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[size10 I am kind of at a loss for what to do.
I think that a lot of people don't have the capacity to listen to this right now, and that's okay. I understand that.
You don't have to listen to it either.
I'm just going to talk to this journal. You know, the one that I hardly ever use anymore.
I am having a lot of trouble.
There are a lot of things I should be working on. But I can't bring myself to do any of them. Instead I've mostly been sleeping. Or "not existing."
Not existing by thinking of anything but reality, yeah? I think you just need that some days, to not exist and not talk to anyone, to not think about the real world for a bit. You think of something else.
But I have been doing it every day lately.
I do it at work. I think I am really tired. It has been thirteen years probably since I've really felt like life had value. Like it was worth being here for.
And I realize that I can't keep it up. Things aren't going to get better if I can't make myself stay in the present. If I can't focus on what's in front of me. But how do I do that?
My job was starting to be okay. I found a team I really loved. The work itself, I really don't enjoy that, but it was nice to be with people who are funny, who are kind, who accept me for who I am. I came out to everyone at work and they've been nothing but supportive.
But the good things keep getting ripped away from me. The only way for me to accept the full-time position two months ago was to relocate to another department. I still get to see people. But I have to adjust again.
My life is always adjusting.
Now I'm not in charge of development. I'm responsible for getting the business. And I'm really, really tired. I like working with my friend, but she makes more than me, she gets a bonus, she often will do less work or slack off, and yet she tells me to "be more assertive."
But so many times it's not about me not being assertive.
It's just about people not listening.
And maybe that's because I'm just not really here. If I spend so much time not existing to myself, or to the world, it's pretty natural that I won't exist as much to other people too.
That my voice doesn't carry as far.
That maybe I'm just not as strong.
I'm just so tired.
Realistically, it's like... I just need to find a good therapist. I don't think this "just try to survive every day" mentality is going to cut it anymore. I'm miserable. Even when things aren't that bad, even when things are actually kind of good, I can't erase the suffering of just being alive.
And that's very hard.
But I guess maybe this is where I stop writing for now.
I should probably start actually working on my cosplay stuff. AX is in less than a month and I have so much to do.
I just don't even know where to begin.
I just want to keep sleeping and not existing for a very, very long time.
I will try to do my best.]
[size10 I'm sorry that I'm not around much.
Things have been really hard and busy at work. We lost our proposal writer, and we lost another full-time writer, and we lost the designer on my main project. All three things have impacted my workload a lot. I'm doing proposal work and project work, and I'm training people, and honestly it's been really hard.
I have to go in early often. I have to stay late often.
And I get so tired.
I also have to work on my cosplay, but I... cannot find the energy.
I think things will get better though. Today was pretty good overall. I have to go in early again tomorrow, but then it's the weekend! I'm excited for the weekend a lot! So I can hopefully sleep in, maybe one day go back to the gym , and just... relax!!
I hope you're doing alright!! If you ever want to talk, please do text me!! I want to talk to you. I am just so spacey lately.
I love you! Please take care of yourself! I hope you're still able to have fun on Saturday when you get a free comic!!
I may start up FF XIV again sometime when I have more time. If that happens, let's play together again! I would like that!!
Sleep well and sweet dreams!]
[size10 oh, I'm so sleepy.
I want to take a vacation sometime. I wish I got vacation time.
Instead, I'm always the one covering everyone else.
I feel lately like... I'm not a great person.
Maybe I have an ugly heart.
I am better than I used to be, but I want to be able to wholeheartedly support people better.
I don't know how to stop feeling bitter, or jealous, or frustrated.
Maybe some time off work would help. Maybe we'll see.
I'm sorry things are so mixy for you.
You are wonderful & you deserve friends who care about you.
You deserve time off of work!!
I really hope you get these things someday.
& we haven't talked about it much yet, but in already excited to roleplay, so！！:)]
[size10 I am... very sleepy...
Work has been incredibly busy lately, and it doesn't seem like things will slow down too much for the next month or so.
Maybe after that I can relax a bit.
I hope things are going okay for you.
Or better than they have been.
I'm sorry I'm not here for you often.
Please do message me any time you want! Any time you have the energy. Whenever you want someone to talk to.
I hope you sleep well!
I'm sorry this is a bit short. But I'll have more energy tomorrow too!!
I love you!]
It's really hard to live. Comfortably for myself and not feel. Guilty
Because I need to save my money
Save for the surgery, but I also need to save to support everyone
I'm the only one in my family who can do it
Because my dad is unstable
I have no idea what he'll do
And I have to be able to support everyone when my parents are gone
Because no one else is able to support themselves
It's so much and I'm so tired
And I've held onto this for too long
I wish I had a better life with better parents
I wish I went to live with my aunt in high school
But I could never go because I've always had to stay and do what I can to protect
And I can't do it anymore
I'm so drained
I moved out and yet still I'm here and I'm doing it
The only. Reason I didn't die
But I'll keep going on I guess
I hope I can sleep soon.
[size10 I am so so sleepy.
There's been so much going on! Soon I think I'll have a break, but man, it feels like I never get time to myself anymore.
There's always work, or there's always other people.
And sometimes I just kind of want to have a night to myself.
But I can't really.
Soon I guess.
[size10 I'm sorry I don't really say much.
My 2nd job is wrapping up though, I think? Which is nice. This project is, anyway, and I'm not sure they'll use me for much else. I think my contract on this particular project is over on the 31st. Next week is supposed to be the last week I'm helping with it, although this week is when we're wrapping most of it up.
I've been sick lately, but I'm getting better at taking time off for it. I stayed home today. I did end up working for most of it, but... I did take a three-hour break to get some rest. So I'm gonna do my best to just take it easy and hopefully get better soon. It feels like I get sick a lot lately.
I really want to play more games with you. And I miss you a whole lot. More than you maybe even realize! And I guess that's one me because I don't really say it. You're still my best friend. You're not gonna be replaced!
And please do visit me! Rosie would loooove you. She would be nervous at first because that's how she is, but then she would warm up and want to snuggle you all the time. ;__;
Also also!!! Please feel free to share your lesbian ships with me too!! I want to talk to you about all ships, so!! And video games. And shows. I want to know more about what you like! Even if it's just like a cute picture that you see and want to share it!
Anyways, I have to go for a bit, but! I hope you're doing okay. I will support you however I can! The world is really scary if you feel alone, but you're not!! You're working so hard, too, so please get some rest if you can... and please also do make your Aqua profile. I can't wait to see it. (*^‿^*)]
[size10 phew phew.
I've been doing so much lately.
It'd be nice if life would slow down for a bit. But until then, that's okay. I'll just keep making progress the way I am.
I've played a lot of Danganronpa in my free time. It's been great!
And my room is getting more decorated. I'll have to show you soon what it looks like now. It's really comfortable. You'll definitely have to come visit sometime! Please!
But for now, I finished up my work and now I'm tired.
So good night! Please sleep well!
Tomorrow is another day!]
[size10 Today was really rough as far as moods go. I'm wearing down again, and it's hard to stay positive.
But it wasn't all bad.
There was actually a lot of good!
It just kind of feels like... as you get older, I guess, the less fun and bright life becomes. There are a lot more dreary days.
But I'll keep pushing on.
There's still a lot of work to do, and I'm dogsitting for a week starting Saturday.
But after that? I think there's nothing on my calendar for the rest of the year. Thank goodness.
I hope you're doing okay.
I do worry! But I trust that you're still doing your best. I am here, always.]
I worked for about 18?19?hours? But I did it.
Ans here I am at work agaib.
Thank goodness that day is over.
[size10 noo, don't get sick.
The universe better not do that to you.
I'm also feeling the big work grind.
We will suffer TOGETHER i guess... And then friday will be good.
[size10 I really want things to turn around for you someday.
Your brother needs to pay the rent or get out! And he needs to help with the old bills too. This is wishful talking, but anyone who lived with you before should be helping you wrap up the bills from your last place.
That's just... the responsible thing to do...?
Why are some people so useless as adults sometimes.
I'm sorry your work has been so rough!
I'm sure things are going to pick up with the holidays, so make sure you save that money, treat yourself occasionally, and get as much rest as you can to recharge.
The sun's gonna come out, the snow is gonna melt, and then the world will be bright again.
I'm actually doing okay now. :)
Taking a day off work was what I needed.
Now I just need to get motivated to finish my costumes, and then I can just relax...]
[size10 I'm feeling a lot better than I have been, tbh!
I've been sick for 11 days now? But this is the best I've felt so far .
And I've made progress on my cosplay.
I'm excited for the con!
I don't know if I told you, but I'm cosplaying Protag/Minato from P3 (again), Theodore (P3P), and Santa from 999!
I think I'm most excited for Santa. We have larger groups this time, so it's going to be pretty lively. I think I'll be exhausted.
But that's okay.
For the last day, I don't actually have a cosplay planned. I think I'll just bring a wig, some contacts, and my favorite outfit, and maybe live a little bit for fun.
We'll see! I'll take pictures for you.
Are you doing okay?
I hope so.
If not, please let me know if there's ever anything I can do for you.
Keep up your best!! I believe in you.]
[size10 Honestly I'm so tired of being here.
So tired of being this.
One day things are gonna be better, I guess.
[size10 it's so looouuud.
But I can't sleep without my pup, and she's out socializing in the living room.
I might just have to go take her, bring her in, and lock my door.
when am I going to get a cute bf who loves and appreciates me.
I'm ready now.]
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