You don't have permission to post in this thread.
[size10 I pretty much said my goodbyes.
I doubt you've noticed though.
I guess it's not goodbye goodbye.
just me distancing myself.
I just keep thinking , that it's weird.
I've never been one to believe in star crossed anything, but that's almost how it feels, for us.
It's a stupid feeling, but I've never been able to shake it.
That it'd never happen , or work out.
but , it's ok.
You kind of hurt me pretty badly, though you didn't even notice.
I guess that's what the problem was. You didn't even notice.
Or maybe you just didn't care. It hurt either way.
Regardless, I still wish the best and I hope you feel happiness and have good things.
there's a lot I'm unhappy with right now.
One thing more than anything else, but of course it's one of the hardest things to change.
As frustrated as I am, and as much as I hate it.
I won't give up.]
[size10 popping in briefly because stressed.
talked to mom about brother situation.
of course she took brother's side. as if my own mental health doesn't matter.
I suppose I can't be surprised.
It was a little funny, to hear her say if she had money, she'd send him some so he could get a place.
It's just funny, because this is his own fault.
but, he's always had someone to bail him out and enable him, so I guess I can't be surprised.
It's funny that mom calls it "helping out" instead of realizing that it's enabling.
He's always had mom, or his grandma. It's just funny. So many people enabling him, but no one realizing that's what they're doing.]
[size10 after arguing with my brother, my anxiety is shit. I'm exhausted.
step-daughter woke me up with her singing.
my stomach hurts.
I just want to be anywhere that isn't in this apartment.
I want my brother to get out of here.
it's too stressful.
it's not fair. I agreed to one month, not fucking three ...
and who knows how much longer until he moves out?
I don't want to speak to him
the thought gives me awful anxiety
I should've known that things would go this way
fuck me for being nice, I guess ...
I don't want his money, or anything at this point
I just want him to leave
I'd rather be working right now
I might just
even on my days off, which I only seem to be getting two of
but I don't care anymore
I don't want to be home, with my brother here
it's too stressful
and the stuff with my previous landlords
has me wishing for death
I actually thought about committing suicide.
it's been a while, but I decided how and everything.
just couldn't decide where.
I know I won't, since I confessed to the boyfriend, and he'll be watching me closely as heck. And since I want to live, for the most part.
I just wish things were less stressful.
Wish my brother would [i actually] help deal with the situation with the former place, but I should've known better. If it doesn't help him, then he doesn't really care to help anyone else out.
So. I'll deal with it come Monday, as much as I may cry.
Because, I can't count on him to deal with it, despite me asking several times, and I doubt either party wants to drag things through a legal process.
I hate things like this, but I have to do it to help myself.
because I can't count on my brother, to do what he says he will. Or for him to even listen to me, at this rate.
I'm ... very done with this, and will probably cut off contact, whenever he leaves.
for my own sake, because he's not good for me in large doses.
my anxiety makes me feel like I'm going to explode, haha.
at least, I've picked up the guitar again.
if only they made them a little smaller, since i have tiny ass hands.]
[size10 I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't upset.
I guess I'm partially surprised, by how this new pupper is turning out.
Didn't think my boyfriend would end up giving the dog more attention than he gives me.
I get like no attention lol.
The dog gets all the kisses and the cuddles.
Today, he tried to get kisses from the dog, by making the same noise he makes when he wants a kiss from me.
But nah, he didn't want my kisses.
Maybe this whole time he just needed a dog, and not a girlfriend lol.
I feel a bit sad, but it's whatever.
Who needs the comfort of some guy, when you have video games and books?
And sexy af fictional characters.
And just so many other things that provide me with comfort and security.
Think I might just eat, watch a video or two on youtube, and then lay down to listen to music. I'm feeling Brand New tonight. Ugh, their my ultimate favorite band, I could freaking cry.
my love for them isn't fair, especially after all the drama revolving around their lead singer.
but damn does their music resonate with me in ways nothing else has.
it's not even funny.]
[size10 I'm sick of being nice to people that aren't nice to me. I'm sick of being expected to break my back for people that wouldn't do the same for me. I'm sick of being expected to make myself uncomfortable in order to "help" someone out.
I'm really just sick of people at this point. A little sick of some aspects of my job, but it's so much better than where I worked, that I can't be too frustrated with things.
A lot on my mind, but I'm hungry and tired, so I don't really care to type everything up right now.
Just wish my brother would move out sometime soon.
Also, there's a dog laying on my legs.
Gonna be hard to get food, but at least he's adorable.]
[size10 honestly, fuck everyone right now.
"she's been up my ass lately! so mean."
"you need to be nicer to your brother"
"you can't play that without me !"
I mean not everyone everyone, but everyone around me.
I can't do anything right now. Get fucking yelled at for talking. Get yelled at for trying to play a game and just chill for once.
my heart fucking hurts, I honestly want to break down right now.
Fucking attacked by the mother, the brother, and the boyfriend. So much for family.
Only one person is really holding me together right now , lmao .
Thank gods for just talking about ships. So not stressful, it's nice.
I'd probably be breaking down by now, if it wasn't for that.
well . guess here's to listening to music and being depressed and angry for the rest of the night.
I'm pretty done socializing with my "family" at this point.]
[size10 I have so many pictures, dedicated to you and I.
and I don't think any of them show just how much I care and love you. You're my absolute best friend, and nothing can change that.
Even through the times we didn't talk often, I thought of you often. I think of you always.
We don't have to talk for me to feel close to you.
I know you're overwhelmed, for a variety of reasons, and I'm fine if we don't talk often. I'll always leave little messages for you. Here and there. Answer whenever you can. It's fine. It's always fine.
I love you so much, ok??
I'm always rooting for you !
I'm glad you're living on your own <3
It's such a good step for you, I'm so proud
you can maybe actually start transitioning
part of me still wants to drag you here, to help you transition
but I think my messy tendencies would drive you nuts ;o
I hope you don't feel like I smother you.
If you do, just let me know! I have no problem with backing off and giving you space, assuming you'd want it. >u<
I just don't want to be a burden to you. Or an annoyance.
You mean too much to me.
Well ... Late night thoughts. I have a headache. Suppose I'll head to bed, since the dork passed out awhile ago and is snoring.
[size10 my stomach hurts really bad. I could cry.
If I wasn't too numbed out.
He passed away a few days ago. I'm still so unsure of how to handle it.
How are you supposed to?
I don't know.
I'm not so sure I'll ever figure it out.
I'm not over the death of my step-brother.
I wonder if this death will hit me that hard?
I don't know.
It was funny. Yesterday, my spotify was working fine. Until "Change" by Blind Melon came on. It completely froze and I couldn't even see what song was going to play, until I restarted spotify.
too many thoughts.
wish I could just get some silence for once.
that's asking too much from my brain though.
[size10 my heart aches.
24 hours. that's all he has left.
I'm conflicted. about going to work tomorrow. about how much this should really be hurting me.
it hurts a lot. I've spent a lot of time crying.
but I'm conflicted.
he's not my family. not my blood.
not my relative.
but he was like one.
he was there a lot during my younger years.
I remember the super cool iguana he had when I was younger.
I remember getting excited when I knew we'd get to visit him.
he was like a crazy uncle to me. the cool uncle that you didn't get to see often because he was the black sheep of the family.
I remember how sad I was when he got in his accident that changed his life forever.
I remember taking the article of it to school for show and tell. because it upset me. someone I viewed as a family member, because I was young and didn't know how "families" worked, was hurt and I wanted to share.
I don't know why, but I did. probably because it devastated me.
I remember how it changed him, and how it wasn't so fun to see him anymore.
he wasn't as nice, or as happy. or as silly and crazy.
then I grew up, found out how much he'd hurt my mom and brother, and it was hard to like him anymore.
but he still meant something to me, when I was younger.
his mother treated me like I was blood.
I called her grandma. she still considered my mom family, despite the divorce.
and from what my mom told me, he treated me like I was his daughter almost, haha.
told me that when I was born, this man that wasn't even my father, passed out 'it's a girl' cigars, as if I was his own child.
it's hard to hold a grudge against someone, when you remember they've been in pain for a lot of years now. it's hard to hold a grudge, when you remember how well they treated you. the nicknames, and just the fun I had. I feel very upset.
I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight ...
or how I'm going to get through work tomorrow.
I doubt I can call off, because he's not my "family," and I have so few hours this week, that calling off at all will suck ass for my paycheck ...
I just want to cry though. I want a shoulder to cry on, or someone to scream to how much this all sucks and hurts. how the world is so unfair sometimes.
but I know me. I'll just keep my mouth shut, aside from writing about it in here.
I'm so sick of all the death.
I hate that getting older just means that people that you care about die more often.
I wish it didn't mean that I was going to lose my mom one day.]
[size10 a few days to live isn't enough. It wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting him to live a few more months, if not a few more years. But nope. Not even that. Barely a month. He may not be my father, but I've known him all my life, so it's still devastating. I still cried. I'll still cry.
I know I said prior, that maybe his death would be better, because he insulted my mom and was pretty neglectful to his own son, but. He was trying to make amends, and be a better person. It's unfair, that it's all being cut short.
I don't know what to do. He isn't my family but ... It's like he is in a way. I dunno. I'm mostly upset for my brother. He was making plans with his dad. Told him he'd take him home, when he was better, and take him to the zoo. It's really not fair.
I'm still hoping but ... It seems unlikely. shit can get better, so I'll hope. Going to see him tomorrow and just ... Hope.
in the meantime, distracting myself with bnha theories.
[size10 happy fucking birthday to me .
I'm being reminded why I hate people some days.
can I just ?? not exist
gosh I wish I could
but gotta work , so . rip me .
ah well . hopefully , it'll get easier with time .]
[center [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz_j7nVCJJ0]]
[size10 Well ... Time for full honesty. Or just. The full story I guess? I don't know. But ...
I had an episode today. In the past hour. It .. Was brought on by something I love. My favorite mmorpg , haha . Not sure I'll play it ever again ... I'm just sick of people telling me how to play the role I've been playing for a long while . It's been nearly nonstop at this point. I really don't want to play anymore .
Not the point entirely though ...
I ended up hitting the wall , then hitting myself. It's been a while. I don't usually have episodes like this , but it's been so stressful ..
I snapped. My boyfriend came , I think he just somehow knew , and managed to stop me from hitting myself. I broke down in tears shortly after. I feel like I could still.
I'm not very open about my feelings, or how much I feel like I would be better off dead . It's not true - it never is. It would hurt my family, and my boyfriend, and the people that know me.
I'm trying to keep my head above water, but it's hard. I don't want to burden anyone - I've pretty much isolated myself. I don't know.
I just feel very beaten down. I just want to break down.
I've forgotten how bad my episodes can get. I .. Never really recognized them for what they are. I'm not sure it'll change anything though.
I think I've spread myself too thin ... Too much going on .
I .. So much on my mind. The things with my brother. My aching wrist because my boyfriend twisted my wrist to get me to stop hitting myself.
I forget how bad my depression gets. Tonight put it in perspective. Tonight is also another reminder , that if my relationship fails, I don't know what I would do.
I've never had someone see me at my absolute worst, and choose to help me instead of throw me away. The thought of losing someone that is so patient with me and understanding is painful and scary.
The thought of losing someone I love so dearly is painful.
I don't know what else to say. My heart aches and is heavy. I wish I could be ok. I'm not sure it'll ever get better, even though I try to say it will get better.
But if people who have so much going well for them can still fall to depression, then how am I supposed to overcome it ?
I wish I had the answers ...
[size10 I just want to read books and play games. Anything to forget how [i dreadful] life is right now.
[i You]. You irritate me. We kindly let you stay here, because you offered us money. Haven't seen a dime, and on top of it ?? You're making yourself at home. This isn't your home. You didn't ask to use the medicine cabinet. Your TV is the loudest in the whole house, to the extend that Wolf can't hear his own TV. The [i one] time I asked you to turn your TV down, you simply muted it instead of being mature and turning it down a bit. Oh, forgot. There was a second time, where you just turned it down by one and thought it was "good enough". I can hear your shit in the bedroom with the door closed.
It isn't good enough.
I can't wait until you move out, but I'm not so sure that you're going to. You haven't put any effort into finding your own place nor have you even done any training for the "job" you're supposed to be starting. Not that you can start until you finish your training.
It's dumb dumb dumb.
But I got the job I wanted, just not sure when I can start. I'm hoping soon. I am trying to help make ends meet. It sucks, all this stress.
Only other thing I gotta report is that my girl Rinoa gonna be in Dissidia. So hype for that.
[size10 the stress is no closer to being relieved. a job still needs to be found, for me. I need to unpack. well, not [i just] me, but I'll still probably end up doing it all. I've been able to eat, but it still wrecks my stomach, no matter what I end up eating. so. much. laundry.
and, on top of this all. the boyfriend lost his job, due to not wearing his safety glasses. for five minutes. (supposedly). so now there is no income in this house, and so many things that still need bought, along with so many chores that need done. idk. I'm just eternally stressed. I've been moving stuff off and on all day. It's still pretty hard to walk, and honestly I just feel like shit in general.
All posts are either in parody or to be taken as literature. This is a roleplay site. Sexual content is forbidden.