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[size10 sad day. not sure why. or maybe I do. idk.
feeling quite lonely.
nothing is back to "normal" yet. I mean, it never will quite be? not the old normal.
it'll be .... a different normal.
things feel different.
there's a gray haze over everything right now.
not sure if I'm having a really bad depressive episode, or if it's something else.
I suppose time will tell.
I guess. ... I should try to be more social. not overly, because it'll exhaust me. but staying inside as much as I do isn't healthy.
not in the slightest.
I so desperately want to call off of work lol ...
I'm exhausted. They've drained me.
And I don't even get paid the amount a cook does.
When all I do is cook.
would honestly love to hang myself, but I can't own kitties if I'm dead.
Gotta look at the positives to living, no matter how small.
Need to remind myself why I should stay alive.
I hope I'll be ok one day.
I'm not so sure that it's likely at this point.
Maybe I just need more sleep. I am pretty exhausted all the time ....
Well, back to the work grind tomorrow. Until Friday. Then I'm free for two days in a row.
Hopefully we're hiring a new cook soon. I can hope.]
[size10 it's ok now. my heart isn't so heavy.
it's a relief.
just wish work would give me a break lmao ... dying on the inside from exhaustion.
at least the money should be ok.]
[size10 it hurts so much worse now.
Feels like I wasted three almost four years of my life.
I put up with a lot of his shit and this is what I get in return.
Heartache. Clearly he doesn’t value the relationship he has. Clearly I’m not what he wants.
I don’t know why people intentionally hurt others.
I’m genuinely not sure if he’s sorry for hurting me, or sorry he got caught.
All I can see are the messages when I close my eyes. I want to cry. I want to vomit. It hurts and I want to die. Would check myself into the hospital but it wouldn’t help.
I don’t know what to do.
One day at a time I guess.]
[size10 you broke broke broke my heart.
I've been crying for hours.
I never should've trusted you.
I just can't anymore. my heart hurts so badly.
hurts hurts hurts.]
[size10 I've wasted so much time on people that don't care about me.
I break my own heart by caring about people that don't deserve that care.
I'll probably never change either.
My heart's always going to be broken.
I'm not sure how I'm still alive, but I'm here.
Who knows for how much longer though.
I feel dumb, for believing that people actually care.
I feel naive for holding onto the belief that life gets better.
It doesn't seem like it does.
I'm tired of being here.]
[size10 people on here take shit too seriously
y'all are adults. block each other and move the fuck on.
no point in dragging shit out.
and if your friends were good friends, then what that idiot says to them would make no difference lmao.
[#ffffff [size08 given who the group is I doubt they're good friends lmao. oops, did I say that out loud ?? lmao.]]
working a shit ton next week. 6 days if my second job doesn't give me another day off lol. picked up a shift today as well.
It's brutal tbh. I'm tired. one day off is gonna suck.
but our cook quit so looks like I gotta pick up the slack.
a lot of thoughts.
lost a lot of friends lately. feels that way anyways.
bummed out but.
what's the point in continuing to think about people that don't think about me at all?
I'm tired of caring about people that don't care about me.
bought a switch. nearly talked myself out of it, but I do deserve it.
hungry. gonna get off of here now.
gotta go into work soonish.
[size10 nothing like having a breakdown on the floor of your work.
Also it’s funny how you still have me blocked even though you supposedly don’t have beef with me anymore.
[size10 finished kh3. I cried like a baby. probs cried for 10 mins straight. idk. I cried hard. the last battles were hell. worth it, I guess, but hell.
haven't touched it since I finished. There's a lot to do still but ... don't think I can bring myself to play it anymore. my heart hurts from it still.
I finished it though. means I can go back to xiv if I want.
prepping for dmc5 though. tumblr be hyping up V and I'm just glad my boi Nero is back.
hella relating to one of the songs from the game tbh. that's just me though.
trying to distract myself from kh3 sadness. and the confusion. my gods.
the master of masters is still a mystery. I've been given more questions than answers.
had a debate with the bf about whether the master of masters was a villain or not. still not sure. had some interesting insight on the old coot xehanort, but. don't wanna talk about it bc spoilers. not that anyone really looks at this besides the usual suspects that know who they are ....
so like only two people look at this lol
and a buncha randos usually.
well that's all for now. I'm sleepy.
went out today so ... social interaction is not really desired.
on that note.
not sure why my "friend" and I are at the point neither of us will speak normally to each other so idk. just fuck it.
I'm too emotionally tired to put way too much effort into something that doesn't seem to be important to the other person.
I think that's actually all.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ_Itr8UzMM [size10 here's a song.]]
[size10 you'll never be just the five of cups to me.
I do think about you a lot still. I never want to bother you though.
It's like our paths aren't meant to cross and I find it frustrating. We're running parallel, getting close but never actually touching.
The first card I actually saw today was The Moon. I found it the most ironic, seeing as I always use Moon as an alias nowadays. I don't think seeing it first meant much, other than the card wanted to say hi. And remind me to not forget who I am.
As for the spread I did today, I just. Can't get over the irony of seeing The Hermit, with how I've isolated myself lately. It just reaffirms everything I've felt lately. My exhaustion with work and people.
so that was nice.]
[size10 doggo keeps biting my foot. he is under blanket.
got weight of the world stuck in my head.
really wanna play automata again.
gotta finish kh3 though.
especially if I wanna play xiv again.
gonna preorder the game of the yorha edition soon.
don't care that I already own the game lmao
there's mentions of icons exclusive to the new edition so rip my wallet
I'd by this game 10 million times though
I love it so much
can I just give yoko taro my money ??
really need to take the time to learn japanese so I can properly thank him for making one of my fave game series ever.
anyways. enough late night rambling. I need to sleep.]
[size10 been a few days.
work was tough. had a double shift.
fucked up my hands pretty badly during my shift as cook. got a pretty big cut on my palm and a buncha smaller cuts on my fingers.
hurts. probs gonna be forced to take a break from my climb in ranked.
need new shoes. gave myself a tailor's bunion due to improper footwear.
hurts a little but meh. proper footwear is important !
well that's all I got for today.
a little sleepy.]
[size10 been feeling down and pretty lonely. it's whatever though.
tired. worked 6 days this week. not sure why my main job thinks that's humane but eh. it is what it is.
working a double shift next wednesday. not looking forward to it but hey.
more money for me.
that's all I really have to say.]
[size10 honestly I'm rather angry with square's recent treatment of a lot of it's bigger titles. kingdom hearts. final fantasy. super disappointed. xv wasn't what it should have been. they scrapped all the dlc I was really looking forward to. they misused lunafreya. and idk. I'm angry about the game still and the cancelled dlc. luna nearly had her time to shine but nah. they had to get rid of that in order to focus on other things. so I guess it's acceptable to just half ass a story now, huh?
and then there's kh3.... I'm just really irritated that at least two of the disney worlds are rehashes of the movies. looking @ you tangled and frozen. then hercules and toy story was just kind of .... boring?
they didn't bring much to the table.
and twilight town? you're there for a sec, and don't get to see as much of the town as you did before. like fack, I wanna explore the town and see what's changed. but nah. not acceptable it seems.
you also can't go to radiant garden. one of my fave worlds.
there's no final fantasy characters in sight.
not even a mention really.
what happened to cloud, tifa, leon, and the others?
and shit, they coulda added new ff characters. lightning, noctis. shit. I was excited to see them in there but nope. square be fucking that up to.
In all honesty though, I'm just heartbroken over kh3. I spent so much time escaping into kh2. I used it to escape the bullying, my parents arguing, and so much else. I poured my heart and soul into that game. It was there for me when I had no one. so ... to say the least, I'm just not so happy with the new game. the previous game made me feel in ways no other game had at the time. the new one doesn't make me feel that way at all.
at least, I have nier to fall back on. gotta devour all the content I can.
can't wait for the game of the year edition. Those icons will be mine. I'll buy this game 10x over, because i love it so much.
if they ever restock the black box edition, shit will be mine. I'm gonna set money aside for it, just in case.
should get myself a sugar daddy/mommy one day lmao.
joking aside, I'm down right now.
don't have much friends. just work all the time.
lack of money.
found out my manager at my old job passed away in december. I wasn't close to her, but it's kinda got my fucked up. she did help me out quite a bit, and Idk. you just never quite expect someone to pass so suddenly.
I guess that's all. not really feeling up to playing games so I think I'll sleep soon.]
[size10 hvn't posted in a while. sup.
things on my mind.
doggo headbutted me in the knee. hurt.
he's staring at me rn. so cute.
anyway. getting into it.
I keep considering trying to befriend someone, then I remember how much they've hurt someone I'm kind of close to. Then I get mad, and I don't wanna be their friend anymore.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but some people just aren't good people.
speaking of. I'm still angry about how someone else treated me. I'm glad I didn't stand for it, not really. I'd rather not be friends with someone like that.
Then finding out that they were talking shit about me behind my back? and being cruel to a friend of mine? Fills me with relief that I walked away from all of that.
Dodged a mighty bullet there.
Too much drama for me.
Well, I'm kinda done for now.
Off to Stardew. Then back to kh3 tomorrow.
And a day off on Wednesday!
[size10 lol the depression. awful.
lonely af too but whatever.
we all know I'm just going to isolate myself more anyways.
time for a double shift tomorrow. then working on Friday even though it's supposed to be my day off. well. gotta double check that tbh.
might not be working saturday though.
not much to say.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dt4y6jTyIs [size10 here]]'s a song.]
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