New Heroes

/ By sinssbinss [+Watch]

Replies: 260 / 1 years 213 days 2 hours 23 minutes 40 seconds

Allowed Users

  1. [Allowed] Gryffindor
  2. [Allowed] Gardner
  3. [Allowed] -Queen
  4. [Allowed] Arsenal
  5. [Allowed] Jaybird
  6. [Allowed] Taeil
  7. [Allowed] Sik-k
  8. [Allowed] 9S
  9. [Allowed] Winwin
  10. [Allowed] Galmaegi
  11. [Allowed] Taeyong
  12. [Allowed] Chittaphon
  13. [Allowed] Scentist
  14. [Allowed] Aishi
  15. [Allowed] Wang
  16. [Allowed] Seo
  17. [Allowed] Mino
  18. [Allowed] Cereal
  19. [Allowed] Crow-Sama
  20. [Allowed] Kihyun
  21. [Allowed] ATINY

[center [+white fack]][center [pic]][center [size9 Just a journal/storage thread for me, myself, and I]][center [size9 If anything in here offends you it's not my problem tbh.]][center [size9 I can't help if the shoe fits. Most of the shit I say in here]][center [size9 about [u [size10 ANYONE]] will wind up vague af anyways.]]
[center [ ⦻]][center [+white shit]]


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Roleplay Responses

[center [size10 All I can say is I'm sorry. To myself and everyone else. I'm a disappointment and I let myself fall all over again. In the end I don't blame anyone but myself. I wish the best for everyone.]]
  ooc / ATINY / 14d 3h 43m 46s
[center [size10 Ah what a dangerous game I am playing. Not just the drug use or the choice of drug but the fact that at my job it's not a secret. A lot of people know. Still got my job though. Went on a two day binge then went back to work on zero sleep, two big cans of monster, and tweaking the fuck out. The result? A thank you note from the assistant manager. My new closing shift manager wanting me to find him a dealer and offering to buy me some as well. The only cons? I did some kind of shit to my top lip and I picked a few spots on my arm raw. Oh and I finally got to experience meth mites. Fun times. Seriously though. Don't do meth. Shits way to fucking addicting. Not even once man. I went from using it only once every month to "whenever we can get it" and then bingeing on it on our days off.]] [center [size10 Stay safe]]
  ooc / ATINY / 18d 9h 47m 53s
[left [pic]][center [size9 I can't even say how proud you would be that I have a job. I know you already don't care. But I know the second I told you I'd been partaking in good old substance abuse you'd be so happy to criticize me as if you weren't a drunk yourself. As if you and your bullshit husband hadn't contributed to me becoming at the very least an alcoholic. Letting a middle school kid get drunk on hard liquor isn't normal. It doesn't matter if it's in a controlled environment. I knew where you kept that shit. Whenever you weren't around and I needed to get drunk I knew where to look. You'd probably in some sick way love to hear I tried to kill myself back in December, only so you could try a "I told you so" for whatever reason you saw fit. Life isn't perfect but it's better than when I was there. Better than that house and that state. And I hope you know I will be the biggest fucking disappointment you ever made. I will do what I want with who I want however the fuck I want because reality check I'm not you, I'm not some thing that you should have ever been able to control or breakdown and yet you did both. I'm a grown ass adult and though I may not want to act it and sometimes I don't I am trying my hardest to be responsible. Yeah so I've been doing drugs again. Yeah I've been drinking again but I don't have the money to make a habit of either. God knows when I get paid I will try to get me some alcohol. Drugs are only if I can track down what I want. So dear sweet Ms Hoffmann I hope you enjoy this huge disappointment you created because I sure as hell don't. You're just lucky I'm not dead yet cause once I am I know a few people who will probably give you a piece of their mind.]]
[center [size9 loljk on the grown ass adult thing tho cause that's the biggest lie I could ever tell anyone]]
  admin / ATINY / 28d 18h 57m 7s
[center [size10 "Have you got laid yet?"]][center [size10 "No"]][center [size10 Boi I work like 5 days a week at least, some weeks I work over 40 hours, and on my days off I either wind up sleeping or I'm running around doing shit, I don't have time to be off tryna get laid. I also don't know how to go about that cause like idk never been good at it??? but also like legit there's only one person I would even think about sex with and even then this shit isn't my priority. Like I'm tryna make that money, I've been contemplating a new job or even just a second job so I can get some extra money, which would just mean I would have even less time to do shit, but it would also be okay, it's not like I don't already just go to the store before work anyways. I mean I really fucking wish I could work day shift but alas here we are with me stuck on night/closing shift for who fucking knows how long. God damn it troy just let me be where the sun is, I don't like closing all the time some day shifts would nice, you let matt have day shifts and you see how I'm learning to do the kfc portion of the line. bless sir I beg you.]]
  / Crow-Sama / 100d 17h 19m 55s
[center [size10 it's pretty stupid to be worried about someone hating me when I'm legitimately wearing the result of my own anger towards myself on my skin right now. But Jesus Christ I don't want to disappoint anyone else. I'm already probably hated by the one person who should care about me and love me I can't take being a disappointment to anyone else. It's why only certain people know that this shit is a problem again. And other people I won't tell only because I don't want to trigger them. Part me wants to blame coworkers who don't even hide it. Another part of new blames stress. But wholeheartedly the only true reason I can think of is because I have such a warped view of myself. Having her turn her back on me and throw me away, someone I loved more than anyone despite how she made me feel, just up and tossed be away maybe once 2019 starts I'll be okay. I'm hoping it's just because the holidays are coming up and that stupid "anniversary" As well. Maybe I should try to not let it get to me so much but it's still so fresh and it just hurts so much. I joke about being the family disappointment but legitimately thats how I feel, otherwise why else would she have done that to me. If she cared why wouldn't she be trying to check on me and see how I am. I know he tries to make me feel better about it by relating and by trying to tell me she still cares but everything about what happened leading up to her decision just made me feel like she had zero concern for me. When I told her what my therapist was saying she didn't seem to acknowledge it. When I mentioned I might have PTSD she just turned it around to be about her. I just wanted acknowledgment that she saw I was trying but all I got was more things added to my list of stressors. That fact that I even have a job up here is amazing. The fact that I've kept it this long and that I'm getting the hours I am is amazing. But even that wouldn't seem like an accomplishment to her, it would just seem like something that I should be doing even though a year ago I was in no condition to be working and was trying to get disability. Even though a year ago having a job terrified me. Even though a year ago I was relapsing and here we are again. I relapsed into drinking and I've done well and haven't drank in two weeks at least. But here we are relapsing into another horrible coping mechanism. I made it so just long enough to think I was finally okay and then today happened.]]
[center [size10 he expected so little of me and here I am again letting him down in the worst of ways. I stopped drinking because he came from a place of understanding and because he wasn't the only one to tell me it was an issue. I don't learn lessons well and am the first to ignore when something is a problem even though I even tell people I shouldn't drink because I have a history as an alcoholic. I have a history of substance abuse in general I admit that shit because I'm not ashamed because usually I'm strong enough to fight it. But honestly its not something you just stop fighting and I don't know why I even touched the shit again. I don't have the control to know when I've drank too much. I literally will just drink all day if I allowed to. God damn I'm letting myself fall into bad habits left and right. I need adult supervision and even then that probably wouldn't help.]]
[center [size10 Whenever I close with him next isn't going to be a fun time. It's going to be horrible. I would apologize to him in advance but then I would have to explain myself and I can't bring myself to tell him. I'd rather just try to hide it and fail and him be angry with me like I am with myself. I can only hope he doesn't choose to just wall away but I can't choose that only he can.]]
  ooc / Jooheon / 109d 48m 24s
[center [size10 I wish coworkers would stop teasing me about Matt especially the ones I've told about my lowkey crush on him. The likelihood that there would ever be something like that between me and him is so slim it's not even funny. Stop teasing me about shit that's non existent. Yeah so I think he's gorgeous but I also just want him to feel better both physically and mentally. Let me stew in my one sided affection in peace with out y'all adding fuel to the fire. Having big Mike tease me on Sunday on Sunday was one thing cause that was just him being him same with whenever Anthony teases me cause they don't know I actually have a thing for him. Regardless I'm still hoping this passes cause being away from him for a while was nice and cleansed me some but now I'm just back to beating myself up for getting attached to someone again and actually having admitted some deep dark shit to them and let them see me having my breakdowns. I don't like this not even xephy has really seen my breakdowns and yet this idiot has. Oops.]]
  / Jooheon / 112d 19h 10m 9s
[center [size10 boy are you psychic because stop. After I posted saying something about my "go to sleep" Message you send me one. And then I got distracted after you told me I was bad. Tbh I did a dumb we'll both agree on that.]]
[center [size10 also your cat is adorable I wanna meet him and say hi and pet him and tell him I wanna be friends with him. I don't even know anymore but definitely he is pretty and I am jealous because I miss my baby so much.]][center [size10 but honestly thank you for keeping an eye on me I'm not easy to do that with I will easily omit information and try to hide shit and I don't entirely do that with you. Only with a certain section of information because I'm not willing to open myself up that much yet. I'd rather just leave shit be as it is and whatever happens happens.]]
  / Taekwoon / 133d 20h 50m 3s
[center [size10 I feel like I wasted their time and should have just finished my shift at this point and have let him go home when he was supposed to. He just wanted me to find out wtf is going on and I don't even know that. And I feel like I'm going to annoy the fuck out of him because he keeps having to get stern and forceful with me. He told me last night he would slap me if I kept hurting myself and even said if I kept acting like a child he'd treat me like one and tonight he wound grabbing me by the shirt and dragging me to the managers office just to make me take an ibuprofen for my fever. Something that Tiffany couldn't get me to do. He even said if he got a break he'd go get me something else to take to help but that never happened and I wound up having him fill in for me and Wendi too. I feel like a mess and tbh at some point my charms will wear off and he'll want nothing to do with me. All I fucking do is remind him of his ex wife and his soon to be ex wife idk why he would keep wind up wanting to keep me around.]]
  / Taekwoon / 137d 19h 37m 26s
[center [size10 whoops had a mental breakdown at work today and the only thing that even remotely held me together was Matt. Not to put pressure on him or anything but the small reminders to breath and him telling me to stop the harmful behavior was prolly the best thing anyone could do. Him reminding me to relax and shot helped and his small little teases we're good distractions. Also I smacked him in the mouth why am I like this that wasn't my intent but the boy moved not my fault. Also I told him to gimme my light and 20 minutes after he did he called me a nag and laughed at me when I said its my only lighter. Hopefully my paycheck goes through soon so I can get him a red bull tomorrow and some other stuff for myself and send xephy some money. I offered to buy him cigarettes but he turned me down but at least he's letting me buy him a red bull tomorrow. I bought him a monster today but I was almost certain they weren't going to call him in so I drank it. Oops.]]
  / Taekwoon / 138d 20h 49m 40s
[center [size10 everyone: matt's a fucking idiot]][center [size10 me to myself: okay true but also offended]]
[center [size10 tiffany: you shouldn't get close to matt he's trouble]][center [size10 me: *does the complete opposite and get entirely attached to him*]]
[center [size10 wendi: he's a fuckboy and a manwhore]][center [size10 me @ me: look what you've done now]]
[center [size10 Matt: *exists*]][center [size10 me: *cries*]]
[center [size10 honestly 100% have a problem because all these red flags waving around all in front of me and yet here we are a month later with me and him having already planned once to move and now I'm planning to help him out with random shit and now i'm tagging him in memes and he's heard my cute baby voice and he's also 100% not been a dick to me and he tolerates me and he lets me beat on him and he laughs at my stupid reactions and he makes fun of me for my faux innocence and just. I don't care how badly this might turn out for me, right now this is the best feeling in the world even if feeling vulnerable to someone new is terrifying and I know I'm self-medicating solely because of this whole friendship I have with him and the feelings involved with it that I don't even 100% understand myself. Life could be much much worse, and I'm putting so much weight on one person and I feel horrible, but at least he seems to understand to a degree that he makes that shit job bearable and it's not just empty weight and I do my best to help him out when I can and I hope he appreciates me as much as I appreciate him even if it's just something as simple as he's thankful I help him out at work.]]
  ooc / Taekwoon / 139d 21h 1m 54s
[center [size10 tonight wasn't great nor horrible. I almost had a nervous breakdown at work because i'd taken my cigarette case out of my hoodie and put it in my backpack that was a precursor. I got stuck on drive thru but as soon as the idiot came in they moved me to front counter until about 6. Then instead of getting stuck doing both front counter AND drive thru Collin stayed and closed lobby so I got to help close line and help Matt finish his stuff. Which comes to Tiffany spreading things that aren't false but with no evidence outside of just assuming and me having to laugh it off when Matt tells me it. Cause oh no I tried messaging him one night and I hang out with him every chance I get. Yeah I have a thing for him but guess what I know my place and if that's not in the cards for less then so be it I'mma just keep hanging out with him and messing with him like I have been. And also numb my feelings with alcohol. Now on the last note I managed to lose my fucking cigarette case in the store tonight so now I have to buy more cigarettes and if they don't find my case and give it to me I'll have to buy a new one of those too. Fml]]
  ooc / Taekwoon / 146d 21h 59m 56s
[left [pic]][center [size10 No, sorry, can't come to the phone right now because it's sunday and fuck your weekend closing shifts with it's skeleton crew. Also it's pretty bad when I really only want to work shifts if he's there because otherwise i'm reminded how much i hate everything there. Oh well gotta be an adult and work the shifts I'm scheduled for. I'm 100% down to come in tomorrow if they need me and my laundry is done in time but no way in fucking hell am I repeating last night by myself. Fuck that.]][center [size10 You know what you could do tho troy? Give my boy some hours, let him work more often. I hope you at least thought about calling him because that's fucking rude if you didn't, he's capable of covering front counter and drive thru as well as closing, I know because he filled in for me this past week for one of my shifts. He got 10 hours too. like I'm okay with all the days off I have this week only because I also realize I'm working more than 4-11 every day. I will still have over 30 hours, and if you call me in on any of my days off outside of friday I'll be back up to 40. I know how scheduling works, I know it's about labor projections and shit, but you need to get your shit together and realize that maybe scheduling 4 of you usual closers to have a day off on a sunday is kind of dumb. I mean Jordon is okay, she's got shit she's doing, but holy fuck I hope you make Tim come in cause he fucked us over last sunday. Boi let me tell you I hope he gets set on fire.]]
  read me / Taekwoon / 149d 8h 37m 41s
[left [pic]][center [size10 Whoa how stupid. Afraid to be vulnerable so we fucking try to numb ourselves and wind up falling off the fucking wagon. Perfect. We weren't supposed to go backwards up here. We were supposed to get better. We were supposed to flourish and be our best. But back to the old routine of "well it's accessible so let's do it." Nope, sorry, we're not doing this. We have a job, we can't just fucking chance this shit fucking that up. I can't chance fucking ruining everything just because I can't fucking deal with my own fucking emotions. Like am I gonna admit any of this shit? Nah, I'mma still prolly hold it in, but I ain't gonna numb myself. I know holding shit in is bad, but it's better than this. So much fucking better. I deserve better than destroying myself just to keep from feeling shit. I know what I was like when I was there before and I don't want that. I want to be what I am and being true to me.]][center [size10 I know shit hurts and I know shit feels helpless and I know you can't trust people's words but at least hold some value to them. You don't have to 100% believe them, but at least trust them like you said you did earlier tonight. You can be vulnerable with them because they've been that way with you. You've seen them show emotion and the fact that you try not to have any with anyone is the worst possible thing you could do. You can't even trust to show emotion to someone you've known for 10 fucking years for fear of judgement wtf is wrong with you.]]
  ooc / Taekwoon / 149d 11h 47m 51s
[left [pic]][center [size10 Matt knows about my daddy kink. He isn't into it himself, but both his ex wife and current wife are into it. He's gone along with it for both just to make them both happy. He knows i react to being called "child" has on at least one occasion that I remember called me "good girl". Then whenever he works with me he calls me "bad child" at least once if not more. Today I mentioned how our outfits made us look like polar opposites to which he responded with "I'm the dark and you're the light. I'm black and you're white" and honestly i thought he was just trying to be funny but like that's not really a joke. He fucking whipped his shirt off in front of me. Legit was just standing there having a whole conversation about his body and shit. This was after a whole conversation about his wife and how they first met face to face. Then we were smoking in the parking lot and he was telling me about the whole situation with his wife leaving him, the wife who now wants to work shit out. Honestly I want to have an opinion on his marriage but I don't feel like I deserve that right solely because I haven't know him that long, but also because I pretty much forget he's married half the time when i talk with him and shit until he brings her up.]][center [size10 idk wtf is going on or what i'm doing anymore but I need to stop. I am ignoring so many red flags like a fuck face and just letting myself walk into a mine field like a dumbass.]]
  ooc / Taekwoon / 151d 23h 53m 35s
[center [size10 I'm living that life right now]][center [size10 They're giving me a fuck ton of hours already, I'm being praised, and I'm being told that if they try to change my shifts that they'll fight them because they want to keep me on closing. I'm being told I have common sense enough to catch onto shit fast enough. I'm being told to just keep doing what I'm doing and it'll move me up fast.]][center [size10 There's also the fact I'm making my own money now, and I can start buying myself things I need and nice things for others at some point. There's also the hopes of getting my own place if I save up enough.]][center [size10 There's also the smoking pot before your shift with your manager and him being upfront with you about a lot of shit. There's realizing how fucking important you are to the people you work with because at the moment you're the only one who CAN do it with school starting up.]][center [size10 There's the money to get drunk every so often, and there's just all around feeling great about myself because I'm not a fuck up after all, and I'm needed by people.]]
  ooc / Taekwoon / 158d 7h 59m 12s

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