[+red I don't care if you read this, but don't criticize me for anything I post.]
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Oh I love you so much more than I can stand. I hope the universe has plans for us
Will you ever care about me like I love you? Probably not, but one can die hoping
and then there are the nights like these where I very unironically want to die
Everyone should just leave me alone. I'm not worth the effort. It was my mistake to want to be involved with others again in the first place.
I am sorry for all of my behavior. I have been down for longer than I can remember.
Tonight is a low night. I am dreading what I have to do tomorrow... So I may not sleep from now until then.
My life is far too much for someone like me to bear sometimes
I just want one of my parents to be okay when I'm not around to take care of them. My dad is the strongest person I know but now he needs help... and I had to help my mom get to bed tonight after she drank too much for the fourth time this week. When I go back to school next week I am going to have no way of helping either one of them... This weight is getting to be too much. I guess I have nothing to do but keep internalizing.
I spend all of my time worrying about the few people I let myself care about, but it seems that when I stress over them nothing bad happens. I can accept that. If it's possible to take all of the burden of their worrying and pain, I will do it if it means they are okay. I don't have anyone to talk to, so keeping everything locked up in my head is the only option I have, even if it hurts.
So of course when I forget about my stress for a few weeks and drop that weight, bad things begin to happen and continue to stack up until it's cataclysmic. I'm sorry, Dad. Maybe if I hadn't dropped that weight for a bit, if I had just stayed vigilant and stopped thinking about myself, you would still be able to live your life like you used to and not be afflicted moving forward. I hope you find some way to find enjoyment in the things you used to again...
Me? I guess I will just add this to my weight...
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