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Don't dampen my fucking parade.
I've been through hell, and back struggling with my demons so do not cross me when I try to have a positive out look on life. All my life, this internal conflict has been ruining everything around me. This includes but does not limit to friends, family, relationships, and the entirety of my whole life. Negativity is in my blood, but that does not mean that I'll only see the bad side forever. If you could just open your eyes and see me trying to do better, then as a friend you should be supporting me and encouraging me to aim for the highest realm of happiness that I can achieve.
No one ever told me how to do this - how to be with someone. I never thought it would be possible for someone like me, not with all my rages, imperfections, melodramatic tendencies and especially not with my fears.
Then I met you. Life is funny that way. You promise yourself you’re never going to do this or that and suddenly you find yourself breaking those promises willingly. I promised myself never to fall in love..well…look where that got me.
So much love,
- Sherry Berry
[Center [Size10 [Font "Times New Roman" Some days I just feel so tired, weak, and done with life. I don't even know what I'm struggling to survive for [i *sigh*] it would be cool if I could find a reason to keep going.]]]
[Center [Size10 [Font "Times New Roman" It's really windy today, and although it rained earlier while I was still fast asleep I'm glad it didn't pour when I went out to deposit a check for my job and catch the bus. I didn't feel like wearing make-up or doing my hair... heck, I even worse my glasses today. I don't feel gross in any way though. I pampered myself lots last night, and even took a pretty nice bath and painted my toe-nails.... yes u-u only my toenails, because I knew for a fact that my excessive body movements in my sleep would have ruined my hands. I'll finish that part when I get home, or maybe tomorrow on my day off? that way I can actually sit in front of my desk fan and let them dry up.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I've been going to the gym more frequently now. The first two days were honestly just me gauging how much intensity I needed, and playing with the numbers and equipment. I carried my inhaler around, and it was sort of embarrassing... but on day three, I felt indestructible and left it at home. I got so much done that day. I even cooked mom, and myself a meal. I really enjoyed it. Cooking makes me feel relaxed sometimes, and it makes me super happy when someone likes what I make. Normally I just bake... which is great too!]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I have a new-found obsession with strawberry milk... this.. this might be good for me. Let's replace all the monsters with strawberry milk. Maybe with all this calcium I'll get lean long legs and added height -u-]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I'm really tired today. Extremely tired. The person who works at this deli across my job is pretty nice. He told me if I ever needed anything to just call the Deli, and they can deliver me my stuff because it's sorta hard to leave the store open when I work solo this really helps me out. No hassle, no stress- and I get my caffeine on the go. I hope I get a lot of customers today, because my paycheck was not good. I have to pay my gym membership, mom money for rent, phone bill, get an metro card for transportation ... a lot of money gone poof! but that's adulting I guess. I should be thankful I at least have a decent paying job :T]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size8 oh boy I sound like a spoiled brat.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Uhm... I couldn't sleep last night. It felt like I was sleeping, but I was consciously aware of everything around me. The street lamps, my room, the fan, cars honking etc.. I don't know why I couldn't sleep, but I regret stupidly thinking that it would be a great idea to take Advil PM around 6:25 when I HAD to be awake for work at 7. I utterly feel at my grossest right now, and pretty anxious and cranky too. I feel like maybe if I sleep tonight I'll feel better. I close at 8 anyways so I got lucky.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 A friend told me yesterday that I'm not as hyper as I used to be. I dunno... maybe I'm getting old?]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I wish... you didn't keep breaking my heart.... being with you is such an emotional rollarcoaster... I just want you to stop. Either be with me, or disappear. I wont bother you if you choose to leave, but stop [b STOP] stringing me along.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 You love me one day,]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 You hate me the other....]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I just want an answer.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I never asked you to be confused.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 The way you deliver your words always makes me believe you, and then at the end you leave me feeling stupid for getting all soft for you. It's not at all like I didn't give you chance after chance. You were the one who kept freely swinging emotions into everything. Even when I offered us to just keep being friends, and I ruined my pride and let you walk all over me.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Do you just throw the L bomb around so easily to just anymore? Maybe that word doesn't mean a lot to you... but it does to me.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I don't need you anymore]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I don't need anyone]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I've made it this far alone without any help.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 No one cared when I had my dilemma with quitting high school,]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 No one cared when my grandfather died and I witnessed it and couldn't act normal for a whole week,]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 And NOBODY CARES NOW.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Once upon a fucking time, I had strong feelings for a man who led me to believe he felt the same about me.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 We were very good friends, talked every single day, shared our hopes, our dreams, our fears and while there was a lot of love between us, he told me that he wasn't capable of being in a relationship at that current point in his life and things went downhill from there.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 His reasons seemed valid enough, so I waited. Waiting soon turned into cutting myself off from other guys thinking that I had met the person I was meant to be with forever, and that getting serious about anyone else would be unfair to him. I remained in a state of blissful ignorance until reality came to bite me in the ass. More specifically, the news that this guy who absolutely positively could not be in a relationship, was suddenly in a relationship. In order to protect myself from feeling like a complete idiot, I valiantly tried to find a reasonable explanation.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Maybe he just needs to have one last fling before settling down with me? Maybe this relationship is just about having fun, and that sex is just where his head is at right now?]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 I maybe'd my way through every possible scenario, but it didn't change the reality of the situation. Of course, it certainly didn't make me feel any better either.]]] [Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 The relationship lasted a few months and as soon as it was over, he was right there at my doorstep.]]] [Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 It pains me to admit this, but I was quick to oblige to whatever he wanted. I thought that maybe he finally saw the light, and our time to be together had finally come.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Whoops.]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 No such luck. Their relationship wasn't the sham that I made it out to be in my mind. It was real, his pain was real and suddenly I had a very ugly reality of my own to comfort.After spending a few days consoling him I was struck with an powerful epiphany.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 [i What am I doing? Why would I ever, EVER invest so heavily in someone who doesn't want me?]]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 And just like that, I was over it. No more sadness, no more anguish, I felt ... fine.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 After this experience, I've steadily abided by one prevailing principle...]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Ready for it?]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 [b Never, ever, want someone who doesn't want you.]]]]
[Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 First off, someone who can't see your innate value doesn't deserve a place in your precious heart. The toll it takes is devastating and can ravage your sense of self. If you let it fester, it'll only provide you with deep seeded feelings of inadequacy, and self-doubt along the way.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 If a guy says or indicates he wants to be with you but isn't actually with you for whatever reason then don't waste your time. Don't help his case by reasoning and rationalizing why his reasons make sense.]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 [b when someone starts giving you excuses as to why they can't do something, then they don't want to do the thing in question.]]]][Center [Font "Times New Roman" [Size10 Some reasons may be quite valid, and they may be the truth- but when it comes down to it, if he wanted to be with you... then he would be, no?]]]
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