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[center [+white bless]][center [youtube https://youtu.be/2x9C1nuy2IM]]
[center yo][center [youtube https://youtu.be/QUR3rxk7K3w]]
It's so strange how much like his mother you are. You're a liar, you act one way straight to people's faces but behind the scenes you're entirely different. Do you know how much that fucking kills him? I just got here, I'm just starting to learn about some of the shit in his life and to think that there are two people he knows that he should absolutely despise and yet he still has some adoration for you both. The funniest part of all of this though? You used to tell him about how much you couldn't stand how his mother treated him, but here we are with you being no fucking better. Wow, how hilarious it is that you try to act like you're some fucking saint but you're just as quick to tear people the fuck down. You should never have children, ever. No wonder they wanted out, do you realize how badly he wants out of his situation and he doesn't even live with the woman. I don't care what he says because I would like you to know, if you're reading this that is, that you are the absolute fucking worst. You've made him feel so much worse about himself over the years than he already did just because of jealousy or anger or whatever other motives you may have had. You have made him doubt anything you've ever said to him. You never gave a shit about him when all he did was look out for you when he could and when he did it backfired. Stop with this "Kindest person you'll ever meet" bullshit otherwise you wouldn't flip and tell everyone to die if they aren't the guy who's attention you're chasing after. A kind person would try to understand why all these people who said they cared we jumping ship, but all you're trying to do is play the fucking victim. I know, this is so much longer than it needed to and I've completely veered from the original main point. I just felt that since he won't be nearly this blunt because, he does legitimately dislike confrontation, that I would do it for him since that is my job now. Strange how for someone who complained he talked too much shit turned around and did the same shit. If you ever get the help you so desperately need and get better don't even try to reach out to him again. It was a mistake this time and it will always be a mistake. You talk about how many chances you've given people in the past, well look at this fucked up soul that's given you chances when you didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve the ear he lent you and you didn't deserve any of the kind words he's ever given, nor the credit to you being a strong person. He may hate hearing the words but he's strong. Yes, he has me and the others, but that doesn't make him weak. He managed a whole year at least with out any of at all and it was only recently that they all reappeared because he's reached his breaking point. It's over due honestly he's been so tired for a while all he's wanted is rest. And now instead of having to say this shit himself I can say it because if he says it he'll just beat himself up over it.
I'm done, I've said my peace. We need rest given it is nearly 7 am.
Also he slipped up and wound up taking a pill earlier to try and make himself feel better. Shame on you, boy.
[center [size10 the mocking voice from last night popped back up today, and I know a little more about him. On the surface he's very very very angry and bitter, but deep down he's high strung and anxious. Also his name is Maxwell, Max for short. He's so cute for all the anger that surrounds his aura lol. He takes a lot of shit I say personally tho hopefully he'll understand how I am after more time and take less offense.]]
[center [size10 I was riding with Ali to her doctor's appointment the other day and when started talking about my DID shit and she just started ranting about how they changed it from MPD and why did they do that it just makes it more confusing all that fun stuff. I wound up going on a full explanation of how it's because obviously over the years they've learned more about the disorder and thus changed the name to fit it better since it's not just "personalities" and there's so many more layers to it. I don't know why I tried though, my explanation was completely ignored so she could just blame it all on political correctness. It's so nice to have your thoughts and feelings ignored by people. Pretty sure that's not political correctness at work but hey, what do I know I just live with the disorder not like I'd know anything right?]]
[center [size10 Bad enough I've been told by a few people to not even bother telling my mom about the diagnosis since she prolly won't care. I'll at least tell her about it but I won't go into details about anything, she doesn't need to know shit about my alters, not like Max has anything nice to say to or about her lol]]
[center [size10 In other news I'm in a fucking low and it's the fucking worst fucking end my life lol thanks]]
[center There's someone with a mocking tone that's just popped up. Idk who it is, it's not Zhao, I know he throws his fits and shit but this one seems angry? Zhao is just immaturity. Who fucking knows. I'm sure if they wish to be relevant and known I'll learn more.]
[center Zhao just stated some shit about how it felt like Morte prolly going off of my emotions and tbh now I'm crying because it really did feel similar to Morte but I know it's not. Lol can they turn into ghosts because that would be fucking hilarious.]
[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/CpcZjf3.png]][center [size10 Made a thing of my youngest. I am prouddddd]][center [size10 Take this shit and we fucking fighting]]
[center Baby, I smoke heavy, drunk on Henny][center [s [size7 Sik-K tho]]]
[center If we're all so easy for you to give up on and throw away then why did you cling so hard? Why did you try so hard to make us listen to you? What was the point? What's the point in telling us all you don't give a fuck or to go die or whatever if you realize we don't care and at this point it's no skin off our backs? I give it a couple days before you're back to wallowing in your self pity. Before you're back to no having reciprocated feelings for someone that you deny and your jealousy returns and you have no one to turn to or who cares to listen to you. You're going to get lonely real fast with just that one person around.]
[center [+white my angel]][center [youtube https://youtu.be/3BCa1jfnRqg]]
[left [pic http://i.imgur.com/F2gqnLz.gif]]
[center [+white x]][center [+white x]][center [+white x]]
[center Thank god someone woke up. I feel bad it was Set and he felt shoved into Morte's role but it helped, it really helped. So thank you lil bby you helped me more than you know.][center Also I miss him too, I know it's lonely without him. It's too quiet, but there isn't anything we can do about it.]
[center I teared up try and tell me Jay Park isn't beautiful][center [youtube https://youtu.be/Hzhi3UhH-ls]]
[center [pic http://i.imgur.com/MV61YAR.gif]][center [size10 You know I could drop this, just forget about this shit BUT I have just one more thing bugging.]][center [size10 How the FUCK are you going to say you have PTSD and try and use it as a shield, or crutch, or excuse or whatever the fuck you wanna consider it when it's merely just assumed. You're self diagnosed, the problem with self diagnosing yourself with something of that degree is it could also just be a numerous other things. You can't know for sure, and you sure as hell couldn't go and use that shit in public, or actually you could but that is LYING. Woah what a concept. You using that shit as a reason we should be patient with you when it's not even an official diagnosis??? Get away from me with that shit. Do you know how long I've questioned if what I was dealing with was this or that but didn't dare self diagnose myself because I'm not a good judge and don't feel I can trust myself. And look I was told my psychosis isn't schizophrenia like I feared, which I only did because of family history, turns out it's just my bipolar. You know what else I suspected? That Morte, and Set, and all those other Personas I had might be more, but again, I still called them personas but now I have an official diagnosis, I can legitimately say if I don't remember doing something that it must have been one of the others. But see the thing is I can't abuse that shit, it's obvious when it's me or one of the others. And you talk all this stuff about your muses and how sad they are. Imagine this, I had a whole person, a whole part of me that just fucking died one night and vanished and ever since I've felt incomplete, I'm so used to him in the back of head raging or bitching or just being a pain in the ass, and now it's just so empty and everyone else is asleep. So seriously stop acting like you're the only one going through tough shit. If you honestly think you have PTSD that's not something you should let eat away at you. I lost an amazing person because he ignored his PTSD, it took me years to actually cope with that shit. You don't fuck around with it. Why do you think I went to finally go get help? Because if I don't who tf will? Yeah, my friends are a fucking blessing and they do what tf they can but I don't expect them to fix me, they aren't going to be able to, especially since they're all dealing with their own shit. Literally all of them have shit they are dealing with in their lives, the best part is you know most of them and some how even though I'm a fucking mess they've put up with me, because I may feel like I wallow in my self pity but I fucking try to survive. I may not want to sometimes but jesus fuck if I'm going to let them down, or let my mom use me as some fucking sob story. They best thing I can do it live my life for me and make them proud because to be fucking honest they are my family.]]
[center [size10 Also idk why tf you think dropping people's names isn't going to get people to fucking shut up. If anything you're making shit worse, you can villainize me, honestly, I would prefer you to drop my name before you dropped anyone else's. Of course Suga fucking defended me, because there were times where I mentally fucking couldn't and had nothing to say that wasn't just agreeing. I literally am the worst at selling myself let alone trying to defend myself. Also as I recall there were times where she had to defend me from you. So don't act like she's just some attack dog. She's done more for me than you have at this point and all I get to feel like is a shit friend and a shit person who tried so fucking hard but every time there was a disagreement you needed to throw shit in my face. And hey, maybe I'm doing the same thing right now but that's just how it is.]]
[center [size10 So like I guess you either just need attention so much right now that even the negative kind is good enough for you, or you're just really trying to make people hate you, and just the more you keep going and going you might just get your wish.]]
[center I was gonna write a huge long post but all I feel I need to do is talk about that point in time when me and you weren't talking and weren't friends and Psyc decided to take it upon himself to tell me to just die or kill myself and you let him. Idk if you'll look in here but I hope you do. I hope you're reminded just how petty you can be that all that talk of being a good person and not wanting to fight only goes so far cause as I recall you didn't stop him because it wasn't your job to. Or was it because he didn't listen? Either way you let him do that. Whether we were friends or not shouldn't change how supposedly compassionate you are. And I have tried so hard to keep these from being spiteful because I don't hate you. Even if I may have reasons to I don't but honestly as a firm believer in Karma that's exactly what I think this is.]
[center shit][center [youtube https://youtu.be/-2KYquKg-Ns]]
[center [size10 Seriously tho, how sad is it I had one session with my shrink, first one ever, and she acknowledges me by my gender identity far better than my own mother does. Honestly it's amazing, and she even mentioned hormone replacement therapy but then remembered I don't have insurance so of course I've thought about but couldn't afford it. There are a lot of things I realized from her reactions are over reactions, and aren't thing I shouldn't be ashamed of. All those years of being afraid of being seen as crazy and letting my mom do all the talking when she wouldn't ever say half the stuff I told her, and I talked to this woman for over an hour about things I never mentioned to other doctors. I know, I know I won't stop talking about this shit, it just went so much better than I expected, I got more answers than I thought I would. All of the info went over so much better than I thought.]][center [size10 Also Suga saying she's proud of me makes me feel so much better than I already feel. Like it doesn't seem like a big deal for me to go see a shrink, but as someone with out insurance this is progress, it's been years. I go back in two weeks, Ali prolly won't be pleased but hey whatever she'll live I need this.]]
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