Solitude

/ By Kanashimi [+Watch]

Replies: 5 / 2 years 164 days 10 hours 10 minutes 0 seconds


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Lol why am I bothering? I've tried multiple times to talk to you, but you have chosen to shut me out.
  Kanashimi / 2y 157d 13h 7m 28s
Im dealing with so many things right now, its very overwhelming. But lets try and start on a good note.

ever since I started my strict diet, which was about.. mid october 2017, Ive lost about 25lbs.
My original starting weight was around 143lbs, equivalent to 64kg.
I am now around 119-120lbs. 54kg.
Even though ive come so far, I still feel like its not enough. At what point will I be satisfied? Im afraid to find out to be honest.
Ive generally always struggled with my weight, it being a constant fear. And during this surgery, I got very lax with my eating routine and my exercising routine. I havent weighed more than 130lbs in my entire life,so finding out I was 143 was kind of a wake up shock. I dont think ive eaten more than 500 calories in the last 3 months. Its a struggle. Im constantly hungry, which is a pain in the ass.

On the next note, my cunt of a irl bestfriend seems to have gone off the wire. Her ex boyfriend has been telling me shes doing a lot of drugs, and im worried. But she did cut me off first, so should I feel bad? Shes only doing this to herself, yet im still wanting to help her. I dont know.

I also have a horribly bad cold right now, my entire face is throbbing. Might just lay in bed for the rest of the day, if I didnt have to get xrays done today. ffs.
Its been a bloody year Ive had this piece of crap metal on my leg, and im so tired of it. This stupid bone just wont heal.
  Kanashimi / 2y 158d 19h 9m 30s
Why does it feel like my entire life is just crumbling? Everything I've tried so hard to keep steady. Falls down all at once.
If only you didn't drink the way you do, if only we had more in common. Maybe things wouldn't be so fucked up then.
I feel like I'm dissociating what's real and what I wish was real. Why is everything so foggy.
  Kanashimi / 2y 162d 4h 11m 7s
Lol tbh I'm just so done. Done with everything. If I could not wake up tomorrow morning I'd be so happy.
  Kanashimi / 2y 163d 4h 30m 36s
Hmm... what to say? I guess other than I'm back. But only to use this as a venting resource rather than actually role play or communicate with other users.

I never know how to start these, but I suppose it's simple to say that things are getting bad for me again, and I don't know how to manage these issues.
I've been fainting almost daily, developing severe arthritis in my hands and I'm constantly cold, and my skin that was once what I considered a lovely pale, is now practically ash purple.
I've had physicals done, and I'm currently waiting on the results but I already know it's nothing good. Secondly, the depression. God the depression, I haven't had this many depressive episodes in this short of a time before. It kind of feels like I'm under a broken ceiling or something. Yknow? Trapped under cement. That type of feeling. I have no desire to do anything at all. Im kind of like a ghost these days. How should I go forward ? Should I even be bothering to go forward? I'm at an impasse right now. What do I do?
There is also something that has changed in me, feeling wise. But I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. Oh well.
  Kanashimi / 2y 164d 10h 2m 28s
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