This is my journal, where I shall write about how I feel. And write my poems.
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You try your best, but it's not good enough. You try to keep up with giving the best quality like the others, but you keep falling behind. You'll never be in first place like the others, you'll never That's the reality of life. And you just have to accept being second place.
The light in her eyes kept fading with time. Her heart hardening with each pain that was inflicted. Her soul began was beginning to become numb with each lie, each betrayal lead for her tears to run dry. Her love to fade, her flame to die out. Her spark became a sizzle. And her body a living corpse. She was no longer that girl she could remember when young, no. She had become a hell of herself, a version a vision of someone she hated, and now she was no longer fighting to stay a float. Her ship sunk plunging deeper into the sea of dispair. And when she finally accepted her fate, she kissed the void and begged for the escape. And when she closed her eyes she realized that she had been born to remain alone...
It is official now... I am entirely numb. I am dead inside... Do to me as you will... I no longer feel anything... And my heart no longer exists...don't speak. Stay silent. I no longer have a reason for life. No longer have the will to fight a loosing war... Goodbye and goodnight. This is my last opening act.
Just a few steps closer to loosing my mind. Keep it together my little valentine. Just repeat to yourself that everything will be fine. Smile pretty for the public, let your light shine. Don't you dare let those tears not dry...
Breathe...and remember to say... "I'm ok."
Maybe... Maybe I shouldn't have been born female. I really have mpre attributes of a male than a female. Apparently I have more balls than the average male. I am smart and look like a man. I look like a drag queen while dressed as a girl...
My emotions might get in the wau but it is usually anger and adrenaline... Love is no longer in the picture... And I swear I could stare at womens body more than men. Men bore me. And women excite me. This is a thought that I have been trying to forget. To shove at the back of my mind... Guess I got tired of being me... Then again who the fuck is me? I don't know. Nobody knows...
Might be an alien for all I know. I don't fit in anywhere...
When you are a big fucking fanatic of something, any little thing, even if it's not bad, is a disrespectful thing to you! Just because it's not in the book. Ugh. I hate you so much when you give stupid comments like that.
Patient, patient. NO. No more patient. Today is the last straw! Where you failed, I will make sure not to. And what you made me feel I will make sure I will not make my daughter feel. She will be happy. Unlike you made me.
I am tired of your bullshit. I really am. I try to be nice to you, but you always focus on the negative. So why bother being positive?
I wish it were possible to just run away. Get away from everything I have right now. Even with the shadow that follows me everywhere. As long as I can get out from seeing the same faces, the same places. I need a new start. In my head I always get a new start, but in reality it's far from new.
At least I have a hand full of people who can make me feel new. And one that truly gets what I feel.
I am planning my escape, even if it's temporary. But at least I could ponder on the good old days. See somewhere new. See anyone knew. I know my happiness should be where my home is. But I have found out that my home is where ever I may roam. Since my home is with those I care about, and in my soul. Traveling will only enable my happiness, and if I get home sick, all I have to do is look over my shoulder, and there is my home...
I may not know where I am going, but at least I know where I've been. I may not know who I am fully, but I know what I can become. I just need to watch my steps, and who surrounds me.
Just a thought that crossed my mind.
I wish you were real. Either of you. Just so I could be happy.
You are such a big fat liar. And naive, and close minded. And you complain about shit that you yourself created. But you could never blame yourself right?
Fuck it then. Blame me all you want. I can take it. My sisters did, so can I.
Yet it's funny how one understand me completely and the other fakes shit. So fuck it.
I am not stupid. I am smarter than you think. And I can find out things without you even noticing. I just choose to ignore to try to be happy. Fornus to be happy. But you are killing me. And I am letting you murder me...
I want tp go out, have some fun and drink! Maybe awkwardlt flirt a little or stare at others try to flirt with me when I really can't even flirt.
I want to feel attractive, but I don't want to have sex with anyone.
I feel so confused as what to do...
Why must you complain and be so fucking obnoxious! You are always bitching to me about everything I do wrong, but can't ever see the good things I do for you. You always wonder why I hate being around you, and it's because of this!
You helped me a lot, and yes I appreciate it. But I do not ever appreciate the fact that you always put everything you did for me up in my face when I can't do the same 'perfection' you do!
You always berated me and my dreams. Crushing every little thing I wanted to be when I was younger! Like when I said I wanted to be a firefighter, gymnist, when I wanted to be in music, art, and even a vet! You Said no, no, no, no and NO! I could not be anything I wanted to be! But of course I could be anything you wanted me to be! Nothing I ever liked or wanted to be.
Finally when I wanted to be a mechanic, you hesitated, until I kept pushing you to me wanting to be it. Then you agreed and got pissed off when I fell inlove with a guy from the college. Oh sorry, yes that was my mistake. And I am sorry for always being so fucking lonely with no friends, or anyone to be my boyfriend that wasn't your type. I was 18, I was old enought o get married if I wanted to, but you didn't like him because he wasn't part of the religion. Ok, I get it, I can say fine that was wrong of me. BUT LET IT GO! Don't keep reminding me that I fucked up big time over and over and over again!
You shunned me for everything wrong I did, and fine, I get it it was wrong but I fixed it. I got married, had a kid, give me some credit, that I made it. I finished school before any of that. And worked my ass off before I even thought of any of that.
A family, being a wife, wasn't that what you wanted? Am I right?
I choose my life wrong, yes I admit it. But you gave me the example of how to not give a shit.
Being with my dad was the wrong decision, you kept with him, married him, and stayed with him for 24 years! He hit you, he beat you, and fucked other women aroundd you. You still stayed with him! For 24 years! Three girls with him. And complained about him to us, making us want to hate him. Guess what? I didn't hate him, he wasn't always bad, and you know it.
So please, don't belittle my husband, cause he might be an asshole, but he would never hit me, or sleep around or is a drunkard. Your husband was, even the one before my father. But mine isn't.
So please, when you are gonna complain about me, shut it. Because I've held my tongue, and I am tired of being the worse daughter of all time according to you. Giving my credits to other people for what I did and say of poor sister of yours and fuck me!
I don't want to be compared, I don't want to be the worst person in the world!
But fine, as my favorite song goes, and my FUTURE TATTOO WILL BE; 'Label me, that's fine I'll be somebody else. Lie about me, I have a story to tell!'
And guess what? I left my job for you, to make sure you are alive and ok. No matter how much you want to deny it, I left it to take care of you because I LOVE YOU.
But I am sorry because I will never be like you.
I will always be a Sin. According to you.
I hate you. All you really care about is yourself. You pretend to care about me but you don't. You lie to me a lot more than any other person combined.
You do not really even want to hang out with me, I am always begging you to spend some time with me. If I was your ex you would always be around me. So fuck it.
If you don't want to be around me then fine. I will feel lonely all by myself. But at least I won't be in bad company...
Today I am going out to find someone to make me happy. Real happiness. Not fake happiness for the peace of everyone.
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