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When someone says stop you STOP hitting them not continue so you can leave marks
I accept you don't love me. If you loved me.. You wouldn't let me hurt
You wouldn't get mad at me so easy
You wouldn't... Give up
Dammit Atorie... I didn't mean to.. I don't mean to make you feel like I don't listen to you..
I am sorry
Even if it doesn't matter and you don't believe me
Yes it's been almost 7 months and I "still don't listen"
But I'm still freaking trying... I want to try and change for you... You act like I don't want to OR I never will or don't believe me
But I do.. I would do anything for you... But you don't believe me when I say I love you..
When can we stop hurting each other?..
When can I stop disappointing you? When can I stop letting you down
When can I just stop
I don't like this... I just want to lay with you and cuddle like we used to and pretend everything is okay but you don't want to. You want me to stop caring for you. You hate that I care for you...
I just want to fix my life with you
I want to get this apartment and clean it and play games with you and chill
I want my best friend to not be mad at me..
I want him to believe me when I say I care..
I.. "I'm not them" I didn't mean it like that
I didn't mean I didn't care how you were hurt by them..
I meant... I wanted to stay by you and hope for the best that you try to get yourself help
You don't drink anymore
But therapy pisses you off
But if I say anything it would sound mean... I just.. Want us to get better so bad..
I don't want to lose anyone anymore..
I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care how you felt..
I do.. I care a lot... Even if you don't believe me..
I am sorry I argued when you told me to stop... It just hurt so bad "you must like arguing with me" because I dont
It breaks my heart for me to push or hurt you
Because I don't shut up or if I'm hurt I hurt back..
I know we could both be unstoppable
I know we both could accomplish a lot
But you're too prideful
And I'm too damaged
Actually we're both pretty damaged.. But you get the point..
I just.. Wish I could start over and hold myself back so you could never see the monster I really am.. This is why I tried to run from you in the beginning...
I come off as mean and hateful and..
I'm not.. I'm just like you.. I get scared and push people away who say they care about me. I push until I drive them away not even on purpose
It just happens...
I.. Hate myself for ever hurting you.. I cannot protect you from me..
All I can do is keep trying to do better than last time... But I'm afraid I'm going to drive you away before you ever get to see me improve or pick myself up from this darkness I fell into nearly a year ago.. I just...
I do care..
Is there a cure for being pessimistic?
Because my negative output isn't on purpose
What people see *rage*
What I actually feel
It's hard adapting to not having your best friend when you were attached like I was
I pictured my future always with them
Now that I'm apart I'm angry at the pain I am feeling from their void
But I'm just angry I'm hurt
I don't want to hurt them but I do
I lie and overexaggerate because "they started it" and "they did it first" but I don't want to keep doing it back. Secretly I scream wanting things to go back to being okay.
Because it's unbearable
Suddenly I can easily point out all the things I was mad about
But I still cry at the most random times remembering how much better they made my life
They made existing tolerable
They made it seem so worth it
Now my future disgusts me
It can be fine
But it won't be with them
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