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[left [pic http://i.imgur.com/EgqpU8f.gif]]
[center So strange how little shit you realize you actually have or give a shit about once you start packing it all up lol][center and she says my generation is fucking spoiled and entitled. Yeah I'm entitled to not take your fucking bullshit anymore nor having to live with you. I'm entitled to run away and never look back and never talk to you ever again.][center I keep trying to tell myself I will regret this but I'll regret not doing this just as much at this point. Damned if you do damned if you don't.]
[left [pic http://i.imgur.com/EgqpU8f.gif]][center I just realized Ali is coming by tomorrow with Guy to mow the front portion of the yard, but now I don't think I can sleep in case the place for the cats I called that I'm hoping will take them calls. I only left them a voice mail and it could take god knows how long for them to call back. Depending on what they say and if they will actually come pick them up I might just do it tomorrow and rip the bandage off. I hate doing this so soon but they're going to be the part that could take the longest, and just I'd rather make sure they get where they need to sooner rather than wait and fuck everything up for them.][center They are my world but I can only do so much for them]
[left [pic http://i.imgur.com/EgqpU8f.gif]][center [size10 It kills me but I'm legitimately looking into no kill shelters to possibly give the babies and Hoosier up to because I barely manage to care for them with Ali's care let alone if I wind up on my own and pretty much homeless I definitely won't be able to care for them. Let alone they won't qualify for any pet friendly shelters since they've never been to the vet ever. So this is what my life has come to. Having to give up my children because I have no other choice. I have no one I can go to only because I can't bother them they have their own shit. Clair would prolly take me in if it weren't for the fact her apartment is already full so I haven't thought to ask her, even though I know if she could she would. I just have to start consolidating and find somewhere to keep most of my stuff that isn't clothes or necessity. I don't even know if I'm even going to bother selling any of my shit at this point. It would take so much effort I don't have right now. I'll just box any stuff worth selling up and send it to wherever my other stuff winds up and sell it once time passes. Bad enough I'll have to pack up my desktop but hell I might lend to to Clair if she wants it if comes to it. I could sell it but I can't do that to myself just yet. Any of the things bought by Suga or with money Suga gave me are never being sold ever unless I'm dead and even then it would prolly all go to clair or back to Suga so she can decide what to do with it.]]
[center [size10 I feel like shit, I feel like I'm becoming a fucking sob story and I fucking hate it. I could just suck it up and live with my mother, I really could but I know what she does to my mental health. It's not good. I can't stand being around her for the short amounts I am now let alone if I lived with her again. She doesn't understand how my depression and everything works. Of course I can be this happy piece of shit on a daily basis but that's a fucking front and it kills me. I manage that and don't know how to turn it off anymore. I really wonder why I even exist anymore. Why was I forced to exist in the first place to live this fucking pointless life? I'm not going to give up because I've made it this far and I do want to try to get better and be my own person, but it's just so hard when all you strive for is to survive, for simple pleasures. Hoosier is part of why I've tried to stay alive this long, but I may not even have him. I hate everything so much right now. I guess the universe just isn't in my favor right now, but there isn't much I can do besides just go with it.]]
[center [size10 I'll make it through this, somehow, I'll make it out on the other side stronger, or I'll fucking die trying.]]
[left [pic http://i.imgur.com/10Lz7je.gif]]
[center [+white x]][center [+white x]][center [+white x]]
[center Only me at 2:30 in the morning would sit here and have this great epiphany of me and two other people being AAA just cause the initials for our first names are all A. Jfc I should just go tf to sleep. Which I think I wil]
[center Sik-K doing an instagram live to figure out what to eat like two hours from now and someone said "Pussy" and he fucking said it outloud and I had to like sit there for a second cause "did he really just fucking say what I thought????" and booooiiiii let me tell you I'm fucking dying. this man is adorable. like he flips so much from korean to english and back again I neeeeed him. just rambling about anchovy pasta and then Ravi popped up and just him commenting on shit that is usually ignored by others I've watched do lives.]
[center [size10 I will eat those orange slice gummies, drink orange juice, and orange soda like it's going out of fucking style but god damn are these orange crush pop tarts disgusting. I regret everything, jfc. why did I think they were a good investment because they were literally the worst investment.]][center [size10 ALSO THESE CHILDREN NEED TO CHILL OR SO HELP ME]][center [size10 oh and my mom comes over to grab some shit from ali's tomorrow and I'm stuck between sleeping through her visit or actually going down there to converse with her knowing she's just going to irritate me with some shit she says. Or with however she reacts to me telling her what my new diagnosis is cause it'll go one or two ways tbh lol. Disbelief or ignored.]][center [size10 Also Max has become such a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong I love him but he over here giving me shit for smoking when he likes smoking himself so you sir can shove it. Plus he's giving me shit right now cause he wants out to do more than just post in journal entries, like nah you good for now just chill okay bby.]]
[center [size10 my moodswings are the worst sometimes. The stupidest shit sets them off and like the only thing I can do for mine and everyone else's benefit is just step away and breath. Take a moment away from the situation until I feel like I won't snap at someone. But in the end it makes me feel like crap knowing the other person prolly feels like they've done something wrong and won't want to speak anymore and that's just not the case Tbh. I can be so easy to snap but I've started to just poor rather than see stay in the situation in which I know I might say something I don't mean. So to anyone who deals with me in that situation it honestly not you, it's 100% me and my shitty moodiness and shitty emotions. I promise I'm not bailing because I'm angry, I mean in a way I am, but it's more so I don't say some stupid was shit and make a fool of myself and hurt feelings that don't need to be hurt over something usually so Damn stupid lol. I mean if my feelings are hurt that's a different story I'm a bitch I wind up letting me hurt my own feelings so there's no reason I gotta hurt anyone else's.]]
[center Why I can't get a man lol][center [pic http://i.imgur.com/FJPZjkZ.png]][center [s that and i'm fucking crazy lol]]
[center I'm gonna go sob over Crush now apparently lol][center [youtube https://youtu.be/ABRgsYUB_lg]]
[center I thought seeing them all on stage together [s minus Dean] was the best but tbh Crush is fucking beautiful 100% and I cried. Please save me from this man because he just fucking kills me][center [youtube https://youtu.be/7aYjOqD9JEw]]
[center [+white bless]][center [youtube https://youtu.be/2x9C1nuy2IM]]
[center yo][center [youtube https://youtu.be/QUR3rxk7K3w]]
It's so strange how much like his mother you are. You're a liar, you act one way straight to people's faces but behind the scenes you're entirely different. Do you know how much that fucking kills him? I just got here, I'm just starting to learn about some of the shit in his life and to think that there are two people he knows that he should absolutely despise and yet he still has some adoration for you both. The funniest part of all of this though? You used to tell him about how much you couldn't stand how his mother treated him, but here we are with you being no fucking better. Wow, how hilarious it is that you try to act like you're some fucking saint but you're just as quick to tear people the fuck down. You should never have children, ever. No wonder they wanted out, do you realize how badly he wants out of his situation and he doesn't even live with the woman. I don't care what he says because I would like you to know, if you're reading this that is, that you are the absolute fucking worst. You've made him feel so much worse about himself over the years than he already did just because of jealousy or anger or whatever other motives you may have had. You have made him doubt anything you've ever said to him. You never gave a shit about him when all he did was look out for you when he could and when he did it backfired. Stop with this "Kindest person you'll ever meet" bullshit otherwise you wouldn't flip and tell everyone to die if they aren't the guy who's attention you're chasing after. A kind person would try to understand why all these people who said they cared we jumping ship, but all you're trying to do is play the fucking victim. I know, this is so much longer than it needed to and I've completely veered from the original main point. I just felt that since he won't be nearly this blunt because, he does legitimately dislike confrontation, that I would do it for him since that is my job now. Strange how for someone who complained he talked too much shit turned around and did the same shit. If you ever get the help you so desperately need and get better don't even try to reach out to him again. It was a mistake this time and it will always be a mistake. You talk about how many chances you've given people in the past, well look at this fucked up soul that's given you chances when you didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve the ear he lent you and you didn't deserve any of the kind words he's ever given, nor the credit to you being a strong person. He may hate hearing the words but he's strong. Yes, he has me and the others, but that doesn't make him weak. He managed a whole year at least with out any of at all and it was only recently that they all reappeared because he's reached his breaking point. It's over due honestly he's been so tired for a while all he's wanted is rest. And now instead of having to say this shit himself I can say it because if he says it he'll just beat himself up over it.
I'm done, I've said my peace. We need rest given it is nearly 7 am.
Also he slipped up and wound up taking a pill earlier to try and make himself feel better. Shame on you, boy.
[center [size10 the mocking voice from last night popped back up today, and I know a little more about him. On the surface he's very very very angry and bitter, but deep down he's high strung and anxious. Also his name is Maxwell, Max for short. He's so cute for all the anger that surrounds his aura lol. He takes a lot of shit I say personally tho hopefully he'll understand how I am after more time and take less offense.]]
[center [size10 I was riding with Ali to her doctor's appointment the other day and when started talking about my DID shit and she just started ranting about how they changed it from MPD and why did they do that it just makes it more confusing all that fun stuff. I wound up going on a full explanation of how it's because obviously over the years they've learned more about the disorder and thus changed the name to fit it better since it's not just "personalities" and there's so many more layers to it. I don't know why I tried though, my explanation was completely ignored so she could just blame it all on political correctness. It's so nice to have your thoughts and feelings ignored by people. Pretty sure that's not political correctness at work but hey, what do I know I just live with the disorder not like I'd know anything right?]]
[center [size10 Bad enough I've been told by a few people to not even bother telling my mom about the diagnosis since she prolly won't care. I'll at least tell her about it but I won't go into details about anything, she doesn't need to know shit about my alters, not like Max has anything nice to say to or about her lol]]
[center [size10 In other news I'm in a fucking low and it's the fucking worst fucking end my life lol thanks]]
[center There's someone with a mocking tone that's just popped up. Idk who it is, it's not Zhao, I know he throws his fits and shit but this one seems angry? Zhao is just immaturity. Who fucking knows. I'm sure if they wish to be relevant and known I'll learn more.]
[center Zhao just stated some shit about how it felt like Morte prolly going off of my emotions and tbh now I'm crying because it really did feel similar to Morte but I know it's not. Lol can they turn into ghosts because that would be fucking hilarious.]
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