[center A mystical place of knowledge, and a place for it's masters to rest and relax. Try though you might, you will not surpass the security of...
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[center Suicide is a funny thing. Many people consider it selfish, or just plain stupid. Perhaps it is. Perhaps there's no greater foolishness than thinking your life not worth living.
My line of thought has always been that suicide takes an inordinate amount of bravery... and helplessness. To make that decision, and to follow through with it.
But this time... I'm just angry. I don't know why, to be honest. There's a cool anger that has settled over my entire psyche, and it isn't going away for this moment.
I talked to you two days ago. You weren't laughing and smiling enough, and I told you so. We talked about your last attempt. You gave me your word that if those thoughts ever surfaced, I'd be immediately told.
Maybe I could have helped. But probably not. It was probably too late for you.
I'm not angry [b at you]. I'm just... Angry. I'm not flying off into a rage. But it's there, influencing me. Influencing us. I hope whatever Hall you end up in is a better home than yours was, my friend.
I hope the God or Goddess of that Hall recognizes you for your worth. I hope you end up happy. Goodbye.
As good as it is to be awake... to be needed... to be searching for answers...
I find myself overwhelmed by a dozen questions for every answer I find. So many things not adding up. So many things... yet unclear, with no path to an answer in sight...
It's almost exhilarating. Also exhausting.
[+blue I'm at a loss.
Things are going well. Making progress toward the computer. Cats are here. Making progress toward SS. We're doing well. Getting things toward a better future.
So why do I feel so... I cant even put a word to it. Like we're alone? Which isn't entirely true, of course. Like everything is wrong...? Even that doesn't do it justice.
I truly don't know...
[+blue Nights like this, I miss it.
The slight tingling touch on my skin. The rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins. The sheer force echoing through me. It made me feel... complete.
I wanted to teach people. Like [b he] taught me. Not just nobility, or those with the means to afford my services... I wanted anyone who could to learn how to use it. I still do.
Though that may never come to pass, now, I find myself in a loop of "what ifs". Would I have been a good teacher..? I hope so. Anyway. There's my reminiscing for the month.
[+blue One night of no stress. Of games. Of the computer fucking cooperating. But I cant even get that. Seriously thinking of just dropping off the map for a bit... Unable to reliably play our two biggest coping games. Unable to do jack shit else on the computer, unless it's a fucking nearly 20 year old game. Why the fuck do I bother, any more? All this bullshit, and then some... feel like I'm looking my bloody mind.
Nothing feels right. I'm lost in my own mind, with no maps to call upon.
I don't know what to do. I'm hardly myself, anymore. I just... I don't know.
"His name is... (REDACTED).
He was my second-in-command. A brilliant soldier. I never knew a wiser, kinder soul. Every day, I find him in my thoughts. I wonder how things would be different if I were still there. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I love him.
You've done so much for us, Isabelle. You've been strong and able when no one else could. You've brought us back from the brink innumerable times. So grieve for him. Not necessarily for his death. But for these circumstances. Grieve.
You've become a leader, Isabelle. A strong woman. A strong warrior.
And when you are ready... The helm will be waiting for your return. Until then... Take your time. We'll manage."
[+blue SEILAN GAVE ISABELLE A PEP TALK, AND IM OVER HERE IN TEAR BECAUSE ITS THE FIRST WORDS HES SAID TO ANYONE BUT VICTOR. -Epsi
This storm around me...
Thunder bombastically rolling.
I can [i feel] the charge in the air. I can [i smell] the static.
This is my kind of weather. I could stand out here all night.
One break. One big break... That's all I need, and I can break myself of this... I know it.
[#000080 More and more, I'm noticing despondency in Ethan. And even apathy... He wants to care about what's going on around him, but just... can't. I thought helping him to reconnect with someone cute for a night on the town would help... It did. For a short time. But more and more, I'm unsure of how to proceed with him. More and more, I feel all but useless except for keeping all of us moving forward to an unknown goal... Ugh. Maybe I need to start drinking, too.
[#000080 We need to find people to RolePlay with... So many ideas swirling around in our collective thoughts. Victor has his. I have mine. So on, and so forth... The possibilities are endless.
I've been feeling slowly more.. Myself. My appetite is returning. I've been talking with Isabelle a lot... I feel rejuvenated.
[b A ghost of a smile touches my lips, and I reach up to touch my blindfold.]
Seilan and Victor have even agreed to spar with me. When I warned them against it, they all but shrugged it off. I do suppose Victor is pretty good at piecing people together...
Why do I still feel like this...? Like such a piece of shit? I want to bawl. I want to scream. I want to eat a bullet... Come the dawn, is my home really going to be a good place for me to be..? Will I have to give up another home...?
I've done what I can to try and help. So why do I feel so... small? Like I've done nothing? Why, more accurately, can't I just feel like.. me? I want to feel pride at even the smallest offerings of help that I give. I want to be able to stand, on my own two feet, and say that I've done all I can...
Why can't I? Where'd that me go..? How do I get him back?
[+purple [size14 [google-font http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Kaushan+Script][Kaushan+Script You're not a boss. You're nothing more than a worm.
Yeah. I got upset. I've got my issues, and I was already stressed out. Sue me.
Say what you will about me. That I'm a shell of what I once was... And I'd agree with it. And insecure? Perhaps. I lost something more than a group of lowlifes.
Lastly, calling it a rivalry is far-fetched. That would imply you were, indeed, rivaling me.
So to reiterate... Say what you will.
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