A symptom of being alive.
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[Center I should probs update this for the fans. lmao. I amuse myself too much.
I've been aight, homies. Between my shit job and running/watching over my discord server I've been hella depressed and my boy has had zero advice besides to work out. He's been trying to be supportive but his supportive is.... not at all as supportive as he thinks. I acknowledge he is trying, and I appreciate it. I just don't believe he gets that some things are out of his hands. And out of mine. I want to change, but I cant just breathe and hope it goes away. Well, that made it sound bad. I've taken the time to try and correct my behavior, but my anxiety being anxiety wants things done now. And everyone wants results now. [i Everyone.] Which is fine, of course they expect that. I'd love to make an immediate 180°. [s Oh wait... that would be going back. A 90°? Idk.] And these episodes last a long miserable time. And in honesty, the boy will never actually go through with the "let's go work out together" thing he always happily chirps when he notices my chubbs. I need a safety net. I can't just fall into my long ass depressive episodes like this and just wait it out. The thing about depressive episodes is, motherfucker, I don't want to do anything. I've been here for awhile, in this "episide" as I call it.
It's just gotten worse. Like xephy said its probs the seasonal depression hitting that normal depression. Next Tuesday I'm getting medication for it. That's final. He ain't gonna know about it.
I've made some funny as friends through my discord server. We're all nasty lil pervs though. Given the main reason for the server was very explicit. But I'm glad these people are giving me the social interaction I refuse to give myself lol.
Also Read Dead Redemption def gonna win game of the year. I do and I don't want it to win it. It's a great game, but they didnt really "branch" out from their game genre. Rockstar, I mean. It's a good game, dont get me wrong, love it. But it's always the big boy company games winning it.
I guess that's all I've got to say if anyone cares. sorry I haven't felt like updating.
[Center I have no words for you. Not because I'm upset with you. I just.. we've been really not talking. I've pushed myself further away from everyone because of unknown reasons, and I've just kept it up. I guess I no longer really feel a connection to anyone or anything. Work has worn me down and I barely can convince myself to keep up with my daily gaming. I wore my ring the other day, not the one I told you about the other day. It's still being made. The one I got. And I love it so much. No one has ever asked me why I wear it on my ring finger. No one ever asked why I even got it. Which is fine, I'd rather them mind their business anyway. I like to keep it there to remind me that I will always love who I love. And that most importantly, I should love and be kind to myself. Because even though it could never happen, I always think about us. I always wonder how someone who I'd never expect to meet made me so caught up in them. Made me wonder how they could be so level headed amongst the most upsetting things. I don't know why the universe gave that to me. Dear god... I.. I want to take it away. I want it gone because I've been so hurt by it. It hurts always watching you. It hurts thinking about you. It hurts dreaming about you and I do it often I guess. Nobody even really knows it's been eating at me that I want to surround myself with you. I've got some nerve to call it love. When I cant even bring myself to talk to you. I just write pointless pathetic love letters. Not even. I can't muster a sweet word. Because I know if I try I won't stop and I'd rather not burden anyone with that. I'm sorry you even tolerate me. And initiate the conversations. I never imagined when I first saw your name that you'd mean this much to me. Three years ago I just thought, "Well that person and I may have a problem." I don't even understand how you handled me when it was so easy to set me off. I guess you didn't entirely have to. I believe I just messaged you once. Or was that you? I had a hard time distinguishing people then. My anger overwhelmed me and everyone was a blur. I like the idea of a physical diary. I don't have the privacy. I'll probably just download an app and write in it. Maybe I can write you actual unread letters. I know I jumped the gun on the word. But it's how I feel. If I could I'd leave everything in a heartbeat. If I could, I'd do so much. But I can't. Maybe I just like the idea of us. Idk. I'm sure I'd ruin it like I do everything. I just hope the universe will take care of you like it does me. It always some how finds a roof for me. With a bed, company, and the time to run away from everything.
Oh. And for the record, you could never be half the bitch I was to them. They were my everything. I was their everything. But if it makes you feel better be the #1 most abandoned bitch, the only bitch who is still around for the 875th time, #1 person to fall for a breeze looking at you and being convinced you're in love, then you got it. It's so fucking exhausting seeing your name come up all because you want to prove a point. If you're gonna live your life trying to impress people who dont care uou've got a really fucking pathetic life. Coming from me. Tch.
I dont care to be the positive bitch I've been striving to be rn. You seriously piss me off beyond reason. No reason love or compassion can fucking set you straight. What ever shit you're brewing in, is what you deserve.
[Center I guess it's finally happening.
I'm so scared.
People usually are so sure when the question comes up.
We've had so many talks about it but it just...
Never goes away.
It seems like every sign is a sign to say no.
But the only reason why I would say yes is..
Because he actually talks to me.
He doesnt blow up like I do.
He stays calm and talks.
I guess I just...
Never really witnessed a lasting marriage in my life.
Well I told him to give me more time and he will. Thank God haha.
I guess what really bothers me is....
I never saw myself getting married. And I hoped to have met more people.
Wow it's like this day wants to fucking get worse
Everyone get the fuck out of my way I'll screech at you and tear your fucking limbs off because rn not dealing with it
Me: halsey is a pandering hypocritical trash person
Also me: THINKING YOU CAN LiIiiiIIiiIivE WITHouT ME
Through all the music the resounding thought that remains is you.
Once again I'm only truly myself intoxicated.
But I'm on myself along and writing.
[center Some where deep in me I feel it.
Is it you, old friend?
What has held me always after all of it
after the skyscrapers topple
the trees snap and tumble
when it all ends.
A snug embrace of pity,
of fatigue and ashes.
Only you remain.
My hard work is your chrysalis,
and when I've finally become comfy in my home
the nest I put together,
you kick, a parasite in it's womb.
Shaking the foundations
of my sober efforts.
Only when I look away,
does a loose cannon fire.
Crunching through my small empty civilization.
From the debris you are born.
You seek my attention.
Like an animal I listen to your babble and cries.
I pick you up.
And you gladly take me in.
Fuck, I might need medication for my depression.
When ever something so fucking awful happened, it felt like my uterus was... I cant describe it? Tightening, grumbling.. I discovered today that the "gut" feeling people describe is located in that area. I've discovered my gut feelings are fucking weird as hell. Also weird coincidence considering I had a gut feeling almost minutes before learning what it was. My mind has always lead me straight like a compass. My gut always told me to fucking run when it felt like I was no longer in my body. Unable to think. When i have my epsiodes.
Anyway I'm not feeling good. Today was awful.
I'm still waiting for you to mess up.
So I have a reason to run.
Edit: realized two posts before I said guts were churning? Meant my tum tum. Oops.
[Center I've said it once-
I've said it thrice.
My head feels dislocated,
I always say it:
I'm not okay.
I'm forever captivated
By the dizziness
The racing pulse.
"If only I was born normal"
"Please make me someone normal".
Veins always pump with anger.
It's written in blood,
To always a destructive temper.
"Maybe it's because I've never been loved"
I scoff, we both know that's not the case.
I search for a reason,
And I come up empty.
I search for forgiveness
But I live because of my mistakes.
People come and go
But everybody knows
That yellow paint never saved the artist.
My guts are sti fucking churning. You read that right. C H U R N I N G . It's fucking making butter or something. Jk I know what it's making... ME MISERABLE. Can for once my body be chill as a mother fucker? At least i have today off. Only now I have to anticipate for the crabby food. The crabbers should both come out ANY TIME now so both of em will be active and I can change substrate, rearrange stuff, add more stuff so they can hide and climb. Prey animals are so needy tbh. :I I love them.
Remember that time pokemon released black and white and when you got black youd fight the white legendary and when you got white youd fight the black legendary? I had a dream they did that shit again lemme tell ya, was not amused
N is bae doe
GET THE FUCK LOST, BRANDON, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE
LITERALLY EVERYONE IS COUNTING THE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS YOU GO YOU CROTCHETY RAG
In other other new, go get them, Em. Obliterate them young folk. Fuck the new kidz amirite? No, Tekashi69, not literally. Dont fuck a literal kid-stop.
Need to gtfothis bitch what am I doing
So I got married to my goth gf in stardew valley and gotdamn I'm so lucky. I really love sincere moments that I have with her. Granted I feel that way with muh boi but... I've really been yearning for something. I can't put my finger on it. Probably a friend tbh LOL. I push everyone away or just leave 'em on read because my stupid brain hates doing anything it enjoys.
My eczema is really reacting to this weather lemme tell ya it's fucking annoying. Smothering it in vaseline is not helping. Just excited for that cream everyone talks about for eczema to see if it helps my poor poor eyes. I also got a hair cut. I look like I'm in highschool all over again D;
Freshly 15 and dating my douche bag of a boyfriend who only wanted a banging and for me to change. I think the problem with being with him was he made me feel bad for being myself. Not intentionally but me being with him made me feel like I had to be someone else.
Bleh. Never again. I hope.
Also can't wait for brandon to fucking GET LOST. No one wants you, you raggedy ass bitch.
I reallyfucking hated that in Before the Storm they totally disregarded Chloe's spirit animal being the blue butterfly and was like "CROOOWWW" or raven w/e. Before the storm just fucking killed what I loved about life is strange tbh. They answered nothing, they barely like.... showed anything sincerely touching imo about Chloe and Rachel. And the "arguing" gimmick just also seemed useless. Although, I suppose in a sense the entire life is strange time traveling gimmick is useless too in the end if you choose to let chloe die.... but at least you've taken the feeling and the note that no matter what you do things happen. And it's best to live life being kind to everyone. Or what ever. Any way. Just pissed at before the storm. Will be for forever. My baby chloe deserved better than to be a dorky dork who suddenly transformed into a babe. I wished they had transitioned her childish optimism and adventure into a cold selfish realist. I liked that they had her constantly dreaming about her dad as it deeply affected her... idk. Maybe I'll write something to release steam and make myself feel better.
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