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[size10 lol the depression. awful.
lonely af too but whatever.
we all know I'm just going to isolate myself more anyways.
time for a double shift tomorrow. then working on Friday even though it's supposed to be my day off. well. gotta double check that tbh.
might not be working saturday though.
not much to say.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dt4y6jTyIs [size10 here]]'s a song.]
[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/QJ0sU7o.gif]]
[size10 today's my day off, and here I am. awake.
took a nap super early so now I can't sleep. things suck.
I'm so emotionally drained. I fretted at work all night , about having to get rid of doggo. Thought he could stay with my dad but. Obviously not a possibility. Since he was all "a place to live is more important."
but is it ?
sure, I have a roof over my head. but I'm not happy.
If I was homeless and happy, then that'd be an improvement.
I hate that people around here are so anti-pet. Like fuck ... Just let people live their lives. I'd rather pay for new carpet than not have a pet and be happy.
I wish people could just be understanding. or not care? I get it. owning properties can be expensive. You want your properties to be in good condition. But some of us just want to live and be happy.
Not fret every five seconds over money and keeping a place to live.
Is it even living at that point?
I hate all of this lol. I just do. I can't say much else.
Just wish the bf would help pay shit more. I can only push so much.
I don't hate him or resent him. I'm just tired and wish he would do more.
I'm tired of carrying the brunt of the burden.
And it makes me sad and hurts, because I love him a lot and I want things to work out and I want us to live together, but he doesn't help so that we can live together.
I hate that my thoughts lately are, "it's ok if we don't work out. at least I got to help him."
Too bad none of it is benefitting me.]
[size10 somehow landlords found out about doggo. unsure of how to proceed. want an esa letter by tomorrow. impossible. those things take time. even buying one online wouldn't get here quick enough.
why can't things be easy?]
[size09 wish I was ok. wish I could pretend to be ok.
I'm not. I can't.
money is such an issue. I wish I had a rich family member that loved me and would help me out lol.
that's not reality though.
I've been trying so so hard, working my butt off. I wish fortune would smile on me.
I can still hope.
Not much else to say. A million games I wanna finish playing.
Valkyrie Profile 2.
So much more.
I should get playing.
[size10 Me again. It's a new year.
Year of the boar/pig. My sign.
So, I'm hoping it'll be my year this year.
A lot on my mind as usual. uhhh. not sure what to say lol.
excited for the new Furuba. Also have decided I need to finish collecting Furuba. I was close to having all the volumes but I quit collecting them years ago. ;o I do love the story though ...
I also need to get Shaman King, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Soul Eater.
anyways got nothing else to say.
other than a little scared to actually buy books and put them on my shelf. so scared that we won't be living here, so I'll just have to move everything anyways. And pack again. sucks.
Here's hoping I can figure it out and they'll be nice.
Please be a good year.]
[size10 Another day, another "is this about me, jk it can't be."
if someone's talking shit, I always assume it's me. if it's potentially nice and reassuring ? nah. can't be me. gotta be someone else.
funny how my brain works that way.
I just really don't believe it. no one thinks of me. Not really. So idk. doubt it's about me.
I could never quit caring about someone anyways. I can't really wish bad on someone either. I'm not really capable of hating anyone. too hard in all honesty.
but I'm tired, I don't really want to say much here.
I'm lonely and tired and have a lot on my mind. not going to talk about it anymore.
[size10 I'm a bit hurt. A lot hurt actually. I've messaged you every single holiday, and haven't heard from you in months. You don't respond to me anymore. I'm not entitled to a response, but ... I figured after all this time, I would have heard something. I haven't heard from you in four months. I've seen you online. A simple ... "Happy New Year!" in return would've been nice... Or even better. A message that you're doing ok, so I can worry a little less. But you don't respond to me anymore.
It is what it is. I'm hurt, but it doesn't matter. Nothing is going to change, and I'm not going to worry about someone that can't message me at all. [s [size10 not too much anyways...]]
semi irritated that someone on this site seems to have a monopoly on all the good writers lol.
not true but some days.
It's just another thing that doesn't matter, because I'm hardly on here anymore.
Discord actually won me over lol. Not as much customization, but. It's easier and less toxic. I can much easier control who I interact with and who sees what I say, so that's very nice.
Finished reading vol 1 of Danmachi. Loving it so far, if I'm being honest. There's a lot of lore and interesting concepts. A little sad that all the artwork I can find sexualizes Hestia. Very badly. Makes me sad because .. She deserves more ??? idk. I just love her lol.
lowkey hoping for some lesbean action but. not counting on it when it seems like a harem series ;o
then again it is marketed towards males so ....
maybe I'll get my wish lol
anyways, still sick. not as awful but definitely still coughing.
gonna go back to playing the sims 4. attempting the 100 babies challenge.
I've got ... baby 1 so far lmao. gonna be a long challenge ;o
need to get back into writing. a little sleepy right now though. gotta work tomorrow. then the next day. and the next day. and the next day ....
jk I've got a break that day, but some days. feels that way lol. anyways, gotta finish up stuff for college and classes. need to stop slacking.
[size10 I feel like we say 'soon' a lot. Soon things will get better. Soon we'll have a break.
seems like it never happens though.
I'm not saying give up hope or anything just .... wish life would show a little mercy on us.
give us a slight reprieve on the hell that seems to be life right now.
which, I guess I have a slight one, not that I ever take it lol. supposed to have work off until the 2nd. But here I am, planning on going in tomorrow at 10am, and working until 6pm. Then I'll be working another job at 7pm.
Not much of a break for me there, but it's ok. I like making money, and I want to get caught up on bills. I'm close. really close. Just a little bit more of biding my time.
'Soon' I guess. haha.
Not soon enough sadly. I can hope I guess. I've been hoping. Hoping and hoping and hoping. I just hope that my rental agency is kind. If not to both me and the bf, at least to me. Because I've more than been pulling my weight, and it's frustrating.
it's even more frustrating, to consider that if we don't get this sorted out
if he doesn't get his shit together
then I'll have the cat and the dog, and I'm not sure how to swing that, to keep them from taking the dog. or my cat.
And I've just been feeling conflicted. wondering if I do actually have feelings for one of my semi close friends. Or if I'm just really attention deprived and attracted to him because I know he's financially stable. Don't get me wrong, he's attractive physically but ... I'm not sure of any of it right now.
anyways. not gonna sit here and try and analyze any of that junk. I've got laundry to do and games to play while waiting for said laundry to be done lol.
I want a break from adulting ....]
[size10 Christmas kind of sucked.
I'm not a huge fan of the holiday in general. my depression is certainly getting the best of me this year.
I didn't get much, and it hurts a little because I tried hard to make everyone happy this year.
I fronted most of the money for the stuff for the stocking, and presents. had to save a lot. it was tiring. had to work a lot.
and to top it all off, found out that my work will be closed until next year. which isn't too far away, but ... lack of money will be frustrating. supposedly they'll be offering hours to people that really want it.
cleaning and such. might do it.
wish I could just wave a wand and have money.
not feeling so good though. it's been rough lately.
not ... happy about what he said still. insinuating that he's the only one that could ever love me. or the only one that would comfort me or be there for me. it hurt to hear that, and it was fucked up too.
idk. don't have much else to say. probs gonna pop in my new game and watch Lucifer. not up to sleeping, just wanna get lost in games right now. forget my stresses for a while.
wanted to do laundry today but it's probably better that I didn't
I deserve a break, after working seven days in a row.
not much else to say. I'm just ... emotionally numb right now.]
[size10 hi my best friend is super awesome and I love him
I've moved most of my story stuff and characters onto discord, because who knows if es is gonna be around for long
there isn't much holding me here ?
I check up on a few people, but I mostly get on here to vent and write for myself
which I can do pretty much anywhere
got my own super secret server on discord now so idk
gonna keep to myself on there
tho I don't know how discord works so who knows if it'll still be there
was thinking something but I forgot
if I'm dating
the wrong person
he's so ... not helpful ? with bills and money and stuff
and my brother has pointed out that I'm basically dating my dad
which I never wanted to do
and I'm just thinking a lot
about one of my friends
I have a lot in common with him
more than just video games and music and movies
he likes to read which is a huge part of what I'm into
I love to read and write ,on top of playing video games
maybe I'm just feeling very insecure in my relationship right now
which really I probably am
[size10 Oh no, I posted in the realtime reply.
It's up there ^
But I love you again!! Good night!!]
[size10 well I'm done financially carrying your ass
well not done I guess. not until we're evicted.
or the lease is up. whichever happens first.
I'm just exhausted though. I've been the responsible one for the past three years. Always reminding you to do the things you need to do. I'm tired of it. I'm not your mother, and you're a grown ass adult.
I've been trying to get you to actually grow up for the past three years. You've made progress, I'm proud of you, but I'm tired of having to remind you of literally everything. At this point, it's ridiculous.
It's even more frustrating at this point, because you accused me of being overdramatic and overreacting. Yes, I know i can be sometimes, but that time I was not being. If you don't step the fuck up, we'll be homeless. Or I will be, since your parents always bail you out. I have no one to bail me out. No safety cushion. Maybe that's why you never get all panicky. Because you have people to bail you out. You'll never be homeless or wanting for anything besides video games. Because someone is always prepared to meet your needs for you.
I don't have that, unless I give up on everything I've worked so hard for. and I'd have to move halfway across the state. my dad is useless and my mom is far away. and I can't stand living with my brother for very long lol. so I have no safety net nor do I have anyone to fall back on. I have me , and that's pretty much it.
I guess it's never been that way for you. Maybe that's why it's impossible to light a fire under your ass lol.
oh well. if things go to shit, it's on you. because I'm just so done being responsible for you and remembering everything for you. I'm exhausted and I can't handle it anymore.
in other news. need my damn xiv sub back so I can do the starlight celebration event
because I love the christmas event on there
and I don't wanna lose my house and idk
there's so much good shit coming out and I miss playing it
also gotta save up for my kh3 preorder
gonna get the deluxe or whatever
the 2nd most expensive one
I just really want the steelbook and the artbook
the pin looks really cool too tho
anyway enough on that
cuz kh3 breaking my heart with the most recent update
I teared up a little
I wanna love her and hug her
like sry heichou but I might be making an aqua profile now
even tho we shipping the sora and riku together now
it'll happen later tho, I promise ;o
we be matching ships now.
p.s. I love you a lot and I was trying to figure out earlier how far away you live from my mom
12 or so hours but if I visit her, I'd be so down for visiting you too !
it's nearly time I get to meet you face to face and give you a giant hug
I hope I can meet Rosie too because she's so cute
[size10 keep hoping that things get better, but they're only getting worse.
I can't wait until Christmas is over lol. less to worry about. idk. it's late. should go to bed. I'm hungry tho. wanted to go to sleep hours ago but here we are.
picked up a shift today, so should sleep soon. gotta try and deposit a check, and withdraw money to pay rent lol. shit sucks. idk. tired.
bye I guess lol.
[size10 been here a lot lately
which isn't surprising because of how awful things have been
should go to bed soon, because work tomorrow
wanna deposit my check
gotta pay rent on Monday
wish I actually had money left over from what my brother gave me for rent lmao
had to buy the dog a crate because he tears shit up when he's left alone for more than 20 mins
and then groceries
and spent a bit on Christmas stuff
but it's ok
I'll pay most of it on Monday, and if I don't get it all paid, I'll just pay it with next month's rent as well
I think they'd be understanding since Christmas.
in other news, looks like I'm shipping lesbian shit on my own now
gots no one to ship it with me rip
semi bummed as well because someone I would love to talk to doesn't speak to me at all
despite repeated messages, both in a group discord and in private messages
so guess it's safe to say that they don't want to talk to me
they really only acknowledge the other person in the discord and never me
our own server has been dead since July
so I guess that's that
maybe I'm reading too much into it but idk
kind of hard to believe that I am considering everything that has happened in the past
not too into stressing about it
if people don't wanna talk to me, then that's on them
I don't have to be the one that always puts in the effort]
[size10 me again
guess I lied lol
looks like I'm not on my own for Christmas
or so he says
I've been too hard on him though
he's trying to help me make ends meet, and that's important to recognize
things are tough right now and I keep forgetting that he's trying as well
maybe it isn't his best, I feel like he could try a little harder, but he's still trying and I can't let myself forget that
he keeps talking about going back to the factories and I don't want that for him
he hated it there, it always brought his mood down
so I don't want that for him
there's gotta be something better than this ... right ?
I'm just tired of struggling.
ah well. worrying about it won't change much.]
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