on a moments notice. ]]

[center [+red I miss talking to many people but texting those really close to me still. While catching up with my old pal Joey.]]

[center [+red Been having such weird dreams so has Juzi hasn't started for us since the trip started. My dream last night was the oddest I was back home and typing to Lance. He even had his current username it was weird I think he finally laughed at one of my jokes?]]

[center [+red Not sure but yeah I was very happy even woke up half awake and dozed off to the same dream. In the same convo I woke up pulled out my computer and almost typed to him.]]

[center [+red It was so close I almost sent him a PM before I realized I was in a truck haha. I was only confused for like half a second before Juzi said good morning and I was like. "Pfft oh yeah Lance hates me" kidding kidding I was more like. "Oh yeah on a roadtrip whoops"]]

[center [+red I wouldn't have been too distraught if he would have wrote. "Fuck you we aren't friends you suck cause blahblah this and that" I'm not quiet as fragile as I once was. Perhaps it doesn't mean a lot coming from him. Not that I don't care about him he just hates me for stuff he's done exactly the same and in some cases even worse. It's hard to take his insults seriously. That being said I do care about the lad in an odd sort of way.]]

[center [+red Though I've stopped PM'ing him may change my profile to have one less thing related to him. I won't save it either because I won't horde anything else from him. I've moved on at least from a romantic standpoint I have. As a person I still care about him deeply but I know to walk away.]]


[center [+red I even wondered if gaming with him was a good idea? I figured since I told Sherry I would. I will but I don't want David there. I'd be embarrassed if Lance tried saying something rude or sassy or being harsh or dramatic to me in front of David. He was like that even when we were dating I only figure what it'd be like him trying to embarrass me and make me look bad. David is a guy I really look up too and I'd just wanna die at how together his life is compared to me. Bringing an ex who "tolerates me" in the group. I'd just look so desperate and honestly stupid. Unless Lance wouldn't make it obvious ]]


[center [+red So him me and Sherry can play. Sherry has seen some way more embarrassing things plus she's friends with Lance. She wouldn't judge Lance for his rude behavior like David would. I could see her not noticing or just plowing through talking about something else that's just how Sherry is. I'd be more comfortable that way.]]

[center [+red Though I doubt Lance will be getting a PS4 like ever cause he's just got so much hard stuff going on. Getting a job money problems in life that make me even go oof and I'm poor. I'm blessed and lucky I got a job finally ]]


[center [+red Writing outta boredom cause no games and Juzi can't watch videos cause he's driving.]]

[center [+red The closure with Monique? The best it's fucking awesome. Jill and me not fighting? Her not messing with my stuff? The best.]]

[center [+red Me and Raqueal still getting to be friends even after some bumps in the road again the freaking best. Me and Juzi working together well as partners? AWESOME. Me and Joey talking Monster HUnter? Hell yeah! Maybe visiting David and some friends on the road? YES AND YES.]]

[center [+red Getting to send money back and help my family? HELL YES. I just miss having time for everyone but this is the best route for sure. When I get faster at my job and learn the ropes I'll have time for everybody. Part of me wants to stay on the road! Here I thought I'd be a house husband but idk anymore. If I could become an actual driver? 800 Dollars... A WEEK. 3200 Dollars a month I could be a real sugar daddy than.]]

[center [+red God I wanna save up and help so many people after I help my family. Monique/Jill and David and his baby god I wanna help David and his baby. Monique I wanna pay back and Jill too and Fallyn? I wanna SPOIL Fallyn.]]

[center [+red Hell I wanted to donate for Lance's transformation phase help him get a PS4 to relax with stress out less. He said sure at first free money is free money even from a guy like me. Though he changed his mind due to hating me. Hates me so much won't take money from me. Stings not that I was trying to buy his affection I know that doesn't work. Not a jab at you Jill I know your reading this we've grown past a lot of that. I'm glad your maturing too we still have things to learn and grow but your trying and doing just fine. ^w^]]

[center [+red Yeah even had a good talk with someone that I guess was an old enemy here on ES? Said something about we were once friends? The problem was beyond a click of friends a personal history? How could I forget? What was it? Is she mistaken? Me? I don't know but I learned she joined my chat to simply be polite and tolerated me for the same reason.]]

[center [+red For her "I'm an asshole and know it" attitude I actually think she is a nice person. I can openly admit that even if she dislikes me. I think unlike the whole Lance thing she may have a non hypocritcal and legitmate reason to dislike me. Even if I don't remember it I made a lot of emotional and impulsive choices as a teenager or even a few years back. Lettng toxicity stay far too long and affect my choices. Losing control of who I wanted to be so I can't blame her for it. Even if again I don't remember she seems reasonable.]]

[center [+red I removed her from the chat not cause she was rude or spiteful. I found her to be very polite and mature despite her thoughts on me it was a pleasant enough conversation. At first I thought she frustrated me as I expressed to Mun. Though I took a step back on and fairly thought on it. I realized I was frustrated because by tolerating me I had become a charity case in this persons life.]]

[center [+red I hate that not her but being a charity case. Kindness to be polite to be contempt in my presence. I rather someone be happy on their own path. Than be miserable talking to me so that was why I removed her. A fiery girl that fights her demons as best she can. Even when I thought I disliked her. ]]

[center [+red I always kinda rooted for her reading her journal. It's weird but I have this story I wanted to right with a heroine instead of a hero and this character is oddly similar to her. Fiery but an emotional side with a miffed up sense of humor to push on through. I guess what I'm saying is for someone I hardly know she seems super cool. If I believed in past lives and that shit I'd have believed in a past life we were friends. I kinda always wanted a sister like that. Speaking of which may reach out to my actual sister here soon but that's a can of worms for another post oh boy.]]

[center [+red I got side tracked but what I was saying was I didn't want to add to her problems. I gave her a few essay long PM's explaining why I removed her and such. She's always free to be my friend one day if she wants but I'd 99% sure it won't happen.]]

[center [+red I'm honestly okay with that I'd be a poor friend anyway being so busy atm. I have penty of friends and stuff going on. I'd normally ramble even further but we are pulling at a stop here soon so I gotta get off and prep the truck. So I'll be here later
  Knight- / 35d 14h 10m 16s
[center [+darkred This is the most closure I've ever gotten from an ex. The most mature friendship and honestly just the best person I've ever seen handle this thing. The break up the fallout even the fight or rather the afterfight. Your just really awesome I wish talking to everyone was as easy as talking to you thanks a lot ^w^]]

[center [+darkred You give me energy to kinda deal with people's attitude easier. Can't wait to play MHW with you ^^]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 55d 17h 35m 36s
[center [+darkred I didn't expect talking to you again to be so easy but it was. How do you do that? Your just so much fun to talk to and always write so much. God I really missed having you around.]]

[center [+darkred Hope your doing all right today. Get to swimming girl I know you love to swim so make some time for yo self]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 56d 20h 6m 16s
|| Status: I’m really lucky to have you ❤️❤️ ||
Kɴɪɢʜᴛ || Tᴡᴇɴᴛʏ Tᴡᴏ || Cᴀᴘʀɪᴄᴏʀɴ || HᴇʀGᴜᴀʀᴅɪᴀɴ


Watch out for Panthro, he may be DoctorWeird using the account to hide and deflect onto others.


[center [+darkred I'll put this back after Halloween.]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 57d 15h 22m 47s
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plRQPAwxP2w]]

[center [+darkred Don't even like Family Guy but these views explained are very similar to my own. Maybe the views are more vicious and harsh than my own but I have my days were my mind gets this much anger toward the current affairs of today. That being said I've been super happy lately with only one thing truly upsetting me.]]

[center [+darkred My fucking wifi being so goddamn garbage I can't even do one quest with my friends DX]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 58d 22h 12m 50s
[center [+darkred How can someone so childish and simple minded. Get me to care so damn much?]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 63d 8h 24m 41s
[center [+darkred It's a weird mixture of being afraid to say the wrong thing. But feeling happy to talk to you again. It's strange your harsh words don't cut me as deep as they should. Not from lack of caring cause I know I care about you. Is it I don't believe them? No I believe you don't care you made that clear by coming in and out. ]]

[center [+darkred So why? I don't know why honestly it really makes no sense. Regardless even if a bit stiff I'm happy all the same to see your doing well.]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 64d 13h 58m 14s
[center [+darkred If you got a PS4 I'd love to see you play Monster Hunter with me and David and sher. You'd wreck me huh? Haha hear I thought you hated me! I'd 1v1 you so hard in Monster Hunter. That really made my day when Sherry told me that she has no idea.]]

[center [+darkred I told Sherry I still care about you so much and I wanna be your friend. It'd be cool to compete who can get more kills haha. I'd make a new character to go to LV 1 for ya. ]]


[center [+darkred I feel so much better right now oh my god. I remember telling you I didn't want you to get me a computer I wanted you to get a PS4. God that'd be so much fun!]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 68d 1h 42m 7s
[center [+darkred Never thought I'd say this before but Mun is really fucking fun to talk to actually. Maybe gotta see if we can have another Skype call sometime that was fun.]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 71d 11h 55m 47s
I don't know why but I'm feeling such a strong suicidal urge right now.
I'm feeling tons of despair.

Like I can't make those around me the ones I love happy.
I can't expect them to be happy instantly even if I'm trying 100% best.

Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance or a mood swing.
I should probably get a therapist or see a doctor.

I don't plan on doing anything stupid or brash but it still feels ugh.
Hopefully it passes.
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 72d 13h 2m 17s
[center [+darkred I love it when you message me when I play. It makes me feel so wanted and very loved. I love you doll thank you Jill for everything <3]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 75d 6h 18m 43s
[center [+red I had a lot of fun hanging out with Jill on this trip. I gotta write more about it later but in simple terms? It made me truly happy. I felt... Content this since of things are going to be okay. I felt kinda silly realizing I avoided the one person who didn't wanna run away from me. To hurt me... I chased after women who oozed a sense of. "Imma hurt you" hell even Monique called me out for it. It's true but now? Now that changes. Thank you Jill for everything <3]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 77d 2h 1m 16s
[center [+darkred Oh my god Joey came back on ES! It's been ages I missed the fuck outta that guy! I hope he remembers me from forever ago QwQ]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 79d 6h 33m 16s
[center [+darkred Deleted my post about you here. Only gonna write happy things here. Justify your actions in your journal if you want I don't care. From here on out gonna keep the topic off of you here. Also I won't be looking to see if you responded I know exactly how you'll defend and it'll make me shake my head. You'll learn life the hard way you didn't last time despite the mistakes you said you regretted. Awe well have fun with that ~]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 82d 9h 19m 33s
[center [+darkred Took a break up today and didn't go crazy. So much for me not being able to handle being broken up with right? I've just never been broken up with, in a fair mature with. With being cheated on or involving my best friend or straight being lied to etc.]]

[center [+darkred It was mature of her civil no cheating. Calm and kind very mature helpful even and not involving my best friend. It still hurts like hell hurts, even more, knowing I lost one that wasn't completely crazy. One that understood me and was willing to talk things out and trust and believe in me. One that wanted me to enjoy things and have fun! With video games and my friends.]]


[center [+darkred One that was loyal and honest one that didn't go back and forth and play games when it suited her. So I wonder what it was I did to mess it up? I'm sorry I just want to say I tried harder than I ever had before. Whatever it was I never meant to mess things up I'm sorry and I want you to be happy.]]
  Yatsu Chikushou / Knight- / 119d 8h 53m 18s
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