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[size10 I've been pretending to be ok, but I haven't been ok at all. I'm just a bundle of stress, anxiety, and depression. Sleeping is hard. The thought of eating makes me feel sick.
I think, I'm falling apart again. I feel so useless, without a job. I don't feel ok at all.
I'm too drained. I want to talk to people, but it's a struggle to make myself. I don't think I can anymore. I'm sorry.]
[size10 I'm going to try and make rice today ! I just u-u
have to find the sponge so I can wash dishes u-u
this house needs cleaned before I can move out
I should get on it
get on cleaning and get on packing
I never filled out those applications yesterday
I meant to but -- I ended up playing games all day
Also, I wish I just had a bit more time to myself.
with him not working, I have no time for myself
hopefully he'll be working in the next day or two so I'll have more me time
so I can do the things I tend to neglect when he's around
I wonder if maybe I'll end up taking this whole month off, just so I can focus on packing and cleaning
it'll be a lot easier if I do too, because I can walk to my job after I move instead of having to rely on others
I fixed my resume yesterday
I think, I may show it to my brother and see if he has any suggestions
he irks me and he hasn't had a job for a while, but. he still has more job experience than I do.
it's been raining nearly nonstop the past few days
gloomy, but peaceful
makes me sleepy haha
I've been more relaxed
my anxiety and depression have been bad though.
Lately ... I just wish I was dead, because it'd be easier.
I wouldn't be stressed and life wouldn't be just a struggle to survive like it is now.
But there's still so many things that make it easier.
Video games, books. Music.
Things that let me get lost in a different world.
There's things that are beautiful in this world, like flowers, and animals, and thunderstorms.
But sometimes that beauty gets hidden by how awful this world is as well. By how hateful humans are and how humans are ruining some of that beauty with pollution, etc.
Maybe that's part of why I like Nier so much - it's a world that's been partially reclaimed by nature, and humans are subject to the whims of nature.
Out of the things I find beautiful in this world, nature reclaiming man made structures is my favorite.
[size10 If I had to describe myself, I would describe myself as a child struggling through adulthood. I don't think I'll ever be fully an adult. I don't want to be, in all honesty. Being an adult is stressful, and I need a break from time to time.
I'm stressed still but managing. I don't know how I'm going to get all of this money around in time. I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I don't want to be homeless. I'm a bit mad at myself, for quitting my job before everything was taken care of. For not saving more money from my taxes.
... But all of that went to bills, for the most part, and my job had me miserable. I know I needed to quit. It still just sucks.
I may have to borrow money and that isn't what I wanted to do. But it can always get paid back.
.... We'll see.
[size10 I want you to know that you're very important to me.
One of the most important people in my life.
I'm going to save up for a car and learn how to drive, so you can come and visit me and we can go places.
I'm going to take you out to nice places to eat, and show you some of the local places.
There's a coffee shop a coworker told me about and I have to try it. I might try it before you visit, but. Let's definitely go there once you're here.
I wish I could be all, "Come now!" but I know I'm not in a good place financially, and without being able to drive, I can't show you any of the cool places I've been to.
So next summer, I'm thinking. It'll give me time to get everything ready, and that'll be nice.
[left [pic http://78.media.tumblr.com/d2888a726ff3d7c86710933067d25bdc/tumblr_otbpg32H7L1vjx2nto1_250.gif]][size10 I think about you more than I should. It's frustrating and it hurts. Because I know you don't really think of me at all.
I've tried letting go, but here I am. Doing the exact opposite. It's stupid and annoying.
I'm trying to distance myself but it only hurts.
[size10 the anxiety of this final paper , along with knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow is crushing me, haha.
I'm going to start this paper now though. I have an idea, and I think I can run with it pretty easily. I've got the start of it in my mind already, along with a bit of an outline.
I'm probably going to stop by GameStop later and preorder Dark Souls Remastered
and maybe pick up Collar x Malice
I'm not sure
I shouldn't spend excess money right now , but it'd be nice
to have a few things
for doing so well this semester despite all of the stress
I hope things are going well for you
[size10 I'm very frustrated with people but ;; you already know that.
I'm frustrated but I also found myself thinking how awesome it is, to have you as my friend.
How happy just knowing that I get to be close to you makes me, along with thinking about how we became close.
All the letters back and forth
All of the gifts
the time spent playing acnl and monster hunter
and smash brothers
it was a lot of fun
I've had a lot of fun with you
It's been five years? or nearly so
and I'm grateful for every single year
heck, I'm grateful for every single day
even the days we didn't speak to each other
You mean so much to me, I don't even have the words.
The thought of our friendship diminishing has me tearing up.
I want to live close to you one day, so we can hang out and do what best friends are supposed to do.
Maybe we can start our own little book club !
and teach each other new things
I wish I could find the words to tell you how much you mean to me.
Or find a way to show you.
I think about you every single day
Every time I go to my Japanese film class, I think of you
I wish you could meet my professor, she's really nice and I don't know, haha
I wish I could talk to her at length about all the cool things you've done ! Like visiting Japan
and learning Japanese
some of the things I wish I could do but can't right now
I thought of you when I went to the cherry blossom festival
I tried calligraphy, it was fun !
there were little games there too
and a tea ceremony ! that was my favorite part.
oh , I wanted to share something random !
I found a new manga today
the name made me laugh
It's called [i [b Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon]]
I wish I was kidding but nope ;o that's it's name u-u
I don't know if I want to read it or not
I don't think I'll like it but
has me so curious
and honestly ?? it might be so weird and outlandish that I end up liking it
oh ! supposedly they're making a game for [i [b Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?]]
I never watched it but I remember you saying that you did ??
so I thought of you when I saw that they were making a game
[s [size10 maybe that's what I forgot to tell you the other day]]
I love you. Very very much.
You're so important to me.
I don't tell you nearly enough.
[size10 it was probably my mistake to think that anyone would listen to me.
My whole life I've been ignored so why would now be any different ?? I wanted to share a little but. I guess I'm not allowed.
Or well. No one gives a shit. So I'm not going to bother opening up anymore.
[size10 extremely exhausted, but. one more day of work until I actually have a day off. well, slightly less than a full day off due to a school function, but still enough to relax. I'm very excited, haha.
school is almost over, and I'll have to take an entire semester off, but I guess that it's ok. it'll give me time to relax and time to save up money.
I guess .... wish me luck ?]
[size10 I don't think I'll ever fit in with any group. I'll always be on the outside, looking in, wishing I could be a part of the fun. It's been the story of my life, since the day I was born.
I feel sad now. I just want to have fun with others, but I'm too unnoticeable. Too unimportant. It's fine. I'll just .... Pretend it doesn't bother me at all.
At least today was a good day. I had fun.
I still can't believe I had a couples date with someone. A former coworker. It was fun and I won Catan my first time playing it. It was nice, and unusual. I genuinely thought she'd have friends over as well, but no. It was just the four of us.
It still baffles me, haha
[size10 I understand how Yuzu feels. There may be something more but that isn't what you need. You just need someone to care right now and that's what I'm here for. A shoulder to lean on. Nothing more. Use me if you'd like. I'm not expecting anything nor do I want anything in return.
No strings attached here.
[size10 you made it obvious how little you care for me
I doubt it was intentional but here we are
It's staring me in the face
I can't even bring myself to think that you care even a little bit now
It's fine though
I'll be the idiot that always cares about you
I'm sure some otherworldly being sent me your way for this reason
Seeing how everyone else in your near vicinity seems not to give a fuck about you
I'll be here with my unconditional caring
No matter how much it hurts me
A blessing and a curse.
[size10 I am almost positive that I mean nothing to you. It's why I barely speak to you. But -- there is that part of me, that worries that I do mean something. That worries that those words may be about me. That worries that I may be hurting you. It's why I can't keep my distance from you. I don't want you to hurt. The thought ... It honestly hurts me.
Then there's ... You. I haven't heard from you in nearly a month. I'm scared my constant messages are bothering you. That you just find me a nuisance. I keep wondering if I should just stop messaging you. Surely if you wanted to talk to me, you would've said something by now ... Right? But. I can't bring myself to stop, because I don't want you to think that another person in your life has given up on you. I know it's hard to be social and talk to people. It can be draining. So I can't give up, because I don't want you to feel like you're going to keep losing friends.
I can never give up easily, and I don't get discouraged easily ... It's a bit of a curse, haha ...
Today, I'm just a bundle of contradictions and anxiety.
It's made it hard to sleep. My chest feels tight, and it's a bit hard to breathe. Wolf is snoring away, not that I mind. I'm glad he can sleep so comfortably around me.
I'm not so lucky though. I've been plagued by nightmares lately. And stress. My job is just horrible. I want to get out of here. This house is hell. I'm sick of the mess, but too exhausted and depressed to clean.
I'm fighting all of this, but it's hard. I'm not giving up though. Like I said, I don't give up easily. I may essentially be drowning, but I'll fight that too. Fight to keep myself afloat, and those around me too.
Because I love my friends, and if I can shine just a little bit, and make their lives a little bit brighter, and less bleak, that's enough for me.
I just want to see the people around me grow into even more amazing people, because I love seeing them shine. I know they don't realize that they shine, but they do. They've all come a long way, and they should be proud of themselves. They're strong people, and I wish they could see it.
It's not my responsibility to fix them and to help them grow. I can't, that's what they have to do themselves, but I'll be here with an ear to lend, a shoulder to cry on, and eyes to watch their backs.
Hah ... Went off on a weird tangent. I guess it's one of those nights. At least I'm getting sleepy now. I've had a lot of thoughts lately. Mostly of my job. It's definitely time for me to leave, after getting fucked over by my manager. Even if she finds someone to cover for me, the fact still remains that I've been treated poorly and unfairly. I won't forget that.
Anyways .. I should be off. But before I go, I think ... I may look into making a dream catcher, because my nightmares have been so horrible lately, and I'm not sure what else I can do. I don't even read much spooky stuff anymore, but they're absolutely horrible. It makes me dread sleeping, more than usual.
I just want some rest.
[center [pic http://78.media.tumblr.com/5e664e6ba0ede645f9543cfa8165b35a/tumblr_omwox7R7eq1w8qk0fo1_500.gif]
[size10 I'm very angry and upset. I asked for one day off. ONE. I haven't asked since November. I've only ever called off twice. I ALWAYS stay over to make sure no one gets fucked over. I have worked every single holiday. I worked all of winter break, and all of spring break. and the one time I want a holiday off to see my family, to spend time with my family, I don't get it. everyone else gets the days they want off. I never do. I am very angry. I shouldn't be surprised that you would fuck me over like this, but I am. I'm so fucking angry. I can't even go spend Easter with my family now. just because you got fucked over doesn't mean you have to fuck me over.
I'm just so mad, you let everyone else get their days off, BUT ME. I should just fucking call off. For scheduling me on a day I did not want to work.
but ... I'll at least speak to you about it. See what comes of it.
If I'm honest, it isn't worthwhile for me to go see my dad, but I know how much R loves to go, and how much she enjoyed Easter last year. I don't want her to miss that. I guess, if I can't go, at least her and my boyfriend can go.
It's just so unfair , that you'll give everyone else time off but me , haha
I hate this job so much ;;
[size10 brigitte is a babe and my new waifu
that is all]
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