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I don't know what my next full time job is going to be but I am almost certain it is going to make me absolutely fucking miserable. I thought I would have my brain pieced together by now but everything is just completely void of meaning. I don't want to keep getting older and watch the people I care about die, I would rather go before having to witness any of that and live with the pain and even greater emptiness that is already in me. I want to fade out of everyone's memory.
I quit the acting job for my friend and it feels like a billion pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. With the stress of the immediate future weighing on me, I didn’t need any extra worries. Instead, I told myself I’ll put forward some time every day to either reading prose or writing it, keeping my brain sharp and working toward my own future. I can leave acting and the like in the past, it’s not who I am anymore. I need to focus on furthering myself.
I’m doing some huge media bingeing still. Finally finished Skyward Sword and it was the most frustrating experience I’ve ever had playing a game but there were some parts I liked. Now I’m on Breath of the Wild and... it’s like fresh air after it rains. Such a relief to enjoy playing a Zelda game again. Finishing Korra right now and then starting Gintama and uhhhhh some other western show, we’ll see. Maybe Batman: TAS, but I’m not totally sure yet. I’m reading Tower of God and am about 100 chapters in. It’s pretty solid.
Need to find a job but I don’t know where to even begin looking. Drinking too many nights in a row lately and need to curb that habit to avoid the old family illness.
Damn those Last of Us spoilers are RO UG H (bad). Oh well, maybe with context it’ll be....better? Or the events will be executed well enough that I’ll come to appreciate the story structure as something to learn from?
I dunno. It’s basic, but I consider it one of the best narratives I’ve experienced in a video game.
Finished Ocarina a few days ago, over halfway done with Majora. It’s good, but the dungeons are shit and make me not really want to play so much. The atmosphere is just what I remember as a child though, and the characters and events of the game world are the most compelling I’ve witnessed in the franchise so far.
Sleep has become something I dread. Not really because of dreams, haven’t had many of those lately, but the idea of losing control of my mind for 5-8 hours has always been off-putting to me, and when I think hard about it I resist the urge to sleep and stay up all night. One of the many ways in which I’m fucked up I suppose.
I know that I do not deserve to be loved or cared for. I have done too much bad in my life to ever be fully understood and accepted. But despite this being an unarguable truth, I somehow find myself admired and concerned about, and for those few who keep me in their heart I will carry on. My feelings don’t waver but I know I’m a ghost who will one day be forgotten about. I will do my best to care for you while you let me remain.
[i [center I'll take what I can get.]]
I want to have meaning, to be missed when I go. I want to be remembered
Finished FF7R and the post-game depression is real
and by that I do mean that the real depression I’ve had brewing for a while and simply put off by diving into the game face first. Really loved my time with it, enjoyed the cast quite a lot and it’s one of my favorite new games I’ve played in a very long time. If not for Metal Gear, I would say it’s my favorite game I’ve generally played in forever, but....
Easing my way back into my play through of the Zelda franchise. Just got the master sword and timeskip in Ocarina, so that will help me move on from Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others for the time being. When I finish BotW, I will start FF1.
I’m getting so much from playing game series in their entirety I think, from storytelling to character arcs and then just the mechanics that make up each one. Luckily I have friends on League and other games every night so the social aspect of those can keep me attached to reality, especially while I’m out of work for the next few months
Well. Out of sleep meds so let’s see how tonight goes. I hope you’re well.
Maybe I’m nothing, maybe I always have been nothing and I’ve just created personas round groups of people I’ve spent long periods of time around.
Who I was in high school feels like a stranger. So does who I was in college, grad school...
And now who am I? I’m not anyone. I just pretend to be more interesting than I am. The things I could identify myself as have all faded with time and now I’m just stewing away, taking up space on the planet until I’m not here anymore.
I hope I’ve amounted to something before I go
FF7R is awesome so far. I relate a lot to Cloud’s detachment and inability to connect with others, although I try to conquer my own... mostly to failed results, though
Caught up on both One Piece and BNHA yesterday, and both of those series are in really good places right now
Also finished The Dark Knight Returns, what a great comic. Miller’s personal issues aside, I see why it’s as significant as it is.
Surrounded by such great media right now that it helps keep my depression at bay, although I do feel that seeping into me any chance it gets. Oh well, just gotta keep going. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep tonight and stop being pursued by the past for a few hours
after all this time, to know that I mean the slightest thing to you is still an unparalleled feeling
I think I'd be fine living life wanting to die with you
Oh, the things that can build if you open your heart to them.
Not sure if I should believe in either fate or coincidence, but I am glad for whatever led me to you.
Did you somehow die or are you just ignoring me: my life story
Mm, my heart hurts and yearns for you. It's a long day. I wish you cared
but no one could ever compare to you and your lovely mind. I'm lost in you
Met someone new, but something tells me I'm not what they're looking for, haha. I never am.
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