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[size10 Well ... Time for full honesty. Or just. The full story I guess? I don't know. But ...
I had an episode today. In the past hour. It .. Was brought on by something I love. My favorite mmorpg , haha . Not sure I'll play it ever again ... I'm just sick of people telling me how to play the role I've been playing for a long while . It's been nearly nonstop at this point. I really don't want to play anymore .
Not the point entirely though ...
I ended up hitting the wall , then hitting myself. It's been a while. I don't usually have episodes like this , but it's been so stressful ..
I snapped. My boyfriend came , I think he just somehow knew , and managed to stop me from hitting myself. I broke down in tears shortly after. I feel like I could still.
I'm not very open about my feelings, or how much I feel like I would be better off dead . It's not true - it never is. It would hurt my family, and my boyfriend, and the people that know me.
I'm trying to keep my head above water, but it's hard. I don't want to burden anyone - I've pretty much isolated myself. I don't know.
I just feel very beaten down. I just want to break down.
I've forgotten how bad my episodes can get. I .. Never really recognized them for what they are. I'm not sure it'll change anything though.
I think I've spread myself too thin ... Too much going on .
I .. So much on my mind. The things with my brother. My aching wrist because my boyfriend twisted my wrist to get me to stop hitting myself.
I forget how bad my depression gets. Tonight put it in perspective. Tonight is also another reminder , that if my relationship fails, I don't know what I would do.
I've never had someone see me at my absolute worst, and choose to help me instead of throw me away. The thought of losing someone that is so patient with me and understanding is painful and scary.
The thought of losing someone I love so dearly is painful.
I don't know what else to say. My heart aches and is heavy. I wish I could be ok. I'm not sure it'll ever get better, even though I try to say it will get better.
But if people who have so much going well for them can still fall to depression, then how am I supposed to overcome it ?
I wish I had the answers ...
[size10 I just want to read books and play games. Anything to forget how [i dreadful] life is right now.
[i You]. You irritate me. We kindly let you stay here, because you offered us money. Haven't seen a dime, and on top of it ?? You're making yourself at home. This isn't your home. You didn't ask to use the medicine cabinet. Your TV is the loudest in the whole house, to the extend that Wolf can't hear his own TV. The [i one] time I asked you to turn your TV down, you simply muted it instead of being mature and turning it down a bit. Oh, forgot. There was a second time, where you just turned it down by one and thought it was "good enough". I can hear your shit in the bedroom with the door closed.
It isn't good enough.
I can't wait until you move out, but I'm not so sure that you're going to. You haven't put any effort into finding your own place nor have you even done any training for the "job" you're supposed to be starting. Not that you can start until you finish your training.
It's dumb dumb dumb.
But I got the job I wanted, just not sure when I can start. I'm hoping soon. I am trying to help make ends meet. It sucks, all this stress.
Only other thing I gotta report is that my girl Rinoa gonna be in Dissidia. So hype for that.
[size10 the stress is no closer to being relieved. a job still needs to be found, for me. I need to unpack. well, not [i just] me, but I'll still probably end up doing it all. I've been able to eat, but it still wrecks my stomach, no matter what I end up eating. so. much. laundry.
and, on top of this all. the boyfriend lost his job, due to not wearing his safety glasses. for five minutes. (supposedly). so now there is no income in this house, and so many things that still need bought, along with so many chores that need done. idk. I'm just eternally stressed. I've been moving stuff off and on all day. It's still pretty hard to walk, and honestly I just feel like shit in general.
[size10 I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. But not enough I guess.. I still feel inferior and forgotten. Ignored. I wish I'd just stop caring. It'd be better for me. Less stressful.
At least I have my kitty, and this moving think is almost done. Just 12 more hours then it should be over. I wish myself luck. I'll take a nice long break after this.
Relax. Play some video games. De-stress. I will probably have to isolate myself in order to completely relax but. It's for the better.. because I don't need the extra stress.
That's ... All I have to say. I'm tired and I'm ready to be done.
Just gotta push through.
[size10 I've been pretending to be ok, but I haven't been ok at all. I'm just a bundle of stress, anxiety, and depression. Sleeping is hard. The thought of eating makes me feel sick.
I think, I'm falling apart again. I feel so useless, without a job. I don't feel ok at all.
I'm too drained. I want to talk to people, but it's a struggle to make myself. I don't think I can anymore. I'm sorry.]
[size10 I'm going to try and make rice today ! I just u-u
have to find the sponge so I can wash dishes u-u
this house needs cleaned before I can move out
I should get on it
get on cleaning and get on packing
I never filled out those applications yesterday
I meant to but -- I ended up playing games all day
Also, I wish I just had a bit more time to myself.
with him not working, I have no time for myself
hopefully he'll be working in the next day or two so I'll have more me time
so I can do the things I tend to neglect when he's around
I wonder if maybe I'll end up taking this whole month off, just so I can focus on packing and cleaning
it'll be a lot easier if I do too, because I can walk to my job after I move instead of having to rely on others
I fixed my resume yesterday
I think, I may show it to my brother and see if he has any suggestions
he irks me and he hasn't had a job for a while, but. he still has more job experience than I do.
it's been raining nearly nonstop the past few days
gloomy, but peaceful
makes me sleepy haha
I've been more relaxed
my anxiety and depression have been bad though.
Lately ... I just wish I was dead, because it'd be easier.
I wouldn't be stressed and life wouldn't be just a struggle to survive like it is now.
But there's still so many things that make it easier.
Video games, books. Music.
Things that let me get lost in a different world.
There's things that are beautiful in this world, like flowers, and animals, and thunderstorms.
But sometimes that beauty gets hidden by how awful this world is as well. By how hateful humans are and how humans are ruining some of that beauty with pollution, etc.
Maybe that's part of why I like Nier so much - it's a world that's been partially reclaimed by nature, and humans are subject to the whims of nature.
Out of the things I find beautiful in this world, nature reclaiming man made structures is my favorite.
[size10 If I had to describe myself, I would describe myself as a child struggling through adulthood. I don't think I'll ever be fully an adult. I don't want to be, in all honesty. Being an adult is stressful, and I need a break from time to time.
I'm stressed still but managing. I don't know how I'm going to get all of this money around in time. I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I don't want to be homeless. I'm a bit mad at myself, for quitting my job before everything was taken care of. For not saving more money from my taxes.
... But all of that went to bills, for the most part, and my job had me miserable. I know I needed to quit. It still just sucks.
I may have to borrow money and that isn't what I wanted to do. But it can always get paid back.
.... We'll see.
[size10 I want you to know that you're very important to me.
One of the most important people in my life.
I'm going to save up for a car and learn how to drive, so you can come and visit me and we can go places.
I'm going to take you out to nice places to eat, and show you some of the local places.
There's a coffee shop a coworker told me about and I have to try it. I might try it before you visit, but. Let's definitely go there once you're here.
I wish I could be all, "Come now!" but I know I'm not in a good place financially, and without being able to drive, I can't show you any of the cool places I've been to.
So next summer, I'm thinking. It'll give me time to get everything ready, and that'll be nice.
[left [pic http://78.media.tumblr.com/d2888a726ff3d7c86710933067d25bdc/tumblr_otbpg32H7L1vjx2nto1_250.gif]][size10 I think about you more than I should. It's frustrating and it hurts. Because I know you don't really think of me at all.
I've tried letting go, but here I am. Doing the exact opposite. It's stupid and annoying.
I'm trying to distance myself but it only hurts.
[size10 the anxiety of this final paper , along with knowing I have to go back to work tomorrow is crushing me, haha.
I'm going to start this paper now though. I have an idea, and I think I can run with it pretty easily. I've got the start of it in my mind already, along with a bit of an outline.
I'm probably going to stop by GameStop later and preorder Dark Souls Remastered
and maybe pick up Collar x Malice
I'm not sure
I shouldn't spend excess money right now , but it'd be nice
to have a few things
for doing so well this semester despite all of the stress
I hope things are going well for you
[size10 I'm very frustrated with people but ;; you already know that.
I'm frustrated but I also found myself thinking how awesome it is, to have you as my friend.
How happy just knowing that I get to be close to you makes me, along with thinking about how we became close.
All the letters back and forth
All of the gifts
the time spent playing acnl and monster hunter
and smash brothers
it was a lot of fun
I've had a lot of fun with you
It's been five years? or nearly so
and I'm grateful for every single year
heck, I'm grateful for every single day
even the days we didn't speak to each other
You mean so much to me, I don't even have the words.
The thought of our friendship diminishing has me tearing up.
I want to live close to you one day, so we can hang out and do what best friends are supposed to do.
Maybe we can start our own little book club !
and teach each other new things
I wish I could find the words to tell you how much you mean to me.
Or find a way to show you.
I think about you every single day
Every time I go to my Japanese film class, I think of you
I wish you could meet my professor, she's really nice and I don't know, haha
I wish I could talk to her at length about all the cool things you've done ! Like visiting Japan
and learning Japanese
some of the things I wish I could do but can't right now
I thought of you when I went to the cherry blossom festival
I tried calligraphy, it was fun !
there were little games there too
and a tea ceremony ! that was my favorite part.
oh , I wanted to share something random !
I found a new manga today
the name made me laugh
It's called [i [b Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon]]
I wish I was kidding but nope ;o that's it's name u-u
I don't know if I want to read it or not
I don't think I'll like it but
has me so curious
and honestly ?? it might be so weird and outlandish that I end up liking it
oh ! supposedly they're making a game for [i [b Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?]]
I never watched it but I remember you saying that you did ??
so I thought of you when I saw that they were making a game
[s [size10 maybe that's what I forgot to tell you the other day]]
I love you. Very very much.
You're so important to me.
I don't tell you nearly enough.
[size10 it was probably my mistake to think that anyone would listen to me.
My whole life I've been ignored so why would now be any different ?? I wanted to share a little but. I guess I'm not allowed.
Or well. No one gives a shit. So I'm not going to bother opening up anymore.
[size10 extremely exhausted, but. one more day of work until I actually have a day off. well, slightly less than a full day off due to a school function, but still enough to relax. I'm very excited, haha.
school is almost over, and I'll have to take an entire semester off, but I guess that it's ok. it'll give me time to relax and time to save up money.
I guess .... wish me luck ?]
[size10 I don't think I'll ever fit in with any group. I'll always be on the outside, looking in, wishing I could be a part of the fun. It's been the story of my life, since the day I was born.
I feel sad now. I just want to have fun with others, but I'm too unnoticeable. Too unimportant. It's fine. I'll just .... Pretend it doesn't bother me at all.
At least today was a good day. I had fun.
I still can't believe I had a couples date with someone. A former coworker. It was fun and I won Catan my first time playing it. It was nice, and unusual. I genuinely thought she'd have friends over as well, but no. It was just the four of us.
It still baffles me, haha
[size10 I understand how Yuzu feels. There may be something more but that isn't what you need. You just need someone to care right now and that's what I'm here for. A shoulder to lean on. Nothing more. Use me if you'd like. I'm not expecting anything nor do I want anything in return.
No strings attached here.
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