/ By CircusMonster [+Watch]

Replies: 19 / 1 years 132 days 5 hours 2 minutes 43 seconds

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Just a Journal.... I suppose you can look it you want... all I am doing is bitching....


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Alright. I think we've both said enough now. At least I have. I've calmed down and I'm over it. I don't have anything else in currently worried about. I understand now. At least I hope I do. I don't want this to ruin our friendship and I'm not going to let it. From now on... Let's just take what each other said and move on from it. I'm the one that started the whole thing and now I'm stepping back. I apologize. I know now and I know i should have acted more adult about it. Next time which hopefully there won't be a next time I'll approach you directly. I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings and to have stressed you out...

I wish I could explain why my mind works the way it does but I can't. I would like to go back to being friends. Good friends and just act like this whole mess didn't happen. If we ever need to revisit any of this we will when the time comes. As for now I'm content. I feel a little more at ease and I think i understand more.
  -Bitch / circusmonster / 1y 126d 4h 4m 37s
You said you didn't want this to ruin our friendship yet here it is doing so. I told you at the beginning that I was scared that this was going to hurt our friendship! I didn't think our relationship was a game or a joke. I really liked you, I know I said that I wasn't sure if I like girls or men. I was talking about now currently.... It really sickens me to think that you thought I used you or pitied you. If I was justing to use then why would I bother to spend to with you? Why would I want to see you everyday. I wanted to be with you all the time I wanted to do things and go places. I know that was very hard since we both didn't drive.... If I was just using you then I wouldn't still be here trying to be your friend. I wanted to be close to you like how we used to be back in the day... I'm sorry if that made you feel differently. If you were being honesty I thought I should be too. Yeah I'm lost and don't like what I like anymore... What I was trying to say when I got envious of Suki was I wanted you to stay with me for a whole weekend! If you were able to do it with her then why couldn't you with me? I wanted your time too. I know you gave me a lot of it. It wasn't enough... I'm sorry it still hurts. I know how it feels...that is just the lovely thing about love isn't? It's messy it's painful. Yet we still desire it... I know I asked for advice about love. I do think about love for myself. It's nice to know more about it...
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 126d 4h 33m 39s
I will post a little bit here as well. I posted most of what I had to say to Kirai though. Yeah we had someone watching earlier. Just people digging for drama I suppose. I definitely gave that to them some of that today... Anyway... Take your time and sort everything out. Don't let someone else influence the way you think or feel. You are your own persona and only you can figure out what you truly want. Life sucks because its not easy, but its also great since it likes to keep us on our toes. I will say that I apologize for starting a fight... That was not my intention.. Nor was getting angry... I told myself not to post the first thing I did, but I just wanted to say something that may make you happy...

Then when i read what you said... I don't know... Seeing someone call me sister always makes me angry now. i don't like it. Maybe because I've been told that twice now. I shouldn't be angry because we use to call one another sisters before, but now I just can't stand it. The only ones that I have let call me sister are my brothers but that's because I don't have any weird feelings for them. I love them like my brothers. As for you... I suppose I never really loved you like a sister. I think it may have always ran deeper than that. Back then I didn't really know myself as well though. I didn't want to be anymore different than I already was. Now I guess I have kind of figured myself out and I don't care what other people think.

Look at these walls of texts... These would practically be sheets and sheets of notebook paper... Jeez. Next time anything like this comes up it may be better to just speak about it in person and be calm about it. Believe it or not... Calm does exist for me... Just not today I guess... I shouldn't be stressing you out. you already stress enough. I'm sorry. Really sorry.
  Ring Master / circusmonster / 1y 127d 20m 21s
I don't think anyone is watch now. Sorry I have a hard time post in there.

I only wanted to have connect accounts, and fake accounts because I wanted to feel close to you again. We reconnect so many years ago through this place. I wanted to do it again... I wanted to write new and fun stories with you. I didn't mean to make you feel like you do. I wanted it to be like the old days.

Your right I need to think... Think about myself, about my emotions, about my happiness.

I have more to say, but it will have to wait my mind is clouded.
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 127d 47m 5s
[+pink I know...Sorry I guess I didn’t know that and if I did I forgot it...
I won’t add anymore fuel to this fire... I have nothing more to say. I will always fear what to say to you. Your right it would be great if I was fool by you but im not... sorry to displease you...
  -Bitch / Circusmonster / 1y 127d 3h 44m 16s
You believe too much into what other people say and you shouldn't. Love is different for everyone. It isn't smart to believe what someone else thinks.

So their love life died. It was probably their fault. No one knows.

Believing someone who thinks love is fake is a stupid. It should be what you think not them. Stop asking for advice. You have to step up and take the bull by the horns yourself.

Please do not refer to me as a sister. I hate it. I will always hate it.
  Ring Master / circusmonster / 1y 127d 4h 14m 17s
[+pink I understand, that was my whole intention of cleaning Shadow's account up. I was planning on using it for complaints that I have. I didn't plan to use it for roleplays. Then I just got excited about the characters I had on there. Or my mind just went elsewhere. Idk it dose that a lot. I understand, I never meant to turn this account into something that just complains.... It was suppose to be for fun. I was just about to snap.... I was tired. My thoughts were running wild. I shouldn't of been as bitchy as I was. I have no right to complain yet there I was complaining.

I'm glad I am able to tell you things freely. I was scared of hurting you. Your my closet friend too. I still feel comfortable telling you things. I only worried about telling about my relationship. There was only one then one person that I admired, they are ass-chunk! -_-' they said hi to be the other least it better than glaring at me or giving me a dirty ass look... -w-'

I guess I should say I don't know what I like. Weather it's men or woman. I guess I'm lost on what to consider myself. I suppose I am okay with both but I don't know... My friend told me this was how she determine if you were both that was if you could go down on the... -_- Kitty well just say kitty. She told me before that she said there different kind of Bi. Like your really into. Then there your still into but as strongly. Probably Bi curious. Idk, the reason I like this guy at work was probably because he had a good personality.

He is quiet, but very polite. Or at least it seem that way... -_-' It's hard to explain but it doesn't matter it quiet obvious he doesn't like me. The one that I did date well I don't understand that... I told you that... Oh well -_-' mom said he was weird company anyway. You see I guess I finally got to feel the other end of the stick. To desire someone but they not to feel any desire towards you... Sigh

I had a feeling you might of still liked me... I was scared to know to the truth. I just don't want to hurt you. I do feel a sort of love for you. It's not the same that you have for me. It's more of sisterly, your my best friend in the whole wide world sort of love. To be honesty that might better than I love you let get married sort of love... All hear from my friends that I ask advice from is that love isn't real... Once you find that one all that lovely magic disappears... Your just chained to them by a piece of paper? I don't know what to think? If love isn't real then why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt when that person is gone away? Why?

I hope I don't say or do anything that hurts you. I don't want to hurt you or lose you as a friend. We have been friends for quiet some time now. It at least been what 10 year? Maybe more? It's been a long time.

When we were together I use to fight off envy as well. I use to get envious on how you got to slip over to Suki's house for a whole weekend. I know it didn't happen very often. It use to bother me. Not because I was worried but I wanted more of your time. That was wrong of me. I never told you how horrible of person I really was. I use to fight envy off too. I am a jealous person too. I still get jealous over stupid things... -_-' Mostly because I want to see you too! I use to get jealous of your dogs... That just sad. I'm a monster. Moving on.

I know how it feels to be trap. To feel caged. The more you deify the smaller that cage gets. It's hard to hold it in. It's hard not to snap and lash out. They should let you out of that cage sometime before you break out of it. I'm always here to listen or to read what you have to say. You can tell me everything your comfortable with!
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 127d 5h 5m 51s
[+pink Here we go again. If this is anything the weekend going to be like I am not looking forward to it.... I don't want to be awaken ever hour or 30mins until you eat... They should know better but they don't they are spoiled. I love them I really do but they are ruining my love for dogs. I'm becoming more of a cat person... Sigh I know I shouldn't be like that but I'm bitter if I don't get enough sleep...

.... I should be filling this with fun stories not.... bitter thoughts but there I am doing it again and again.... I'm sorry....

  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 130d 10h 32s
[+Gray I know, our fake account worry about real life problems. I didn't mean to drag them here... I wanted our accounts to be for fun... Sorry...
This account is also yours by the way! So don't forget that. Sorry I went over here to post. I just figure it would be nicer... not as messy as our other journal. That's the fun Journal except for what I wrote in there the other day... V.V'

I worry about you too! I hope you know that. Your my closest friend. Lol I almost spelt closet there ^^'. You help a lot by hearing me out. It's nice to know I'm not going insane. You agree with me that animal can just be little asshole? Sigh. It's alright I'm over it... I got a lot of sleep yesterday! I hope you know I will do the same for you! I will listen to whatever you have to say! What are friends for right?

My lioness were kind sad that I end up sleeping most of the day. Lol
p.s. I keep watching Shin-Chan! It so funny XD It knows how to make me laugh XD

- Monster
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 130d 13h 18m 54s
[+Gray Sigh, I never did get any more sleep yesterday 3 hour forty some minutes... I cry three time I was so fucking sucked but my coworkers helps me out. One of them bought me an energy drink, talked to me all night as we worked. One of them help me finished my work. I hope I didn't annoy her... Sigh. I guess she been under a lot of stress too. This week seems like it going to be long. At I'm off dog duty until Friday.

I hope those little monster will sleep...because I really want to.... I hope they will be home for there little angels...I know they probably wont care even if I tell them there babies were little assholes....but at least my journal can listen my cries... You do to Ringmaster...but like I said I don't want to burden you with my problems... But having you listen to me helps...I feel I go fucking crazy.... No seem to really care understand or care but whatever.... I'm a bitch and bitching about nothing ... No sleep mostly...

~ Monster
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 131d 9h 38m 17s
[size10 [+Pink It's funny how sleep can effect your thoughts... I'm so tired I'm just ready to snap...maybe after super I can finally get some more sleep but well see... Those dogs are so demanding and they don't listen to me...maybe if I slept with them on the sofa...but I just can't.... I love them dearly but I have a hard time cuddling them... There adorble but after seen them eat shit, lick each other eyes, butts, and ears. That cuteness seem to falter....

I know I'm just being a cry baby.... sigh...
- Bitch
  -Bitch / CircusMonster / 1y 132d 3h 36m 53s
[size10 [+pink I really wanted to write you something sweet. Something that would bring a smile to your face. A thank you, but sadly I don't think I can. I had a great time stay over. Thank you for having me as a guest. I wish I was still there.

I had a really long night last night and now the day seems to be getting longer. I really just want to sleep but those dogs aren't going to let that happen. One is barking at nothing. I let him out 3 times already. All he does it bark outside. I really need to get some sleep I haven't even slept four hours yet and I have to work tonight. Tonight is going to be a very long night. The sale that going on and the regular large orders. Sigh.

I really hope happiness with bless with it's grace again but I doubt that will happen... I just hope I don't snap and lost it...I'm about ready too...

  Circus Monster / CircusMonster / 1y 132d 4h 56m 55s
[+pink [size10 Just stay out this isn't for you...]]
  Circus Monster / CircusMonster / 1y 132d 5h 2m 14s

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